I took his v-card

[yatsue]

I've been enjoying being single and talking to multiple men, IRL and out. I recently signed up for tinder, stating looking for new experiences/friends, and met this one guy a few times (talking for over a month).

 

As the title suggests, I took his virginity apparently and now I'm a little worried due to this knowledge. In light of it, I'm starting to question if I read him wrong in wanting something casual, and he's just completely in the dark. I had a few drinks and didn't even bother to inquire if he was a virgin or not, despite his clumsiness. I figured a guy would tell me if he was (I've seen my fair share of clumsy non-virgins). He told me after it was said and done, telling me not to worry about it when I hesitated.

 

I took it, and still kinda do, as he is only looking for something casual. I haven't taken a guy's virginity before and want to be considerate of his feelings, but don't want to lead him on if he may think eventually down the road this may be going somewhere. I just want to have fun with no commitment, but don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I could have made myself more clear before it happened, so I only hope he is on the same page.

 

I've implied I believe he is a friend to me, said I'll be moving far away likely this year (he implied he wanted me to stay), already have a month to month lease, we've flirted quite a bit over text (some sexual talk amongst the daily texts), he asked to come to my place after the first outing (I denied at the time), he stated multiple times to call him over anytime (for sex), and didn't have any relationship talk (besides how many I've been with before). Do I make myself more clear and state my intentions? If so, how should I go about it? I thought about going in with a text:

 

"May I ask you a blunt question?" Following up after the affirmative with a "I was wondering if you had any expectations or not, after the recent turn of events. I got the impression you don't, which is fine by me, but I wanted to make sure we're on the same page since the topic hasn't come up" And then stating my intentions on being casual. I just don't want to be an a** about it and ruin his first time. After hearing about his inexperience, I feel guilty. Otherwise, I wouldn't bat an eye at a guy who didn't state any expectations beforehand.

[Jibralta]

I’d be open to his feelings, but wouldn’t say anything to him about it unless he broached the topic. I think if it was that important to him he would have emphasized his virginity ahead of time.

[DancingFool]

I'd urge you not to patronize him or treat him like a child who just has no idea what he is doing or what he wants, just because he was a virgin. You didn't "take" anything, btw. He chose to have sex with you, casually, off Tinder. Don't start projecting expectations or how he should feel about things now. You need to do exactly nothing and there is nothing to discuss here. The dude is an adult capable of doing what he wants and expressing whatever he wants as and when he wants.

[j.man]

I wouldn't make it a big to-do. If you really think you've been too ambiguous about it, it could be as simple a question as, "Hey, are you fine with this being a casual thing?" Most people know what "new friends" means on a dating site, so I suspect you're doing just fine in not leading him on.

 

At the end of the day, at least as much as it could be considered an object intangible or otherwise, he gave his virginity to you, or if I wanted to be a bit flower-power about it, he "shared it" with you. What's for sure is you didn't take anything. As may be pretty obvious, I'm not a big fan of the significance altogether. But honestly, if he didn't feel compelled to mention it before, I'm not sure why he chose to do so after. It really could be that he didn't care too much and maybe afterwards felt like maybe he should care.

 

Try not to beat yourself up. In case you have any desire to generalize my own experience as a guy, I can tell you pretty safely that my "first time" was simply that. While not saying sex is the same thing as milk, relative to my other sexual experiences, my first time was my first by virtue of it being the first gallon I got my hands on. And pretty much every gallon I've gotten since then has been exponentially better. It sounds like he's getting some good experience with you to carry onto his next, and you're getting your fix of fun.

[bluecastle]

First things first: yay!

 

I remember your breakup story, so yay to getting out there, getting laid, having fun, and not worrying about the video game habits of a manchild!

 

Anyhow, great advice from DancingFool and j.man. You didn't "take" a thing from this guy. You had consensual, causal sex with a grownup. Like j.man, my first time was...my first time. It was casual. It was a one off. It is hardly a scar or a momentous life moment—not now, not then. Oh, if only she didn't transfer schools a week later—but, alas, there were other people, other times, most remembered fondly.

 

So let it go where it goes. Sounds like you've been pretty clear on setting the casual vibe, as has he. No need to issue blunt edicts, no need to have some kind of summit discussion just because you have more sexual experience, no need to bring out the kid gloves for the adult (former) virgin. That's giving yourself too much power—that place where wanting to be considerate of another's feelings can actually be a little self-involved.

 

Yeah, we want to be kind, decent people, which we can totally be while having casual sex. Part of that is to respect that another person is capable of making choices and strong enough to handle that crazy thing called being alive just fine.

[dias]

Ts ts ts you seduce gullible, innocent boys...

[lostandhurt]

Well he gave you his virginity, you didn't take it and I seriously doubt it is a big deal to him at all other than he feels relieved the first time is behind him.

 

Keep it simple and say "I want to make sure we are on the same page, I am not looking for a relationship and I am happy with just casual sex" "Is that okay with you?"

 

I would bet he would love to have some more experience's with a caring woman...

 

Lost

[figureitout23]

To be completely fair yatsue this is only a big deal if you make it one.

 

When it comes to how he is taking his 'deflowering' thats his personal burden to bear, I mean its a personal thing and while jman says it held little to no importance, to some it is a big deal, so you have a huge variety of how he is going to react, its presumptive and I mean no offense but a little cocky to assume hes going to suddenly fall in love with you because, to be blunt, he got some. He could but its not guarenteed so why presume or fish.

 

Once his actions and words act overly attached, then act, otherwise assume he feels the same way you do.

 

Im personally more concerned with how none of this was discussed before your clothes came off, it needs to, whether he was a virgin or a porn star.

[yatsue]

First things first: yay!

 

I remember your breakup story, so yay to getting out there, getting laid, having fun, and not worrying about the video game habits of a manchild!

 

Anyhow, great advice from DancingFool and j.man. You didn't "take" a thing from this guy. You had consensual, causal sex with a grownup. Like j.man, my first time was...my first time. It was casual. It was a one off. It is hardly a scar or a momentous life moment—not now, not then. Oh, if only she didn't transfer schools a week later—but, alas, there were other people, other times, most remembered fondly.

 

So let it go where it goes. Sounds like you've been pretty clear on setting the casual vibe, as has he. No need to issue blunt edicts, no need to have some kind of summit discussion just because you have more sexual experience, no need to bring out the kid gloves for the adult (former) virgin. That's giving yourself too much power—that place where wanting to be considerate of another's feelings can actually be a little self-involved.

 

Yeah, we want to be kind, decent people, which we can totally be while having casual sex. Part of that is to respect that another person is capable of making choices and strong enough to handle that crazy thing called being alive just fine.

 

Haha thanks blue! I appreciate the feedback from everyone. I use "taking his virginity" more as a figure of speech. Of course it was mutual and he's not a kid. I have not said anything patronizing at all to him, nor plan to, and treat him like the adult he is. I only answered any questions he had asked. He seems keen to continue, and I'd like to as well while still being single.

 

I just had doubts, originally stemming from comments made by a friend of mine, he may have different expectations than I do. The news from him made me pause, after hearing my friend's comments. There is also a fair amount of projection here, thinking back to the time of losing my own virginity. However, he is not me.

 

No I don't think he'll fall in love, although I've seen people assume a relationship or start to form some kind of feelings for a person before, without a discussion. Like I said, I don't want to unintentionally hurt anyone by any assumption I may have. While I don't believe he will develop feelings, I hate that there may be a possibility I could be wrong. I don't want to mess with anyone's mind by failing to convey myself properly. That idea alone doesn't sit well with me, as I consider him a new friend and I want only the best for my friends.

 

As to how it wasn't discussed beforehand, we had only hugged and talked at that point so it didn't seem appropriate yet IMO. He initiated out of nowhere, whereas I mistakenly thought there might be more of a leadup to it that day or so. I didn't mind at all, although that conversation was admittedly forgotten.

[DancingFool]

If you want to reiterate that this thing is only casual from time to time, that's fine. It just doesn't require more of a discussion than that.

Other than that, please understand that you cannot control or be otherwise responsible for how others feel about anything. If he develops feelings or attachment that's more than what you want, that's his problem and not your doing or creation. You literally cannot save people from themselves

[thisisrichey]

yeah don't patronize him. bad move.

i would ask it more as you are just clarifing FOR YOU (and not trying to look out for him or whatever).

 

"so just so i'm not taking all this wrong... this.. you and i.. this is just a fun casual thing right?"

 

then see where it goes.

[figureitout23]

Call me crazy but I think a person who wants a casual sexual relationship with someone should actually be more vocal and communicative than someone in a relationship.

 

There are just so many ground rules and boundaries.

 

The older I get the more I realize just how complicated ‘casual’ truly is and 9 times out of 10 people aren’t actually casual they just don’t know each other and choose not to talk to eachother before their clothes come off.

 

Which in itself, there’s nothing wrong with it at all if that’s what you want and I am not one to say anything about labels I always say let two people define what they want, but valuing a not there yet friendship with someone you want nothing but to share bodily fluids to me just seems I don’t know, kinda backwards. If you want to be a friend be a friend, friends communicate.

 

I think the best thing to do is communicate, what you want what you don’t want your boundaries etc. lay everything out, there should be no fear because no feelings equals no fear. And be ready to hear him out, his head could be in any number of places.

 

Good luck!

[ThatwasThen]

Call me crazy but I think a person who wants a casual sexual relationship with someone should actually be more vocal and communicative than someone in a relationship.

I think so too and so does Yatsue since she's started a thread about not wanting to hurt him. As such, do the right thing and reiterate to him that you are enjoying your times together however you just want to keep the communication open and remind him that this is all just casual, you will be moving away soon and that you want to part ways on good terms.

 

Be true to yourself Yatsue and then you'll have zero regrets because after a conversation like that with him, it's on him if he has feelings and continues on with you when you've made it perfectly clear of your stance.

[Jibralta]

I think the best thing to do is communicate, what you want what you don’t want your boundaries etc. lay everything out, there should be no fear because no feelings equals no fear.

 

I agree. Things get so much more complicated when people don't communicate.