Lonely after breakup

[jenberry]

Dear all,

 

I'm so grateful for this forum. I moved from the north to the south of England with my boyfriend when he got a new job. I was reluctant to move far from my family, especially as my dad was terminally ill, but I wanted to build my relationship. We decided not to live together initially, and so I lived on my own and worked from home, while my boyfriend lived with 5 housemates and worked from an office. My dad passed away in March 2018. My boyfriend's life blossomed down here, whereas as mine was more stunted. I was grieving and hadn't made many friends, struggling to deal with anxiety. My boyfriend spent more and more time with his housemates who enjoyed drinking and partying, and who increasingly left me out of events (I'm a bit of an introvert and don't drink so that was a bit of a deal breaker!) I felt like they became his priority over me, and felt he was unable to support me emotionally through my difficulties; always on his phone while he was with me. We grew further and further apart until, in November 2018, decided to split. Now, back in my flat over Christmas, I feel extremely lonely. I miss his company and have such a strong urge to text him. Towards the end of the relationship, I felt extremely taken for granted and pushed aside, so being in his company was seldom rewarding. How can I break free from these ties and stop suffering? I have occasionally text him in the hopes of being friends (I do not want him back but we spoke of remaining friends), but I realise that a friendship isn't a good idea, and won't be able to be maintained. How do I let go of this compulsion to text him and let him go from my life?

 

Any help or personal experiences would be much appreciated xx

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Move back home. Never follow anyone anywhere without a solid concrete plan and commitment.

I moved from the north to the south of England with my boyfriend when he got a new job.

[jenberry]

Wiseman, you're so right. Unfortunately I am unable to move back home until a few months have passed (for financial reasons) so it's a bit tricky. But yes, lesson learned there!!

[Carus]

Well November wasn't very long ago so sorry to say, you're still in the thick of it right now...plus xmas/NY does make it harder.

 

So be patient and kind to yourself. It's a painful process but you'll just have to lean into it rather than struggle too hard against it. That will just make you more wound up and can cause further problems down the track.

 

There are 2 ways to rid yourself of the compulsions to contact him. And yes they're gonna come for a while yet...

 

1) Distract yourself. Example: Urge to text or call. Call someone else or put the phone down and go do something. A walk around the block, look in the kitchen as to what you're going to have for dinner, organize your wardrobe, look up meditation on YT etc etc....Rinse and repeat.

 

2) Go ahead. Text or call of FB him. You will come to learn why that's a bad idea and how it's goddamn painful and why as hard as it is, we just shouldn't do it.

 

And so, if you choose option 2, you will continue to do it....until you don't anymore.....although it's sounds like you're coming to know this already....

 

Another couple of suggestions: Read a few threads on here and post some comments. You will see you are definitely not alone right now...

 

And before you send that msg, picture in your mind that you send it. Then imagine in your mind how you'll be feeling if he doesn't reply, 24 hours from now, 42 hours from now, and 72 hours from now... That usually stops you from doing it :)

 

It's my night off and this is when I get those urges...

 

But she'll be with her new guy and I'll just look like the desperate hobo standing in the rain looking through the window. No friggin way!

 

But it's also been quite a few months for me now so it IS slightly easier. I understand....

 

So instead, I'm gonna cook some pasta and watch this Bird Box movie that everyone is going on about....

 

Oh and lastly I wanted to relate. You know why my marriage ended? Because she just wanted to go out and party and drink and sleep around....at 40*

 

Hope this helps a bit. Go back and read it again.

 

All for now.

 

((Hugs))

 

Carus*

[frustrated1]

Hi Jen,

 

You have received some good advice from Carus already, but I wanted to add just a bit to what was already said. You seem to be thinking about this quite logically, and so I am sure that you have noticed that these urges to contact ebb and flow. I found when going through a break up that with a little bit of strong will you can curb the hopeful texts and phone calls. When I got the urge to text or call I would do two things: first I would try to remind myself why we broke up. Try to remember all the reasons it wasn't working, and put yourself back in that place. Remind yourself of how you felt when he was on his phone instead of spending quality time with you. If that didn't work, I would tell myself I would wait an hour, then two or three, and text him then if I still felt like it. Chances were, after that hour, my urge to reach out would subside, and my logical mind would tell me I would feel better off not doing it. It worked most of the time, I can't say it prevented me from reaching out all together, but it definitely helped some. Hope this was helpful to you. Stay strong

[Annia]

I'm very sorry you went through all this. If you have such urge to text I think you should delete him from you cellphone and social media. Block if necessary. It's never a good idea to be friends when there's still feelings.

 

Do you have family or friends in your city that you can talk on the telephone? They might not be in the same city but they can listen to you talk to you.

 

Also, do you have a concrete plan of how many months you need to return home?

[Hollyj]

You should move back home.

 

In all honesty it is also your responsibility to build your own life. You should be getting out and getting involved in hobbies, Meetups, volunteering, classes, whatever. Your partner should not be your babysitter. It also sounds like your bf checked out long ago.

[Hollyj]

May I ask how long you dated before you moved?

[jenberry]

Well November wasn't very long ago so sorry to say, you're still in the thick of it right now...plus xmas/NY does make it harder.

 

So be patient and kind to yourself. It's a painful process but you'll just have to lean into it rather than struggle too hard against it. That will just make you more wound up and can cause further problems down the track.

 

There are 2 ways to rid yourself of the compulsions to contact him. And yes they're gonna come for a while yet...

 

1) Distract yourself. Example: Urge to text or call. Call someone else or put the phone down and go do something. A walk around the block, look in the kitchen as to what you're going to have for dinner, organize your wardrobe, look up meditation on YT etc etc....Rinse and repeat.

 

2) Go ahead. Text or call of FB him. You will come to learn why that's a bad idea and how it's goddamn painful and why as hard as it is, we just shouldn't do it.

 

And so, if you choose option 2, you will continue to do it....until you don't anymore.....although it's sounds like you're coming to know this already....

 

Another couple of suggestions: Read a few threads on here and post some comments. You will see you are definitely not alone right now...

 

And before you send that msg, picture in your mind that you send it. Then imagine in your mind how you'll be feeling if he doesn't reply, 24 hours from now, 42 hours from now, and 72 hours from now... That usually stops you from doing it :)

 

It's my night off and this is when I get those urges...

 

But she'll be with her new guy and I'll just look like the desperate hobo standing in the rain looking through the window. No friggin way!

 

But it's also been quite a few months for me now so it IS slightly easier. I understand....

 

So instead, I'm gonna cook some pasta and watch this Bird Box movie that everyone is going on about....

 

Oh and lastly I wanted to relate. You know why my marriage ended? Because she just wanted to go out and party and drink and sleep around....at 40*

 

Hope this helps a bit. Go back and read it again.

 

All for now.

 

((Hugs))

 

Carus*

 

 

Wow, thank you Carus for such a kind and comprehensive response. I'm only sorry it was learned through your own experience, it sounds frighteningly similar to mine. You're so right. Every time I text him, the outcome is dreadfully unsatisfying. It definitely feels like being an addict: you know the substance is wrong for you but the urges get so strong that you don't even care anymore if it kills you, you just have to give in. Once the desire is fulfilled, momentary peace arises but then, a complete feeling of disappointment. My ex always replies but it takes him hours after he actually sees the message. The responses are increasingly weird and formal, showing no emotion whatsoever. His approach puts undue importance on someone who has let me down time and time again, including when I was grieving for my father (less than a week later he said, 'you're no fun anymore'). This person cannot support me emotionally, why do I keep craving his contact? It's very frustrating. However, I will definitely try your suggestions. I'm glad I'm not alone. (P.S. Let me know what you think of Bird Box. I've heard mixed reviews!) xx

[jenberry]

Hi Jen,

 

You have received some good advice from Carus already, but I wanted to add just a bit to what was already said. You seem to be thinking about this quite logically, and so I am sure that you have noticed that these urges to contact ebb and flow. I found when going through a break up that with a little bit of strong will you can curb the hopeful texts and phone calls. When I got the urge to text or call I would do two things: first I would try to remind myself why we broke up. Try to remember all the reasons it wasn't working, and put yourself back in that place. Remind yourself of how you felt when he was on his phone instead of spending quality time with you. If that didn't work, I would tell myself I would wait an hour, then two or three, and text him then if I still felt like it. Chances were, after that hour, my urge to reach out would subside, and my logical mind would tell me I would feel better off not doing it. It worked most of the time, I can't say it prevented me from reaching out all together, but it definitely helped some. Hope this was helpful to you. Stay strong

 

Thank you! Yes, the urges definitely ebb and flow. One day, I feel like I'm completely over it, the next, I feel like I'm back to square 1. I love your suggestions, especially the idea of delaying contacting him. Thanks so much for your support. I wish I knew about this site weeks ago

[jenberry]

I'm very sorry you went through all this. If you have such urge to text I think you should delete him from you cellphone and social media. Block if necessary. It's never a good idea to be friends when there's still feelings.

 

Do you have family or friends in your city that you can talk on the telephone? They might not be in the same city but they can listen to you talk to you.

 

Also, do you have a concrete plan of how many months you need to return home?

 

Hi Annia,

 

Thank you. No, I don't yet have a concrete plan but I would like to do some travelling first before going back home, so I will definitely make a plan very soon, something to focus on. My ex is deleted on my cell phone and social media already, but whenever I have the urge to text him, I can retrieve an old bill and get his number, which is annoying. Yes, I have a lovely mother and friends to talk to on the phone but I feel like they are sick to death of me going on about this!!

[jenberry]

You should move back home.

 

In all honesty it is also your responsibility to build your own life. You should be getting out and getting involved in hobbies, Meetups, volunteering, classes, whatever. Your partner should not be your babysitter. It also sounds like your bf checked out long ago.

 

Yes, as difficult as this is to read, he did check out long ago. I think my emotional difficulties and grief were too much for him to deal with, when he wanted to be frivolous and carefree and not have to deal with heavy stuff which he couldn't relate to. You're right, I do need to move back home and re-build my life. I made the mistake of revolving my life down South around him, because I had moved for him. You are so correct that it is not his responsibility to babysit me. I think there were some codependency issues there which means that while he checked out a long time ago, I am struggling.

[jenberry]

May I ask how long you dated before you moved?

 

We dated for a year before moving, and two years after.

[sadchick83]

Jenberry I can totally relate to what you are going through. I dated my ex for a year and a half and I left Canada to live with him in NYC. He supported me and put me through school so I could work in the US. 5 years after the move (this time last year) he broke up with me. Like your situation, he really loved to go out and drink, despite having a very demanding job. I could not party excessively and function at work, so I preferred to stay in most nights.

 

Like you, that’s what eventually broke us up. Socializing was very important to him and he resented me for not being the same. I ended up moving to Florida because I cannot work in Canada because of a professional designation I now have in the US. I am so homesick, it hurts.

 

Jenberry, you can contact your ex, but I think it will just delay in your healing. You have had so much happen - your Dad passed away, your relationship fell apart, and not you are stretched financially. You sound like a really sweet person and are deserving of someone similar. Take some time to love yourself and try to get yourself in some social situations where you are living right now. I am telling this so you experience positive socializing with people (men or women) so you don’t get too lonely. Being alone all the time is why you are thinking of your ex. Think about getting out even if it just petting someone’s dog or chatting someone up at the grocery store. You need some human contact.

[jenberry]

Jenberry I can totally relate to what you are going through. I dated my ex for a year and a half and I left Canada to live with him in NYC. He supported me and put me through school so I could work in the US. 5 years after the move (this time last year) he broke up with me. Like your situation, he really loved to go out and drink, despite having a very demanding job. I could not party excessively and function at work, so I preferred to stay in most nights.

 

Like you, that’s what eventually broke us up. Socializing was very important to him and he resented me for not being the same. I ended up moving to Florida because I cannot work in Canada because of a professional designation I now have in the US. I am so homesick, it hurts.

 

Jenberry, you can contact your ex, but I think it will just delay in your healing. You have had so much happen - your Dad passed away, your relationship fell apart, and not you are stretched financially. You sound like a really sweet person and are deserving of someone similar. Take some time to love yourself and try to get yourself in some social situations where you are living right now. I am telling this so you experience positive socializing with people (men or women) so you don’t get too lonely. Being alone all the time is why you are thinking of your ex. Think about getting out even if it just petting someone’s dog or chatting someone up at the grocery store. You need some human contact.

 

Sadchick (I certainly hope you're not sad), thank you for your kind reply. I am so sorry to read your story and what you have also been through. Yes, I don't understand how my ex would party so hard and then be able to go to work the following day. I need rest! Drinking almost every night cannot be good for you. I agree totally that I need human contact. I have a few plans for next week, such as going to an art class and going to an evening lecture, both of which I hope will allow me to see he is not the only person in the world. I text him yesterday and it took him four hours to reply, despite him constantly being on his phone. I deserve so much more than his crumbs.

 

I hope you are at a better place within yourself too. Break ups are so hard and I feel my ex's sociaising ways have glossed over any difficulties he would otherwise be having, and that I seem to be having in abundance. Thank you for your kindness and support

[boltnrun]

Why are you continuing to text him?

[jenberry]

Why are you continuing to text him?

 

 

Because I miss him and am struggling to let go.

[boltnrun]

Because I miss him and am struggling to let go.

 

But doesn't it make you feel worse when he takes hours to respond?

 

I recommend you do something, anything, the next time you get the urge to text him. In fact, how about changing his name in your phone contact list to "NO DON'T!"?

 

It's such a shame to read about people hurting themselves like this. Our exes hurt us enough, we don't need to do it to ourselves.

[jenberry]

But doesn't it make you feel worse when he takes hours to respond?

 

I recommend you do something, anything, the next time you get the urge to text him. In fact, how about changing his name in your phone contact list to "NO DON'T!"?

 

It's such a shame to read about people hurting themselves like this. Our exes hurt us enough, we don't need to do it to ourselves.

 

You're so right. Every time I text and he responds with 'crumbs', I feel worse but it's like an overwhelming urge. Next time, I will come here first, and I've taken screenshots of his rubbish responses to remind me of what to expect. I agree with you that we need to stop hurting ourselves. At its core, contacting my ex shows I respect him more than myself so this has to change.

[sadchick83]

Jenberry, the art class sounds like fun. Please report back and tell us what is was like

[jenberry]

Thanks so much everyone. I realise that my life is entirely my responsibility, no one else's. I need to be more proactive in helping myself and meeting new people. Thank you for helping me see this :)