How many of you have had this happen?

[ahd15]

She broke up with me. Long story short, I was being a little too controlling while being unaware of it. She had a rough past and the way we met really didn't build trust between us.

She wants to be friends and I don't. Don't get me wrong I miss her like crazy but I can't. She thinks KS I have a stalkerish vibe but I've never been like that and I would never be that way.

Yesterday I told her we should stop talking. Her stuff is all packed up at my house and she will grab it eventually. I told her my house is always a safe place for her but we can't remain in contact. She said good bye and we havent talked since. I cleaned my house and got rid of most of the things reminding me of her except for some love notes she left me through the time we were together.

My question is how many of you had an ex girlfriend who broke up with you reach out to you after you told her that you shouldn't talk?

She's got prospects lined up from what she said and I think I'll only be a distant memory to her. I still love her but when she says I seem like a stalker that's where I shut everything off.

 

Also should I block her on Facebook? Give her a better sense of freedom. Or just tough it out not to seem too hurt.

[LonelyJedi]

If she broke up with you, give her the gift of missing you. Go NC and don't speak to her.

Her telling you that she has "prospects" lined up is shallow...

 

Believe me I know how you feel, I am still pining over my ex-fiance... who I have not seen or spoken to since March 29th.

 

If she all of sudden has this "stalker" impression of you, then prove to her that you aren't one. Block her on FB, block her out of your life. It'll give you the benefit of moving on and healing and it'll prove her wrong in thinking you are a "stalker".

[lostandhurt]

Yes many of us have had something similar happen.

 

Many times these accusations are a ruse to contact you. If it is truly over in your mind and heart then block her, and go total NC and get on with your life.

 

It sounds to me like she misses you and wants to stay in touch in hopes of getting back together. What do you want?

 

Lost

[ahd15]

The stalkerish vibe I think stems from her past. She had a guy beat her up and then chase after her to the point where she had to stay at a shelter so he wouldnt find her. She had a son with him. Now they're friends again which is important for her son of course. I've met him a few times and he seems like he is a decent guy. Wouldn't have thought he did that to her unless she told me.

She's been through a few abusive relationships. I really tried to get her away from that world of bad boys but in turn I controlled her. She was happy and I just didn't fully trust her and she didn't trust me completely either. Be it her past or how we met. Either way she's gone. I'm just curious how many people had a dumper reach out after a while.

[DancingFool]

Sooo....she wants to stay friends with someone she thinks is a stalker???? Oookay....whatever rough past you say she has, she clearly has some issues.

 

Your best bet here is unfortunately to stay far away from her. You are correct to pack up her things, ask her to pick them up and refuse to play friendzies with an ex. Very very sensible of you. Since she accused you of being a stalker, do go ahead and block her from everything and do not contact her again for any reason. In fact, maybe have a friend drop off her stuff to her so you do not have any further interactions with her. I know you still love her and care about her and can't shut that off like a switch, but I think in time you'll realize that you've dodged a bullet here.

[ahd15]

Yes many of us have had something similar happen.

 

Many times these accusations are a ruse to contact you. If it is truly over in your mind and heart then block her, and go total NC and get on with your life.

 

It sounds to me like she misses you and wants to stay in touch in hopes of getting back together. What do you want?

 

Lost

What makes you say she misses me? I felt like good bye and good luck was the grand finale.

 

I would love to get a chance to do things differently now that I know what I needed to do but I'm pretty convinced she's gone.

[ahd15]

Sooo....she wants to stay friends with someone she thinks is a stalker???? Oookay....whatever rough past you say she has, she clearly has some issues.

 

Your best bet here is unfortunately to stay far away from her. You are correct to pack up her things, ask her to pick them up and refuse to play friendzies with an ex. Very very sensible of you. Since she accused you of being a stalker, do go ahead and block her from everything and do not contact her again for any reason. In fact, maybe have a friend drop off her stuff to her so you do not have any further interactions with her. I know you still love her and care about her and can't shut that off like a switch, but I think in time you'll realize that you've dodged a bullet here.

She packed up her things. I just put away all the little stuff that was still reminding me of her. It was her decision to move out. She was gonna do it eventually to stay closer to family and work but I didn't really expect to be broken up.

Oddly enough her girls dad doesn't want her to move in like she originally planned because she won't get back together with him. Right now she's staying at some friends house from what she said.

I'm sure she's got issues but everyone does to some extent. I see what you're saying though.

[Careerchoice]

What makes you say she misses me?

 

There's nothing indicating that. I have no idea where that came from.

 

Yes, block her on everything and concentrate everything you have on moving on. Assume she's not coming back, because that's what all the evidence points towards.

 

And line up your own set of prospects. It'l help your healing.

[ahd15]

It's a shame. We were close but I think the trust issue she had which in turn caused mine, was fundamentally the cause of our stress.

[Anna Bell]

I'm just curious how many people had a dumper reach out after a while.

 

I was the one. I dumped him and went on NC for a month. Week 3 he texted me to change address. Since then I missed him more than ever. So after a full 30 days NC, I reached out to ask him how he was. Being a dumper hasn't made the healing easier. Being a dumper wouldn't change the fact that you couldn't trust her and yourself.

 

I have to say you were controlling and you admitted that. What was your purpose of telling her to stop talking? Was that you genuinely wanted to break up with her? Or you just didn't like being accused of a stalker? Or was that a way of controlling?

[lostandhurt]

Stay NC and get on with your life. Use the things you learned through all this to grow and be better next time.

 

I would say you will hear from her again but stay strong.

 

No matter what anyone says if she had any kind of feelings for you she misses you in some way shape of form. She may contact you for an ego boost, she may contact you when things aren't going so well in her life and she wants a friendly voice to remind her of better times. The thing you need to decide is what will you do when she contacts you? The better prepared you are the better you will handle it.

 

Unless of course she is a cold hearted shrill that only used you for a place to live and creature comforts then of course she doesn't miss you...only what you provided her.

 

You are in control of your life so decide what you want to do and why and stick to it until something changes that make an adjustment necessary.

 

Lost

[ahd15]

I was the one. I dumped him and went on NC for a month. Week 3 he texted me to change address. Since then I missed him more than ever. So after a full 30 days NC, I reached out to ask him how he was. Being a dumper hasn't made the healing easier. Being a dumper wouldn't change the fact that you couldn't trust her and yourself.

 

I have to say you were controlling and you admitted that. What was your purpose of telling her to stop talking? Was that you genuinely wanted to break up with her? Or you just didn't like being accused of a stalker? Or was that a way of controlling?

The thing is she never lied to me. Full disclosure I met her at a bar that she was working at. She was dancing. I didn't approach her or anyone for that matter. She came up to me and I politely told her I was just there to play pool and didn't want to waste her time. I respect women and I can't throw money at them. Just not me. She said she just wanted to play pool.

Fast forward, she left the bar because I made it clear i didn't like it. She did it because of me and not really for me. I didn't like it because there's not a big future in that. I wanted a future for us and her kids. Fast forward again she got a job in her favorite field but it didn't pay her well at all so she lost her apartment and moved in with me. Working 40 min away for crappy pay and being stuck made her feel suffocated so she started being more irritable. This was a process I didn't notice this until after the break up. I told her I like shorter nails for example and she said it made her feel ugly because she liked hers long. She's beautiful. Always was and always will be. She always told me about problems at work and instead of listening I gave her other views which she took as me shutting her down. The irritability grew because she wanted to make more money and felt I was doing all those things to her. Finally she broke it off.

I told her to stop talking to me because it hurts. Because every time I see her number on my phone I get a pit in my stomach. She didn't trust me because she met me at the bar and I am not talking to her because I want her to trust me that I feel bad and that I am doing what she wants. I'm ashamed. I know we both had underlying issues but it didn't help that I wasn't understanding of them. I told her my home is always a safe place for her but I can't imagine why we need to continue talking.

 

She just called me. She has a key to my house which she can use to get her stuff at any point. Why is she calling?

[lostandhurt]

Only she knows why she is calling and you will never know unless you ask her.

 

I know it hurts every time you see her name on your phone but that is part of breaking up. Rarely do people say "we are done" and not talk a few more times at least after.

 

Were you controlling? Yes you were. They are her nails, her body and her life. If she was stripping and you weren't okay with it that is understandable but once again it needed to be her choice to stop, not a demand from you.

 

Sometimes in life and relationships you get a "Do Over" and if you read this forum enough you will see someone talking about getting back together with an ex and trying again. It can and does happen and sometimes if both people have grown and learned from what went wrong they can succeed.

 

Here are a few tips from a guy that has been around a while:

 

-Learn to listen and not try and fix things. She just wants a sympathetic ear that understands and is comforting. She is a big girl and can take care of herself and will ask if she needs help.

-Before you say anything about they way she does her hair, nails, makeup or anything ask yourself this one question: Is what I am about to say that important in the grand scheme of our relationship? If the answer is no then keep your mouth shut.

-Be supportive but not controlling. You can have an opinion, just don't cram it down her throat like it is the only option you will entertain. Encourage her desire to be more successful and help make that happen if possible.

-Lastly if you don't like dating a smoker then don't date one, if you don't like dating blondes then don't date one and if you don't like dating a dancer don't date one. It isn't fair to start dating someone you knew full well was doing something you don't like and then comment how you don't like it until they stop. That is a sure fire way for them to resent you.

 

I think she still cares for you but isn't willing to take another chance on you. If she started dancing again would you be with her? If she grew her nails out long?

 

Lost

[boltnrun]

So she was a stripper, she has two kids with two different men, she has had more than one relationship with abusive men, she moved in with you because she lost her apartment and now she's planning to move in with an ex?

 

This sounds like a recipe for disaster.

 

Are you accustomed to trying to be a "fixer"?

[ahd15]

Only she knows why she is calling and you will never know unless you ask her.

 

I know it hurts every time you see her name on your phone but that is part of breaking up. Rarely do people say "we are done" and not talk a few more times at least after.

 

Were you controlling? Yes you were. They are her nails, her body and her life. If she was stripping and you weren't okay with it that is understandable but once again it needed to be her choice to stop, not a demand from you.

 

Sometimes in life and relationships you get a "Do Over" and if you read this forum enough you will see someone talking about getting back together with an ex and trying again. It can and does happen and sometimes if both people have grown and learned from what went wrong they can succeed.

 

Here are a few tips from a guy that has been around a while:

 

-Learn to listen and not try and fix things. She just wants a sympathetic ear that understands and is comforting. She is a big girl and can take care of herself and will ask if she needs help.

-Before you say anything about they way she does her hair, nails, makeup or anything ask yourself this one question: Is what I am about to say that important in the grand scheme of our relationship? If the answer is no then keep your mouth shut.

-Be supportive but not controlling. You can have an opinion, just don't cram it down her throat like it is the only option you will entertain. Encourage her desire to be more successful and help make that happen if possible.

-Lastly if you don't like dating a smoker then don't date one, if you don't like dating blondes then don't date one and if you don't like dating a dancer don't date one. It isn't fair to start dating someone you knew full well was doing something you don't like and then comment how you don't like it until they stop. That is a sure fire way for them to resent you.

 

I think she still cares for you but isn't willing to take another chance on you. If she started dancing again would you be with her? If she grew her nails out long?

 

Lost

Yes I would do all those things. She's actually back at dancing to get some money on her side. When we started talking she said she was about to get another job. I didn't ask her she brought it up. It fell through but I was hooked. I know I messed up. I know it more than you may think I do. I just don't know what to do besides no contact and move on.

[ahd15]

Hey can u give send me

Only she knows why she is calling and you will never know unless you ask her.

 

I know it hurts every time you see her name on your phone but that is part of breaking up. Rarely do people say "we are done" and not talk a few more times at least after.

 

Were you controlling? Yes you were. They are her nails, her body and her life. If she was stripping and you weren't okay with it that is understandable but once again it needed to be her choice to stop, not a demand from you.

 

Sometimes in life and relationships you get a "Do Over" and if you read this forum enough you will see someone talking about getting back together with an ex and trying again. It can and does happen and sometimes if both people have grown and learned from what went wrong they can succeed.

 

Here are a few tips from a guy that has been around a while:

 

-Learn to listen and not try and fix things. She just wants a sympathetic ear that understands and is comforting. She is a big girl and can take care of herself and will ask if she needs help.

-Before you say anything about they way she does her hair, nails, makeup or anything ask yourself this one question: Is what I am about to say that important in the grand scheme of our relationship? If the answer is no then keep your mouth shut.

-Be supportive but not controlling. You can have an opinion, just don't cram it down her throat like it is the only option you will entertain. Encourage her desire to be more successful and help make that happen if possible.

-Lastly if you don't like dating a smoker then don't date one, if you don't like dating blondes then don't date one and if you don't like dating a dancer don't date one. It isn't fair to start dating someone you knew full well was doing something you don't like and then comment how you don't like it until they stop. That is a sure fire way for them to resent you.

 

I think she still cares for you but isn't willing to take another chance on you. If she started dancing again would you be with her? If she grew her nails out long?

 

Lost

[ahd15]

Sorry pocket post

[ahd15]

So she was a stripper, she has two kids with two different men, she has had more than one relationship with abusive men, she moved in with you because she lost her apartment and now she's planning to move in with an ex?

 

This sounds like a recipe for disaster.

 

Are you accustomed to trying to be a "fixer"?

If so I'm not very good at it. I see it as everyone has a past. Doesn't make them a bad person.

[boltnrun]

If so I'm not very good at it. I see it as everyone has a past. Doesn't make them a bad person.

 

Never said she was a "bad person". More like a project.

 

I mean, someone who just got out of prison for armed robbery or for aggravated assault has a past. It doesn't mean they are the best prospect for a relationship. Some could be, some are not. But the odds are not good.

 

With her past of multiple fathers to her children, working in the sex industry and being in abusive relationships (and even desiring to be "friends" with her former abusers/stalkers) doesn't bode well for her emotional and/or psychological health. Again, that doesn't make her a "bad person". It just makes her a risky romantic prospect.

[ahd15]

Never said she was a "bad person". More like a project.

 

I mean, someone who just got out of prison for armed robbery or for aggravated assault has a past. It doesn't mean they are the best prospect for a relationship. Some could be, some are not. But the odds are not good.

 

With her past of multiple fathers to her children, working in the sex industry and being in abusive relationships (and even desiring to be "friends" with her former abusers/stalkers) doesn't bode well for her emotional and/or psychological health. Again, that doesn't make her a "bad person". It just makes her a risky romantic prospect.

Of course I know you didn't mean it that way. I think it was failed relationships more than the fact that she had a few kids. Her kids loved me by the way. I loved them too.

Today she called because we had a bad storm where I live and wanted to make sure her and my dogs were OK. First thing she said when I called her back was that she was on the radio today. She was very excited about it. She's doing her other job that she got when we were together and that she had wanted to do since she was young.

I still have her dog because she's not staying anywhere on her own. I guess I'll let her tell me what she needs and hold off on the no contact thing later. I feel like if I blatantly ignore her that won't make her feel better about the situation. I truly believe she wanted to build something with me.

[ahd15]

Here are a few tips from a guy that has been around a while:

 

-Learn to listen and not try and fix things. She just wants a sympathetic ear that understands and is comforting. She is a big girl and can take care of herself and will ask if she needs help.

-Before you say anything about they way she does her hair, nails, makeup or anything ask yourself this one question: Is what I am about to say that important in the grand scheme of our relationship? If the answer is no then keep your mouth shut.

-Be supportive but not controlling. You can have an opinion, just don't cram it down her throat like it is the only option you will entertain. Encourage her desire to be more successful and help make that happen if possible.

-Lastly if you don't like dating a smoker then don't date one, if you don't like dating blondes then don't date one and if you don't like dating a dancer don't date one. It isn't fair to start dating someone you knew full well was doing something you don't like and then comment how you don't like it until they stop. That is a sure fire way for them to resent you.

 

Lost

 

It's strange I left her a note saying exactly that. When I walked in she was watching TV in the dark and I could tell she dyed her hair because of the light from the TV. I said "oh you dyed your hair it looks nice" and she freaked out wondering how I knew since she didn't tell me. I was blown away. Didn't mention the note or the stuff I left along with it. I even got her packing tape. Gave her my laptop and briefcase so she can peruse her career she started when we were together, some chocolate just to make her more comfortable at my house while she's moving out.

[ahd15]

The next girl I'm with is the one I'm gonna marry. I've learned a very valuable lesson from this. I hope she finds what she's looking for. I'll be supportive while she gets her stuff out but there's literally nothing I can do to make her give me another chance. I can still be the guy she wants me to be and that's by letting her go. I'm sure she doesn't want me to be broken like I am so I will hide it and get through it.

[Elavohra]

Dude! Just leave her alone, I love my ex like anything but I can't hold him forever. I made mistakes in my relationship, sincerely apologised enough, tried to make things work out but, everything went in vain. The best gift you can give her is to get out of her life. I can totally understand what you are going through. I know the pain. I have been dealing with the same. But, we got to understand their feelings as well. Just give her, her freedom otherwise you may end up pushing her away further like I did in my case. My ex sounds way too irritated when I call him. So, just leave her alone. Go on complete NC for your and her sake.

[ahd15]

Dude! Just leave her alone, I love my ex like anything but I can't hold him forever. I made mistakes in my relationship, sincerely apologised enough, tried to make things work out but, everything went in vain. The best gift you can give her is to get out of her life. I can totally understand what are you going through. I know the pain. I have been dealing with the same. But, we got to understand their feelings as well. Just give her, her freedom otherwise you may end up pushing her away further like I did in my case. My ex sounds way too irritated when I call him. So, just leave her alone. Go on complete NC for your and her sake.

I think you misunderstood. She wants to contact me and remain friends. I haven't and I really dont want to be friends only. She called me today after saying good bye. I'm not blowing her phone up or writing emails or texts. I promise I don't even have the slightest urge to message or call her. I would if we were still together but I wouldn't be here if we were.

[Anna Bell]

Do you think that you can accept her completely as who she is, what her history was and how she will be? You love her without any condition and respectfully?

 

If so, you still have chance. You left her the note and that's a way of showing your willingness to change. She still cares about you, she just felt suffocated when she was with you. You're a considerate man, got her tape, suitcase and even chocolate, that's sweet.

 

Give yourself and her some peaceful time for now and think through calmly, then make the decision and take the action.