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Are these signs of a controlling boyfriend?


Susanwirld

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My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a year and deeply care for each other. But there’s one thing that was really consistent that comes up from time to time and that is he could be very controlling and opinionated even if sometimes it is hurtful or insensitive. I can give a lot of examples but I suppose we just happen to have a day is a good one.

 

He really loves to golf the entire year even in the cold I was willing to learn it because it something we can do together. We didn’t go over the winter but then again this past spring when the golf course is opened in June that’s pretty much what we’ve done every weekend weather permitting. Even on my birthday late July he took me away on a golf vacation and yes we played golf most days were there.

 

So the other day it was nice weather and he said let’s go golfing. He just bought me a new pair of golf clubs which is very lovely and generous but I don’t necessarily want to have it on my wish list. We were doing dinner on the early side and even though we got started very early golfing I kept saying we better leave by a certain time to get home be ready. He said come on let’s just finish 18 rounds it will be OK. But I was a nervous wreck saying we could be running late. We did manage to finish golf but a little late and we had to rush home to get ready before dinner. Once we take it home he said see I told you would have plenty of time Really?

 

Again this may not seem like a big deal to me but it’s an indicator of his need to control. If I just intended date him know this would be a problem. Another example happened to the school and I drove out of state to his home to spend the weekend up there. Once I get up there I suggested that perhaps we take a nice ride to one of the nice little towns near him and one of the three days I was there. He said he said come on let’s play golf since the course it’s right around the corner from my house so we golfed two of the three days and on the third day of rain so I went home early. I understand gold has been a good activity given the pandemic but I do have a pool and like to swim so I only got into the pool a few times this season with him . The rest of the weekends we played golf even in the heat.

Is this a sign of an over controlling boyfriend?

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I don't really see where he is controlling. He is passionate about golfing. You are going along with it, learned how to play, etc. You don't seem to have much of a voice for yourself or interests of your own that you are willing to assert. You don't have to always do things together either. It's your choice you are always playing with him and he likely and rightfully assumes that you are actually into it as well.

 

The dinner thing, pretty common difference to happen with any couple - one person is anxious, the other thinks there is plenty of time. Annoying, sure, but controlling? No.

 

Sounds to me like you might have lost yourself and your identity in this relationship, but that's on you, not him.

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I may not have provided enough detail. He can be too pushy too often. Sometimes it seems that unless I do it his way it’s wrong. This extends into cooking, buying certain food, using certain products which may not be organic enough and even the venue for my daughters wedding. He is adamant that I shouldn’t give her wedding in Chicago because it’s too dangerous etc. by the way he’s never been there. He also says my sisters and family wouldn’t want to go there and may be mugged. Instead I should tell my daughter I’m giving the wedding in our suburban home area. He even told me he’d not go if I still had it in Chicago and after I told him that really hurt he backtracked and said of course he’d go with me.

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I may not have provided enough detail. He can be too pushy too often. Sometimes it seems that unless I do it his way it’s wrong. This extends into cooking, buying certain food, using certain products which may not be organic enough and even the venue for my daughters wedding. He is adamant that I shouldn’t give her wedding in Chicago because it’s too dangerous etc. by the way he’s never been there. He also says my sisters and family wouldn’t want to go there and may be mugged. Instead I should tell my daughter I’m giving the wedding in our suburban home area. He even told me he’d not go if I still had it in Chicago and after I told him that really hurt he backtracked and said of course he’d go with me.

 

To someone who has not been to Chicago -- all you see on tv right now is shootings and general out of controlness - violence is out of control and so is looting and vandalism. So why would someone want to go there? Is the wedding in a Chicago suburb, or is it in the city. Honestly, if he said this two years ago, I would be on your side, but right now, he has a point. Plus sometimes the Covid numbers in crowded places like cities. I think giving a wedding in your home is on the opposite extreme - it doesn't have to be IN your home but somewhere less knee deep in the hoopla. Can you even have a wedding in Chicago right now due to guest number restrictions? My guy is extremely supportive but he would not be having it right now if i was attending or planning event in the middle of Manhatten, or Chicago right now.

 

To me, that's not really controlling -- its being VERY concerned. He might not be able to say or you might not want to hear "honey, i am concerned about safety being that things are going how they are in Chicago". Sure, there are places in Chicago that are perfectly fine perhaps but with movement of large groups so restricted right now, especially out of towners, do you want to be responsible for all of them?

 

But then you said he backtracked and will go.

 

 

 

Also, if he wants to cook and eat foods that are only organic -- let him. Its his body.

 

Again, this doesn't sound controlling. Why are you looking for something to be wrong?

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Why did you move in so soon? Stop going golfing together. Find your own friends, interests, clubs, groups, volunteering, etc. All this sounds like nonsense, right/wrong bickering.

 

Who cares what you buy or eat or how you cook it? Don't cook for him. It's that simple. It sounds like you rushed the relationship too much and simply do not agree on how to do things.

 

As far as your daughter's wedding, why even discuss this with him. This is a discussion for you, your daughter, her fiancé and her father. Frankly he shouldn't even be there.

 

Stop treating a man you're dating around a year as if he is family. You are involving yourself too much in his life and he is involving himself way too much in yours, and not in a good way.

This extends into cooking, buying certain food, using certain products which may not be organic enough and even the venue for my daughters wedding. .
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I think you should take some time to decide for yourself.

 

It can be hard to express or show what you mean, but you know what you mean. And if you're having these feelings, there must be something to it.

 

But before you dump someone over this, be sure that you've done your part. Meaning, do you stand up to him when you feel he is being controlling? Or do you just silently go along, as to not rock the boat?

 

Stop doing things you don't want to do. When he starts challenging you and you disagree, speak up! If his style is making you lose respect for him, then maybe he's not the best fit for you.

 

You need to get in tune with how you feel. This is your relationship. Its your responsibility to ensure you are treated the way you want and be strong enough to walk away, if it's not.

 

And of course, compromise is a big part of any long term relationship. I am definitely not advising you refuse to do that. An old saying comes to mind, pick your battles wisely.

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I may not have provided enough detail. He can be too pushy too often. Sometimes it seems that unless I do it his way it’s wrong. This extends into cooking, buying certain food, using certain products which may not be organic enough and even the venue for my daughters wedding. He is adamant that I shouldn’t give her wedding in Chicago because it’s too dangerous etc. by the way he’s never been there. He also says my sisters and family wouldn’t want to go there and may be mugged. Instead I should tell my daughter I’m giving the wedding in our suburban home area. He even told me he’d not go if I still had it in Chicago and after I told him that really hurt he backtracked and said of course he’d go with me.

 

What the hell? It's not his business to decide where your daughter gets married! It's up to her and her fiance. He should stay home if he doesn't like the venue.

 

I didn't find him controlling about golf, just he is really passionate about it. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and if you dont want to golf as much, then dont go. You need a backbone so you dont get pushed around so much.

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What the hell? It's not his business to decide where your daughter gets married! It's up to her and her fiance. He should stay home if he doesn't like the venue.

 

I didn't find him controlling about golf, just he is really passionate about it. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and if you dont want to golf as much, then dont go. You need a backbone so you dont get pushed around so much.

 

I agree. I think you're being too passive and also confusing him - you learned how to play golf and so of course he assumes you enjoy it when you agree to play golf. When you first met him did you like how masculine he was - how take charge he was? Did you sometimes enjoy saying to your friends how you couldn't hang with them or chat right now because your boyfriend _____ (fill in the blank of him telling you what the plan is). Now that the honeymoon period has past you don't like it but you're not sure what to do about it. That's why I like the backbone advice.

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It's one thing to say, "don't have a wedding in Chicago because of what's going on there," versus, "I won't go if you have it there." He is manipulative, and condescending. Not controlling per say like he knows best.

 

And btw, zero proof that organic is better. It just means less pesticides - but there are still pesticides being used.

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I may not have provided enough detail. He can be too pushy too often. Sometimes it seems that unless I do it his way it’s wrong. This extends into cooking, buying certain food, using certain products which may not be organic enough and even the venue for my daughters wedding. He is adamant that I shouldn’t give her wedding in Chicago because it’s too dangerous etc. by the way he’s never been there. He also says my sisters and family wouldn’t want to go there and may be mugged. Instead I should tell my daughter I’m giving the wedding in our suburban home area. He even told me he’d not go if I still had it in Chicago and after I told him that really hurt he backtracked and said of course he’d go with me.

 

Again, none of that comes across as controlling as such. Concern, yes, preferences, sure. That said, if YOU feel like you are being smothered and suffocated in this relationship, then you need to make that decision and leave. You don't need a bunch of strangers to tell you that and you certainly don't need to justify it as "he is controlling". Not compatible is the best reason in the world to part ways when you don't feel right in the relationship. At the end of the day, how YOU feel in the relationship and your opinion is the only one that matters.

 

What I see here is that you and him don't seem very compatible. The very things that attract you, a more dominant, decisive personality, is also what's starting to cause strife. You are too opposite of each other. Somehow I get the impression that a woman who is more similar to him, with a stronger personality and firmer boundaries would have no problem balancing out this relationship. However, you need someone who is softer and more like yourself - a bit more easy going and gentle.

 

Opposites attract, but then they fight - a very very true adage.

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He sounds assertive and from what you share, you appear to be passive.

 

That's not the same as being controlling. It seems the two of you have gotten into a pattern of him speaking up and you not holding your own.

 

What would happen if you respectfully told him, no - no golf today thank you. Or yes to golf, but only if we are done by 4. And you back up your words with confidence and you back up your terms with action. It called compromising and it's what healthy relationships are made of.

 

If he gets manipulative, plays head games, becomes insulting and tries to force you to do things you otherwise have clearly stated you are not comfortable with, then I might call him controlling.

 

In the meantime you appear to have taken on the role of being permissive and then don't like the outcome. You can't hold that against him if you aren't being responsible and handling your own end to ensure you are heard and your needs are met.

 

It's time to start speaking up on your own behalf.

But the problem here is he chose you for a reason and vice versa. He signed up for someone who is passive. Change the terms on him and things might get rough. But what other choice do you have? You can't continue to acquiese to his terms indefinitely if it's already making you uncomfortable.

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He seems a bit boorish but depends on your taste. I can see how he'd rub you the wrong way after awhile especially if you want to do different things. It's up to you though. Not every partner will ask you your choice on what you'd like to do for the day or put you in the driver's seat or willingly follow you around while you make most of the suggestions. I do think the relationship is a bit dry overall if all you're ever doing together is golfing.

 

Put suggestions out there on what you'd like to do in the next weekend you're together and don't agree to go golfing if he suggests it again. Add some variety. If he makes a big deal about it or argues with you or chooses to golf anyway without you while you have a weekend planned together, well, that will speak volumes and you can cross one bridge at a time while deciding what kind of man he is.

 

At that point, I'd talk things over in a heart to heart and be very frank about your interests and likes. Don't say anything disparaging about golfing. Just start talking more about your interests and other things you'd like to do. If you want to go into town, you seem like you have your own vehicle so go into town. There shouldn't be anything stopping you from doing what you love to do. You'll find out whether both of you are compatible in the long run that way.

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I'll go against the grain here. I definitely see him as controlling and selfish. It's his way or the highway. I say take the highway. Your boyfriend should be with a girlfriend who is an avid recreational golfer just like he is and he'll have more in common with her. Your boyfriend always wants to do what he wants yet he's not willing to be selfless and do what you want every now and then. It's all about him and what he wants all the time. This relationship is unfair and unbalanced.

 

It's all about golf and never mind about getting home in time so both of you can cook and eat dinner at a decent hour before it gets too late. He prefers to play golf all the time with total disregard to schedules, other plans or whatever you suggest which doesn't make for a smooth, easy relationship at all.

 

Your boyfriend needs to mind his own business regarding your daughter's wedding venue. It's your daughter's wedding and her choice and decision wherever she prefers to get married. There's nothing you can do about his reneging attendance at your daughter's wedding. Attend without him if he refuses to attend.

 

Your boyfriend won't change for you. Either accept his personality and character the way he is or dissolve and exit the relationship.

 

It's nice to have interests, hobbies, sports, activities, outings and friends of your own. However, it's also wonderful to do things together instead of one person only wanting to do the same thing every and all the time such as golf, golf, golf and more golf. There needs to be a happy medium and compromise otherwise your relationship with him will always be unhappy and frustrating.

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He really loves to golf the entire year even in the cold I was willing to learn it because it something we can do together. We didn’t go over the winter but then again this past spring when the golf course is opened in June that’s pretty much what we’ve done every weekend weather permitting. Even on my birthday late July he took me away on a golf vacation and yes we played golf most days were there.

 

His golfing all the time is obsessive. Wearing you down, and dragging you along with him is controlling, or at the very least, imposing his will over yours. Taking you on a golf outing on your birthday, and not giving you the chance to choose how you wanted to celebrate is unacceptable.

 

The two of you are not a good match. Do you want to live your life, or be a puppet in helping him live his life? They're not the same.

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Is this a sign of an over controlling boyfriend?

 

I wouldn't say 'controlling,' but I might characterize him as self-absorbed and inconsiderate to consistently ignore your wishes in favor of his own. And with the Chicago thing, a bit nosy and overbearing. It's a lot to deal with. I'd probably be aggravated to no end. But I don't think it's quite the same as 'controlling,' which usually consists of sneaky, manipulative, power plays. Your guy is just a boor.

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Become a permanent golf caddy to your boyfriend or be with a man who knows how to treat you right.

 

It was your birthday. Happy Belated Birthday! He controlled what the plans were for your birthday. What a guy! :eek: :upset:

 

And, a guy can be controlling as in controlling what he wants all the time, which activity both of you will do all the time, what both of you will do all the time and never mind what you think or suggest. Your feelings don't matter. Yes, he's a control freak. Either put up and shut up. Or, get out.

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Where your daughter wants her wedding is up to her, and how you want to spend your time is up to you.

 

I'd be more assertive: not to the degree that I'm trying to force agreement from him, but rather to exercise my own voice and do for myself whatever I want.

 

If BF reacts badly to any given instance, I'd shelve the argument and allow him to contemplate. I'd let those chips fall wherever they fall.

 

If BF picks a given incident as his hill to die on and he ditches the relationship over it, then that would tell me that we didn't have a strong enough relationship to support my independence, and I'd only have learned that later rather than sooner.

 

If BF has a bad reaction but recovers from it, then there's hope that he'll learn over time to accommodate an equal partner.

 

It makes no sense to passively put up with behaviors that cause you resentment only to make yourself miserable. Asserting oneself doesn't require a tug of war or demands of submission, only a voice of preference--and if that's nixed by him, just go along with your own idea anyway, and offer to meet him later for dinner or whatever.

 

Your first stand after never taking one before is likely to cause a wave of protest. So surf it and see whether he will learn to do the same. If not, then it's worth getting that battle out of the way.

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The golfing thing is a non-issue. And honestly, if you're not feeling it, stop going golfing with him. Having at least a couple separate hobbies is more often than not a very healthy relationship dynamic.

 

The whole wedding thing depends. I don't know how much of it is him interrupting your steak dinner to remind you that your daughter is signing her death warrant for having a wedding in Chicago or whether you're simply including him too much in the discussion, wherein yes, he's going to give his opinion when solicited for it. At the end of the day, it's her wedding, and that's that. Leave the topic alone. It's best to keep the space open for any disagreements that are actually of any consequence and thus worth the energy exploring.

 

I guess my bigger question is what exactly are you bringing to the table in terms of couples activities and interest aside from your daughter's wedding plans? It's often hard to make a distinction between situations where someone is grabbing the other person's arm and dragging them or when one person simply goes the direction the feintest wind decides for them. Draw some boundaries. Do things you like to do-- both by yourself and with him. Sitting back and waiting for someone to take the wheel in the way you prefer to be driven isn't the most efficient way to navigate romances.

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