My boyfriend raped me

[Katrine1]

Hi. I am a 20 y/o woman living with my 21 y/o boyfriend. We have been together for two and a half years, and I love him very much. He is my best friend. He is loving, warm, thoughtful, romantic and I love being with him. Two years ago when we were walking home from his parents' drunk-out-of-our-minds we had sex on the way home. Except I said no. Repeatedly. I was too drunk and did not want to have sex but he continued until I stopped resisting. Similar things have happened a few times after that. He has not respected my sexual boundaries although this has improved a lot since we started talking about it (about a month ago but vaguely not about that time). He does not want to hurt me in any way and now he is almost afraid to touch me. So he is really trying. I supressed the incident I mentioned until yesterday when I finally broke down and told him excactly what he had done. He was shocked to say the least and started crying. I have never seen him cry. He said "I raped my own girlfriend" and said sorry again and again and held me. He said that I didn't deserve it and that he needs help. Today (next day) he reached out to a therapist at his job. He means it and I can tell. But now I am left feeling empty. Can ANYONE recover from this? Will we ever be able to get back to being us? I of course considered leaving once I started remembering but his reaction was so genuine and I KNOW he would do anything to make me happy. It broke his heart.

How do I handle this? :( I can't afford a therapist and my school doesn't have one so I basically can't talk to anyone about it. I haven't told anyone except my boyfriend. Can't tell my mom - she would kill him. Can't tell my only friend because she is in a relationship with my boyfriend's brother and she and my bf are very close. I am alone with this. I was abused as a child and raped as a young teenager so I "know how to cope" but it's still so hard.

[Usa1ah]

Go to a local church and find someone there to talk with.

 

You need someone you can just talk with that will listen.

[DanZee]

If you're covered by health insurance, it will pay for therapy. There are some rape hotlines you can call for further help. There may be therapy groups meeting in your area where you can talk about what happened with other women who've been raped. You're probably experiencing a form of PTSD and that can keep coming back if you don't get some kind of treatment.

[Wiseman2]

Are you afraid he will be arrested? Or lose his job? It is a very serious allegation. Why did you wait 2 years to tell him and even move in with him after the fact?

Two years ago when we were walking home from his parents' drunk-out-of-our-minds we had sex on the way home. I supressed the incident I mentioned until yesterday when I finally broke down and told him excactly what he had done. he reached out to a therapist at his job.