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I'm Not OK


relevart

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My OP about this is here

 

 

 

Tomorrow is the day. My wife takes the kids and moves 70 miles away. I cannot afford the current apartment and will hopefully be able to stay with my sister who is currently out of town. I can't afford temporary storage, so the wife is pretty much taking everything but my clothes with her. She's [pretty much taking everything but me.

 

I will not make it through this. I am barely hanging on now. I don't know how often I will see my kids because of my financial situation.

 

I want to die. Everytime I get in my car back and forth between home and work I pray to a God I'm not sure I believe in that He let me wreck and die.

 

Yet I still put my seat belt on.

 

I'm trying to be strong in front of the kids who have been staying with me while my wife gets things in order for their new wife. None of it seems fair for anyone except possibly her. As the time draws near, they have stopped eating and my son says he can't sleep at night. Somewhat oddly, when I get to sleep, I sleep like a rock. It'x the waking hours when the nightmares come.

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You will make it. Monday is one year since my ex wife dropped the hammer. It's a long slow and painful process but it is a process. Be a great dad for your kids. It's a sh*tstorm what they put us through but it is survivable. The first 6-8 months were absolute hell but it does get easier.

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She just called me and laid into me because I have not done anything at the apartment to get it ready for her to move. She yelled at me and said all bets are off as to how this divorce is going to go. And that she is not going to take any of my stuff with her to her new place as agreed upon. I have no other choice but to leave it there and let the property managers toss it all including my bed and recliner, I don't give a crap about any of that, but my one hope was that maybe she would have a change of heart about us.

 

I can't handle this.

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It's pretty inappropriate for her to expect you to help her move belongings out of the house, because she's the one ending this.

 

Get yourself an attorney. Sounds like she's preparing for a battle, so you'd better do the same.

 

You don't have anyone that can lend you some cash to get a short-term storage unit? Just for a month or so? It would suck to lose your furniture and have to start from scratch.

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Relevart I feel your pain man as I was once in your shoes. My only advice for you is to not give up. You have to stay strong for yourself and for your kids. Kids have a weird way of sensing something is wrong with us. The stuff that you have are all replaceable. You have your pride as a father, respect yourself, and dignity to keep on fighting through the roughest time of your life. Stay with me on this because you will make through, I did. GL.

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Why aren't you sitting down with your wife and settling things rather than just letting her do and take what she wants? From your other thread, your son has Asperger's. How is it good that he be ripped from his school and routine at this point in the school year? Since he has been diagnosed, I assume, I fully assume he has a school aide, or at least his classes and routine at school have been selected with care because of it. You can't just plop him in at another school in the middle of a semester with no meetings with the school counselor to matriculate him in the best way so that he will thrive. Making him the "new kid" if he has been at his school for a few years is not the best idea. Does he have an advocate at school that would testify or recommend or fill out a letter that he needs to stay in his school? I would get a court order barring her from taking him. Heck, you could report him as kidnapped since you didn't agree that she could move the children.

 

The level headed way to do this is what is in the best interest of the kids and if that means you both pay for the apartment until the lease is up and if the lease is up next month, you arrange with the landlord to go month to month until the school year is finished. If that means she leaves and pursues a job elsewhere and stays in a hotel or crashes with a friend or eats beans and rice when she is there, that is what it means. And how can she take all the furniture, etc? It is all half yours, right? You need to fight for your kids. She can't just leave you without a pot to cook in. Get an attorney. At least talk to one. You are taking this on your ear. And you will have no home to provide the kids with, so any visitation you have will be you travelling to visit them. So instead of just letting everything happen - put up a fight. if she wants to leave you - she is out the door - but she has no right to take every shred of what you have minus your clothing.

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She just called me and laid into me because I have not done anything at the apartment to get it ready for her to move. She yelled at me and said all bets are off as to how this divorce is going to go. And that she is not going to take any of my stuff with her to her new place as agreed upon. I have no other choice but to leave it there and let the property managers toss it all including my bed and recliner, I don't give a crap about any of that, but my one hope was that maybe she would have a change of heart about us.

 

I can't handle this.

 

I would put it in storage - but why is the landlord going to throw you out tomorrow? Can you pay for the apartment for a few more months, even if that means eating beans and rice and taking on a part time job?

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I can't afford the rent. The landlord won't throw anything out tomorrow. I at least have a few days. It's just all coming apart this afternoon and I'm not explaining myself very well. It's done though. There's no goingback.

 

Okay - how can you not pay rent on the 1st? You guys would have had the rent ready to go. If you can't pay rent, then you give notice, tell your landlord that your wife left and you cannot afford it - most landlors use your last month's rent from when you put your deposit down as your last month's rent, you would would have til the end of march. I would talk to your landlord and say the unexpected happen and will he/she give you a month to get things together. She is prettty much a witch for not helping you pay it on short notice, but shame on you also for having no emergency funds - i mean, you have kids, don't you have a few months expenses saved up in case the unthinkable happened??

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A lot of people don't have the option of having a nice nest egg in case this happens, abitbroken. Nothing against you, because good for you if you're able to do that - I certainly can't, myself.

 

Relevart, sounds like the landlord is giving you at least the weekend to get your things together. Ask someone, a close friend maybe, or your sister, if you can keep some things at their homes until you get your own place. Or ask to borrow $100-$200 to rent a storage unit for a month, to buy yourself some time to figure out something else. Or use this weekend as an opportunity to have a quick yard sale to sell some things you're okay with leaving behind - at least then you won't just be throwing them out.

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relevart I am so sorry .... I think all ideas have been passed your way re your stuff .... its hard to ring round pals and so on when your world is falling apart , you have to summon up the strength to to sort this out .....

 

Your children are going to be your backbone right now ..you live for them, breathe for them and keep going for them ... they need their daddy ....even when daddy wants to curl up and die .

You will get through it darling , you will look back and wonder how the hell you did it ...but you will . We are all kicking around all weekend for when you need a shoulder . Thinking of you and sending you all the love and strength I can and again ...I am very sorry .

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So sorry you're going through this, I can't offer any practical advice and others have already suggested the only things I would be able to think of.

 

I just wanted to say you will get through this, you need to stay as strong as you can for your kids. There will be times in the future when won't even be able to recall how you got through it, but you will.

 

Almost seven years ago I was in pretty much the same situation - nowhere to go, nothing but the clothes on my back but my kids were with me. It was rough, there were days when I didn't know how I had even got through it but keep on battling on because things do fall into place.

 

I will always remember one particular night, I had finally got a place to live but had hardly any furniture and whatever I did was. 2nd, 3rd or even 4th hand but it was now mine. I sat in total silence and cried, I had no real material possessions but I finally realised I had peace of mind and was on the road to being ok and it was probably the happiest day I have ever had.

 

You are stronger than you think and on the days you don't think you are, sleep on it because every new day it gets a little bit better.

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A lot of people don't have the option of having a nice nest egg in case this happens, abitbroken. Nothing against you, because good for you if you're able to do that - I certainly can't, myself.

 

Relevart, sounds like the landlord is giving you at least the weekend to get your things together. Ask someone, a close friend maybe, or your sister, if you can keep some things at their homes until you get your own place. Or ask to borrow $100-$200 to rent a storage unit for a month, to buy yourself some time to figure out something else. Or use this weekend as an opportunity to have a quick yard sale to sell some things you're okay with leaving behind - at least then you won't just be throwing them out.

 

I get it, but - It would just seem if they were breaking up with kids, they would have had a step by step plan instead of her just ripping the kids out of school and going. If it was the other way around, and the husband was leaving the kids and wife, surely they would work out a transition so that the other party wouldn't be on the street with such short notice. If her name is on the lease too it doesn't matter if she has a new place - she is equally responsible. I assume he was given short notice since he says that he could live with his sister, but she is out of town so doesn't know if he can - making me think that she just decided within a day or a week to put a deposit on a place and up and leave. Also, if he paid rent faithfully up until this point and just cannot make rent on the first, he should give notice and the landlord will use the last month's rent - when they left the first/last/security deposit - it should be there if that was the arrangement. Hopefully, his lease is up so he is not stuck with the breaking the lease fees - which SHE should be equally on the hook for.

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The rent we'd pay to the apartment, she's paying on their new place. Going to be a hell of a weekend.

 

What about my question about your son? So its all in the best interest of the child to rip him out of his routine on short notice? You have absolutely zero say in the matter for his well being? You DO have a say of which school he goes to. Unless they are her kids from a previous relationship, she has no right to pull him out of school without your equal consent. Do you even know what his new school will be or if they are aware of his needs and challenges?

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I am sorry. Divorce is tough. Have been there. I also did not have income, did not know language enough, was in a foreign to me country, had no friends or family to lean on, did not have a job and did not know how to drive a car. Also I had very limited rights in order to get an employment due to my impaired visa status. And I had a kid to take care of.

 

Life is full of surprises. Believe it. You say that you can not do it. Change this conviction. Everybody can do it. You have no choice. You have to deal with this and you will. Every exit is an entrance. Never forget that. Just go through with what is unfolding. Let your wife to make all the decisions on how she wants to leave you. It is not your concern anymore. Go to the place where you are going to be living for a while and try to find free consultation on your rights in this divorce. try to figure out how to meet ends financially for YOU.

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Well, I'm here. I just wanted to say that I appreciate all the comments, advice and well wishes in this thread and the other. It's been really helpful. I was dreading Saturday like the plaque. She brought half her family to help her move and that brought some odd relivef. Her mom, whom I have never got along with, came u, hugged me and said she was sorry for everything I was going through. Her brother-in-law shook my hand and said he thought it was a mid-life crisis she was going through. Her brother gave me a bro hug and just kept shaking his head like he didn't know what to say.

 

Then my friend called and invited me up to his place for the day because he knew it was going to be rough. So I got a few things taken care of at the apartment and then huddled with my kids for a few minutes and explained what I was doing. There were a few tears, but not the emotional wailing I had expected. And I meant from me. Hung out with my friend for the rest of the day and as I was heading home, I began thinking and, surprisingly, I was hopeful of the future. Wasn't sure how I was going to get through the present, but I felt hope which I thought was a good sign.

 

Then my wife called wanting to see how I was doing. It was one of a few times lately she had shown any real concern for me. Then she said they still had more stuff to get at the place the next day. So all the feelings came back as far as dealing with them leaving, etc. etc. Swept like a rock that night, exhausted. Then my wife and son came back to get some more things. I broke down a few times and tried to keep them from seeing me. My son, who is 15, kept asking me what was wrong. I know he meant well, but I was trying to be strong in front of him and not weak in front of her, two different things in my book. She showed almost no emotion at all toward me.

 

I have some things stored at work and some in my car. There's still a few things we both need to get from the apartment. I move in with my sister tonight. There is one bright spot. I found a resume that I thought I had lost. My sister's friend works in the field I used to work in and would like to get back into. And she told my sister to make sure I got the resume to her. I'm caught between hoping like hell I can get this job and not wanting to let my hopes get the best of me. It would be more money that I get now -- I'm in what I call a hold me over job after I got laid off -- and would let me get on my feet again a lot sooner.

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I have hopes for you, R. I think you'll be okay. Take it one day at a time - or an hour at a time, if that's easier. Your kids love you, it sounds like you have some sort of support system, and you have people looking out for you. Plus, us!

 

Keep us updated, okay?

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