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Self defense for a child - necessary?


charity

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My son is 12 - a very easy going, kind and affectionate kid. I'v never had any behavioral issues with him and we are very close. He has some learning difficulties and so school work is a tough area for him but other than that he likes school and has a few close friends who are of a very similar nature to him. Recently, a boy in his class began being quite mean to him, calling him 'dumb', 'stupid' and so forth. This progressed to him scribbling on my sons schoolwork, then a punch in the stomach during yard time and just last week the boy called my son the N word. The boy is very troubled and very angry and my son is just the latest victim of his negative behavior. My son has handled this really well. The words did not hurt him. He doesn't seem to be affected. He stood up for himself and he reported the issue to the teacher. He did mention though that he was concerned that this boy would one day 'beat' him up. I've done everything that I can and the school are responding as best they can.

 

I did not handle it as well as my son. I'm not sure if my feelings are normal or an overreaction. I was livid and upset on behalf of my son. I am genuinely worried about this boys anger and his dislike towards my son. The boy is aggressive and violent. My son absolutely is not, he is the complete opposite and so is the perfect target. In a few years these kids will be teens living in the same town. This boy is already part of a gang of similar kids and I have started to think and be concerned for the future. I am parenting alone and have always taught my children that violence is not the answer, use words, surround yourself with good people etc etc. Male friends have often told me that my son should learn how to defend himself because 'boys will be boys' and he will have to face the real world. I have always disagreed and felt that my son can stand up for himself in an appropriate and dignified manner without needing to use violence.

 

So I started thinking about getting my son into self defense classes. All men I've spoken to seem to think this is a good idea and necessary. My son will never provoke a fight I am sure but perhaps these classes would aid his physical strength and confidence in turn making him less of a target. At the very least the class could help him protect vital areas of his body if he was beaten up.

 

But my son is against this idea. It does not appeal to him one bit. I took him to one class and he absolutely hated it. Even though the class was mostly exercising and fitness with just a few minutes spent on punching and kicking, he absolutely hated it. He really is not into physical exertion so the class was just one long session of discomfort for him. I've asked him to give it a chance for 5/6 weeks and he does not want to. Of course he will if I force him.

 

And here is my reason for posting. Should I force him? I don't feel good doing that. But I can't help feeling that it could stand to him the future and he should give it a genuine chance. What does everyone think?

 

Thank you!

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My wife and I are having a lot of conversations about issues like this as we're going to be starting a family once we move in a couple months. I think knowing how to defend oneself and having the strength and fitness to do so is a life skill, not a hobby. So, yes, it will be compulsory for any children we have, son or daughter. Just as much as it will be for them to learn how to change a tire, start a fire, tie a knot, speak a second language, first aid, among whatever else. That's not to say it can't or won't be incentivized where and when possible or that it's gonna be some big focal point of their lifestyle or anything, but yeah, there will most likely be privileges contingent on it, even if turns out more effort-based than performance-based.

 

Martial arts, even Krav Maga, take a long, long time, a lot of dedication, and frankly passion to successfully adopt for practical self-defense. I took as many different combatives courses as I could in the Army, a lot of which incorporated it, but I couldn't begin to say I'm proficient in it. There may not be a way to get him to be motivated for this program in particular, but perhaps if you can give him some illusion of choice in pursuing the exercise / strength / self-defense training within other programs or, if it's within your financial means, hiring a reputable one-on-one instructor, you could test different waters with him while letting him know this is something he needs to do as much as he needs to do dishes.

 

It's not like he needs to be able to compete in MMA. It doesn't take a whole lot to get an edge ahead of the general population. Honestly, even if all you can get from him is general fitness, it'd be more than a whole lot of kids and give him a much better chance of, at the very least, running away. If it's never been acculturated in him and if he's not innately interested in it, that may be all you can hope for.

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It's not like he needs to be able to compete in MMA. It doesn't take a whole lot to get an edge ahead of the general population. Honestly, even if all you can get from him is general fitness, it'd be more than a whole lot of kids and give him a much better chance of, at the very least, running away.

 

Thanks j.man, that's my feeling on it too. I'm actually surprised at how much he hated it as it was a good class. After the class he basically told me me he was very angry at me, he understood why I felt it was important but its okay he's got this and he can handle it his own way.

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I don’t think it’s “necessary” - he can continue using his words, and surrounding himself with friends, and taking precautions.

 

I do think there are benefits, though... ability to defend himself, self-confidence, etc.

 

In my opinion... you know... life sucks sometimes. It sucks and we sometimes have to do things that we don’t really want to do - but we do it because it’s good for us. Examples: eating our vegetables, exercise, cleaning the house, going to work, etc. We don’t have to like it or be excited about it, but we have to do it. I think this is an important lesson in life too.

 

I don’t think you should ever feel guilty for “making” your child do something that you feel is in their best interest. You are mom. That’s your job, IMO. You have the benefit and wisdom that comes with life experience and are therefore in the best position to guide them...

 

I know I have a number of things I’ve later (20+ years later) thanked my parents for “making” me do that I had no interest in at the time... (swimming lessons comes to mind - a life skill and life saver!!)

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Some first hand experience here. First my son did a year or more of aikido. He was 6 when he started.he didn’t like it because the instructors were way too harsh and yelled and worse. I ended up agreeing. Then he did karate at a place that was structured but more “fun “-they also did specific classes in bullying etc - meaning classes where they also discussed these issues with the kids.

 

After two years my son was done - meaning he didn’t enjoy it and was bored. And getting him there twice a week was a pain in the behind too. I do think he got things out of it and we each met some really cool people. He did have some issues with being bullied in kindergarten and first grade but not so much the last few years. He is ten and short for his age. But his school does not tolerate bullying nor would his school tolerate hitting back. I do think it helped him with his overall development. Paying the cancellation fee was painful to be honest. My suggestion is to try different places as most of not all let you do a sample or trial class. Good luck!

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My son did karate at the top dojo in the province. Didn’t stop him from being picked on . My son was relentlessly bullied at school. Finally with the last bully that wouldn’t leave him alone I told him to knock him silly. Which he did. He punched him 3 times in the face. The other kid got suspended and my son got an afternoon at home. But bullying stopped.

 

Not that I recommend this, but it worked in my day and it worked for my child. I am not pro violence but you can only visit a school so often and get no results.

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Personally, I wish I had learned self-defence as a child. I believe children benefit greatly from it. There are so many types, perhaps your kid can test different types of self-defence (or look at some videos at least if the former isn't possible) and see which one he likes.

 

Wishing you all the best!

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Don't make your son do it, if there is no buy in. Otherwise he will also feel pushed by his mom too.

 

I wish there was a way to reach the bully. Obviously he has deep issues, to feel the need to bully others like that.

 

My mom used to go into inner city schools in Detroit for class presentations. She would somehow figure out who the worst problem child was, and get them involved in helping with the presentation. By the end, she had them completely won over. She was such a pro!

 

My heart goes out to your son. Love him like he is and how he handles the situations that come up. Keep the communication lines open, and if he ever requests a self defense class then he can ask you.

 

Hope it all works out.

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I wouldn't force him against his will. Since this bullying problem was taken care of for now, one step at a time. I know you're a great mother but your son has to learn and figure out what he wants to do as life teaches him along the way. Unfortunately, it requires some risks as he grows up and he will be the one to determine when it's time to tell you he WANTS and DESIRES to defend himself by enrolling in a defense class. I know you want what is best for his future. However, forcing your son now will cause him to protest and rebel which will make both of you miserable. It's not a good scenario.

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It might be worth considering getting him a private instructor. Not having to perform these moves in front of his peers might make him feel more comfortable. A private tutor wouldn't be cheap, but it could be temporary just until he acclimates. Just a thought. And/or: do it with him.

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How about an instructional YouTube video series that you two could do together? He could learn the basics of self defense without being on display.

 

BTW, my son encountered a similar situation to another poster (Batya? Sorry, have to go back and check. Nope...Seraphim). My son was a big kid, but an older (and smaller) kid kept harassing him on the walk home from school. One day he'd had enough...he's a slow burn but once he ignites, watch out! He turned around and shoved the older but smaller kid onto the ground and, leaning over him, told him very firmly "you do that again and I'll do this again". Kid left him alone after that.

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How about an instructional YouTube video series that you two could do together? He could learn the basics of self defense without being on display.

 

BTW, my son encountered a similar situation to another poster (Batya? Sorry, have to go back and check. Nope...Seraphim). My son was a big kid, but an older (and smaller) kid kept harassing him on the walk home from school. One day he'd had enough...he's a slow burn but once he ignites, watch out! He turned around and shoved the older but smaller kid onto the ground and, leaning over him, told him very firmly "you do that again and I'll do this again". Kid left him alone after that.

 

Yeah, my son is slow to ignite as well. He was picked on from the day he started school at three years old . He had black eyes ,he was held down ,he was tormented ,he was held down and beaten he was swarmed. When he hit the fellow who tormented him for 4 months he was in grade 11. And even the vice principal told me the teachers could see it building for four months . Why the hell didn’t they stop it from building? Because every child has a right to an education . 🙄 and schools had a no tolerance policy . Bullshyte they do. My son was small. 130 pounds in grade 11. But I told him to deck him and I would stand up for him. He did and the school did not punish him as they said the other boy had bullied my son since grade 9 and he had it coming. Take my boy home and calm him down.

 

Now my son is over six feet and 200 pounds. No one wants to bully him.

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How about an instructional YouTube video series that you two could do together? He could learn the basics of self defense without being on display.

 

BTW, my son encountered a similar situation to another poster (Batya? Sorry, have to go back and check. Nope...Seraphim). My son was a big kid, but an older (and smaller) kid kept harassing him on the walk home from school. One day he'd had enough...he's a slow burn but once he ignites, watch out! He turned around and shoved the older but smaller kid onto the ground and, leaning over him, told him very firmly "you do that again and I'll do this again". Kid left him alone after that.

 

Nope not us. In our school no "self defense" allowed and another poster suggested getting to know the bully -in our school a parent can't interact with another child like that on school grounds and the school doesn't give out the name (sure the child who is bullied often does).

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Don't make your son do it, if there is no buy in. Otherwise he will also feel pushed by his mom too.

 

I wish there was a way to reach the bully. Obviously he has deep issues, to feel the need to bully others like that.

 

My mom used to go into inner city schools in Detroit for class presentations. She would somehow figure out who the worst problem child was, and get them involved in helping with the presentation. By the end, she had them completely won over. She was such a pro!

 

My heart goes out to your son. Love him like he is and how he handles the situations that come up. Keep the communication lines open, and if he ever requests a self defense class then he can ask you.

 

Hope it all works out.

 

Thank you. This is what I am leaning towards

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I wouldn't force a 12 year old. That's basically punishment for confiding in you, and my main concern would be now that he won't trust you and is shouldering burdens from two sides, and secretly.

 

Instead, I'd take him out for a nice walk, because walking side by side is less threatening than speaking eye to eye. I'd tell him that if he will take this walk with me, he gets to pick the place where I will treat him to a nice meal afterward.

 

While walking, I'd apologize to him for pushing the class on him and tell him that I won't force him to go there again. From there, he'll be more receptive to what you say to him after that. I'd tell him that I realize that it's on me to learn how to trust his judgment and to stop treating him like he's 6 instead of 12, and that I need for him to help me learn to do that. This means that being secretive with me will make me less likely to trust him going forward, while being open with me--about anything and everything that concerns him--will show me that he trusts me not to overreact and impose accidental punishments on him the way I did with that class. So this will teach both of us that our trust of one another can be mutual.

 

If we can talk through any future concerns, I may raise questions for him to think about and possibly offer some options to help him resolve a problem or make a decision. He will get to make the first choice of any options we put on the table, and he can also decide if there's anything he wants me to do that can help. If his choice works out, we can discuss some kind of reward for a solution well done. If not, we can go back to considering other options.

 

I'd tell him that my hope is to teach him how to make adult decisions while he teaches me that I can allow him more freedoms of choice as he grows older. We can also discuss a list of rewards he wants from me going forward in exchange for a list of things that I want from him or for him that he can pick from to earn those rewards.

 

I'd go quiet and let him speak about his response to this idea, and anything else he wants to raise. I'd save any further talk about the bullying for the meal unless he raises it and wants to go there. I'd hear him out, and I'd learn from him what HE wants any solutions to be. He may well end up showing you that he does, indeed, have a handle on it, OR, that he has some ideas about how you can help him navigate through this particular hurdle.

 

Sometimes listening without taking charge of outcomes is the best way to teach kids that they can trust you instead of teaching them that they need to hide things from you in order to avoid worse outcomes.

 

Head high, you're a smart Mom for bringing this to a forum. Your son is lucky to have you.

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He's 12 and not into any forms of physical exertion? Is the resistance here to exercise in general that gets him breaking a sweat or the particular class?

 

I'm still curious about this though.

 

I don't think a child should be forced to complete a class, particularly when it's a self defence class he didn't choose.

 

However, I do think physical activity and fitness is essential for development. And the benefits go way beyond purely physical. Strenuous regular activity, if he isn't getting it already ( and he may be, you didn't answer) could make a huge difference including when it comes to needing to focus on school work.

 

I hope you won't take offence, as I don't know if he is already getting that. Just how I read it, it sort of sounded like he has a real aversion to physical activity? And if he does, there are ways to encourage a love of sport ( does not have to be classes) that will benefit him through life.

 

I still remember fondly a particular coach of mine, who nurtured me as a girl who did not feel naturally athletic, and brought out the strengths I have and a life long love of physical activity as a source of confidence and positive coping outlet.

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I'm still curious about this though.

 

I don't think a child should be forced to complete a class, particularly when it's a self defence class he didn't choose.

 

However, I do think physical activity and fitness is essential for development. And the benefits go way beyond purely physical. Strenuous regular activity, if he isn't getting it already ( and he may be, you didn't answer) could make a huge difference including when it comes to needing to focus on school work.

 

I hope you won't take offence, as I don't know if he is already getting that. Just how I read it, it sort of sounded like he has a real aversion to physical activity? And if he does, there are ways to encourage a love of sport ( does not have to be classes) that will benefit him through life.

 

I still remember fondly a particular coach of mine, who nurtured me as a girl who did not feel naturally athletic, and brought out the strengths I have and a life long love of physical activity as a source of confidence and positive coping outlet.

 

 

Hi itsallgrand, sorry for my late response. He's is fit and active - no hugely so - but certainly enough I would say. He will join any bunch of lads playing a game of football or basketball but is not interested in actually joining a team. For him, physical exertion needs to be a lot of fun and pleasure as well. This class did not offer that.

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