Ex-gf. I feel trapped in a toxic cycle.

[SmooveJ1124]

I know I am going to probably get ripped to shreds here. But I need advice and help.

 

Been in a on again off again situationship with a ex girlfriend for 3 years now. Our official relationship only lasted for 7 months due to differences I thought we could work through. From that point on we been on again and off again since 2014. She has a quick temper and gets mad at anything and if it isn't her way then she's gone. I am 26 and she is 27. I have a great job making good money to support myself and someone else. she on the other hand lives with her parents works a part time and has no car. Majority of our arguments and breakups are because I can't help her fully. I help her as much as I can but it seems like she wants to be "saved". In these years she's had 2-3 relationships (im sure more) and always comes back to me. One time, She was actually pregnant by a ex and was still contacting me here and there wanting to be "friends" but I was ignoring it until one day she was in the hospital because she lost the baby but in the same day she asked to be back with me..in the hospital..while the baby father was there with her. She was also going through things with her family so as a friend I broke NC and was there for her which was probably a huge mistake.

 

Its tough because shes really hot and the sex was great so she comes over and tells me the guy she was with gave her genital herpes. I was shocked and pissed (wanted to bang) and she kept crying. She goes home and continues to text me I tell her herpes is forever and this all couldve easily been avoided if you would have tried to work things out with me. Time goes on and she finally gets me, I have sex with her with a condom few times didnt feel good about it. Got tested each time and no herps. She wanted to get back together but I just couldn't at the time, I also have other girls but for some reason my ex still had a hold on me. We get into a huge argument and idk, everything I was holding in for years came out I called her alot of names and just cussed her out. very unlike me and she also said this was unlike me and I hurt her. But she's done and said so much mean chit to me I honestly felt numb after saying it. I apologized for it later that week and she was still shocked and hurt. Now she has a new boyfriend but its long distance but they started dating while he was living close. Now I think I am kind of jealous and some days feel like I want her back smh I told her and she just can't give me any answers. She was with me yesterday no sex we just watched tv. I dropped her off and blocked her I am just confused and wondering will she come back (even tho she's came back more times than I can count) this is a strong attachment I can't break. She also has not told the other guy she has a STD and of course they are having sex if they are together.

 

Its getting to the point I may need to get professional help. I mean I have no problem getting girls and even other girls sex is great but I always tend to let my ex back in and it ends up ending whatever I have with other girls.

[DancingFool]

She can't contact you if you block her on absolutely everything. Sorry dude, but this isn't really that complicated.

 

You aren't blocking her because you are enjoying this game and even risking your own health for it. Yeah, you probably do need some counseling to figure out why you are sabotaging yourself and any chance at a healthy relationship. This actually has little to do with this chic. Look closer to home, aka yourself, because if not this wreck of a chic, it will be another. You are choosing it for whatever reason or reasons you need to figure out and get out of your system.

[melancholy123]

You MAY need help? You DO need help. I dont plan to rip you to shreds, but good grief what is wrong with you that you are keeping this nutcase in your life? She clearly is messed up and you cant help her, she needs some professional help and guidance. Please block her every way you can and look for a girl who is not f*cked up. You can do so much better.

[SmooveJ1124]

I have blocked her on everything before to the point she drove past my place a few times and i seen her smh. I must say that my father raised me most of my life while my mother was absent and was on drugs. Her father is in prison and her family is dysfunctional. Idk if that plays a part. Today i dont miss her I have a date tonight AND tomorrow with two different people. Not to brag again but i dont have any problem with women wat so ever but i been thru this so many times that i know if she comes back later i will give in smh.

[SmooveJ1124]

I may also add that I had a crush on this girl since I was a child. I never thought I would have her back then in grade school so that may play a part. But alot of people close to me warned me about her...i didnt listen. I guess im thinkin she will change and that this new guy is going to get the side of her I been working hard for?

 

It got to the point i told her she can move in with me and we can work on improving her life. She still couldnt give me a yes or no. But she is also still blocked. I know this sounds pathetic but i really have no one else to turn to because my friends and family are sick of it. Ive let plenty of good women go due to this situation because i cant feel the connection I have with them that i have with this particular ex.

[DancingFool]

I have blocked her on everything before to the point she drove past my place a few times and i seen her smh. I must say that my father raised me most of my life while my mother was absent and was on drugs. Her father is in prison and her family is dysfunctional. Idk if that plays a part. Today i dont miss her I have a date tonight AND tomorrow with two different people. Not to brag again but i dont have any problem with women wat so ever but i been thru this so many times that i know if she comes back later i will give in smh.

 

This is why you need counseling. You are essentially trying to fix your mom by getting involved with effed up chics. Like I said in my previous post, this isn't about this particular girl. If you don't fix the underlying issues within you, you'll just get involved with another toxic mess trying to "save" her, aka save mom.

 

Btw, getting dates with all kinds of women is not the same as being able to develop a healthy connection and a healthy relationship with a good woman. You aren't capable and you need to address that.

[SmooveJ1124]

This is why you need counseling. You are essentially trying to fix your mom by getting involved with effed up chics. Like I said in my previous post, this isn't about this particular girl. If you don't fix the underlying issues within you, you'll just get involved with another toxic mess trying to "save" her, aka save mom.

 

Btw, getting dates with all kinds of women is not the same as being able to develop a healthy connection and a healthy relationship with a good woman. You aren't capable and you need to address that.

 

Me and my mother are ok now we talk alot but i am one of the few children that she has that she talks to. I have 2 brothers that dont ever want to talk to her again and a 24 year old sister thats in and out of psychological fascilities. I can call her and she will be there for me but as a child it came to a point my father wanted me to just forget her because she was never there. So i understand what you’re saying but me and my mother has talked about all of this and her absents. She even wants me to stay away from this girl.

 

You making great points but i still feel like my ex is my bestfriend and i just dont know. but i know ima end up missing her again. but another half of me want to be married and have kids and have a stable rship with someone new. Thats why i am going on these dates. I just dont know what to do.

[DancingFool]

Me and my mother are ok now we talk alot but i am one of the few children that she has that she talks to. I have 2 brothers that dont ever want to talk to her again and a 24 year old sister thats in and out of psychological fascilities. I can call her and she will be there for me but as a child it came to a point my father wanted me to just forget her because she was never there. So i understand what you’re saying but me and my mother has talked about all of this and her absents. She even wants me to stay away from this girl.

 

You making great points but i still feel like my ex is my bestfriend and i just dont know. but i know ima end up missing her again. but another half of me want to be married and have kids and have a stable rship with someone new. Thats why i am going on these dates. I just dont know what to do.

 

Just because you have a good relationship with your mother now, doesn't mean that your childhood problems aren't affecting you on a subconscious level. You don't have to be crazy or have a mental illness to talk a therapist and get to the bottom of some of these issues so that you CAN have a happy future and a happy marriage with someone who is not a wreck. When you can't bond with healthy women and only person you'll bond with is psycho and you have this kind of a family background.... 2+2=4. Either get yourself sorted or spend your life drifting from one toxic mess to the next. Your choice.

[SmooveJ1124]

Just because you have a good relationship with your mother now, doesn't mean that your childhood problems aren't affecting you on a subconscious level. You don't have to be crazy or have a mental illness to talk a therapist and get to the bottom of some of these issues so that you CAN have a happy future and a happy marriage with someone who is not a wreck. When you can't bond with healthy women and only person you'll bond with is psycho and you have this kind of a family background.... 2+2=4. Either get yourself sorted or spend your life drifting from one toxic mess to the next. Your choice.

 

I hear you. I guess i need to look more into this.

 

But why does she keep coming back to me is what I dont understand. Everytime i think shes gone for good she comes back.

[Pleasedonot5]

Because when she's got no one else to turn to, she knows she'll always have you to fall back on.

 

Because there you are, on the back burner waiting for her, time and time again.

[SweetGirl28]

I may also add that I had a crush on this girl since I was a child. I never thought I would have her back then in grade school so that may play a part. But alot of people close to me warned me about her...i didnt listen. I guess im thinkin she will change and that this new guy is going to get the side of her I been working hard for?

 

It got to the point i told her she can move in with me and we can work on improving her life. She still couldnt give me a yes or no. But she is also still blocked. I know this sounds pathetic but i really have no one else to turn to because my friends and family are sick of it. Ive let plenty of good women go due to this situation because i cant feel the connection I have with them that i have with this particular ex.

 

No. The new guy is going to get exactly what she is, and was to you.

She hasn't changed. The only thing different she has to offer up is an STD.

Why are you risking your health? What if you do get herpes, and she leaves you forever?

You are burdened for all time explaining that you have herpes and need to always have safe sex.

 

And, btw, oral herpes can quickly become genuinely herpes from oral sex, just as genital herpes can be oral herpes from oral sex. I just wrote about this earlier today. A friend of mine and my ex intimately kissed, he had direct contact with

her saliva, his chances of having herpes is highly probable now as she broke out a week later with a massive cold sore.

it has strained the friendship immensely, because she's had herpes since I've known her. She willingly put his and

my health at risk. The thought of him having it and never being able to give me oral sex again without a dental dam was

enough for me to not ever want him back. Of course a simple blood test could determine it, but why bother. He was a player. Just like this girl is. A hot mess. And you are allowing her to control you.

 

Are you telling your other girls that you have sex with that you have sex with an ex who has genital herpes?

That's why anyone with oral herpes should never give unprotected oral sex.

[SweetGirl28]

I hear you. I guess i need to look more into this.

 

But why does she keep coming back to me is what I dont understand. Everytime i think shes gone for good she comes back.

 

Because she's desperate and needy, and you let her!

[reinventmyself]

I agree with counseling. It sounds like your upbringing was challenging and effecting you now as an adult.

But between now and then you need to cut all contact with this girl.

You need to treat is like an addiction. And much like abstaining it gets worse before it gets better.

But you need to ride it out until you get to the other side. Every time you are around her it's much like an alcoholic that takes one drink.

That's all it takes to send you back into an addictive cycle.

[SmooveJ1124]

No. The new guy is going to get exactly what she is, and was to you.

She hasn't changed. The only thing different she has to offer up is an STD.

Why are you risking your health? What if you do get herpes, and she leaves you forever?

You are burdened for all time explaining that you have herpes and need to always have safe sex.

 

yes i thought about that and figured i just used protection until we decide to have a baby or she take the daily meds to reduce the risk. Idk. I guess you risk anything for someone you love and care about to make it work which is stupid i know. The reason i did it and even considered it is because she was honest with me about it before we had sex but shes not honest with this other guy or anybody else shes been with.

[reinventmyself]

The reason i did it and even considered it is because she was honest with me about it before we had sex but shes not honest with this other guy or anybody else shes been with.

 

In some states someone can sue her for assault for not disclosing this.

[SweetGirl28]

yes i thought about that and figured i just used protection until we decide to have a baby or she take the daily meds to reduce the risk. Idk. I guess you risk anything for someone you love and care about to make it work which is stupid i know. The reason i did it and even considered it is because she was honest with me about it before we had sex but shes not honest with this other guy or anybody else shes been with.

 

OMG! Sweetie! Read what you wrote!

 

She was honest with you, but NOT anyone else.

Who knows what she's doing, if she's even having them use protection.

You do realize with herpes, especially with a sore, though there does not need to be one visible,

that she , and therefore you by having sex with her, are prone to other STD's?

Condom use it not 100% protection. Herpes is for life. It can be suppressed, but never cured.

 

Look, as a nurse, I feel absolutely compelled to tell you this----- commit to one another(which is a very bad idea)

and use protection, or let her go! Forever! You are really playing with fire here. You will get burned.

[SmooveJ1124]

I agree with counseling. It sounds like your upbringing was challenging and effecting you now as an adult.

But between now and then you need to cut all contact with this girl.

You need to treat is like an addiction. And much like abstaining it gets worse before it gets better.

But you need to ride it out until you get to the other side. Every time you are around her it's much like an alcoholic that takes one drink.

That's all it takes to send you back into an addictive cycle.

 

I am addicted to her and very attached. I am trying to stay away and stay NC but i been trying this countless times. Idk if i need another strategy or what.

[reinventmyself]

I am addicted to her and very attached. I am trying to stay away and stay NC but i been trying this countless times. Idk if i need another strategy or what.

 

As they say in AA. . one day at a time.

My friend went through something like this and I told her to call me anytime she felt the urge to fold.

Kinda like a sponsor. Do you have a friend or family member to call when you feel like you might do so?

[SmooveJ1124]

OMG! Sweetie! Read what you wrote!

 

She was honest with you, but NOT anyone else.

Who knows what she's doing, if she's even having them use protection.

You do realize with herpes, especially with a sore, though there does not need to be one visible,

that she , and therefore you by having sex with her, are prone to other STD's?

Condom use it not 100% protection. Herpes is for life. It can be suppressed, but never cured.

 

Look, as a nurse, I feel absolutely compelled to tell you this----- commit to one another(which is a very bad idea)

and use protection, or let her go! Forever! You are really playing with fire here. You will get burned.

 

I dont think she is having them use protection because before she caught this and i was dating her she HATED condoms felt like they had no purpose. I know I am playing with fire i know this is not only a crazy girl but also dangerous and careless but like i said ive tried NC i tried to move on i been down this same road before so i came here asking for better help and advice before its too late. I kno i need to be a man and be stronger but this is 3 yrs of manipulation she put on me thats really hard for me to shake.

[SweetGirl28]

I dont think she is having them use protection because before she caught this and i was dating her she HATED condoms felt like they had no purpose. I know I am playing with fire i know this is not only a crazy girl but also dangerous and careless but like i said ive tried NC i tried to move on i been down this same road before so i came here asking for better help and advice before its too late. I kno i need to be a man and be stronger but this is 3 yrs of manipulation she put on me thats really hard for me to shake.

 

Be honest, what is your real attachment to her?

 

Because still having sex with an ex who caught and STD that is not curable and can be

passed to you is serious. That didn't scare you off. So what is it?

 

Don't say she's hot, the sex is amazing. Because believe me, there is always hot sex out there and hot

women. She's not the only one!

 

Dig deep. Don't blame the past, you are in control of your decisions and your future.

It will be what you make it. And people can only do to you what you allow them to do.

For every action, there is a reaction. Choose wisely.

 

I don't even believe you love her, because unless you're a person who believes in open relationships

and not being monogamous, if you loved her, you would be destroyed by the fact she has sex with other guys.

And if she loved you, she would be destroyed by you having sex with other girls.

 

Sex with an ex is always a terrible idea. It prevents you from ever moving forward until one decides

they find someone they want to commit to. Is this what your willing to do?

[SmooveJ1124]

Be honest, what is your real attachment to her?

 

Because still having sex with an ex who caught and STD that is not curable and can be

passed to you is serious. That didn't scare you off. So what is it?

 

Don't say she's hot, the sex is amazing. Because believe me, there is always hot sex out there and hot

women. She's not the only one!

 

Dig deep. Don't blame the past, you are in control of your decisions and your future.

It will be what you make it. And people can only do to you what you allow them to do.

For every action, there is a reaction. Choose wisely.

 

I don't even believe you love her, because unless you're a person who believes in open relationships

and not being monogamous, if you loved her, you would be destroyed by the fact she has sex with other guys.

And if she loved you, she would be destroyed by you having sex with other girls.

 

Sex with an ex is always a terrible idea. It prevents you from ever moving forward until one decides

they find someone they want to commit to. Is this what your willing to do?

 

I use to be highly upset when i knew she was having sex with someone new but that was 2 yrs ago since we broke up. After that its been basically a open rship. And she believes in open rships shes said it before and honestly our rship was her only REAL rship. But as far as wat im attached to..idk..i really dont know what it is. When we were official everything was great for those 7 months idk if im still holding on to that or what. Her catching a STD did hit me hard to the point a couple times she wanted to have sex I couldnt even get a erection because she has herpes. And i think the fact shes got a new guy shes all happy wih now and having sex with im jealous of that hes probably gettin the side of her i been working so hard for and he doesnt have to deal with the thought of her having a STD.

[reinventmyself]

and he doesnt have to deal with the thought of her having a STD.

Well, at least not yet, but it's only a matter of time.

Once he finds out and finds out unfortunately the hard way, the sh*t will hit the fan.

 

Seriously, don't be envious of this guy. Feel sorry for him.

[Pleasedonot5]

I dont think she is having them use protection because before she caught this and i was dating her she HATED condoms felt like they had no purpose. I know I am playing with fire i know this is not only a crazy girl but also dangerous and careless but like i said ive tried NC i tried to move on i been down this same road before so i came here asking for better help and advice before its too late. I kno i need to be a man and be stronger but this is 3 yrs of manipulation she put on me thats really hard for me to shake.

Then stop. The only thing preventing you from remaining in NC is yourself. Stop acting helpless, and just ignore her.

[SmooveJ1124]

I had a great weekend with another girl. But Im starting to really miss her. I wont contact because of my pride but this just sucks.

[DancingFool]

I had a great weekend with another girl. But Im starting to really miss her. I wont contact because of my pride but this just sucks.

 

Withdrawal always sucks. Go do something constructive for yourself. Work, hobbies, hit the gym, get whatever chores you've been ignoring done, call on your friends, go to meetup.com and go do some new fun things, meet new people, make new friends. Get busy so you aren't dwelling on your addiction. Stop telling yourself that you need her or miss her. Look up some therapists and make an appointment and go and talk with them. Air your childhood issues and put them to rest once and for all. Sweeping them under the rug isn't working. Get active for your own sake and well being in different ways. You are in control - remember that.