Dating a highly functional alcoholic

[Shorthaired]

I have realized over time that my boyfriend of a couple of months has a problem with alcohol.

 

Every time we hang out, he drinks a whole bottle of wine and few vodka mixers. The very strange thing is that he doesn't appear drunk and has no hangover the next day.

This also happens when he is by himself. He would often text me at night and mention that he is drinking. When I stay over in the morning, I would often smell alcohol when he kisses me even in early morning (meaning that he probably already had a drink). The only time when I know he is semi-sober is when he is driving and he seems withdrawn and irritable until he is able to have another drink.

 

Having said all that, he has a high powered full time job that he has kept for over a decade, a nice house and plenty of friends. His life is not falling apart. He is also not an aggressive drunk, in fact he is more mellow and affectionate. I have realized that I don't even really know his sober personality since when he is with me, he is drunk 80-90% of the time (without appearing obviously drunk as I said).

 

Is this amount of drinking going to be a problem down the line if I stay with him? He treats me well and I did mention drinking to him but he said that he knows he likes to drink too much but that he has always been like that and it's under control, that he was never bad enough to seek help. Basically he said that he has never missed a day of work or anything else due to drinking so it doesn't impact his life negatively.

[MrAK]

How old is he? You can only maintain that level of drinking for so long before it takes its toll on the health.

[DancingFool]

Have no illusions about it, he is a full blown alcoholic, the bad kind. Driving semi-sober is DRUNK DRIVING, btw.

 

His liver isn't going to take much more of this, especially if he has been drinking as long as he claims. Addiction is a gradual process, however, so he didn't become an alcoholic overnight.

The fact that he gets irritable without it is a huge sign of a serious problem. The fact that he can drink so much and not appear drunk is actually quite typical of an alcoholic who is pretty far down the line of addiction. The fact that he needs to start his day already getting drunk..... I mean come on, don't kid yourself.

 

Bottom line is that yes, he is a full blown alcoholic, yes it's a problem and yes, he will continue to slowly get worse until he no longer can hold down his job and then he will lose everything and then.....well maybe then he will actually finally admit that he has a problem and will actually get treatment....assuming that's even possible. Can't reverse the liver damage.

 

Telling you that his drinking is not an issue.....typical alcoholic still in denial. Unfortunately, you telling him that it's an issue won't fix him. He knows, but he is not ready to admit he has an issue, let alone fix it. Some people will successfully kick the addiction, but more don't. He has to decide he wants to and most alcoholics won't decide that until they are alone and face down in the mud.

[ManyDates]

If you are serious about getting answers ask at soberecovery.com - I'll tell you right now, they are going to say bail - and it'll be former drunks that tell you that.

[Matt3939]

I've seen a lot of this unfortunately. There are people who can do this. I have no idea how but it is definitely possible. I also know this probably will not change and eventually like others have said there bodies will eventually go south. I think it matters to you if you could deal with this willingly.

[Shorthaired]

How old is he? You can only maintain that level of drinking for so long before it takes its toll on the health.

 

Mid 40s. He has recently had a routine physical check up and his liver function tests came back elevated. Doctor immediately asked about drinking and he minimized it. Doctor said that he should not have more than 1-2 standard drinks a day - but he continued to drink the same as ever.

 

I am turned off that he looks bloated and smells of alcohol most of the time

[j.man]

I gotta admit, I had a very "eh, to each his own" mentality until I read "semi-sober" driving. That's drunk driving, or simply "driving under the influence" if you feel that's too hyperbolic.

 

How do you know he's "semi sober" anyhow? Are you seeing him drink before he gets behind the wheel and getting in the car with him? When he texts you saying he's drinking, is he saying he's "drinking" or having a glass of something? How often are you seeing him when he's drinking bottles of wine?

 

Personally, if I'm looking to get gassed, which is often enough, I can very easily clear a bottle of wine in a night. I also generally have a bump or two of whisky after my longer workdays. Right now I'm taking a break from alcohol 'til summer to cut some weight, though.

 

But to answer your question, if he's he's downing bottles of wine and vodka mixers throughout the week, he'll at the very least have an adverse effect on is health. And if he's driving under the influence, he's a danger to far more than just that. Two months in, I wouldn't make a point to police his habits aside from when / if you see him getting in a car inebriated or know he's had some drinks. That's when you call the police to do the policing. Otherwise, chalk up his drinking to an incompatibility if it [understandably] concerns you. Two months in is way too early and limited to be throwing yourself into one-on-one interventions.

[IAmFCA]

He is an alcoholic.

 

That word has become a trigger word -- a word that people associate with a variety of other traits and outcomes.

 

Here is what it is: the alcohol has a physical impact on his health, which impacts cause a deterioration in the vascular system, organs including liver kidney and brain functions, etc. I am not a doctor: this information is widely available on line. Alcohol is sugar and is poison. The body has to clean itself of the poison.

 

When my loved one got cancer, he was largely untreatable because alcohol had so diminished his body's capacity to process the meds - themselves a sort of poison from a biological standpoint.

 

This amount of drinking is a problem. Period.

[Shorthaired]

I gotta admit, I had a very "eh, to each his own" mentality until I read "semi-sober" driving. That's drunk driving, or simply "driving under the influence" if you feel that's too hyperbolic.

 

How do you know he's "semi sober" anyhow? Are you seeing him drink before he gets behind the wheel and getting in the car with him? When he texts you saying he's drinking, is he saying he's "drinking" or having a glass of something? How often are you seeing him when he's drinking bottles of wine?

 

Personally, if I'm looking to get gassed, which is often enough, I can very easily clear a bottle of wine in a night. I also generally have a bump or two of whisky after my longer workdays. Right now I'm taking a break from alcohol 'til summer to cut some weight, though.

 

But to answer your question, if he's he's downing bottles of wine and vodka mixers throughout the week, he'll at the very least have an adverse effect on is health. And if he's driving under the influence, he's a danger to far more than just that. Two months in, I wouldn't make a point to police his habits aside from when / if you see him getting in a car inebriated or know he's had some drinks. That's when you call the police to do the policing. Otherwise, chalk up his drinking to an incompatibility if it [understandably] concerns you. Two months in is way too early and limited to be throwing yourself into one-on-one interventions.

 

I have appeared non judgemental so he is open about it. He clears at least a bottle of wine on daily basis, often more. The driving incidents were when we were driving long distances. I don't have a license (never got it) so I couldn't help with the driving. A couple of hours into a drive, he was really shaky and irritable and asked to stop at a bottle shop. I only let him have beer and paced the amount I was giving him...but it kind of freaked me out. He claimed that he would still be under the limit if tested so it's fine....We were on deserted roads so he drank freely while driving. The roads were straight, wide and empty so the danger was minimal but still...

 

I just don't want to get attached to someone who has a serious alcohol problem. I am unable to tell how serious it is.

[annie24]

if he's having shots in the morning (eyeopeners) and needs a beer to drive (!!!) because he's getting shaky from withdrawing from alcohol, this guy has a problem. I think you should breakup before you get in deep.

[Ms Darcy]

You know, he has enough of a problem for your instincts to be crawling up your butt and eating at your gut.

 

Not worth some dude you've been dating for a couple of months.

 

I'd roll/bounce! (Leave that guy).

[j.man]

I have appeared non judgemental so he is open about it. He clears at least a bottle of wine on daily basis, often more. The driving incidents were when we were driving long distances. I don't have a license (never got it) so I couldn't help with the driving. A couple of hours into a drive, he was really shaky and irritable and asked to stop at a bottle shop. I only let him have beer and paced the amount I was giving him...but it kind of freaked me out. He claimed that he would still be under the limit if tested so it's fine....We were on deserted roads so he drank freely while driving. The roads were straight, wide and empty so the danger was minimal but still...

 

I just don't want to get attached to someone who has a serious alcohol problem. I am unable to tell how serious it is.

Well, while most of the population of the known world would have their driving ability impaired by alcohol, this man uses it as an enhancer. That should tell you a bit about his physical dependence, never mind the psychological. You don't need the results of his liver enzyme tests in front of you to tell it's not looking good and, worse if he's driving, a danger to yourself and others.

 

Again, you know who you're dating, and he is indeed an alcoholic. You're either the type to date an alcoholic or you're not. Just don't get caught up in trying to control him and his habit.

 

And, like I said before, I'm a more regular partaker than most, so I'd probably be the first to suggest he might just be a guy who likes to get loose if I thought it. But I'll tell you I'm not even sure I can justify the couple fingers a night I'll drink during the busy season... I couldn't imagine trying to explain entire bottles of wine.

[melancholy123]

Dancing Fool summed it up very nicely as did others. I had a friend who is an alcoholic. Notice I said HAD. He sounds a lot like your bf so believe me when I say your guy is a drunk. This guy could drink anyone under the table and he'd get rip roaring hammered on a pretty regular basis. Sometimes he was pleasant to be around but more often than not he was an obnoxious rude nasty drunk. In the end I had to back away from our friendship as I couldn't take it anymore. It was too hard to be around him and I dont need people like that in my life.

 

It is my hope he will hit bottom one day and then go join AA and work the program. But I doubt it.

[IAmFCA]

I had - not have, same as in prior post, a friend who is a functioning alcoholic. Highly placed to open an office and manage a team, and in denial. I found, eventually, that if I talk to him after a certain hour, he would become more dramatic, defensive, and maybe argumentative. He can't get it up anymore (he told me) and has stopped dating. He is shaky when he is with his kids. He has a digestion issue. His skin and teeth have deteriorated in the five years we have known each other. I told him to get help. He denied. That was my plea for honesty in our friendship. After that, i ceased contact. Its like watching someone die slowly. Not doing that.

 

My ex was also an alcoholic. Still hale and hardy, he claims to have cut back. I doubt it.

[boltnrun]

Is this the guy who's ex is actively trying to win him back and who is "wishy-washy" with plans?

 

One of my friends drank himself to death at the age of 38. My grandfather was a functioning alcoholic who didn't miss a day of work in over 30 years, yet came home and terrorized his family. He also died of liver failure, alone in a hospital because he'd driven his family away.

 

Never heard of a happy ending for someone like that. Probably too much damage done if he gets the shakes when he doesn't drink.

[Shorthaired]

I had - not have, same as in prior post, a friend who is a functioning alcoholic. Highly placed to open an office and manage a team, and in denial. I found, eventually, that if I talk to him after a certain hour, he would become more dramatic, defensive, and maybe argumentative. He can't get it up anymore (he told me) and has stopped dating. He is shaky when he is with his kids. He has a digestion issue. His skin and teeth have deteriorated in the five years we have known each other. I told him to get help. He denied. That was my plea for honesty in our friendship. After that, i ceased contact. Its like watching someone die slowly. Not doing that.

 

My ex was also an alcoholic. Still hale and hardy, he claims to have cut back. I doubt it.

 

The bolded often happens but he blames it on stress

[KMO7970]

Please, PLEASE reconsider staying in a relationship with this guy. I lived with a high-functioning alcoholic like this for 2 years. The fact that you are here writing about it suggests that it is wearing you down, and it should. The driving thing is the scariest thing, for sure. Also be aware that with people with this issue canNOT be reasoned with. Even if, when sober (although you mentioned you don't know his sober side) they can admit to having a problem, the minute they start drinking, you may as well be talking to a brick wall.

 

This will suck the vitality out of you if you let it. Please look out for your best interests.

[IAmFCA]

The bolded often happens but he blames it on stress

 

Yes my friend blamed it on other things too. Also blamed his deteriorating health on something else. Also thought it preposterous that his exW accused him of alcoholism in the course of their various battles. Everything has a story. The last time i saw him he was at a bar in the afternoon. I was there for a work purpose. He was there with two freinds who are wondering how they will ever make money and improve their situation. Hint: not by hanging out in the bar.

[Wiseman2]

At 2 mos in, it's good you are noticing this. Dating is the time to make note of deal breakers and red flags. In this case, cut your losses while it's still this early on.

 

There is no such thing driving as 'semi-sober'. It's DUI and it's only a matter of time until tickets, arrests, license suspensions, killing innocent kids happens.

 

It sounds like you come from alcoholics so have a blind spot or drink a lot yourself so don't see this as excessive. Of course he's got a party house and party friends, lol.

boyfriend of a couple of months. Every time we hang out, he drinks a whole bottle of wine and few vodka mixers. The only time when I know he is semi-sober is when he is driving I have realized that I don't even really know his sober personality since when he is with me, he is drunk 80-90% of the time

[ChrisKelms]

I was gonna defend this guy since I often have a bottle of wine or even two on a Friday or Saturday night and am probably a high functioning "binge" alcoholic since I love to get drunk on weekends. I also have a strict rule that I don't touch a drop Sunday through Wednesday, very rarely on Thursday unless it's a date or something, and hit the gym all week. Had my liver checked recently and everything was great. Also never have withdrawal symptoms, only mild hangovers.

 

BUT. I'm nowhere close to your guy. Pulling over on a long drive because you have the shakes is not funny, it's serious.

 

I'll leave you with this. My childhood best friend and one of the most endearing, funniest guys I've ever met developed into a full blown, bottle of vodka a day alcoholic but then somehow managed to get a girlfriend pregnant and have a little girl. He and the mother weren't together but he adored his daughter and would take care of her every two weekends. When he had her for the weekend, he refused to drink a drop around her, no matter how bad the shakes got.

 

What neither me nor any of my friends knew was that withdrawal can be fatal. One weekend when he had his daughter, he stopped drinking on Thursday night and picked her up Friday morning. Saturday morning she went into his room to wake daddy up and he was dead from a seizure.

 

Only a hospital can help true alcoholics withdraw.

 

It can and will get worse as his tolerance keeps increasing. Don't get yourself drawn into that.

[Shorthaired]

At 2 mos in, it's good you are noticing this. Dating is the time to make note of deal breakers and red flags. In this case, cut your losses while it's still this early on.

 

There is no such thing driving as 'semi-sober'. It's DUI and it's only a matter of time until tickets, arrests, license suspensions, killing innocent kids happens.

 

It sounds like you come from alcoholics so have a blind spot or drink a lot yourself so don't see this as excessive. Of course he's got a party house and party friends, lol.

 

 

I like to have a few drinks, especially when first dating someone to get over my natural shyness. Usually, I would share a bottle of wine after dinner with a guy and call it a day. I also have 1-2 glasses of wine in the evenings after a stressful day at work. Most days I have nothing though. I do find people that don't drink at all, like refuse even one glass weird. And I find that the word "alcoholic" gets thrown around easily.

 

I remember the first time I was over at his house and he just straight up opened another bottle after we finished the first. And then proceeded to drink most of it himself and then offered to make me vodka cocktails. Then proceeded to make them for himself, with liberally poured vodka. I thought he was just nervous but he was like this every time we were together. Also, the speed at which he would finish a glass of wine....like it was water.

 

I thought it was fine at first because he didn't slur his words or appear drunk at all. He was funny, engaging and affectionate without being over the top. He was also well respected at work. I did think it was gross when I smelled alcohol on his breath the first thing in the morning. It was only during that long drive when I was sure there was a problem. He was so shaky without the alcohol that I felt like I was more in danger if he didn't drink any.

 

I don't plan to talk to him any more about it. It is what it is and I will just walk away.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, cut you losses this early in for so many reasons large and small.

I am turned off that he looks bloated and smells of alcohol most of the time

[ParisPaulette]

Absolutely it's a problem and it will get worse. My father was a "high-functioning alcoholic." In fact, many alcoholics do start out to be very, very high functioning. The ones in the gutter who have lost everything are usually far later on the chain, after the chronic use of alcohol has begun to kill off their higher functioning skills and the addiction gets stronger and stronger to the point they stop trying to function and focus only on their next drink.

 

It took my father the better part of 30 some-odd years of drinking steadily from the time he was a teen until he was in his 40s before the "cracks" began to show. He was a mathematical genius at one time, a human calculator who never needed paper and could come up with the right answer to anything if you just threw numbers at him. He could sing. He had a huge circle of family and friends and later on down the road a string of mistresses. And he wasn't a particular handsome man, but he was charming and funny and just full of life.

 

By the time he got into AA pretty much everyone hated him, he'd lost two high-paying jobs including the one he'd been set to be promoted to VP of and had worked for, for years and his wife and kids were about to disown him. When he ended up suffering a series of small strokes and nearly died that finally, FINALLY, woke him up that perhaps he had drinking problem. And in the meantime he'd drug his family through hell and back. And no, getting sober was not easy. At one point as a teenager I actually begged him to go back to drinking, because just was easier to deal with the zoned out "mellow" mess he was when drunk that the sober not so nice guy hurting for a drink for three flipping years before he could fully conquer his addiction.

 

This is your future. It's not one I'd wish on anyone, no not even Hitler. (Well, maybe that guy, but not many others okay?)

 

You're smart to walk away and not look back.

 

The fact is alcoholics don't get clean and sober until they hit rock bottom. And rock bottom is "I have to do this or I will die and I don't want to be in the gutter homeless" kind of a deal.

 

Sticking around for that ride is not a whole lot of fun and really, if more alcoholics lost people to their drinking even when they were "okay" I think more of them would quit drinking sooner. That was the case with my father, who told himself for years it was all okay, because look at everything he had. Surely a person with a drinking problem wouldn't...fill in the blank. But he still stole from his company to pay for alcohol, he still messed everyone up around him big time, he still did things like get so drunk he left my little brother to walk home ten miles in the rain from a baseball game he was supposed to pick him up from. And that is only me telling you the surface of how bad it was. And no, my father wasn't a mean drunk or aggressive although later on down the road he got verbally very nasty whenever he was hung over.

 

So this is your future. From someone who has been there. My father did finally get clean and rebuild his life, but the singing and the mathematics abilities along with some of his fine motor skills and his ability to stay slim and not have health problems? Yeah, none of that ever came back. He ended up taking hard labor jobs in his later years, because he no longer had the brain functions to have anything else, but that. So I cannot emphasize enough, this is the future you're looking at. If this guy is so drunk all the time you don't know him sober then yeah, he's already there. The alcohol just hasn't destroyed his physical body and spirit enough yet for the larger cracks to show. And they will.

[seanryder]

Unless you are looking for sainthood I would suggest running for the hills. Actually the very act of breaking up with him I'm sure will give you a better warning than anything I could ever say. Make this situation a footnote in your life, not the entire text.

 

Good luck.

[sotiredofit]

I did this for 4 years, off and on. Total waste of time. I lost valuable time being codependent when I could've been with someone healthy.

 

It DID get me into al-anon, though, which was really helpful. I learned a lot about myself through it.