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Diddy323

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Apprentice

Apprentice (3/14)

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  1. Today was Day 22. Then she IM'ed me. She doesn't show up on my buddy list anymore so I had assumed she blocked me, as she did with everything else. I had a joke up, she took it seriously (talking about quitting school) and im'ed me about it. Said something like "I thought you were smarter than that". More than anything I wanted to say "I think the same thing about you all the time". But I didn't, I simply said "OK" and stopped talking to her. I'm not sure if I said too much, too little or did the right thing. But I was not happy about breaking NC at all. The fact that she's pretending she cares about what's going on in my life upsets me since she willingly pulled herself out of it.
  2. I'm dreading next week because I'm going to start seeing you everyday again. I have so many things I want to say to you, but I don't want to you talk to you. The thought of seeing you makes me break down, I am so terrified of what will happen when you're actually in front of me. I don't know how we got here and I wish I could just go back 3 months and say yes when you invited me out that night. Instead I let you have time with your girlfriends and of course you met someone whom you have since left me for. I already see you all day in my head, I don't want to see you in the flesh. I haven't talked to you in 3 weeks. I've had your number up to call at least 20 times, I've had at least 100 text messages typed out waiting to be sent. But I've been strong enough not to call or send them. I don't know if I want you back or want every memory of you gone. What I don't want is to be the wreck that I was 3 weeks ago, which is what I'm afraid I'll turn into when I see you again. I know you will pretend to be friendly and you'll come say "Hi", I hope I can say it back and walk away. I don't want to say everything I've been thinking, I don't want to give you that satisfaction.
  3. 2 weeks today. I set a goal for myself of a month thinking I'd never make it that long right away. I don't feel any better about it than I did when I started, I don't expect to make it another 17 days, but I'm still hopeful.
  4. That's kind of what I figured. I know there is a censor that will edit things for you anyways. If you're offended by the language wouldn't it be easier to just turn on the censor? I really think it's a lot less therapeutic when you have to temper down what you want to say. I have friends that don't swear, but they will listen to me swear if it makes me feel better. p.s. I would post here with what I want to say to her, but I don't think I would get 3 or 4 words in before I broke the "watch your language" barrier.
  5. Can I ask why the language needs to be watched? I notice this as a theme throughout these forums. Why is it so bad if someone drops an f-bomb here and there or calls their significant other the c-word? I feel like censoring what we want to say restricts a lot of emotion from really getting out. But I may be in the minority here.
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