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tylerdurden

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  1. Well, sit down with her, and make a plan. Sit down and ask yourselves what you want out of this relationship. If you both decide that in the future you do want to be together and try to pursue this on a new level, then so be it. If that's the case, make a plan to make that happen. ie: Look at some of the same colleges, whatever, and you may end up together that way. However if you don't have a plan, or if your plans are different, it is always best to go your separate ways. All you can do at this point is find out what each of you want out of a relationship and form a plan around that which you will both be able to committ to.
  2. Worst advice ever. Do not ever give up a good opportunity at a university to go to another school for someone else. What if something happens with the relationship and that was the only reason you transferred? You'll never forgive yourself. I have seen this happen to people very close to me before. I'm currently in college and in a long-distance relationship, and my policy is go to whatever college is best for YOU. I've made it clear to my girlfriend that I will not transfer because this is a better school for me, and I would be very upset if she came down to my school just because of me. If she decided this was a better school for her, then fine, but other than that, no. Do NOT transfer schools if you can't be happy without her at the new school. Make sure you have other reasons for doing something that will undoubtedly have a huge effect on your future. -td
  3. Alright, Rob. I'm going to let you in on something that you will find out sooner or later. You probably don't believe it now, and maybe it's something you have to experience to believe. I'm not going to sugar coat things. This may or may not be how it is, but you need to expect the worst in order to demonstrate independence from her. "Let's just be friends" = "I want someone else" Whether that someone else is an actual person or is her theoretical idea of a guy that she wants to get with is beside the point. She tells you that she just wants to be friends because she wants to get her boyfriend benefits from someone else (at least for now). The fact that she said you may have a chance getting back together in the future suggests two things to me. 1) Either this person she's after isn't a sure thing and she may want to come back to you, or 2) The person she's after is still an idea more than someone in her life. The point is, she thinks she has control over you, and can go do whatever she wants for 6 months to a year (or forever), as you wait for her. Life is too short for that. My response to the one-sided "Let's just be friends" is "No thanks, I've got enough friends." Why? Because 95% of the time "Let's just be friends" when only 1 party in a relationship wants it is a manipulation technique. Instead, I would show independence, and make it clear that you will get on with your life. All I can say is be careful, Rob. Maybe things will work out between you two, maybe not. For now I would say be independent, stay busy, and don't be surprised by anything.
  4. You can't answer that question until it happens. If you two were both ready for it and are mature enough to handle the situation, then no, things will not get weird. Things will only get better and more loving between the two. If you were not ready, things will get weird, and you may regret the decision. If you both have doubts, do not rush things. Make sure you're both ready for it as best you can be.
  5. I'm Catholic and there is no premarital sexual expression at all allowed. Broke all the rules pretty much. It's something you've got to find out for yourself, what your beliefs are, what values you have, what you think is right, what is best in your heart. And then follow that. Personally I have spent countless hours with the issue, and have debated with theology professors left and right. Not just for the sake of argument, but to find the truth. I do consider myself relgious, and I pray on a regular basis, I just felt the Catholic church is wrong on this one. I had a theology class last semester that dedicated a month to this topic. I think there were 30 guys in the class. Before we started the discussion, the split was about half and half as far as who agreed with the church and who disagreed with it. I was one who disagreed, and I presented my case for the next month. By the end of the course, not a single person in my class agreed with the church, and the professor had backed off, seeing as all of his arguments for the church's side were utterly shredded in front of 30 impressionable young people. I could go into the arguments but it would take hours upon hours to type into this message. If someone wants to present some arguments for the catholic church though, I would be happy to briefly challenge them next time I check this forum, which would be kinda fun. I'm still looking for someone to present a solid argument and change my mind, but as of now it hasn't happened. Think about it, research it, pray about it, figure out what is best for YOU. -td
  6. The following post is lengthy and is not sugar coated. However, it will prove to be useful if you want her back. First, you have to understand the situation and what could be going through her head. Keep in mind that I don't know her personality so you may be able to narrow this down more concisely than I - these are just the most likely scenarios. There are a couple possibilities here. One possibility for you is that she has no interest in continuing a relationship with you - in which case there is nothing you can do to change the situation. Once you are in "let's just be friends" land, there is nothing you can do, and it's time to move on. However, given the situation, that does not sound like this is the case. It sounds more like one of the following: a) She knows how madly in love with her you are and she assumes you will be there for her even if she's off doing her own thing (which may or may not include getting with other guys, which seems a relatively frequent motivation), or b) she is confused and does not know if your relationship is worth the sacrifices a long distance relationship will require. If either of these are the case, you can get her back. However, you are going to have to change a lot of your thoughts about the relationship and start doing some things differently. Katana had a very good start on what you need to do. I'll elaborate and give you some more examples. The entire premise of how you get her back is to give her a sense that she is not in complete control of the relationship - you are independent and if she chooses to continue down the LJBF road, you will move on with your life, keep up with school, be happy, find another woman, etc, and you won't skip a beat (even if this is not the truth). Basically, if you give her a taste of what it's like to lose you (and demonstrate that you are capable at a moment's notice of doing so), then she will desperately try and prevent this. It sounds to me like, even though she has "broken up" with you, you are still giving her many of the benefits of being with you. For example, when she is having a tough time with things, you sit there and listen to her for 2 hours. You're used to doing this kind of thing, as you were committed to each other, but you need to distance yourself from this type of interaction unless she re-commits to you. The reason is this: If you keep listening to her all the time, and always seem to make time for her even though she's not committed to you, she will think she's got you wrapped around her finger. At this point you have become "clingy", which is a very detrimental thing in these situations (incidentally this is also the case early on in relationships). Instead of listening to her unload all of her problems on you for 2 hours, listen and be nice about it for 15 or 20 minutes and then cut it short - tell her you have other committments (whatever they may be, class, a meeting, a dinner date that was made a week ago with a group of friends - whatever, make one up if you have to. Be sure you demonstrate that you are already getting on with your life). Doing this will set up a contrast in her mind: "When I was his girlfriend, he would listen to me for hours, no matter what meetings he had.. and that made me happy.. but now that I broke up with him, he seems to be busy with other things.." Now she begins to realize that if she wants these things from you, she needs to be committed to you. If you do not take this step, you are, in effect, "whipped", and have lost control to her. She can now do what she wants and probably won't think twice about it. Start to cut her off from many of the things that defined your relationship in it's serious stages. For example, maybe you txt messaged her before she went to bed some nights: "love you baby, sweet dreams, xoxox".. Don't say "I love you" anymore if she doesn't, even if you still do. Don't be doing that kind of thing if she "broke up" with you. She will begin to miss these little things and will begin to learn what life would be like without you - and if you've done anything right in the past 18 months, she will begin to want those things back. But, again, this step will not be effective unless you demonstrate that you are willing to move on and she may very well lose these things forever. It all goes back to the premise that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. So let her know what it's like for it to be gone. A couple other things. In your post, you said: "I'm going to want it to be the same, and try to be sappy and romantic and try to be emotionally close with her, but I fear it will just hurt the situation more." DON'T. Avoid this at all costs. Do not let things be the same. You went out with her for 18 months, so there are undoubtedly things she loves about you and there are things you do that make her feel great emotionally and mentally. Don't let her have these things if she doesn't committ to you. It's a mutual relationship - do not give unless she is willing to do the same. Don't be sappy, don't be romantic, don't be emotionally close. That's what would put her in control and that's what will make you seem clingy. Instead, distance yourself. Treat her more like an acquantaince than a girlfriend and she will begin to see what life would be like without you. Many people make a mistake here though. Do NOT be impolite, condescending, or rude to her by any means. Be nice and be polite, but do so as if you had known her for a week. Do not do so as if you were committed to each other - because you're NOT. You also said: "Should I keep trying to get back with her even though she just wants me to stop?" You want her back? Then don't try and get back with her. If you TRY and get back with her and continue on the route you are on, you have very little chance of getting her back. Instead, distance yourself, show off your independence and self-confidence and demonstrate that you CAN and WILL get on with your life - with our without her. At any rate - whatever you decide to do, I know the situation is not easy. Whatever course of action you decide to take, I wish you the best of luck. -td
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