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chewy21

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About chewy21

  • Birthday 01/24/1983

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  1. Really sucks not being able to talk to you. The nights are the worst. Going from living in our awesome, comfy house to this tiny, cold one-bedroom apartment is driving me insane. I'm lonely. I feel like no one cares about me now. I don't know what to do with all this time. I used to spend it either with you or knowing you were close-by so that I could see you. Granted, our interactions toward the end weren't usually positive, but at least you were there and cared enough to argue. I miss you. I miss JoJo, the god of mischief. I miss How Heavy Are The Dumbbells That You Lift while sitting on the couch and getting amped to exercise at 10PM. I miss rubbing your feet and covering you with blankets. Most of all, I miss being able to think about something other than you, because you're it lately.
  2. Almost a year and a half since I wrote to you. A little pathetic that I'm revisiting this exercise almost a year and a half after I stopped, but I suppose the holidays this year are bringing you to mind. I don't really know what to say. I still miss you sometimes, but I can never quite tell if it's really you that I miss or if I just miss the intimacy that came with our relationship. I don't have a refuge anymore, but I also don't have the burden of having someone to please or worry about or keep happy in my decision making. I don't have to worry if visiting my family is going to make you freak out and wanna leave, or just cause me to travel alone, worrying the whole time that you might somehow resent me for going. It's nice, but it's not at the same time. Would you even appreciate anything I'm saying here? Probably not. You've moved on, made a new life for yourself. You gave a guy you'd known for (maybe) a year something you denied me after three: marriage. A promise to stay together forever, when you can't possibly be sure you'll keep that promise. You're still broken. You still need to work on you. But, in all honesty, I still hope that he's able to give you what you need. I hope you're not just masking it all or pushing it aside to make your life the fairy tale you want it to be. Because if that's the case, it will end up very different than you'd like it to. You'll just get to that point one day and shut down, like you did with me. And it'll be horrible for him to lose everything, even though it wasn't his fault and he tried his hardest to accommodate you. It's a cliche, but it's true: you can't really love someone else until you love yourself. I hope you love yourself, because even without the depression, your guilt over what you did to me may still be dragging along behind you. And, though I wish it weren't so, I can't say I don't wish that on you. You completely destroyed my life. Driving home from Nac tonight, I just started examining everything, and it's like I'm living in an alternate universe. This strange timeline, some weird "what if" that I would never have guessed would be the case two years ago, has me driving to my mom's house in Greg's truck the week before christmas. I'm not excited about the gift I'm getting you. I'm not trying to schedule a trip to Buna and Orange to see your family while working in trips to go see mine as well. I'm not worried about getting off work at Staples to see these plans through. I'm not sharing a bed with my love, huddling together to fight the cold not because we have to, but because we turned off the heat and wanted an excuse to cuddle. No, I'm typing on a state of the art computer that my job afforded me, sitting on the end of a twin bed in a trailer house in the middle of nowhere, typing to the memory of someone I have every right to hate. And I'm not insulting you... of course not. I'm opening up to you the same way I always did. What have I learned? Well, I learned that even though it ended, I truly loved you as much as I'm capable of loving another person. There's not a person alive, family or otherwise, that could have put me through what you did and still have me wish them well. Anyone else would have earned my undying hatred and wrath for the rest of my days. But not you. You were far too precious to me for any of that. The worst I can do is my lack of care and communication. I can't bring myself to hate you, or even to hope your new marriage fails. Sure, outwardly I'd be boisterous about it to my friends, because that's what someone does when they're cast aside for someone else. They gloat when it doesn't work out. And outwardly, I would. Inwardly, though, I'd feel bad for you, and I'd hope that your life would rebound afterward. That's how I know I loved you. And if I were still in love with you, I'd not only wish those things, I'd actively be trying to make them happen for you. But, like I said, my lack of desire to help you is the worst thing I can bring myself to do to your memory. So, I'll end this now. Who knows when I'll get the urge to write you again? I don't. You seem to enter and exit my thoughts on a pretty sporadic basis. I'm not sure that this time won't be the last, but just in case it is, here are three thoughts I'll leave you with: **** you for what you did to me. Thank you for your love and our time together. I sincerely hope your life continues to get better. Eternally, Chewy
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