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lavenderdove
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lavenderdove last won the day on February 24 2014
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>> but being a house wife isn't an acceptable career choice for a woman anymore. I feel really stuck and lost in this world of career go getting women. I feel really guilty that I'm not like that as well. Actually i think there is absolutely nothing wrong with that if both husband and wife agree to it and can afford it and are happy with it. But I do believe that if you are in that role, it is vulnerable from the standpoint if you have no career, you need to make sure that your husband is very well insured such that if he dies unexpectedly and before you are able to get retirement income from his pension/govt. assitance, that the insurance pays out enough money to pay off the house and carry you until you are able to find a career. And the reality is that many couples are totally besotted and in love when they marry, but more then 50% eventually divorce for any number of reasons, so it is also not the best idea to have no career to fall back on if you get left in middle age by your husband. So my concern isn't that you can't be a happy person working part time and focusing on your marriage, but that you are already expressing feelings that you're in the doldrums and are having a bit of a let down about your life after devoting yourself intensely to wedding planning and now you've lost focus because you're just in a boring part time office job and not enough to do to keep your mind engaged. If you are artistic by nature, there are lots of careers that you could follow. For example, you could study dancing (legit. dancing, not stripping) and get a teaching degree at the same time, and teach dancing to kids or older people (dancing, not stripping). Or get a degree or training that allows you to work as a personal trainer. Or express your artistic side in other ways. Study art history and work in an art gallery around other artistic types. You are actually in a wonderful position if your husband is willing to support you and allow you the time and money to re-invent your life into a career that is both fulfilling and provides more money than a boring office job. re: the 'seductive velvet underground,' i know it is obviously appealing to you know and you have had some success there which makes you feel good. However, your success in that industry is based on being youthful, and it could be demoralizing and depressing for you when you will no longer get the approval from men because you're seen as too old to appeal to the clientele (and 'old' there is 30+) when younger/newer girls come onto the scene. So if you are still young enough to do it and find it exciting and lucrative, then nothing wrong with pursuing it as long as it is a 'safe' profession for you and you don't fall into the criminal element and worsening drug use or hooking on the side as many of the girls who get into that profession do. And would your husband approve of a switch back into the profession? That would need to be a consideration of course. So my suggestion is that although you find that velvet underground seductive, it is a very limited time option, and it won't be nearly as fun when the approval stops coming, which it will because the appeal to men in stripping is heavily based on your looks and youth. You may have great talent, but nobody really wants an old stripper and many people find them pathetic and the applause could switch to cat-calls when you go onstage. So your short term goals might be earning money thru stripping, but your long term goals need to focus on getting some kind of career now that will support you in 5+ years when you have to leave stripping. Unless of course you do believe you'll be content to be a housewife and have other 'little' jobs like the one you have now. There is nothing wrong at all with that if you and your husband are happy with that, but i suspect you will get very bored and need to find some long-term goals rather than just daydreaming.
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>>Deep down, I do expect it. I expect it to happen. I don't know how it's going to happen, or when or why. Just like all things in life, surprises are nice… well, the good ones anyway. You know, I've achieved a lot in my life, and most of my hopes/goals so far. But i don't do it by expecting the universe to just hand it to me. I am no more deserving of having something handed to me than someone else. Sometimes you get handed good things, and sometimes bad things happen, but the MOST good things will happen if you realize you make plans, set goals, and you might have to work for them. So you want a nice house and to have a lot of money. What can you do NOW to break your life into small goals that will get you there? For example, you talk about wanting to be a stripper/dancer. How about instead of that (which is a short term career and will 'expire' by the time you're 30), you instead use your spare time to go back to school and get a career that you know will pay off in 5 or 10 years and let you and your husband buy that nice house? Or return to stripping for only one year, saving every dime so that you can support yourself long enough in school to get a really well paying career that will pay you for life. There are so many ways to go to school these days where you can work and go to school, and frequently totally online so you don't even have to attend classes, but can study on your lunch hour and anytime you have a free moment, rather than sitting at home just daydreaming and waiting for your husband to come home. I think this is a wonderful time in your life (being a newlywed), but you will get bored and dissatisfied very quickly if you don't start setting reasonable goals (small goals that will lead to bigger goals like getting your house) and using your time wisely. Because the reality is that MANY people dream of things that will never happen for them if they don't set themselves on the right path to setting goals and meeting goals that will take them closer to the larger end goals. i think it makes you feel special to remember you dreamed of a Prince Charming and got one, and you think that must be some evidence that all your other wishes will come true, but honestly, 95% of the population meets their Prince/Princess Charming and marries them, so it doesn't reflect any special power that you have to attract a husband in a special way. Only 5% of the population doesn't eventually marry, and most of them because they don't want to. Success is about 'doing' special and not just 'feeling' special. How about you spend some time working on a budget, determining how much money you'll need to buy that house, looking a careers and schools that will be able to pay you well for a lifetime rather than just for a few more years as a stripper. That will be a more sure road to success than just assuming you'll be rich because you dream about it and want to be.
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>>The Judge offered to pay both mine and my sister tuition fees but my dad refused to 'be in his pocket'. It's not too late to get a good education and career and you're an adult, so why not accept that offer from your uncle? Doesn't matter what your father says.
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There may be a public face to grief that is handled in funerals and memorials etc., but grief itself is such a private and personal journey and everyone handles it differently. It can be such an intense blow that the grieving person literally has nothing left to give anyone else because they are so consumed with the pain of their grief. And it is very common for people to either cling to others and obsess about the loss and want to go over and over it wtih those around them, or the reverse, to take the 'wounded animal' approach where they just turn inward and want to go off and lick their wounds alone until they feel better. So you need to try to be sensitive to what she feels like she needs here. Offer to be there for her, but don't push or demand that she be there for you while he is going thru grief. Grief takes its own time, and he will eventually come out of it, but your chances are better if you try to not demand she be/act any different than she what she feels she can handle right now.
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Getting back together really does happen!
lavenderdove replied to wishingonastar's topic in Getting Back Together
^^ Brownstone, you 'police' these getting back together threads and insidiously attack the credibility of anyone else who tells someone that maybe they should focus on healing rather than waste a lot of their lives hanging onto what most likely is false hope for someone who has moved on. So far on this thread you have implied i am uneducated and need a statistics course, and now you're are implying i am one of those 'least impressive critical thinkers' who went to graduate school because i told you i WAS very educated. Neither of those comments is relevant at all to this thread and an attempt to discredit my opinion. The point is everyone is entitled to their opinion and to give advice, and you should be focusing on giving your opinion and not trying to to perform thinly veiled attacks on the characters or opinions of people who disagree with you by implying they are stupid or don't know what they're talking about. You're entitled to your opinion and so am i. i think you are extremely defensive and resistent to the idea that your own ex (and other people's exes) may not come back, because you've been on this board now for at least 18 months carrying the flame for your ex to come back. That is perfecly OK and your choice, but perhaps not all people are well served by being encouraged to carry the flame for their ex for years, nor should you denigrate other posters when they differ in opinion from yours. Just state your opinion and don't do these ad hominem type attacks on other people giving their opinion that maybe the focus should be on healing rather than carrying the torch. Each is a valid position to take, and some people need to hear it, and do benefit from that.- 2,465 replies
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Getting back together really does happen!
lavenderdove replied to wishingonastar's topic in Getting Back Together
>>Anyone who makes that comparison needs to take a statistics class. Actually Brownstone, I am extremely well educated and you are missing the point here. Many people who are obsessed with an ex will scour the bushes looking for cases of people getting back together to feed their fantasies/hopes, then say to themselves AHA! It could happen to me! It WILL happen to me because all these nice stories make me feel good and like i have a good chance of getting back together. All i need to do is wait and it will happen. Just because SOME people get back together doesn't mean that the individual in question WILL get back together, and i recommended that people very carefully consider their own circumstances and not live on false hopes. They can certainly as adults make the choice to wait a while to see if the person will take them back, but when that pursuit becomes a holy grail and the person refuses to accept that there is any other possibility for themselves other than getting back together, they are wasting/wrecking their own lives. There are POSSIBILITIES and then there are PROBABILITES based on the individual's own circumstances. I've seen people waste YEARS assuming/hoping an ex will come back, when the ex has told them many times they're not interested, they want something different for themselves, they don't love the person anymore, they have someone else etc. So if someone is in that position, then the probability of it happening is small, and the person is wasting their time. However, if it is a very recent breakup, both people broke up quickly without really talking about it or making a reasoned decision, there were some really extentuating circumstances causing the breakup, yet both still love each other, then yes, there is a good probability they might get back together and live happily every after. The point i am making is just beause you have a lottery ticket in your hand doesn't mean you'll win it. Many people who have been dumped have such a HUGE emotional investment in the idea they MUST win this person back, that they can truly do desperate things in an attempt to get them back, just like a person who really needs money will spend their last food dollar on the lottery or gambling trying to hit it big. You have to weigh your options, your probabilities, evaluate the situation carefully, status the other person etc. etc. Just reading a cute story about how someone got back together doesn't mean that the individual should waste their life carrying a torch for someone long gone. Only after they have truly accepted the situation (and that the other person may or may not come back) can they realistically analyze the cost/benefit of waiting around expecting to get back together.- 2,465 replies
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Getting back together really does happen!
lavenderdove replied to wishingonastar's topic in Getting Back Together
Sure, people get back together all the time, but other people also win the lottery all the time, or get struck by lightning or.... I think it is great to hear about people who happily reconcile, but you need to carefully evaluate your own personal circumstances and what the other person is doing and how they are behaving rather than just blindly carrying a torch waiting to get back together, when the odds are probably against you. Sometimes breakups can bring about positive changes in the individual that lead to a better relationship in future, but more often, people break up because the relationship isn't working for a least the dumper, and they don't come back, or they come back for a while and leave yet again because the original situation (their incompatability) never changed. So hope and desire alone won't bring a person back, and one shouldn't waste large portions of your life tortured and waiting for someone to come back. There is a point in time when a normal desire to have someone back after being dumped converts into an unhealthy obsession, where the person just can't let go of someone who is long gone. So keep your eyes wide open and assessing reality rather than slipping too deeply into chasing the idea that YOU will get back together just because you can dredge up a story of someone else who has.- 2,465 replies
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