Tired Tiger

So... if you like interesting stories about this topic, here's a month worth of reading that will probably induce plenty of dropped jaws: link removed I was a paid member there many years ago, and know some of those people personally. This is for all those who wonder if their ex will remember them. These stories are after 20, 30, 40 and more years apart. No, not all successful - but very enlightening all in all. Enjoy.

That's the spirit! Ok. Er... ...wait... ...too late. Man, oh man... now what? Maybe I should just dump her, because, you know, it couldn't possibly ever work out. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow! That'll show her!

Yeah, the nerve of some people... posting reconciliation stories and experiences on a getting back together forum. Who do they think they are? Outrageous.

Hi kvb, I should note that I'm not particularly comfortable with labels, thus why I usually put some sort of quotation marks around things like "LC" and "NC". Semantics aside, we really didn't attach any conditions to anything after the break up. I think we both understood that emotions ran high and didn't want to jump to define any boundaries beyond the physical separation for a while. The concept of "NC" had been raised early on, but the concensus between us was that it seemed drastic and unnecessary, being that we still had the ability to talk honestly and keep the extreme emotions in check. Never was the word 'friends' mentioned. If anything, it was more like limbo. I left the majority of the initiating of contact up to her, and she did. There were a couple segments of quiet (3 weeks and 4 weeks), but it was never announced or wrapped up in conditions. It was as simple as my respecting her boundaries and being patient. When we did communicate, I consciously tried to listen to the best of my ability. By doing this, I was able to learn and understand what was happenning to a far greater degree than just what was said during the initial break up. This knowledge was invaluable. As for your question about friends... I'm going to say this is a bad idea, at least as a means to attempt reconciliation. You won't be able to decide about a platonic friendship for a very long time, should that be where things end up. As long as one or the other has emotions even vaguely related to the romantic relationship, the attempted friendship will be out of balance. I wouldn't even try and think that far down the road. Right now, you should focus your energies on your own composure and emotional stability. The stronger you become, the better your chances for happiness - be it with the ex or with someone else when the time comes.

And as if truth isn't stranger than fiction: Not only was I once a paid member of that site, it's how ex-ex and I originally met! We had both had 'situations' of people from the past reappearing - hers after like 15 years, mine after 23. Somehow we managed to find each other through all that, and the rest is history! That site actually was supplanted by many of the old-timers with another 'invite only' hidden site (still focused on the "lost love" phenomenon). Hundreds of members, all dealing with the reappearance of - or lingering feeling for - loves from their past... anywhere from 15 to over 50 years later. It's actually a whole subculture of it's own. As with anything else, they don't all have happy endings (some are actually quite destructive), but I know of more than a few who actually married after 20 - 30 - 40 years apart. Not something I'd recommend waiting for, though.

Gotta love this thread (most of it, anyway). A drop of positivity in a sea of bitterness. In the course of my own journey, I sought out as many real world stories as possible (friends, family, etc). The common factor, other than the debatable NC concept, seems to be a positive mental attitude. Those who reunited and went on to an even better relationship than they had originally, let go of the resentments in order to work things out and practice true forgiveness. Never have I heard of a successful story being the result of cutting someone off and demanding that they only return if they're prepared to beg and crawl. Where do people get this stuff? The other important thing to note is that these things take time. Lots of time. Patience is key. The stories that I looked into ranged from 3 months to 25 years, with the average being 6 months to 2 years. These aren't scientific numbers, by any means, but I think it's safe to say that it ain't gonna happen in a month. You really wouldn't want it to, as that's simply not enough time for meaningful change. Gather up your patience and use your time wisely by focusing on your own self improvement. I joined ENA last March in the aftermath of what seemed a sudden and shocking break up. At six months and a day, after various incarnations of 'LC', we turned the corner toward working things out. In hindsight, I'm actually pleasantly surprised that it happened that quickly. Today, we're still sorting out a few logistical things, but we're happier and more in sync than we've ever been.

Not so sure you'd be willing to accept constructive criticism, but... While you're not shy in expressing your resentment for her over the break up, have you considered your role in all of this? How long would you expect any woman to stay in a situation with commitment issues or... "no guarantees"? Do you think she's uniquely evil in this respect, and are you expecting your next relationship to turn out any differently without addressing this aspect of yourself?

No need to get all hyper, b. !!! What? You know, typing things in all caps doesn't make them true. I prefer to think of myself as sardonic over smart ass, but eh... whatever. As I'd mentioned earlier, I recognize your good intentions and enthusiastic spirit. However, as one of the few who remains here after successfully reconciling, I'd like to think my opinion may occasionally count for something. And I stand by the opinion that while "NC" is a healing thing (at least we can somewhat agree on that), it's but one small concept among many that's required to "Get Back Together". Additionally, this 'kick them to the curb' mentality is simply ludicrous. Let me ask you this... if you're so secure in your decision to move on, and so convinced of the improbability of reunions ever taking place, then why do you hang around a reconciliation forum? To spread sunshine? !

Even *if* there were referenced cites for legitimate academic/scientific (preferably peer reviewed) studies, I'm not so sure why stats from such a study would matter to such a broad range of circumstances and demographics on a board like this. But hey... stats are fun, aren't they? I wonder what the percentage of success in reconciliation is within participants of this "No Contact Challenge"? Ohh... here's one - of those who have reconciled on this board, how many did so by exercising hard core, indefinite "NC", and only getting back together after their ex crawled back groveling? Hmm. Nice. And in your extensive experience, this is what you find to be sound advice to give in a "Getting Back Together" forum? Good luck with that.

bitebenot, While I recognize your good intentions and admire your enthusiasm, I cringe at this use of 'statistics' (lack of reference cite not withstanding), as if any such numbers would imply anything to all the different situations anyway. As one of the "lottery winners", I can assure you that getting back together has absolutely nothing to do with luck, nor do any hypothetical stats reflecting what happened to other people. 'NC' is a valid and even necessary approach for many situations after a breakup, and I would go so far as to suggest this thread be stickied... in the Healing forum. In this forum? I believe NC to be but one of many concepts to be used in specific situations, but absolutely not as the exclusive and mandatory strategy for reconciliation. But, I digress. No offense to those in NC. I've been there and empathize.

Can you cite a reference for these "statistics"?