Greggie

Not originally written to be prose or poetry, but merely catharsis and with the naive notion that I should be so brave as to give it, but I suppose most prose and poetry is written for this purpose so I will post it here instead. For my love, wherever you are: "Dear J, Something I've come to learn in my 24 years of existence is that meeting people you truly connect and click with is a rarity, and that as such, when such a strike of lightning occurs, it should be appreciated and savored as the commodity it is. Life is random – in fact, the mere fact that we even exist is random – but sometimes a thousand little coincidences align themselves just right and something wonderful happens. A moment's decision to wait for a bus rather than accept a ride leads to a chance meeting with someone truly special. There is a quote from a movie, an old black-and-white French film called “Madame de...” which I saw at the British Film Institute in London once, which says, “The most interesting thing about coincidences is that they are natural”. Well, you, J, are a lovely coincidence, and while our meeting was never part of a pre-ordained narrative as designed by an omnipotent spaceman, that doesn't make it any less serendipitous or meaningful; if anything, it makes it more. A long time ago I made a policy for myself that if I ever thought something good about someone, I should make sure to tell them. Compliments are worth a million dollars and more, and – while for the most part I think I have been good at giving them to you– let me just ensure I have told you all the things about you which are wonderful and which I admire, while I still have the chance to say them. J … you are intelligent, philosophical, deep, and stimulating, and I can think of no greater fun (well okay, *one* thing...) than to have a conversation with you! You are completely unpretentious, an adventurer, you are passionate and present, and you do something a great many people don't – you *live* life. Moreover … you are absolutely beautiful. I am attracted to you on every level – intellectually, emotionally, physically, sexually. Now that you are leaving, I will miss talking with you so much, and my God, I will miss ****ing you. You once told me that happiness happens arbitrarily – it cannot be planned. I agree, happiness is incidental. It can happen when you least expect and for a reason so simple as a beam of sunlight hitting you in just the right way, and sometimes, for no reason at all really, happiness just washes over you. Like I said, incidental. But not always. Sometimes, happiness is anything but arbitrary, and this is the kind of happiness I have felt with you. I was happy when you first kissed me, and every time you kissed me thereafter. I was happy when you played me Melody Gardot and this beautiful Brazilian song – the perfect representation of life with its joys and sorrows, its comedy and tragedy – laying in bed all night talking, not one commonplace thing said. I was happy when I came to you one evening, simply to kiss you goodnight, and something so simple as your kiss melted all my worries away. I was happy – no, in ecstasy – every time you made me come. Stephen King (my favorite author, in case I never told you) once said, “The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them – words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out.” So here they are, the living size words that sum it all up, simple as they may be … J, I will miss you. I will really miss you."

SUPERNOVA (Verse 1) Fifteen minutes of fame Would you trade it all away? Such a small price to pay I told him, "Baby, you're a star A supernova, you're too far Gone" Every single moment I am thinking up new ways to save you From yourself And all the while I am feeding off the scraps you gave me To be well (Chorus) You said it is like going to the movies It all makes sense in the end But it's like this, I don't know myself anymore Anymore, and this is for All the times your silence lingered Words relayed that silent winter You told me, "Just wait for summer" I am not nobody's number All the words that went unspoken You can't break me, I am broken Such a fine, glossy exterior For somebody so inferior (Verse 2) But it's so hard to walk away I mean, I try every day And I just stay I told him, "We all pay a price For everything in life that's nice We sacrifice" Every single moment I am thinking up new ways to love you Not myself And all the while I am feeding off the scraps you gave me To be well (Chorus) (Bridge) All the words that went unspoken All the hearts remained unbroken Good luck in the life you've chosen I can't bring to life the frozen

I just wrote this today, and thought I'd post "Be" (Verse 1) It was just another morning I woke up and I realized it, that I can't deal with it You made some joke, I rolled my eyes 'cause I can't stand it when you speak So highly of yourself, dear (Hook 1) And I think you ought to find someone new Who doesn't scrutinize your every move But if you want someone who simply adores you, pick me (Chorus) Make no mistake, do not be fooled If I come accross as standoffish, it's only a pretense And I don't mean to be convinced so easily But you have swept me off my feet, now all you really have to do is be Just be, just be, just be (Verse 2) I ran my thoughts into a tailspin I wonder if you noticed it, and if you can deal with this 'Cause I am far from perfect, sometimes I can barely even speak In your company (Hook 2) And I think I ought to find someone new Someone who praises everything I do But I don't want someone who simply adores me, I want you (Chorus) (Bridge) And when we're wandering around aimlessly and we have lost our way Just be And when you just said something exasperating and I'm out of words to say Just be (Chorus)

Oh my God, I love this! You write wonderfully, have a great sense of humor, and seem like you have a lot going for you - it's your imaginary girlfriend's loss =)

Fall upon your knees, he said Please hang your head in shame Your worthiness is dubious Your character the same Your choices full of pleasure seeking Your question-minded soul You never thought to think of after For that, you pay a toll You never thought to worship me I barely crossed your mind Consumed with all your worldly cares I suppose you hadn't time Now judgement shall be harshly passed For merciful I'm not Turn the other way, my friend Join the wretched lot Upon my knees I will not fall I said, and did not bow Blindly I will not adhere Neither then nor now Your arguments are questionable Your logic sorely flawed Yet I who do not understand Should mindlessly applaud? Questions I indeed have asked I'll indulge my intellect And if your position is not to do so Then you I can't respect I did not need your laws to guide me I was guided nonetheless For the capacity to judge right from wrong I believe I do possess And sacrificial I have been For to be selfless I do strive But sacrifice not for hereafter It is now that you're alive And I have loved entirely Wholeheartedly and pure My existence is meant for nothing else Of nothing I'm more sure So, tell the masses, I will do so As I emerge from sleep We must not follow blindly leaders We are not shepherd's sheep

by Greggie Crickets chirp, their reasons unknown Gibberish language of that which we own Alive in the air, half-dead in the hall If you speak of nothing, you should speak not at all And I with my gallant articulate ways Could bring you to tears with just one simple phrase Carefully chosen words which I utter Ruined entirely by nervous stutter If only you saw me behind doors which close Kicked down by the mob, like a deer, I but froze Centered you stood, you belong nowhere else Distance so far from my corners and cells And all who surrounded you needed not be There was nothing but you - not even me Shrunken to half of my size in mere seconds A child now in age, I would come as you beckoned Your microscope burning my now ant-like figure Small as an atom, I wish I was bigger To grow seems unnatural, I stay minuscule The mind of a poet, the words of a fool I chose my own caste, and can't out if it crawl While you shall live richly and prosper in all Our paths will not cross, the words will not form This story will not go beyond pages torn I built you a pedestal, I built it too high I cannot grow an inch, I cannot even try I cannot climb over your fences of pickets I cannot be a God, when I'm only a cricket But think of me fondly, if you ever do And I will speak greatly and grandly of you I need not exaggerate, nor need I lie Crickets chirp, it is unknown why The poem is about feelings of inferiority, imposed on oneself, and the consequences which follow.

GHOSTS link removed (Verse 1) I look into his eyes I can tell that what he's about to say Should come as no surprise Suits me well 'cause the just other day (Hook 1) I thought about it, you know me too well You know me better than anyone else You know me better than you know yourself You know me better than you know yourself (Chorus) Did you break me? Were you the one to break me? Could you fix me? Could you please fix me? Did you break free? Did you ever break free? I thought I did, but I won't know until you kiss me We're dead, we are dead, we are floating around as ghosts As ghosts In my head, in my head, we are floating around as ghosts As ghosts (Verse 2) He has poisoned my mind And in time he'll corrupt my soul as well I can't claim to be blind I can find the way all by myself (Hook 2) I thought about it, it must've been real I don't mistake the way I feel I wish you'd lost all your appeal I wish you'd lost all your appeal (Chorus) (Bridge) I fell in love with the wrong one, with the wrong one He knows me all too well I fell in love with the wrong one, with the wrong one The one who tripped me when I fell (Hook 3) I think about it, and I'm in hell I must truly hate myself I think I know you a little too well I think I know you a little too well (written about my first great love, also the first guy to break my heart)

WONDERLAND link removed (Verse 1) What have you done to me? I'm falling Down the rabbit hole again I tried so hard to leave, I was crawling Trying to feel safe again And then I saw the light, but you were calling Telling me fairy tales I tried so hard to stay in the real world But I fell down the rabbit hole again Down the rabbit hole (Chorus) Wonderland is not safe Get me out of Wonderland To a place with no love Just get me out of Wonderland Before I take something that isn't good for me And now I suddenly feel so small In this place that I love Get me out of Wonderland (Verse 2) So many strange things that are passing by As I'm walking here in Wonderland You're walking next to me, but then you fall behind And suddenly I'm scared again I try to find the light, and wish you by my side Telling me fairy tales It's pretty lonely here in Wonderland I'm down the rabbit hole again Down the rabbit hole (written about the same person in the very beginning of our romance, 18 years old and scared to enter a relationship with him for fear of getting hurt - with very good reason)

Recorded with an mp3-player, so please excuse the quality! BEAUTIFUL link removed (Verse 1) I know you have this theory that if you just shove things Under the carpet, they will not emerge No, they just lay there and linger I can't even explain how I'm wrapped round their finger And you, don't you ever feel the need to f***ing talk 'Cause let me tell you, I sure do And you, don't you ever wonder why You put me through the cruel things that you put me through (Hook 1) But I am not a saint 'Cause all these thoughts running through my brain Need an outlet (Chorus) And every time he calls me beautiful I feel beautiful I feel beautiful But isn't also quite so pitiful That I feel beautiful Only when you're far and gone (Verse 2) I know you have this theory that if you can't explain Any of your actions, then you cannot be blamed No, just because you're stupid Doesn't mean in any way that you can excuse it And you, don't you ever wonder if I'm still bitter Well, let me say, you've got no f***ing clue And you, don't you ever wonder what I'm thinking 'bout When I am silent, if you only knew (Hook 2) But I am not a w**** It's just not the same anymore I need an outlet (Chorus) (Hook 3) But I am not in love With him, he's just someone Who's become my outlet My outlet (about my very troublesome last relationship, and the emotional affair which ensued between me and my boss whilst still in the relationship)

Thank you for the great critique! I think the advice about the "thousand dollar words" is great - definitely a rule that I will try to live by in the future, as I can see how the repetition can take away from a word's overall impact. I am still a novice in poetry (my usual creative and emotional outlet is through lyrics, but I can't play my piano at night), so any comments/advice are greatly appreciated =) Thank you again. PS: I like your signature: "You can live a life, or you can have an existence." I have a tattoo on my back which says "To exist is not to live", so I definitely agree with the statement.

by Greggie The tiles beneath us, black and white Contemplations, strategics, left or right The clack of heels, a board of glass Foolishness, egos and all that jazz Are you a child? Are you insecure? Are you unattainable? Is that your allure? Am I only a body, a source of relief? My intellect shunned, your ego in grief Wounded and bleeding, it goes in attack I rejected your flesh, so you rejected mine back My presence disabled, ghost-like I sway Resistance dumbfounded you, chess we must play Sexless and intimate, tickled and pleasured Reluctant, oblivious to scores that you measured No ego, no pride, no Great Wall to crumble Withstanding refusal to be none less than humble But you never realized on the ground which you tread I rested comfortably, your feet at my head You saw only the physical resistance of charm Never the spiritual twisting of arm And I could've built you, like statues of stone Like Michelangelo's angels, like Colosseum of Rome Timeless and grand and made to stand ages Missing out stupidly, for chess games and wages So tell me who won? And what poor soul did lose? I never did notice, perhaps you called truce? I walked off the board, white flag in frantics Remained unimpressed with child tactics and antics And my time lay wasted, disappointed and used Queens, pawns and bishops - none were amused Heavy breath of ego, wounded but alive We had to kill both you and I to ensure it would survive

I'm sorry, but you can't just break up with me, and expect me not to move on. I have. I think you should too.

CLOCKS Clocks on the wall watch with sympathetic eyes Their minutes reluctant, yet their calling there lies My calling lies with you, and in waiting for your name Your calling lies with them, yet I called you and you came But ages have been, hours lived and died Oceans fell and rose, tide after tide My feelings stayed steady, not a wrinkle, not a scar I loved you from all distances, but the most from a far I desperately wanted you but would not take you It's easy to mistake, but I did not forsake you It is I who's been forsaken, done wrong by myself I placed my body out of reach, his grip the highest shelf But wherever the body is, the mind does not follow My mind is full of imagery, the body is hollow My mind in obsession, telling gallantly our tale I never grow weary, it never grows stale It never grows cliched, it never grows old Repeated in lunacy, yet it still feels untold Only one soul on Earth who has not heard the story All you saw was treachery, not the love nor the glory And wherever your presence is words will not go Diminished into nothing, silence will grow For though I may speak, both loudly and clearly I speak only gibberish, sometimes coded, but rarely And I talk of your stupidity, your failure to all see I talk of your stupidity, when the stupid one is me I talk and talk of feelings, to all who do not care I talk in hopes that it will reach you, travelling ear to ear But I must be aware of the spies, their senses are surely polished Your goodness to me is so clear that I'd hate to see it demolished I'd defend your honor till the end my love, I'd start a war in your name I'd assemble a thousand armies, I'd gladly assign myself blame And though the blame would be unrighteous, I'd claim it as my child You were always the sensible one, I was the one who was wild I was the one with the passion and fury and good senses that had no say You were the one with the moral and values, you were the one lead astray But as I speak it, we both hear it, it's incorrect and misspelled I never took you, though I would claim to if the trial ever was held I could proudly wear my love for you, it stays hidden in your protection Whilst I am your shame, your secret, your lie, the smudge in your own reflection And the more you tell me of my grandure and greatness, the more you become my vice Ten minutes a day, a dream every night, does not for me suffice You've made me greedy and I do not like it, I do not like my dislike for her You once told me she was the best thing for you, I'm your sickness, she is your cure And whatever ails you, she will nurse you, as I lie alone and unwell My conscience in pain, my pressure unstable, my heart beginning to swell You are only there when you find it fitting, you left me alone and diseased Do you find it so strange that I had to show you that I can by others be pleased? And though I couldn't, at least I can say there was an effort on my part It's always easier to be weak than strong, especially for the heart Pleasure first, it asks selfishly, knowing of pains to come And as they arrive, many and forceul, it does not wish it all undone And here I lie, patiently waiting, it seems you will never show And if you now are gone forever, there is one thing you must know Every moment, though small in time, was big and great and grand The touch of your skin, the sound of your voice, the feel of my soul in your hand I found you endearing, I found you amazing, though I found it unable to sound I found myself proud for finding you, I found you a treasure unfound I found myself happy that distant morning, as the ship laid on the docks Nothing will erase the memory, not even watchful clocks

I wrote this for the married man who I desperately want but will never take. Feedback would be lovely IN YOUR BED, IN MY HEAD I just got home from his fancy place Makeup and self-loathing smeared onto my face And you're not on me, not even one cell Whilst he's everywhere, my skin is his smell I can smell his being intertwined with my hair I can smell his lust and I can't even care Talk of self respect, talk of hatred When all I'm wondering is, "Will we make it?" And if we do, what does that entail? The double life you lead comes out unlevel on the scale Numbers, measures, percentage and scores I have you less and I think of you more I think of you now, I thought of you then I tried to envision you again and again It didn't bear fruits, reality stayed real His unwanted touch made an unloving steal And yes it's true, there was something lost I can't quite describe it but I worry of its cost Was it me? Was it you? Was it us? Was it my happiness? Is life that unjust? But justice for me isn't justice for her It isn't justice for him, and not for you, I'm quite sure You talk of your life as if it's all said and done And see my own as only begun But I cannot be your fountain of youth I cannot be your lie as she remains your truth I cannot be half-hearted, I can only be whole I have too much to give you, an entire soul So walk home to your house, be with your wife Know that having me will not give you my life For isn't it true? Isn't that what I've seen? In your eyes infatuation intertwined with specks of green We are so different, there lies the appeal But loving me will not my character steal You cannot become what you never will be I can never be you, you can never be me So what do you miss and how can I give it? You talk so much of life but not once think to live it I'm not your saviour, nor are you mine Though you once were my happiness for a splinter of time And the memory stays for me a guilded treasure In the darkest of darks it's my guilty pleasure I'm aware it's not my right to make you my claim I'm aware it's not my right, but I did it just the same And oceans did move and moments were made But as the oceans stayed the same, the moments did fade I desperately clung to them with an unwavering grip The oceans kept moving, the moments would slip I would love to have them back but not at any price I think that to like myself again would be nice She is just a name, one not too often said But she exists nonetheless, in your bed, in my head

I miss you so much! I can't believe this is how it ended. It pains me so much to know that you have this horrible image of me now. You truly believe I am a bad person, and I truly know that I am not. God, I love you so much. I wish it would stop. You have no idea how much I miss you, yet not contacting you isn't even a struggle. Just because I know that there is no hope, that it truly is over. And there is no more devastating thought than the realization of that... ='(