Siberia

What was today's conversation like? Why do you say cold and horrible? Was the coldness from his side?

Hey no...not just sorry for you, but care and nostalgia, and not wanting to burn bridges with you..although that says nothing about getting back just yet. Since he called you, and even brought up in conversation your "birthday party", you may as well invite him. Just do consider the possibility that he may still be dating her. Then it will be very awkward for him. He will either1) refuse to come or 2) accept the invitation and come with his girlfriend 3) accept the invitation and come without his girlfriend? Think about all these 3 options (assuming he is still dating). Good luck

You know, if you invite him on your birthday, would it be okay to not invite his girlfriend? What have you thought about this?

Dear Brazilgirl, First of all happy birthday I can try to explain your situation a bit from what I've been through. I was in a smiliar situation as your ex boyfriend, i.e had broken up with my long term boyfriend, and had started going out with a new person who I had developed deep feelings for and stayed with for 4.5 years. On my ex's birthday, I did give him a phone call. Not calling him on birthday seemed very drastic and even rude. It was more of an acknowledgement of our past than a signal about the future. So your ex calling you shows that he cares for you. But at this point, there may be nothing more to it. His not calling would have meant he wants nothing to do with you as a human being. Also, when I had called my ex, I also was thinking about it being his first birthday without me, and I felt guilty about having left him "alone." There was nothing romantic about the call though, but I genuinely wanted him to be happy on his birthday. It was more to show respect for our past, and I still cared for him as a person. So yes birthday call = nostalgia+ respect+ care+ some guilt. It is definitely better than not getting a call at all. That is so cold. Right? I mean, you would have felt quite shattered if he hadn't called. Your ex knows that too.

Dear Journeynow Well no, NC is not a medicine for all troubles. I feel NC is usually something you do when you have exhausted all options of communicating with them, sometimes it takes some months to exhaust those options. That's why I asked what vibes you are getting when talking to him? What is his side of story? And what is your own interpreptation of the reason he wants to leave? As for abusing, I only meant that for your own peace of mind, anger is not good. Whenever I feel anger welling up inside me against my ex, I know it is destroying my day, my life..

Journeynow, Of course you work on relationships and marriages, and repair them. All of us on this forum believe that once broken is not always broken.We don't say that mind-numbing phrase "ex is an ex for a reason." We all (including me) want to work things out with our ex's. We would do anything for that. And so we do what is not so easy, to give them space when they "break-up." You know, I've seen in my past two long-term relationships that one partner gets lazy or loses interest, the other partner goes on an overdrive to repair the relationship and inadvertantly pushes the partner still further away. And poof, everything collapses. Sad but true. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could sit down with my fiance and tell him there is absolutely no reason to break-up at the last moment, that what we have is beautiful and we can work on it together? But the thing is he doesn't WANT to work, and most of our ex's here don't want to work. They have given up, gone, disappeared, or are swinging like pendulum between warmth and cold, interest and lack of interest. They are absent from the table. So much as we want, we can't have "that" conversation with them (or any conversation for that matter if they have obliterated us completely) So I'd never suggest that you give up on your marriage, but the way it seems right now, your attempts to work things out will be met with resistance. That is why we all go through the painful process of limiting contact, so that our partners can have proper time to clear their heads and we can find time to stabilize our emotions of anger, hurt, etc. You have always been there for him. Through thick and thin. He knows that. Have tried talking to him already? What does he say? Also, I don't know if you have seen a marriage counsellor or suggested the idea to your partner--again, if you did, what did he say? Does he show a willingness to talk things through with you? Does he say he needs time to do his own stuff? What kind of vibes are you getting from him? And what is his "reason" for not wanting to be with you?

Rebound--well, let the guy know what you are going through. If he is okay, date for a year at least and before deciding marriage, etc. You should be 100% sure about a future with him before you commit. You should not be holding hopes of reconciling with your ex when you commit to your bf.

I hurt my ex by not committing for 2 years because I was feeling very guilty about having broken up with my ex-ex (I have had only two relationships in life). So I kept him in limbo for so long while he treated me like a princess. *sigh* He never fully got over that, even though I spent the next 1.5 making amends. We are now living in different countries (he moved away six months ago). He broke up with me 2 months ago after several rounds of breaking up and getting back. This one seems for good. I have let go COMPLETELY. If he comes back..it is love

Hey Kitchty, But isn't it true that you starting being so sensitive about his emotions only after he pulled away from you. And while he was with you, you were taking him for granted at many levels?

Yes we are humans. We don't always know why we do what we do. It is frustrating to be a human

Yes pride can kick in if they have been deeply hurt in the relationship in the past.. Subconsciously though, and slowly, once they have regained control in the relationship. Funny but true.

Yes but after a break-up, you are no longer a team. The other person has quit and is no longer responsible for you and your feelings. The more you make them responsible, the more you push them away.

Yes it is totally a bad idea to show you are hurting. I cannot stress enough how important it is to NOT show your hurt. You are hurting, fine, keep it yourself, cry in the pillow, talk to your friends. But don't pull a sad face with your ex. It will push him away with the speed of light. Why? They feel that coming back to you fulfills YOUR need and it is too much about you. They want to make sure that coming back is about them, not you. This is the basic rule. Counterintuitive? Yes. But ignore this and you lose them for good. In blunt words, as they say, nobody feeds a hungry dog Only when you are independent, cool, secure in yourself, they feel safe and attracted enough to make their way into your life. They subconsciouly wait for a time when you no longer NEED them, when you have more power than them, and when you are better off than them. Then a reconciliation means they are not stepping backward in life but forward. Hard to accept but this is how it works.

Sometimes details of the break-up don't matter. What matters is--that though I sensed he was pulling back (family issues, commitment phobia, global warming, whatever, the reaons for pulling back do not matter) I refused to give space. I starting working on the relationship in full gear. LOL. You know, I thought I could be the best girlfriend and do everything for him, so he can overcome his fear of commitment. I wanted to prove my love to him. But guess what. The rule is someone starts pulling back you CANNOT run after them. Then it is not about chemistry and love, it is only about physics--i,e. space and time. We must lean back. It doesn't matter if we are princess of wales or merlyn monroe. We pay the price if we don't lean back. So yes, I was acting PURELY out of fear of losing him. I was being clingy (gosh, I do feel embarassed now). I was working more than him on the relationship. I stopped being my relaxed, independent self. I didn't let him go. He felt he had become a victim of my willpower. I am facing the consequences now. The lesson--when they want to leave you let them leave. You don't hold out in desperation. That is fear. Not love.

Dear Brazilgirl, Yes I have followed your threads. I didn't want to pitch in earlier to warn you against the hopes you had build about the graduation party, just because I thought one learns best from experience He wants to be free from you right now. First of all, I am in a similar boat as yours--I mean, my fiance broke off two months just when I thought it was only a matter of months before we tied the knot. Guess what, if we have hurt our men in the past (which you did, and I did too) their pride gets the better of love at some point, just to prove to themselves that they don't dance to our tunes. And the likeliest time for them to walk away is when we think we have won them back 100%. Then they know it is the time to leave. Again, I should insist they are not manipulating but only acting like humans. So don't take the details of break-up personally. Just remember--they want to return on their OWN terms and timeline. Not ours. He wants to be his own person right now. It is not even male pride, it can be female pride too, as I have been a dumper in past. Yes that girl is a rebound. Just the timing says that clearly. Can they have deep feelings for a rebound? Yes. why not. Some rebounds are really deep and *real* but does that mean they are long term? No. The emotional base he has with you is far too strong. Whether you should keep NC forever or not is not a decission you can make right now. There has hardly been any distance between you two. It is all too fresh. At least do it for 3 months. Then re-evaluate your situation. In the meanwhile, you should do something to change the pattern of your life. Go out and study for example. Date other men. Accept the scenario of a life without your ex. This acceptance is the most powerful liberator. See, when ex's break up, even they can't predict what they are gonna want 6 months down the line. There is a lot of uncertainity in their head too about the future. Nothing is set in stone. So do what will best tilt the outcome in your favor--i.e. move on with your life. I just hope that these insights into their psychology helps you accept the break-up more easily, instead of constantly questioning why and how.