lauralied

Should I be roomies with a guy friend I have loved for years, who currently views me in sisterly terms? How can I deal with him bringing another girl over? Who has done something like this successfully? And is there a chance he'll change his mind, and we will fall in love!? I'm such a fool for him!

You may not know what you want right now. Who said you had to decide at this particular time? I am in the same boat as you, I am 22 and I could take two very different paths in my life. I think that time usually gives clarity to what is now in question. I trust that circumstances one, two weeks to months from now, will change and eventually a good course will line up. You might regret going the domestic route with your ex without spreading your own wings first. Unless you really need that stability of a marriage and home at this age, I'd say hold off. You need to marry someone not because you can't survive without them but because their presense in your life adds something special you'd rather not go without. It's never good to be too dependent upon anyone for your own happiness. I struggle with that idea a lot, but it takes strength of character to feel OK with oneself even when you've got no one else but yourself. I'd think you need some time to explore the avenues that life can offer you as an individual. Relationships are a hard thing to leave behind, but maybe you can keep him in your life to some degree, to make it easier as you grow on your own. If that's not possible, you may just need to cut the strings that bind. I don't mean you should forget all the wonderful times and memories, that's impossible and not right. You just need to find a way to draw the line in your mind, between then and now, the happiness and joy of the past and the goal to find happiness and joy in the present. You just need to be true to your own needs, whatever they are. Prioritize your life and go from there.

Sure, glad I could help you! Please PM me or otherwise keep me posted on what happens! Laura

Holly, I understand how it feels to be in love with your best friend. I am in my early 20s and though I'm not ready for marriage, I know what I am looking for, and he is every thing. This is my own experience talking, but I would advocate your telling him these romantic feelings. I know it is a big risk. And there is a chance he will not have the same feelings. But if you have a great friendship, which I am sure you have, it will be able to weather any "weirdness" this could cause. My friend and I are closer than ever, even though he knows how I feel for him but he only sees me as a sister. Somehow it made me feel a lot better that he knew just the extent to which I love him, even though we would not be together. So...what I'm saying is, you don't know until you try. It could be the most beautiful thing in the world. A lot of people, including myself at times, say to wait for clues from him, or to question whether it's worth putting the friendship in jeopardy before doing anything. But sometimes, I think you need to put those barriers out of the way, and just live. You've got to try things that may hurt you in the end, if the potential benefits are really that golden and great. In my opinion, a wonderful friendship based on years of shared times and shared lives is the finest way to a longterm romantic relationship. I figure that if you've got that stuff down, the romance should be a natural and fairly guaranteed success, so long as both people are wanting the same things and feel confident they see those things in each other. Good luck, my friend. I think it is worth trying, I honestly do. You may want to hold off for awhile, depending upon how long he had been dating his ex girlfriend. You don't want to rush into this, considering he is still dealing with that relationship. If you both want to give that a try, it has to be the right time. You will have to feel that one out. As far as fairy tales and movie perfect endings, I feel that we should believe in these things as long as they bring us up, and give us motivation. I agree that a friendship into romance would be as great as a dream, and I think we need to believe that we deserve something that nice and that fulfilling. Good luck. Laura

No way! That's what I thought when I read the last line of your recent post. You are to be respected even if you are not working in some fabulous career, especially by your life partner. You have to demand respect though. If you really believe someone is right in thinking you are lesser of a person than before, there's half of the problem. Perhaps it would do you some good to find a different job, but one that is fulfilling to you and would boost your self-esteem. It doesn't have to be the grind of your past career, but you seem to be a resourceful and intelligent woman, and you could likely be successful trying your hand at something different. Once you start making your own money again, you might feel more validated by your husband but more importantly, like you're getting your identity back. It sounds like you hate the housework thing ( and I understand how hard it is to do the constant upkeep stuff, and I'd be a horrible housewife myself), so you've probably lost some faith in yourself and a part of who you are, just being alone in the environment you don't relate to. You need to get out there again and be productive. Then, you will have two legs to stand on again. Then, just say if your insecurities about your man finding "a better housewife, a younger woman who is attracted to his money, etc etc" happened to come to fruition (God forbid, because you were married to be faithful to one another), then at least you would have a little more power, a little more stock placed in YOU and so you would not be so weak to deal with it. And more realistically, those worries would probably subside somewhat, just because you've got your mind on other things and you are a source of income yourself. I hope you can find some kind of motivation from this. I just think you need to hear that you are a capable, intelligent, and worthy person. You really are. You need to realize that you have the potential to do more, if you are dissatisfied with the here and now. You don't have to settle for less. Change what you don't like. You have that power. And you have a lot more power to do other things, maybe you just have forgotten it. Laura

A good way a guy friend could approach me if he were wondering would be to say not-so-friends like things such as: You are a very pretty girl, do you know that? I am so glad that I have someone like you to spend time with, you are so (fun/hilarious/cool/you fill in the blanks) Your hair looks really great when you style it like that. I have never noticed this, but (fill in the blanks a physical attribute that you could compliment her on, barring the praise of her chest, rear end, or other obvious choice!) I remember that time when we (give her a forgotten but shared detail of a time spent and show her that you remember little things she said/did) Those are just a start. Then after you say one or two of these things sprinkled within a conversation (best if in person), observe closely how she reacts (without LOOKING like you're closely observing her, hahah). If she smiles comfortably, could be friends or not just friends feelings surfacing, but check her eyes too. Do they sparkle, are her pupils bigger, does she look away but keep smiling? Those things could mean she has a crush too. Does she ever laugh nervously when you two are together? Does she almost invariably laugh at most of your jokes? Does she make you feel comfortable? Does she smile when you two are talking and having eye contact sometimes? Does she touch her hair a lot, put a finger up to her lips or teeth and hold it there, does she turn towards you when you sit? Does she ever touch your hand, arm, or play punch you? Does she readjust you collar or ever try to get closer to you, if only for a few seconds? All of those things are kind of hints that you can use that show a woman likes you. When I like a guy, I don't try, but I tend to subconsciously do them. I've also read that the whole "acting like a little girl" act is another sign a girl is interested, this is when the girl acts demurely or extra innocent, which shows that they would feel comfortable having you take care of them, look out for them, protect them. A girl who only has friends feelings would probably not use that strategy. Well good luck, and let me know what happens! Laura

It sounds like he doesn't respect you, if anything. Never marry someone when you have doubts, because those aspects you disliked will only grow worse, not better. Some people are able to separate their job/professional life from their personal one. Others have no other option. But it sounds like you two are immersed in your career together. I would get out of that job. And as far as his involvement, it would be a hard sell to get him to stop, and maybe even to avoid dealing with certain more offensive music groups. But I think you guys need to open up a new line of communication that is not boggled with criticisms and resentment and refusal to make change. You both need to find a way to communicate to each other your concerns and worries in a way that is not perceived as an attack to the other. I agree that what he does for a living is kind of an uncomfortable situation. But it is all about trust AND a positive perception. Every woman and man in a relationship goes into the world and sees attractive people of the opposite sex, regardless of job. It's part of the daily grind of living. This is fine in some relationships because both members trust each other, respect each other, etc. It's hard to trust if the other person makes you feel like they don't deserve it. Does he deserve your trust? Has he ever done things to make you question his loyalty? If not, maybe you are overreacting, and I say MAYBE. If it is hard to trust him, why? Communicate to him in a non-attacking or nagging way HOW he does things that could hurt the relationship. It's difficult to accept your boyfriend being bombarded with images of attractive women if he doesn't make you feel particularly attractive yourself. Is this a problem? Does he reassure you that he wants you and finds you sexy/attractive? If not, talk to him about that. I've found that with men, you get through to them better if you don't phrase questions so much with "I feel like." Guys don't process emotional words as well as we think they should. They seem to understand when you say things more directly, like, "It disappointed me when you started to promote that rap group Because. . .and how can we make this work well for both of us?" Just like you can't hem and haw and say "I wish you'd talk to me about how you're feeling" you've gotta say it like "I need for you to explain why you did X" etc. Anyway, good luck. I think you guys need to listen to each other. Most people are not as selfish as they come off when there is a disagreement. It's usually just that one person feels they are not being heard in some way or another and choose to close off further comment from the other person. It's not that they don't care, but they don't feel heard out themselves.

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Hello, I agree with Prince, that there must be more to your relationship than the money issue. There are other qualities about you that certainly round out who makes you, YOU. I can't imagine that he doesn't appreciate any of these things. But back to the immediate issue; I think you work on your "keeping house" skills, watch the Food Network and pick up some ideas on how to cook a tasty meal, plan a special treat for you both when he returns from work, do whatever you can that being a "housewife" implies in the minds of your husband and yourself. And most importantly, as has already been mentioned, talk to him about things. Keep your voice audible in matters, ask for his input, see what he expects, show him what you can do, tell him how you love him, be reassured he still loves you...and on and on. Communication is really everything and I hope that he will see the negative light he is illuminating upon you (perhaps inadvertently), and realize change for the better is a two-way street and it will take effort on both parts to improve this situation!

There is something about the new chillness in the air, the presense of autumn, just the aroma and flavor of a mug of coffee with cream. An older, college-going boyfriend bringing me to his morning class, the newness, my excitement with the peek into his world, a world I hadn't yet arrived at. Because of these cues, I am reminded of a person from my past, an experience that occurred five years ago this time of year. He changed me forever. He had me in a time when I was changing, molding, learning and absorbing so much of life that surrounded me. I was 17 then. Does anyone else get nostalgic about old experiences, a relationship from an earlier and easier time, at this time of year? Memories warm my heart, but it also hurts sometimes to reflect upon times long past.

There doesn't have to be any particular reason at all for your depression. Clinical depression is a mental illness, just like a physical illness, that may need medical treatment to be cured. If these Constant feelings don't subside after two weeks, you could be diagnosed as clinically depressed. But remember, everyone goes through times when they just feel down, and just feel like crying for even "minor" reasons. You may just be going through one of those funks where you don't feel too confident in yourself or your current life situation. Some people are also just more prone for depression, because of their personality and the way they perceive life events and other factors. Maybe you ought to try something to make you feel better about yourself. I know exercising, getting out there and being productive, gets me out of sad moods quickly. Just yesterday, I went for a walk/jog out on one of our city's trails and I ended up crying, feeling sorry for myself and simply feeling rotten and depressed. Well, I started to jog amidst my tears, and soon, the feelings dissipated. When I was done running, I felt like I accomplished something healthful for myself, and that I wasn't such a lost cause after all (plus exercise releases endorphins--chemicals in the brain that make you feel good, a natural high!) Sounds corny, I realize, but I am being honest here. It helped me! So anyway, you're completely fine. We are humans, not bubbly joy machines 24 hours a day. You are justified in feeling sad or depressed sometimes. Just don't let it get the best of you. Try to do something that might bring you a little bit of happiness, or pride, or enjoyment. And if you want to cry, go for it. Crying really helps release that negative energy, and sometimes it's all you need. Best of luck. Laura

Don't be afraid to be who you are. We are taught what is considered "normal" in regard to sexuality, and if we have any inkling that our feelings aren't normal then we're made to believe we are weird and bad and whatever else. Don't subscribe to that negative thinking. You are YOU, and if you are bisexual, then stop feeling bad about yourself. Be glad you are learning more about who you are, and be glad you can be honest and truthful to yourself. Sometimes it's easiest to confide in someone you don't know so personally, someone who doesn't have such a presense in your life. Or talk to the GLBT leader, if that person is a caring and trustworthy adult. You could find your local PFLAG chapter and ask to speak to someone about your situation. When my best friend told me he was bisexual, I was a little confused and needed to talk to someone anonymously, and I got in touch with a very nice older woman whose daughter happened to be gay. There are many safe resources and outlets for you, just look around a little, check the phonebook, look online. Good luck. P.S. Never be ashamed of who you are. You have just as much right to live as you wish as the next person. Be true to yourself! Laura

Hello UpstateMedic, You aren't married yet, so there is still time and room for questioning. You had better be sure of the person when you actually get married. I had a similar experience. I'm 22, and I dated one person all through high school and most of college. Our relationship was close, sweet, loving, comfortable...and we could still be together if not for one thing: I felt there was that "1/4 teaspoon" thing missing between us, that spark, that "complexity, depth, and character" that you mentioned. I miss my ex boyfriend (and close friend, and supporter, and childhood sweetheart--all) even now, but I realized then and still must remind myself now that it WAS lacking something which I couldn't deny that I needed to continue on and be satisfied. Now, I am not about to give you advice saying, get rid of your fiancee, etc. I am all for leaving no stone unturned when it comes to resolving the problems and seeking more from the relationship. I think you need to articulate your concerns and emotions, put things up into the light, do everything you need to do to promote positivity and growth in your relationship's future. Without it, there doesn't seem to be much sense in planning a future including marriage. I heard recently that anything difficult in your relationship will only get more difficult once married, not easier. So try to resolve these issues now, while you can. I realize that there are some things, such as a magical chemistry, that can't be pulled out of nowhere. But with a history together and a mutual love, I don't see why you both couldn't try cultivating more of a magic, a mystery, an intrigue around your relationship that will make things more fulfilling, exciting, and affirming. I wouldn't throw out all you have just to find that quality in someone else. Certainly, you could find that connection with someone else, but imagine what you could be forfeiting in the process. Keep me posted! And best of luck. Laura

Yes I agree with the above sentiment, You need to be the one to do the asking here. Why sit around and wait for what you want to come for you? Why be a spectator at your own game, your own life??? I say, go for him, girl!! Be brave! I've done it before, and it really is gratifying and strengthening, to know you had more "balls" than the guy to make a move! I know many guys think a brave and assertive girl is quite sexy! It's your call. Best of luck! Laura

No problem, Chris, I'm sure I speak for most of us when I say I would be glad to be of more help, if you need it. Laura