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Mar

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  • Birthday 08/31/1973

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  1. Just to throw in my two cents, I've been engaged since Christmas past-past. As in, coming up on 2 years. My fiance and I have barely discussed marriage; when we do, he basically says he likes the security of knowing I'm his and he's mine and the ring is there as a reminder of that, and that there's no rush for the wedding. I agree, very honestly. If your guy spent $2,800 on a ring, that ain't chump change. A man doesn't spend that kind of cash on something just to "shut someone up." Nope, uh uh, no way. That's SOME sort of commitment, even if he's still not comfortable discussing it. Men have a hard time taking that final step (not ALL men, just all the ones I've ever met, apparently!) to commitment to one women for the rest of their life. It's not odd, it's nothing to get angry over. Why? He's made the commitment to you for this long; I'd assume things are going well overall. Be comfortable in the relationship, and don't push. The less you push, or even seem indifferent about it, the more he may think, "hey, she's losing interest and I really want to do this after all!" (Or not, I have no clue, I make this up as I go.....! ) Point being, there's no rush because the love and commitment are already there. Why is that ceremony so important? Will it mean he loves you MORE? Nope. It's a piece of paper, a name change, and the ability for one of you to put the other on your health insurance plan. Not much to get excited over there, is there? Enjoy what you have with him; he gave you the ring, he'll come around to being comfortable with making marriage plans soon enough! Mar
  2. I hate to say it, but the timing CAN'T be that coincidental for it to be anything but. What was she doing out with a guy till 3 a.m. in the first place? In a healthy relationship, that most likely wouldn't happen. I'm not saying a woman can't have male friends, but I know my fiance would take some serious offense to me ditching him for my best friend (male) till 3 a.m., and then mysteriously coming down with herpes!! There's trust, and then there's naivete......I'd keep my distance for now and see what she does. If she immediately hooks up with this guy, then you know you were right. And no, that does NOT mean spying on her! Just work on yourself, and try not to concentrate on what she's doing so much. And no, calling her for awhile isn't a good idea! Let things settle, and see how you do and how she does. And I'm sorry things worked out this way for you. Mar
  3. You have to realize a couple of things in this situation: 1)she doesn't know you from Adam, and is going to (if she has a brain in her head) be wary/cautious of meeting up with a complete stranger. Friends is the safest approach for her to take. If you pushed her on that, she might think you were after more, or something "sinister", and you'd have blown it. Being the gentleman you are, you said friends is fine, and still would like to meet up. Who can say if she'd want more or not? It's very easy to become attracted to a personality on a computer screen, but oftentimes a lot different when you meet that person face to face and discover that you don't like their mannerisms, their attitude on things, etc. Even something as basic as looks, although that's rather shallow unless you look like Jabba the Hut. Go with the meeting with the intention of gaining a good friend out of the deal. Don't pressure her for more beforehand, and let her lead the way on how she wants to proceed. If there's something there, you'll both click. If not, you'll have gained a special friend. Either way, you're not losing out. Mar
  4. Gilgamesh is absolutely right, I couldn't have said it better. Yes, those quick romps are an esteem booster, which you already know. The thrill of being wanted, of feeling desirable, etc. Obviously you're somewhat attractive or you wouldn't be able to get these men so quickly.. Why not use that to your advantage? You're intelligent; that much shows in the fact that you recognize the problem and what future problems could crop up. These "fixes" aren't doing a damn thing for you-get rid of 'em. All you're doing is repeating the vicious cycle of feeling wanted, then angry when the want fades and the men leave. Have you asked yourself why you're so needy of this? Do you have any good friends to talk to? A Sexaholics Anonymous group you can go to in your area? (Dicey, since most are filled mostly by men.) A counselor you can talk to? Your best bet would be therapy, I'm willing to bet. There's no shame in it; many, many people go through the same thing you are, and can get to the root of the problem with a good therapist. But whatever you do, stop the cycle! You're getting nothing out of it except increasingly lower self-esteem, and you've already taken the first step in a cure by admitting the problem! Mar
  5. Being a woman, I've never had the bumps....but I DID hear a urologist who explained about those pimply-looking bumps, and he said they're still not sure what they are, but that they're definitely harmless. Apparently quite a few guys get them-they're not contagious, they generally don't bother the person they're on, and they eventually go away. Could be a form of heat rash, general irritation from your pants, etc. Regardless, the point is that you haven't contracted some weird disease! But it certainly wouldn't hurt to go to your doc and have 'em checked out regardless, just to make sure. Mar
  6. Sure they can forego it, same as women. Yes, most guys discover that it feels good early on and won't leave it ALONE after that, but some just don't get into it. Granted, I don't know of many, but it's not unheard of by any means! Mar
  7. I was actually just reading a big article on cheating spouses yesterday. And surprisingly, women cheating are coming up fast and furious on the heels of men. Difference being, women are sneakier about it. Some of the reasons listed for cheating were boredom, feelings of neglect if the spouse is a businessperson/travels quite a bit/works long hours consistently, easy access on the computer for cheating, such as chat sites that DESIGNATE a section to people "married and browsing", feeling unattractive to one's spouse, or simply because it's a rush to flirt with someone new and have them reciprocate. When you're in a long-term relationship, it's almost a guarantee that that flame of "God, I love you so much!" is going to die down to the more comfortable "love you, hon." Children are born, couples have more responsiblity and more stress with growing families/financial strain, and don't get to spend quality time with each other like they used to. You get into that daily grind of just going from one day to the next, and forget to make time just for you and your spouse. A spontaneous trip, a romantic evening, a phone call during the day just to say "I love you and am thinking of you." It does take some work to maintain a relationship, and if you get too caught up in the other aspects of your life, you tend to take your spouse for granted until you realize they've also come to that conclusion and need a little more! Mar
  8. Wow....you've been through the wringer on this one, no question there. You're in a tough spot AND a good spot in that you two have been together so long. The tough part is that you both started dating so early, and never had a chance to date anyone else nor have much of a social life outside of each other. Obviously, now that she's going out with her friends, she's realizing what she missed out on there. The good spot is that you two have such a deep history together, as you said. You know she loves you (which is creating some serious turmoil in her if she IS thinking of leaving eventually) and you love her, and I think she's faced with some huge guilt issues when she thinks about staying with you vs. leaving to try out a life on her own. You've already talked to her. You've reminded her of the good times (which is essentially calling upon her guilt as well, in that it could been seen as you saying "We did really well together in the past and you're going to throw that away now, throw ME away?"), you've admitted your faults, although you're still fighting with her about the same issues (granted, I can understand why, since she hasn't changed her behavior whatsoever) and you've tried to have her spend more time with you, which she's choosing not to do. Throw out all the arguing, all the nagging, all the begging. All that does is drive her away from you more, and make her more determined to spend time with those friends that DON'T argue/nag/beg, and just want to have a good time with her. I think that, at this point, you need to ask her one question: do you want to be with me or not? Plain and simple. Let her know that you love her dearly, that you respect her, that you want what's best for her-but also that you have to consider yourself into this equation, as does she. And it's not a healthy relationship at all right now; something has to give here. And "I don't know" isn't a good answer to get. Of COURSE she's not going to know, either because it's sudden pressure to have to make some sort of decision, or because she doesn't want to lose either thing she has going, whatever. Regardless, you're not asking her to break up, you're asking her to divide her time between the man she supposedly loves and her friends in an equal manner. This is not an unreasonable request! Ask her if she wants to date other people, sine she's brought this up before. Yes, it's a painful question, but better that you know up front than that she cheats on you down the road because she doesn't want to hurt you. And you can't argue with whatever she answers. You're asking her for an honest answer, you have to respect her if she gives you one. I don't know what else to suggest, since you seem to have covered all the bases. I'm very sorry that you're having such a hard time with this, and I can understand your distress completely. But you have to find out where her priorities lay, and if she's not happy in this relationship, and is making you unhappy as a result, then something has to give. Maybe you need to spend some time apart so you can both think of what you're looking for in the future. I know what you'll say you want, so I guess it's more to give her a chance to see what she wants. And yes, letting go of someone you love is harder than anything, because there's always that fear they won't come back. But that's the test there: if they do come back, then you know they love you as you do them. If they don't, maybe it was over for them and they just didn't feel the same anymore. But to try to keep someone in a relationship using guilt factors and playing on their sympathies isn't right-the decision has to be honest, like anything else in a relationship. Best of luck to you, I hope this works out for you. Mar
  9. They're called cramps, and just about every female gets them during her period. Any of the above medicine will definitely ease those cramps! Mar
  10. Well, that's a tough question, obviously.....what do you think the father would say? If he wanted it, would you be willing to keep it? That'd be your biggest challenge right there. Because if you DON'T, then the relationship might very well be over. And you should NOT, NOT NOT base your decision in this on that one thing!!! You have to take in all the factors....the fact that this is a lifetime responsibility, not something you can put on a shelf when you're tired of it. And I'm guessing that you've already realized this in that you want to terminate it. If you can't afford it/aren't emotionally ready for it/couldn't care for it properly, then so be it, and your decision is the right one. Again, this is a touchy subject for many people, and you're going to find many differing answers. Don't let anyone sway you from what you feel is right, bottom line. You're the one ultimately responsible for this child. If you can face giving it up for adoption, I'd suggest doing that first. If you can't, you have to do what's right for you, never mind others' opinions on it. (Sorry, folks, but it's the truth!) And yes, you may catch flack for whatever your decision might be-but the bottom line is, it's your life and the welfare of this child-to-be, and if you're certain you can care for neither in any capacity, then you need to do what you feel is right. Mar
  11. Then why not tell her the truth??? Let her know that you feel there's no love in the relationship, and that you'd like to move on, and that this is an opportunity for both of you to possibly find someone better suited to each of you. Yeah, it'll be hard-what breakup isn't? But if you don't feel like you love her anymore, and if she can answer in such a callous way, then there's not much love lost there regardless. Let her know that you enjoyed your time with her, but that you feel that you two aren't best suited for each other, and that you don't feel any respect from her. So what if she calls you names? You'll get over it. It's a defense mechanism, regardless. Bottom line: if you're not happy, GET OUT. If you feel this strongly about this relationship, the end is inevitable anyway, might as well do it now and spare both of you down the road...... Mar
  12. First off, I think you have a great head on your shoulders and your maturity is admirable for 17! I know guys my age who aren't half that responsible or committed to anything. I have to agree that at least getting your diploma is a smart move. And only because any employer is going to take a dim view of a guy trying to get a job who couldn't even be bothered to finish high school; but you know that. Moving there? Well yeah, I definitely don't see why you can't give it a shot. If you two can keep this long distance thing going for the next year, little under a year, then you'll be able to save money, get that diploma, and be a bit more stable when you go. And it's HARD. I moved out of my house at 18 thinking I had the world by the tail, and man, was I wrong! So be prepared-it costs a LOT of money, even living frugally, to support yourself. And no, that wasn't meant to discourage you by any means, more to prepare you for what's ahead. What about your folks, do they support you in this? And what about her folks? Just curious what the parentals have to say..... Mar
  13. Well, he's doing what he needs to do; maybe you need to do the same. Either be patient with him and know he's doing all he can to get regular work so he CAN get a computer again, or, if you just can't wait, then be honest with him and let him know this is too hard for you. And I DO understand your frustration in that he can't find time to call for a few minutes-could it be that he just can't afford to do that now? No job=dwindling funds fast, and he might just be embarrassed to tell you he's in a bind. Any LDR is going to be a strain. The fact that your guy met with unfortunate circumstances isn't his fault, and he asked you to stick with him. If you care enough, you'll do that. Yes, it's hard when you can't communicate too much. But this isn't a permanent thing. Maybe you just need to be a little more patient, and keep in mind that he's not enjoying it any more than you are. But I wouldn't start distrusting what he says.....he's given you no reason to think he's lying about anything other than just not being in contact as much. If it's too hard, then let him know that you need to move on, since there's no communication going on. Just be gentle! Mar
  14. I have to agree, it really doesn't sound as though her heart is into making this work. If this ex was such a lame guy, why is she paying his bills when she apparently can't even really make ends meet for herself, hence the "I can't have a relationship till I have a stable job" thing. Where I come from, that's one of the nice things about a relationship.....you know you can rely on your partner to help you out with those bills and such, so it's not so overwhelming. And the part that REALLY bugs me (and I think others will agree) is that, when given a choice, she asked to "think about it." Why? SadMan, this girl isn't into commitment right now. I don't know if she just enjoys playing the field and having you to run back to when she's lonely or what, but this isn't healthy for you whatsoever. You're giving her way too much power, and letting yourself be used in the process. I'm pretty sure you're not going to enjoy the position of doormat very long. Let her go. Granted, it may not have been wise to make her choose, but you're getting your answer now regardless. She's had 3 days to think about it, and if her feelings were as strong as yours, she wouldn't have had to think about it, because the opportunity to get back together with you was presented to her as neatly as possible. I'm sorry to sound so defeatist, but she's not good for you. Not to mention the fact that you don't know who she's been with and what she may have picked up. Yes, that sounds extreme, but if she's that casual about her affairs and the guys she's with, well.... You can do better than this one. I know the breakup hurts, and I know you're sick of hearing "it'll get better, you'll find someone else", but the nice thing is that you WILL. Don't let loneliness make you accept less than you're worth. She had her chance and has apparently made her choice. I would just e-mail her/call her, whatever, and let her know that you're getting the feeling that she's not ready to be with you again, and so rather than make her choose, you're letting her go so you can get on with your respective lives. She may not enjoy it, but maybe it'll make her think twice about treating a relationship so casually in the future. Mar
  15. To answer your question, yes, some women do experience dryness, which has nothing to do with their sexual appetite or ability to be aroused. I wouldn't say it's common, but there are definitely women out there who have the misfortune of experiencing it. And the solution? Any water-based lubricant. Problem solved. Mar
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