kitchty
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Getting back together really does happen!
kitchty replied to wishingonastar's topic in Getting Back Together
While I heard about reconciliation story, I would also hear stories where people don't get back together. The ratio is around 1:4 (reconciliation Not trying to be a wet blanket here....But I am not really sure if I should have any hope....yet again who knows...relationships are different and some people who broke up might not have strong connection to begin with. I am also at the point where I question how strong the connection I had in my relationship was....I am not sure any more......Maybe my relationship was just another weak one where I thought there was true, deep love but in truth there never was....and it was anything but special...just one relationship where two people do boring, humdrum things together and never made an effort to grow together at all..we just drifted along... Sigh. I want to start over again..don't want to go back to the relationship...want to ditch the relationship but not my ex SO. I feel that we have potential...but I don't think he thinks the same. -
Another poster here called Sparkie got into the same situation. sigh...people really do live in the past and once you hurt them it is so hard to undo it. Never, ever hurt anyone, even a little bit...this is my philosophy from now on.
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Maybe do it once, then quit it. Take that answer and make yourself believe that that answer probably will hold true for a few months after they said it at least. I made the mistake of opening up and asking how my ex was feeling too many times..and it was lame. Pretty much wasted my time and ex's time talking about the same thing over and over and never got a different answer.
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I think it is not a matter of pretense or rubbing it in someone's face. It is a matter of truly healing and truly having things back together before even making an attempt to try again. And when you are happy with your life, it is not like you will have to go bragging about it with your ex. The point is not about telling him how happy you are with your new life. It is about regaining balance and happiness so you can really love and make it about both the ex and you rather than just you alone. It is so true...you bring all your bad habits into the relationship. If you are sloppy with yourself or financially dependent, you will bring that into the relationship...so that is why it is important to really have a happy, fulfilling life and know how to nurture and take care of yourself. Because honestly, how you treat the relationship and the other person is exactly how you treat yourself. If your life is falling apart personally, financially and everything you will drag the other person and the relationship down with you. And you do not have to pretend when you are not ready. You have NC! This is what NC is for--so you don't have to pretend, you see. keep them out of your life until both you and them are ready again...if that will ever happen.
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So you could also say I had no idea what I was really doing when I was with him I guess. Clueless... But not totally clueless. My time and attention was devoted to him. Really...he had most of my prime time. Never cheated. Never compared any other guy with him and made him feel less-than. Always believed in him. Always complimented him and always thought he was the cutest, kindest and loveliest guy around (always told him that). Always told him how awesome he was, especially when he thought he was no good. Always honest with him and totally shared my life with him. Thought about my future with him. Never want to be apart from him. Plan my future in such a way that avoids us having to do long-distance or be apart. Respected who he was (personal philosophy and stuff) Can the above be called love too? i guess the only time I don't respect his choice is when it comes to relationship commitment and future plan. He was always going slower than I would like him to be--I think due to him being unhappy with the relationship. He did say that he felt respected and felt heard all the time, except when we talked about the relationship and he could not give me the answer I want. That was the only incident when he felt that I didn't respect him or his decision.
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TOTALLY. you know my situation......not one of those people who knows this from the get go. Unfortunate indeed.....Why is it that he knows like it is innate to him, but I was just so ignorant... And that is why I said...there are many girls out there who know how to love and nurture from the get go...and if he gets one of those girl during our time apart then..I guess game over for me....Nothing else I could do I guess except getting out of this limbo and rebuilding my life ASAP so I can be ready ASAP.
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I think my ex really did love me if that is the really the definition of love... but ...I don't know. I think the definition of the kind of love for romantic lifetime partner may be different. Because apparently you can love someone the way I posted above, yet not want to be their lifetime partner...I guess for that it need to be a little more intense, like wanting to wake up next to the person everyday and can't imagine the future without the person and being willing to make sacrifice (with job, geographical locations, etc) in order to not have to be apart from the person..... And come to think of it I start to wonder if my ex ever really had that kind of intense love for me....I think our love just didn't grow. After infatuation phase, we became like best friends and totally comfortable with each other. We were passionate and had chemistry, too...but the love just didn't deepen or grow...We kind of just drifted along... That is why i really want to start over with him rather than go back to the old relationship Sigh.
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Toodlepip, For example, I think it is true when I can't stand hurting him for my own sake. When I see that he is unhappy with me/ is frustrated because of me and then take a step to separate myself even though I miss him so much and cry alone at night, I know that is love. I think it is true when want to encourage him, be there for him, and am concerned about his happiness and personal growth. So it is not just wanting to be with him, but also wanting to nurture and care for him. And it is true when I feel this joy when he is happy...and want to all I can to make his day/make him feel happier everyday.
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So how much self awareness does anyone have? If we are all doing things because of the subconscious, then how much do we actually know about what we are doing and why we are doing them? Is not that scary? I mean...just looks like often times we actually don't know what we really want or our true motivation....I mean.. come on is not that scary? You could think you really love your rebound but you have no idea it is all about your bruised ego?? argh this is frustrating....
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Ex said this when we broke up "My mom and brothers were concerned about me. They know I am not the kind that lets myself be controlled or does what he doesn't want to do and they wondered why I let you abuse me over and over"
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sad but true. Erasing it or having it work in your favor is difficult.
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Spot on. Thanks! I am really getting that resolve to do the right thing now even though sometimes I don't really feel like I know why. Now I see one of the big whys. I think Siberia wrote about this in her post before, this really help hit the point home for me.
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What about this? Sometimes people are hurting/unstable/weak while they are IN the relationship and why is it ok in that case (many relationship survive a period of both people hurting/going through rough patch, right? So it is not entirely impossible to have a relationship with one or both parties are hurting, no ? Why is there so much expectation on us dumpee? Have to be strong, be the "new and better" person , not hurting and totally strong and shiny and confident and perfect? Not an attack. Please just give me your three cents....I really don't think there is any relationship on earth that is strong all the time, in which both people are never hurting at any given time.
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Could you explain? If something is deep and real, why can't it last? Can pride really make him(and dumpers in general) think and believe that they really want someone else rather than the dumpee? I mean, you know...I just thought people knew better about themselves. Like, I thought they knew in general whether they are doing something because of bruised ego or because their heart is really into it. Just sounds bizarre to me that someone could do something out of pride de facto, while believing with his whole heart that it is not about pride but about being in love with the new girl. Do people really have so little self awareness?