That sounds about right to me.
Well let me start with a background story on what has happened the past few months, how we met and all that before I tell you another part of this that isn't my best thing ever.
Starting with about 4 months ago... I had been with my first [ex]boyfriend for 2 and a half years up until I broke up with him for seemingly no good reason around September. We had such a great relationship, things were going so wonderfully, until a year ago when I moved 15 minutes drive further away. Neither of us had a car, so it made it extremely difficult to see each other. I honestly think that was the number one issue with things, was the 'distance'... And yet I cut it short for seemingly no good reason. Not even I myself knew the reason other than things weren't working, I had almost done it several times before but kept trying to work on it instead... And that last time had thought about it for a while before carrying out the breakup. Soooo that makes me wonder if I'm a rotten girlfriend in itself, because I bailed on him when things weren't even all THAT bad, just a rough patch. Looking back on it though, it was my first relationship, it had started when I was 15-going-on-16 and he was like 18-going-on-19.. [so, 18 and 21, when we broke up...] I realize now that I didn't have the coping skills to deal with the small problems we had, and so I was putting effort and energy into all the wrong places, and it drained me. So there's the answer to that.....
So I think there's that worry that I am not going to have the strength to deal with problems as they come, and I have never had to even really DEAL with problems in a relationship. It's always been cut-and-run for me. My fear, I think, is messing things up with him and then running away from it. Or that in the midst of a low point in things, I am going to pull another cut-and-run and break his heart more than it already has been. Thee fact that he is even with me and willing to trust me after what his last two ex's have put him through......... says a lot to me. I can't stand either one of them, yet as friends of his he still maintains contact. [Which I am okay with. Not okay with the way THEY are going about the contact...] Anyway, the last one he was with, the one he was with when we met, cheated on him [kissing and stuff, never done anything else] and not just once either. He gave her chance after chance to own up when he had SEVERAL friends as witnesses that go to the school she is at. And even when he had DOCUMENTED PROOF in pictures, 2 eye witnesses, on the last one, she STILL refused to own up and her story kept changing. Then finally it was that it DID happen but she didnt want to he pulled her towards him or some bull like that. Then later, when they were talking as friends, the story changed again. HE tried everything he could to fix a relationship he wasn't even entirely sure he wanted yet put forth FULL and ENTIRE effort into it, when honestly it should have been HER doing the fixing. And she didn't even take up on HIS efforts. The other one, she called him a bunch of names, put him down a lot, didnt even want to be around him or him call her, and he still tried to keep thngs working and do his hardest for her, for a year of her emotionally and mentally abusing him.
And yet, he trusted me enough that when a guy that I had once kissed in my single-dom was over here [my brother's girlfriends brother... He was here when I showed up] anyway, when I mentioned Claudia's brother was here, he got a bit quiet, and I asked him what was wrong. And he said, he didn't want to make me mad, it was just a thought, a stupid illogical thought, that popped in his head. I had a feeling it had something to do with the whole 'cheating' line of things, so I told him whatever it was he could tell me, it most likely wouldn't upset me or make me mad, and if it did then he needed to tell me anyway so we could discuss it. And he told me that "me sitting there with a guy that I had once ... yeah ... made him uncomfortable, and a thought popped into his head that what if I couldn't avoid any temptation"... Then he was like that he knows I'm not going to, that he can trust me, its just a touch of worry still there.
Sorry that one was so long...... I have a bit more bare with me.
Okay, when I broke up with my first ex, I started hanging out with my male neighbor more often and doing things with people. Being more social. Then, one night, when I was next door, we started messing around, kissing and him touching me... no sex, but he did finger me.... And so I was hanging around there a lot [not my best moment I'd say...] I had always been tied down to the one guy, the only one I had ever been with, had never drank or done pot or anything, so during this month I was sort of "experimenting..." Again not my best moment. Anyway, a guy I had a crush on in high school that was friends with my ex, called me and was wanting to hang out so I was like sure sounds fun. Then he asked me to date him when I got there, after having kissed and whatnot. I reallly didnt want to be in a committed tied down relationship, but I didnt want to tell him no, so I told him yes. And, this was the next day after I had just been at the neighbors house.. Anyway I was with him for a month, with him trying to get me to do sexual stuff with him all the time and me tlaking to him about it and him promising itd stop and it never stopping..... And I was still hanging out at the neighbors, only minus all the 'extras' going on... And then one day a friend of his brought a friend of HIS over... We got along REALLL well, we sort of flirted [not intentionally but], we had a little 'fight' over his Cowboys hat [both Cowboys fans!] and whatnot. But we both were in relationships. Granted, failing disintegrating ones, but still in ones regardless... [he was with the cheater at that time]. He added me on Myspace, and we talked a bit on Yahoo... Told each other about the problems we were having with our now-ex's... Were basically there for each other during all this. He never gave me advice directly on my issue, said he didn't want to influence me in any way, but he did once say that I deserve better than that. So, I ended up breaking things off with the ex the day after Thanksgiving.. I had just told him the day before that i didnt want things to be sexual between us, I wanted to try to build our relationship minus any of the 'extra' stuff, and he agreed to do it for me, then not even 2 hours later was trying to get me to do stuff. So I decided that was it for me. Then my current boyfriend broke up with his ex, after having given her chance after chance to defend and explain why she did what she did, and she just 'didnt know' or some thing like that.
We started dating two weeks later, he had told me he liked me 3 days after i broke up with my ex [unfortunately, his ex was avoiding his calls, had been all week... And it just sort of spilled out of him, the liking me part..] Anyways. Now here we are, me doubting it and myself...
And I think the real issue is that i am afraid of hurting him, even though he assures me i wont... And that if I did we'd work through it. problem is, I've never 'worked through' problems, never HAD to. Never had problems TO work through other than the last guy trying to pressure me and all... And I could have made that work if I had tried hard enough. Kept telling him to stop trying to do stuff, and stood up for myself rather than letting him get away with it for so long......... I don't know I just don't want to be the one that runs away from problems or ignores them.
Soooooooo sorry that was so long it was dying to all come out at once.................
Oh and, the neighbor thing? I had gone over there last night cuz i couldn't sleep [the friend I met my bf through was over there, and another guy.. And the neighbor was asleep] Anyway I ended up passing out watching TV, and woke up with the neighbor in the living room as well...... And was like, ahhhhh CRAP when did i fall asleep... I apologized to him [we're not on the best of terms, after me sort of....... bailing on him..... the way i did. but we still talk and are 'okay' enough] Anyway I was like, "I'm reallly sorry for, yknow, showin up like this... Didnt even mean to fall asleep". He just was like, hm yeah. So now, I'm trying to figure out how to tell my bf that it happened, or if I should at all. One, if I don't I am going to feel dishonest towards him, and two, his friend would mention it probably anyway.
So I just ughh. Things were never really resolved with the neighbor as well, but I'm not even dealing with that, probably ever.
Again sorry for the length.... It all poured out of me.
