catfeeder

While nobody can diagnose a stranger, your therapist may have characterized behaviors you confided as tendencies consistent with that disorder. And he or she may have done so to give you an answer you need to move forward. That is the closest you're ever going to get to this "understanding that he has a personality disorder...". So, good. You've got what you need, and so, what's next for you? You can't treat the guy. You can't fix him. You've been holding onto your fantasies about him for 8 years as some barrier to expanding the rest of your life. Why not take this as your liberation card to stop obsessing over the dude? Ask you therapist to form a treatment plan focused on cognitive behavioral therapy, where you start taking small baby steps toward healthy growth? This doesn't mean that you must join a hundred meetup groups and make 5 new friends a week in order to consider yourself healthy. Instead, you can start viewing yourself through a lens of potential and desire. You'll plan small actions for your week that enliven healthy parts of yourself. CBT is not limited to treating fears and phobias with emersion in the things that scare you, it incorporates behaving 'as though' you believe in your own blossoming. This will have you moving TOWARD something rather than languishing in a belief that you are stuck somewhere and must struggle to get away from it. Wasting 8 years doesn't mean there's any value to wasting one more day trying to figure out why someone else would waste HIS 8 years. He's got issues, those are his, not yours. You've got a therapist to help you walk forward toward a happier and more productive life. Don't compare yourself with anyone else. This is your path, and you get to decide how slowly or quickly you'll want to explore it to see where else it can take you. But the only way to do that is to start taking some steps. Head high, you can do this.

I would heed the cautions above about long distance dating. First, you don’t even know whether you’ll hit it off, and given the investment in fantasy plus the expense of travel, an attempt to force a fit is likely. Then there’s the vacation bubble thing. You’re not able to date under real life conditions that allow you both to learn about one another’s lifestyle, family, social life and interests beyond messaging. Time together doesn’t incorporate those challenges, it isolates you into a planned vacation bubble that adds to fantasy, but tells you zero about how well you’ll each operate together under normal conditions. Lastly, if all else goes well, it’ll come down to which of you are prepared to change locations in order to live more closely with the other. That’s a lot of pressure to put on one stranger given that most people are simply not our match. I’d suggest collapsing the scope of your dating app to meet local people with whom you can make realistic assessments through reasonably close and frequent dating. Life is tough enough, and dating is tough enough, without allowing fantasy to drive you into a financial hole over an illusory connection. That said, I wish you the best and hope that I’m wrong and this turns out wonderful for you.

I hear, and I agree with you that there is no need for urgency here. The context of this your job. Your work place. Your career and livelihood. I can appreciate putting professionalism above assertiveness in this case. If there is anything beyond a work buddy to be developed here, I credit you both for recognizing that in due course. So glad you shared this and met him.

What change happened 3 months ago that may have added stress to her life? Or possibly made her hurt or angry with you?

I re-scanned your post to see if you mentioned anywhere that you love her. Didn't find it. So you owe her the truth. As a go-forward, one way of handling money that works well to keep couples out of money fights is the three account method: His, Hers and Ours. You both create a budget together, then each contributes to the Ours account monthly according to an agreed percentage of income. So whoever earns more would contribute more, according to those percentages. The Ours account includes all shared expenses and investments. The remainder of one's income goes into one's own account, to be saved or spent as one wishes--without input or approval from the other. So each spends as they wish from their own accounts, and this can cover gifts to one's own extended family or any personal spends. This ensures that neither can accuse the other of 'wasting' money as long as the Ours account is satisfied.

You're living in your own head. Falling in love with a stranger on a screen means you don't have enough going on in real life to prevent such an unhealthy fantasy. This makes you ripe for catfishing and scams, and it prevents you from pursuing an active lifestyle that would expose you to real life opportunities for friendships and social support. I'd delete this dude, block him and make a plan with steps to invest in yourself in cultivating your own social life. Explore new interests out in the world and discover hidden talents. Involve yourself in community or family. If you can use some help and encouragement, consider working with a therapist to hold yourself accountable to someone with your best interests as a priority.

That's a vague thing to say. Did she give you any examples of what she meant by this? You gave this as an example, but it's missing a key ingredient. Did she explain what she means by this? I mean, I wouldn't take too kindly to a blanket statement that I'm being controlling or narcissistic with no example of WHICH of my behaviors they're characterizing this way. It's like saying "You're being a jerk, and it's up to you to figure out how..." Not helpful. Also, what's with her holding up boundaries on YOUR behavior? We can only form boundaries for ourselves, not someone else. (Attempting to do so IS controlling and narcissistic 😉 )

I understand. We've discussed your black and white thinking, and you're doing it here, when you raise only two extreme options; either total enmeshment where you feel engulfed and believe that that's a unique 'you' problem, OR a permanent flee. A simple tool called 'diffusion' can expand your focus beyond spinning into an unproductive drill OR running away. It's no insult from those of us who have raised expanding your focus onto other people. First, your posts never discuss your social life outside of the scope of this woman, so we have no way to know that your attachment isn't focused like a laser beam with no diffusion. It has sounded that way, and so our suggestions are perfectly reasonable. Second: diffusion is not avoidance--it's the balanced middle point between enmeshment and fleeing. Perfectly healthy people get exhausted from the intensity of an SO or any other person to whom we've been over-exposed. Hunkering down into suffocation is not exactly the best tool for resolution. Taking a breather to go shoot baskets or take a walk with someone else, or helping someone to clean out their garage, or whatever--these are healthy tools for 'normalizing'. It offers just enough distance to gain clarity, which can avoid a spin that drills you down into panic or keeps you floundering inside a perspective that is too close to your nose to see clearly.

One tip to consider if you want to make some work friends is to let the people around you know that at 3PM you'll be going for a walk around the outside of the building, weather permitting, if they'd like to join you to stretch their legs. You could let the guy know, too, in case he or any members of his team would like to join. I just stayed consisted with my 3PM, even alone. Then one or two started to join. Then a few more. And more. We ended up dividing into two groups, the turtles and the rabbits, depending on the pace people wished to go. Anyone could join at any point along our routes, and we made lots of new friends this way. HR heard about it and got everyone in the company pedometers. Twice annually, they sponsored a step contest for a full month. Top steppers won money or days off or whatever. It all started with a few walks.

Yes! Suffocation is a thing. With everyone who gets too tangled up with someone. That’s less a mental problem than a behavioral one. Your focus needs some liberation. Go make some other friends, and you’ll be surprised how quickly all this navel gazing will change.

That's a vague thing to say. Did she give you any examples of what she meant by this?

It's not a fail, it's part of a process. Just keep envisioning the freedom and confidence you will enjoy soon, and keep taking the next step in that direction. Decide that you are more important to yourself than him. Head high.

You've done the right thing by ending it, so it's not that you're not able. Keep giving yourself credit for that, and stop telling yourself that you can't. Allow yourself some grieving time each day, but schedule commitments with other people that you will not break. This will force you to stop living in your head, and it will help you to feel better and appreciated. Keep taking baby steps in the right direction.

I'm one of these people who screens on this subject prior to going into a new relationship. But only to a degree (I get the gray stuff). For instance, I learn through dating whether a man is still involved with an ex. If he tells me that they're still best friends, I thank him for his honesty, and that's our last date. If, like you, he's kept in touch during Covid or he still has a business relationship, or whatever, it's a case-by-case observation, but I'm not inclined to involve myself there. If he co-parents with an ex, then it's on me to observe over time whether their relationship is something I can live with. I'm inclined to be fine with even the friendliest of contact. It's the adversarial stuff I'd have doubts about, because to me, when couples aren't behaving as a good co-parenting team, it signals that one or both are using their kids as a battleground to continue their toxic attachment to the other. But once I clarify for myself the degree to which a potential lover is involved with an ex, one text would certainly not derail me, especially given that he's straight out told her that he's with me now. That's the thing that I would stress to your GF, but if she's still mistrustful, then you're not going to be able to fix this. There are two kinds of jealousy: the kind that's based on suspicious behaviors--but those are plural and raise concerns because the pattern of a person has become un-trust-worthy. The other kind of jealousy is the toxic stuff that someone brings into a new relationship and projects onto the new person. That's battery acid, and it signals that this person isn't relationship material. There is no proving a negative, and there is no reason to remain with a person who cannot offer you trust as a foundational aspect of a relationship. You'll never have that with someone who projects mistrust from their past onto you. That's stuff they need to be left to work through with a qualified therapist.

Great! So as a go forward, don't jump to self talk like 'mercurial," when just 'busy' is more accurate. She's into you enough to think of you and send you some updates, and this liberates you from any need to take the temperature of the relationship all the time. Relax into some mystery here and there, and enjOy!