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catfeeder

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catfeeder last won the day on March 19

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  1. Nobody here can say what you 'should' do. I can suggest, however, a focus on the future you envision for yourself. Does it include being bound to a partner who can't share his resources with you because he's too indebted to paying child support. He also can't share his free time with you, because he's trying to catch up with each of his children. If you want this, then here you are. If not, consider why your relationship with this guy was already problematic, and that might help you to walk away.
  2. Oh, dear, this is funny. It's a country so small, there might be someone who will recognize you... "Hay, that's Kim from down the street! I always thought she was a bit too friendly...." 🙂
  3. Yes, it certainly does. I can also appreciate the scale of ups and downs you're going through with this thread, and I admire your strength for staying open to the comments. I also think you will recognize during a time less charged that Bolt is being tenacious because she cares, and she's drawing on her personal experience to help rather than judge. @boltnrun, I didn't catch the post you wrote about below. Would you mind providing the topic title? Thanks, Cat
  4. Sure, if he scurries, he may just be in a hurry that day. Doesn’t mean he’s not open another time. I’m curious about this closed culture—what country is this? Every European or Scandinavian traveler I’ve known or read speaks of the generosity of the people, so I’m stumped to know whether it’s your culture that is cold, or whether that’s your personal perception through your lens of shyness? I live in a large complex with hundreds of units, and I’ve never met a neighbor who wasn’t happy, at some point, to share greetings and chats about their experiences, past or present, with work, pets, kids, travel, commutes, shopping, weather, moving, jobs or life in general. These topics are pretty universal, so I’m sure you’ll have no trouble drawing out some conversation with the new guy. Yay!
  5. You’ve catalogued past disapprovals of your Mom, and you still don’t get that most of them wouldn’t have occurred had you not been all up in her face with your business. People tend to find fault with one who suffocates them. She’s equally at fault for the enmeshment, yet you allow her too much access to you because it’s easier than launching yourself out into the world to find fulfilling interests and friends and a lover on your own. You’re doing the same thing with your second job. You’ve lived years without one, but now that you can hold it up as your excuse not to broaden your social life, you cling to it and complain about it, exactly as you do with your family. Yet you want us to believe that it’s everyone else who victimizes you, even while you hold the keys to your own liberation. You just won’t take the steps to climb out of the hole you’ve dug for yourself by expanding your own life. And if Mom’s approval is what you’re after, then acting like a jealous infant is not exactly pleasing her, is it? Use this as a wake up call to decathect from your mother and minimize the importance of what she serves at her own table. Go out and teach young people how to cook or garden, go tend to animals in a shelter, go work in a soup kitchen, go do something useful and beneficial to feel proud instead of holing up in the habit of making yourself feel like a worm.
  6. This would render the thing over for me. There's nowhere for it to go but worse.
  7. Talk about extremes, you go from a guy too far to one who's too close. Don't sleep where you live!! (kidding...) I think now that you're aware of him, you'll recognize him whenever your paths cross in surrounding areas. You'll likely sense at any given time whether he seems open to quick chat or is more hurried. You'll build some familiarity over time, and I have faith in you for good judgment. EnjOy!
  8. I love your story, FNO, and thank you for writing it here. Congrats on your baby. It sounds like you are doing the kind of work that is not only foundational for you, but in doing so, you're accessing the deep places that will make you a phenomenal and empathetic parent. I so hope you will continue commenting here. You have a gift.
  9. No need to be apologetic. We all learn by living. Your reflections are smart and self aware. I think the right guy for you will be lucky to meet you. Head high, and write more if it helps.
  10. If you can take a step back with some compassion, you might appreciate that your Mom wants to keep this woman close to avoid what she would view as 'losing' her son to her. She views this woman as a potential threat. You know, "...keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..." I would just regard this as a preview of the wonderful treatment your future fiancé will receive. Meanwhile, just calling you out for the martyr routine. You haven't 'given up' so much of your life for your family, you simply aren't interested enough in developing a happy social life beyond them--to the degree that your over-investment in them is unhealthy and stunting. But it's been your choice. You've said you love to cook. So? Make yourself and your Dad some 'real food' and bring it to family dinners as a generous contribution. Let Mom do what makes her happy, you do what makes you happy, and stop whining about your sister-in-law-ish. Your jealousy is unbecoming, and is serves no other purpose than to make you petty and miserable.
  11. It's a continuation of what you played out during your developmental years, including your earliest and preverbal ones. It's the dance you learned to do, and it's your imprint for 'love'. It's ingrained, and certain unconscious vibes will resonate with you as your opportunity to continue the dance and have it play out better this time. It's looking for the win and confusing that with healing.
  12. I'm so relieved to hear of your wise choice, RR. While I do believe that some people can change to varying degrees, when clarifying what is on the line, and it's your life, your person, the visions you hold for your future, and possibly those visions of your future child or children, I'm happy to know that you view all of this as far, far too valuable to gamble. While I've done some grant writing work for domestic violence agencies, my main area of focus was a drug and alcohol counselor training agency. I worked with many counselors who were, themselves, in recovery. One impressed me by commenting that she didn't view any biases about her past as societal punishment, but rather, she viewed her past behavior as having natural and lasting consequences. Regardless of the good works or reparations or length of time in recovery that any good person may perform or serve today, none of this erases the building blocks of one's past as though they were inconsequential. Some of those consequences are that they will clearly not make a good romantic partner for certain people. This can be for any number of reasons, but others do NOT bear a responsibility to pretend that this is not true. Head high, and I'm sorry the dating has been frustrating lately. A rest may do you wonders, and ya never know who you might meet. 🙂
  13. Consider contacting the human services department of your local hospital, and ask for a referral to a case worker and any available experts or groups that offer counseling for domestic violence prevention. Between your need to leave your family and your premature move in with your BF, you may be an eligible candidate for help and resources that may help you to move to a safe place. My heart goes out to you, and please write more if it helps.
  14. I wouldn't see him again. I've got plenty of friends, and I have no trouble making more friends with people who aren't trying to sleep with me.
  15. I would make this less about him, less about 'proof,' and more about ME and how I want to live. I could not envision a future of carrying around a hard pit in my stomach because I already know that I can't bring myself to trust someone who has shown me his capacity for disloyalty. You do you, but I wouldn't stay in this thing for another minute.
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