catfeeder

That's a vague thing to say. Did she give you any examples of what she meant by this? You gave this as an example, but it's missing a key ingredient. Did she explain what she means by this? I mean, I wouldn't take too kindly to a blanket statement that I'm being controlling or narcissistic with no example of WHICH of my behaviors they're characterizing this way. It's like saying "You're being a jerk, and it's up to you to figure out how..." Not helpful. Also, what's with her holding up boundaries on YOUR behavior? We can only form boundaries for ourselves, not someone else. (Attempting to do so IS controlling and narcissistic 😉 )

I understand. We've discussed your black and white thinking, and you're doing it here, when you raise only two extreme options; either total enmeshment where you feel engulfed and believe that that's a unique 'you' problem, OR a permanent flee. A simple tool called 'diffusion' can expand your focus beyond spinning into an unproductive drill OR running away. It's no insult from those of us who have raised expanding your focus onto other people. First, your posts never discuss your social life outside of the scope of this woman, so we have no way to know that your attachment isn't focused like a laser beam with no diffusion. It has sounded that way, and so our suggestions are perfectly reasonable. Second: diffusion is not avoidance--it's the balanced middle point between enmeshment and fleeing. Perfectly healthy people get exhausted from the intensity of an SO or any other person to whom we've been over-exposed. Hunkering down into suffocation is not exactly the best tool for resolution. Taking a breather to go shoot baskets or take a walk with someone else, or helping someone to clean out their garage, or whatever--these are healthy tools for 'normalizing'. It offers just enough distance to gain clarity, which can avoid a spin that drills you down into panic or keeps you floundering inside a perspective that is too close to your nose to see clearly.

One tip to consider if you want to make some work friends is to let the people around you know that at 3PM you'll be going for a walk around the outside of the building, weather permitting, if they'd like to join you to stretch their legs. You could let the guy know, too, in case he or any members of his team would like to join. I just stayed consisted with my 3PM, even alone. Then one or two started to join. Then a few more. And more. We ended up dividing into two groups, the turtles and the rabbits, depending on the pace people wished to go. Anyone could join at any point along our routes, and we made lots of new friends this way. HR heard about it and got everyone in the company pedometers. Twice annually, they sponsored a step contest for a full month. Top steppers won money or days off or whatever. It all started with a few walks.

Yes! Suffocation is a thing. With everyone who gets too tangled up with someone. That’s less a mental problem than a behavioral one. Your focus needs some liberation. Go make some other friends, and you’ll be surprised how quickly all this navel gazing will change.

That's a vague thing to say. Did she give you any examples of what she meant by this?

It's not a fail, it's part of a process. Just keep envisioning the freedom and confidence you will enjoy soon, and keep taking the next step in that direction. Decide that you are more important to yourself than him. Head high.

You've done the right thing by ending it, so it's not that you're not able. Keep giving yourself credit for that, and stop telling yourself that you can't. Allow yourself some grieving time each day, but schedule commitments with other people that you will not break. This will force you to stop living in your head, and it will help you to feel better and appreciated. Keep taking baby steps in the right direction.

I'm one of these people who screens on this subject prior to going into a new relationship. But only to a degree (I get the gray stuff). For instance, I learn through dating whether a man is still involved with an ex. If he tells me that they're still best friends, I thank him for his honesty, and that's our last date. If, like you, he's kept in touch during Covid or he still has a business relationship, or whatever, it's a case-by-case observation, but I'm not inclined to involve myself there. If he co-parents with an ex, then it's on me to observe over time whether their relationship is something I can live with. I'm inclined to be fine with even the friendliest of contact. It's the adversarial stuff I'd have doubts about, because to me, when couples aren't behaving as a good co-parenting team, it signals that one or both are using their kids as a battleground to continue their toxic attachment to the other. But once I clarify for myself the degree to which a potential lover is involved with an ex, one text would certainly not derail me, especially given that he's straight out told her that he's with me now. That's the thing that I would stress to your GF, but if she's still mistrustful, then you're not going to be able to fix this. There are two kinds of jealousy: the kind that's based on suspicious behaviors--but those are plural and raise concerns because the pattern of a person has become un-trust-worthy. The other kind of jealousy is the toxic stuff that someone brings into a new relationship and projects onto the new person. That's battery acid, and it signals that this person isn't relationship material. There is no proving a negative, and there is no reason to remain with a person who cannot offer you trust as a foundational aspect of a relationship. You'll never have that with someone who projects mistrust from their past onto you. That's stuff they need to be left to work through with a qualified therapist.

Great! So as a go forward, don't jump to self talk like 'mercurial," when just 'busy' is more accurate. She's into you enough to think of you and send you some updates, and this liberates you from any need to take the temperature of the relationship all the time. Relax into some mystery here and there, and enjOy!

This could involve calling a suicide prevention hotline on the Internet. Not to be talked out of it, exactly, because many of the people who volunteer there have been in your shoes and they understand the futility it trying to do that. But rather, learning more about the person or people who do that work, and learning what they can offer you in terms of their own experience. Maybe they found a way to help other people who are going through the same thing, and this allowed them to bridge each day until they found a passion for something that kept them interested in learning how they might impact something important to them. While nobody here can claim that we could unlock that in you, it doesn't mean that we don't care about you.

I think twice every day is too much. It's hovering. I'd dial that down to once a day, then every other day. This allows her to fill in the gaps if she so desires, and if not, I'd drop yet another day. This allows you to learn the pace at which she's comfortable. It also makes room for the fact that the intensity bubble around new dating gets popped as the real world must pour back into our lives. If we don't have enough going on with the rest of our lives, that's kinda creepy. You raised the word 'mutual' and I think it's a good one, along with reciprocity. Making room for these is not a game. Learning a reasonable pace is valuable. If you're too proactive you prevent yourself from learning valuable information about the other, and you don't allow yourself to diffuse your focus to tend to other important aspects of your life.

Haaaah! That's so funny, it's how I view vacation romances. Once that vacay bubble is popped we see people come here all the time complaining that the other person isn't so into them. Wul? They're thousands of miles away from you living their real life.

It means that you told him you didn't expect an answer, and he agreed not to give you one. Don't say one thing if you really mean another. Either follow through on your words and leave him alone about this, or bother him for an answer and make yourself look like a hypocrite.

Sounds like a combo plate: she's trying to weave into the rest of her life while you're being too intense. I'd back off and get some air while respecting that she needs to do the same.

I would mitigate the worry about learning of ex being with someone else by assuming that he's already with someone else. So, where to go from there? I can stop the rumination. It's done--he's with someone else, and I can move beyond moping and get on with my life. Give it a shot.