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Jester1586

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  1. Had a dream about her last night. She was dating another guy in it. Having a great time. I woke up, and it didn't bother me. Sure, I miss her like hell, but I truly just want her to be happy. If it's not with me, so be it. Hopefully it is me though. Anyways, thinking on it, I feel like I want to call her just to talk to her. Not about us, just about how she's been, and how her classes ended, just everything. I miss just talking to her about anything. Maybe I can do the friends thing now, but I'll wait. For now anyway, at least until after the holidays. One day at a time...
  2. Good day. I think of her a bit now and then, but it doesn't really pain me much anymore. I think I'm starting to move on. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be with her, but I'm feeling a lot better.
  3. I missed my post for yesterday, but nothing really happened. I worked, and slept in, saw some friends. Overall a good day. Today though, started good, ended badly. Saw some friends for a few drinks and dinner, the conversation turned to my personal life. I had a one on one conversation with a friend who I hadn't seen a while, and he was asking about my ex. He thought we were still together. Wasn't really bad, or anything, but it sprung her to the top of my mind, and I've had her in my thoughts ever sense. I actually almost called her on my way home. I put her number in my phone, but quickly hung up. I need to be stronger. She added me as a friend on Facebook as well. Funny, as I sent her a friend request over a month ago right before we broke up, and I know she uses that site, as well as Myspace all the time. She's what you'd call an addict. When she never accepted my invite, I figured she never would, and I got an E-Mail from it this evening saying she accepted it. I'm curious as to why now. I'm coming down off my thoughts now, and my mind is back to where it needs to be again. Tomorrow should go smoothly. Football and work, all day. No room for my thoughts to really wander to far, so let's hope. I hope everyone else is having good luck during this holiday season. Much love to everyone in their life.
  4. Seems to be getting easier and easier now. I'm surprised at how fast I'm starting to feel better. I still want to stay with her, but the thought of not being with her anymore doesn't haunt me anymore. I just want to be with her. I don't necessarily need her though.
  5. Double digits! I'm very proud of myself! Today was a great day. In fact, I don't recall thinking of her once, expect one time at work when I made a comment about getting seasonal stuff in for Valentine's Day in already, and it started a big discussion about what people thought of the holiday, as well as Sweetest Day. In fact, I didn't think of her until I was asked what I got for my "girlfriend" last Valentine's. No sadness though. Other then that, I didn't think of her until now, when I got on here. Nothing bad though. I think I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
  6. Nine? Wow, it feels like it's been a lot longer. The days seem to drag by right now. I always feel like I have a cloud hanging over my head. Today was good though. I thought about her, but I thought about why she wouldn't tell me about her feelings instead of just ignoring me when I noticed something wrong. She made me believe I was imagining it, only to just spring it all on me and break up. I really think we'd still be together if she had been able to just tell me what was up. We could've talked through this, it was nothing in compared to a lot of what we went through. Work went fast today at least. I didn't think of her much there. Finals tomorrow, as well as work, lots of sleep hopefully. Should be a good day...
  7. Meh day. I miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss my best friend... I really wish I could just talk to her, but I can't. It hurts so much knowing she may never be here again. I'm trying so hard to get over this. Sigh. The days are going by faster now, but I miss her more and more each day. I just want it back.
  8. Well, despite my plans of seeing friends all day not going through, it was still a fun day. Sat around watching football all afternoon, caught up on my sleep, and just enjoyed myself. Aside from being a tad sick from dinner last night, and a stomach ache most of the morning, it was good. Worked tonight, which kept me busy. Got home an hour ago, and checked my Myspace, and what did I find? I message from my ex! Stunned to say the least, I had no idea she'd contact me. What was it? Well, just a reply to a message I wrote just before I started no contact. Here it is if you're interested: "I don't really know what to say. I understand, though. I know that it's hard and I will respect what you have decided, as well. If you change your mind, though, let me know. I'll always be here to be your friend and to talk." Nothing about getting back together. Shucks. Still wants to be friends, and is saddened that I don't. That was what I wrote her, just telling her I can't do the friends thing, and need to go my own way for now. I honestly never expected her to reply when I sent it. I'm even more surprised that she replied about two weeks after she got it. I know she got it the day I sent it, Myspace has a way of telling you if someone read a message you sent them. I guess that means she's been thinking of me, and not talking to me is getting to her a least a little bit. Obviously, I'm not going to reply. She made no comment about getting back together, and that's what I want. Really nothing more I can add that I haven't already said, and my mind hasn't changed, no need to tell her again. She'll know I'm serious when she doesn't see me reply. I really feel like I'm getting better though. Whenever I think about her, I don't get sad anymore. It's only been a few weeks, but I lived without her before, and I can do it without her now, I'd just rather have her in my life, as it feels better, but I can survive without her, and it's nice to realize that. I hope everyone else had good days too.
  9. Good day in terms of emotions. Again. That's like three straight. Alright day overall in terms of my life though. Car accident, I'm fine though. I wasn't actually in the car when it happened, but my car was hit, and the damage is severe. It got my mind off her. Having to deal with insurance and everything. At least for a few hours. Also went out tonight. Some girls I work with. Not a date in any sense of the word, just a group thing to the movies. Saw Twilight. Meh. Made me think of her, as she's obsessed with that book series, and I know she's seen it like four times already. I didn't care for it, but I really didn't focus on it. Just a night put. Ended with going back to a friends for a few drinks and then home for bed. Tomorrow should be easy. Out all afternoon to watch football with the guys, then work at 10pm. My mind shouldn't wander to much, but it seems like when I'm occupied, my mind does wander, and when I'm alone and bored, I'm happy. Weird, but hopefully it's a good day too. I'm really getting used to not talking to her. Part of me wants to contact her to tell her that it's all or nothing from here on out. She either gets back with me, or I'm out of her life for good, but I don't want to burn that bridge yet. I'm sure I'll hear from her around Christmas, just not sure what it is I'll hear. We'll deal with that in a few weeks though.
  10. Horrible dream last night. I dreamt of her and another guy. Namely the guy who was trying to steal her away from me during our relationship. And the dream. Well, the dream was extremely vivid. I'd rather not go into detail as I don't want to even think about some of what I envisioned, but the mere thought of what I saw was enough to wake me in tears. I laid awake for an hour, just wanting to call her to see if it was a reality, but I didn't. Part of me knows she's not over me and wouldn't rebound that fast, and the other part of me doesn't want to know the truth in case it is true. Needless to say, when I fell back asleep I fell right back into a similar dream with another guy. I really hope it doesn't happen again tonight. Today though, wasn't hard at all. I thought about her a lot, but again, it wasn't painful. I guess just the idea of her with another guy really hurts now. I know it's only been five days on here, and just over a week in actual no contact, but I feel like I'm really making strides. I'm recognizing my flaws, and I'm living without her. Still a long way to go though. I know I'm not healthy enough to contact her, and probably not talk to her if she did contact me. Just taking it one day at a time...
  11. Today was a good day. I remained busy almost all day, and I worked, which generally keeps my attention. Some days we're slow and my mind wanders, but today I didn't get the chance. I honestly don't think I thought about her more than twice today, and each time the thoughts didn't depress me. They were more of a "I hope she's doing alright" type thoughts. I really just hope she's happy, as that's the most important thing. She was depressed, which was the main reason for the break-up, and I want her to get over it, so she can be happy. I'd like it to lead to us getting back together, but if we don't, at least she'll be happier. Now I'm sad... I just really miss her.
  12. I thought about her almost all day again today, but I felt a lot better today that I did yesterday. My thought today were thoughts about why our relationship ended, and what it meant. I'm fairly certain the number one reason she wanted to end it and the cause of why she got depressed in the first place, was the loss of her grandmother during the spring. Her family is extremely close, and the reason why I'd be the one to move down to be with her, instead of her moving to be with me. She took the loss extremely hard, which was expected, but the fact that I wasn't able to fly or drive down to be with her during that troubling time, caused her to feel alone. Don't the wrong idea though, I wanted more than anything to be next to her through that experience, it was just the worst possible timing in the world. I was swamped at work, and with school. I had no money to afford to fly down there, and my car was in the shop with engine trouble so I couldn't drive anywhere. By the time I finally got down to she her, the damage was done, and I felt her change a little bit, but she never came out and told me what was bothering her, no matter how often I asked. Eventually, after we broke up, I wrote her a message asking why she was depressed, and that was part of the answer she gave me. Said stuff like she knew I couldn't be there every time she had a bad day, but she always found herself expecting me to be there to hold her every time she needed me too, and every time I wasn't there, it hurt her more. So she had to end it, because she didn't want to feel like she needed me to be emotionally responsible for her, when I couldn't physically do it for her, no matter how often I talked to her on the phone. I was always there for her, but not always physically there. I guess that's the number one reason long distance relationships are so hard. The other reason I think she wanted to break up was because we had broken up once before in the past. About two months after we started dating, I called her up to end it. I was feeling things for her that scared me. I'd never felt that way, and I didn't want to fall for anyone then. Especially someone over 500 miles away. I had just finished getting over my first long term relationship, so I was afraid I was just using her, and I didn't want to lead her on. After five or six weeks of being apart I realized I still wanted to be with her, and we talked, and got back together. She told me after we broke up two weeks ago that she never really forgave me for breaking her heart two years before that. And that she never got over the pain. That surprised me though, as I had no idea, and she never once mentioned it. I partly think she doesn't mean that, because I can't believe she wouldn't have mentioned it before in the two years since we got back together. Just thinking about why we broke up, it kind of makes me feel a little better. There's really nothing I could have done to make it better. If she was feeling alone and depressed, me seeing her would cheer her up for a week or so, but as soon as I returned home, she'd just be as depressed, if not more so. I went on Myspace today for the first time since I sent her my last message. I don't know exactly why I went on there, I told myself I wanted to hear a song, but I could find it anywhere. I think deep down I wanted to see if she'd replied to the message I sent her a week ago. She hadn't. I clicked on her page for some reason, and what I saw surprised me. She still has me as her #1 friend on her top friends list, even after changing her relationship status to single. I had expected to be off there, or at least behind her best friend. Honestly, it made me very happy to see that. Maybe I'm reading to much into it, but it makes me think she's not ready for this to be over, just needs her space for the time being. I was quickly off her page, as I knew where it would lead. I'd eventually be looking at her pictures, or sending her a comment, and undoing everything Ive been trying to do. Which is to learn to be able to live without her if she truly doesn't want to stay with me. I don't think my feelings for her will ever change, and quite frankly I don't really want them too. I never want to forget the impact she had on my life. I've become a better man having been with her, and I'm forever thankful she entered my life. I just hope she'll remain in my life forever. Aside from realizing the things that, in my mind, caused the break-up, I thought up my three biggest relationship flaws. The first I talked about in my last post. Me being jealous of her relationship with her guy friends. That one is fixable, just needs to be a conscious effort to not be so possessive. I know I can do it. The other two, also seem fixable. The second is my attentiveness. When we'd talk on the phone, I never seemed to want to say anything, despite my urging that we needed to speak more. I'd always limit myself to one word answers. Like 'yes', 'sure', 'uh huh', etc. I have no excuse for that. Sometimes I was tired, or doing something else, but that's not good enough. I should be able to say more than 'cool' when she told me about her day. She deserved more than that. This might also attributed to her feeling alone all the time. If I couldn't give her the attention she deserved. The third flaw was that I put way to much emphasis on our physical relationship. We'd see each other for like a week or so every three or four months, and it seemed like whenever we were alone I would try and engage our physical relationship. I never lent us to just sit and relax, lay next to each other, or watch a movie. Not seeing her all the time, and just talking on the phone, I kept building up sexual urges to have her, so when I finally saw her, I couldn't control it. She never once said no, and I know she enjoyed it, but she had mentioned before that she wanted to do more than just that. After that moment, I tried controlling myself more, and it worked when we saw each other. It made the times we did do stuff seem more special, and it gave us time to just be alone together and relax, but then my urges would explode when I was away from her, so I'd try and get her to talk dirty on the phone, or something. So at the end of the relationship, over half of our phone conversations were of me being horny, or of me not really giving her the attention she needed. It's no wonder she felt alone. So here I am. I know the three things I need to improve on the most. I'm sure I have a few other flaws, we all do, but I got some to work on for now. She gets the space she needs while I fix myself as well. I also think this holiday season will work into us staying together as well. Every Christmas has involved me being there for about three weeks. Her parents always invited me down, and encourage me to stay as long as my job would allow me time off. I know I'll feel like crap not seeing her for the New Year this time, but I'm sure she'll miss me as well. I'm still debating on if I should send her a gift this year. I was thinking some flowers if I decided to go through with it. Nothing to big, just something to show she's in my thoughts, and that I miss her. I'll cross that bridge in a few weeks though. Right now is about me.
  13. This was a bad day for me. I woke up early to get some lunch with a friend, but he canceled at the last minute. I didn't work until 10pm and I had nothing else to do but sit around my house for 10 hours. I tried staying busy, but eventually I found myself at my computer writing her a lengthy e-mail detailing everything I want to say to her. When I finished, I sat there and stared at my computer screen, and then closed the window, deleting everything. I'm very happy I didn't end up sending that letter. A few good things came out of this experience though. In the letter I wrote about most of my faults, and how I need to change. I'm naturally a jealous guy when it comes to relationships, and being in a long distance one only makes it harder. I honestly trust her very much, but I get jealous of her friends, mostly her guy friends, how get to see her all the time. I guess that's natural in my situation though, and I know she felt the same way a lot of the time, but what I did that was wrong, was I gave her a hard time about it. I'd call her while she was out, and get mad when she couldn't talk to me for how long I wanted to talk to her. That's one thing I need to change about myself in order for any relationship to work, and I'm going to try. The main reason I was like that though was because one of her guy friends had asked her out while we were dating. She turned him down of course, told me about it, and then continued to see him all the time. Obviously I got annoyed with this guy. I wasn't mad at her, but when she was out with him, I got all protective and started checking up on her all the time. Aside from that, I thought about her almost all day. Even while I was working. So much stuff reminds me of her. Someone innocently brought up the University of Tennessee football team, and I immediately replied with "my girlfriend goes there", and then sunk into a sort of depression. This happened about five times tonight. Even the smallest things, like a song on the radio, bring up vivid memories of me singing to her in the car. I want nothing more than to be with her. I know she'd stay with me if I could prove I was serious about moving down to be with her. Only problem is I can't prove it. All I can do is say it, and hope she believes. After two years of telling her that though, I don't think she believes anymore. And here I am asking for a third year of waiting. If she loves me though, shouldn't she be able to wait for me? If she was truthful about what she said when we broke up, that a long distance relationship was to hard to handle, and she sunk into a depression about not seeing me everyday. Wouldn't that lead you to believe that she still loves and wants to be with me, just can't handle it at the moment? She asked for space to get back to being herself, and to get out of her depression, which is why I started no contact. To hopefully allow her the time to get to where she needs to be, mentally, and to help myself learn to change my faults. And hopefully to instill in her that she misses me a lot, and needs me around. It sounds good in theory, but everyday I go without talking to her, I hurt more. I can't help but think she's learning to move on and ultimately not want to be with me.
  14. First, a little background. Broke up with my long distance girlfriend of over two years a couple weeks ago. She called me up, asking for a break, and a week later, asked for a break up. Her reasoning was she was tired of not seeing me, and feeling all depressed about being alone around her friends who all have a partner. Told me that if I could move there "tomorrow" we could stay together, but its to hard this way. Still loves me, just needs time to get back to being her normal happy self. I, of course, did the begging. I really want to spend my life with her. I plan to move down there in about a year after I finish school and save up some money. She's the girl I want to marry. Anyways, I agreed to be friends, but I can't handle it anymore. Every time I speak to her, I always seem to try and sway the conversation back to the relationship, and I always look for a way to make her take me back. So I just stopped talking. I sent her a message detailing my thoughts, and that was the last I contacted her. A week ago. Since then I've only gotten a "Happy Thanksgiving", and a playful Myspace comment. Not even a response to my message, but I didn't really expect one there. I'm ready to start this experiment. I've been NC for a week now, but this is officially Day One of the one month period. No phone calls. No text messages. No contact at all. So here we go... I still see hope for my relationship, and that's what kills me the most. It doesn't make sense to me why she'd want to break up if she truly loved me and wanted to live with me. No matter how hard it was. I think about her all the time, and I want to fight for what we had, because the thought of losing it haunts me. I've been in many relationships, but this one was different. I've felt things I've never felt for someone. Ever. She's changed me in a way I never thought I could change. And all for the better. I worked a nine hour shift tonight, and I thought of her for about seven hours of it. Just picturing her smile. I saw a movie she liked in the Electronic department, and I remembered going to the movies to see it with her. Holding her next to me with my arm over her shoulder. I thought about calling her tomorrow to tell her how I felt. Again. I've talked myself out of it. She knows. And she'll contact me. I know she will. But I keep having doubts I may never hold her again. I thought about sending her a message saying I couldn't be friends and I needed time to myself, but I can't now. I haven't done anything to contact her in a week, she should know by now. I just can't shake the thought that she'll see me avoiding her as me not loving her or wanting her in my life, so she'll not bother to contact me. But I can't tell her that, because it defeats the entire purpose of this. I'm using this as a tool to hopefully get her back, but if it doesn't work, hopefully I learn to live without her and I can move on. I just can't see my life without her in it...
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