strippyshirtman

Montelesa says: "I agree with you---the passionate, intense ones seem to just want something physical and the ones who want relationships have very little passion. " that is simply not true. i am passionate and intense (probably too intense), yet i also long so a meaningful expansive relationship. sure, often the ones who want a relationship tend to be more introverted (quieter, not so outgoing; certainly not so arrogant), but this does not make them less passionate and intense. quite the opposite. they are the ones who want to direct their energies toward to that special person (you); passions that have build up waiting for special person to love and be loved. it's not always "romantic". life never is. but it can have momnets of excitement and passion and intensity. and they're likely to remember lots of little things about you, things you love. it's likely that there's a degree of physicality. there ususally are in most relationships but the physical is a relection of a the relationship you (plural) will already have. they're not likely to leave you the next morning either. they want you as much as you want them, but they might not push it; letting you decide, not feeling confortable "forcing" the issue.

wow! that made me think, what is the difference between "dating" and "being in a relationship"? i always felt they were synomonous: if you are dating then you are in a relationship. (maybe it's a cultural understanding). i would be interested to get perspectives following on from that, when do you consider the time to express the desire to "begin a relationship"?

this might sound odd coming from me. i'm 32, but have never been in a relationship. so what can i poss. contribute? what i do have are some close friends in very strong marriages/relationships. if i asked those friends when they first began their relationship whether they had met their soulmate, perhaps one or two might say yes. if i ask now, i'm certain that mostly everyone would agree that they are with their soulmate now. so what's the difference? dedication and time and a mutual giving and hard work. love is as much an action as a feeling. of course this isn't easy, and you can't be blamed for a cheating partner (unless you neglect/abuse them). everyone has different relational needs. some are more obvious. some partners are more able to fulfill those needs immediately. sometimes we're more receptive to someone who possesses certain qualities that we desire. for these reasons people appear to be our soulmates. there are, of course, instances where two people are well suited, and they manage to fulfill each other's dreams. but this isn't that often. returning to my first point: in a relationship where each partner is dedicated to hard work and mutual giving, i see these relationships, much more often than not, are incredibly resilient to disappointment and grief (in one of my closest friendships, cancer and infertility). they also tend to be more able to love those around them. and yes, they become each other's soulmate. their soulmate didn't land on their plate. they struggled to develop such a relationship. i don't believe anything could compare to those relatioships. are there dissagreements? sure. a soulmate isn't someone who placates to your every desire (in fact that's more of a warning than anything else). but they will try to help you become all you can be. and it's a mtutal thing. when you love you tend to want to give. so, do i think soulmates are real? yes. but much more through effort than fairy wishes. love, afterall is an action as much, if not more, than it is a feeling. ask any parent.

i don't know that i can really give any useful "advise" . this link has some useful stuff: (Home > Forums > Emotions and Feelings>Does anybody else in here feel the way I do?) okay, admittedly i posted one reply, but other responses are good (not that mine isn't). basically, sometimes there doesn't seem to be any reason why. i know that dosen't really help, except to say that it's not necessarily something you're doing wrong. there is no magic pill. trust me on this (32, attractive, no g/f)

what calsus says is so true; about enjoying your life. do this stuff because it's what you want to do, to have an enjoyable life: languages, travel, food, films, music, what ever. but i do know that so much of that seems so empty when you don't have anyone to share your joy and excitement with. it's easy to say "enjoy it for you own sake". and whilst that is certainly true, there is that point where i know i feel, "but whats the point?" and sometimes that's a pointed and painful question. i don't know if there is any obvious answer; certainly no magic pill. a few points to make: 1) friendships and aquantances are really important. they don't usually have the time/intimacy factor of a close relationship, but do contribute to the value and rishness of your life. i have found that I have developed some meaningful friendships with people i just would never have guessed. (maybe in part because there are qualities in myself that i don't recognise/value). cherish any such moment. 2) i'm increasingly coming to the point of beleiving we've been sold such a load of crap about relationships: that we all need them, that we're nothing with out them, that if we're not getting any then we're worth nothing. it's bad enough here (NZ). i don't know how people in the US cope (with valentines since primary/elementary school; if you never get any, what does that repeatedlly tell you about yourself). and yet that message is such a part of our subconscious as a culture that we dump upon others (those without) and ourselves, feel ourselves to be inferior somehow. i want to congradualte you. you know what you want in a relatioship, and you have't dived into a destructive relationship to try and meet those needs (which are mostly, by te way, essential to our wellbeing, especially touch). you might say "so what, there just wasn't a a relatioship there". yet there are just so many people who are in destructive relationships because they find don't feel able to cope by themselves (just read these forums). it's not easy being by yourself. i've never had a g/f either. 3) have you considered doing something like Volunteer Service Abroad. i don't know about you, but for me this whole empty relatioship space has lead me to question what things are really about, and fuelled a desire to do something more with my life. (you've mentioned church, so i guess you have some belief in sense of spiritual quality. that could be doing something you really enjoy/are good at, in an environment where your experince counts for much more than linning your companies pockets). i dont know if these ideas are helpful too you. i have noticed my own responses, as well intentionaed as they are, often miss a little on empathy. i don't know if i can articulate my empathy or compassion for you (in fact i'm sure that i can't). i do know that this is perhaps one of the most difficult times in your life. and i know it seems as though it will never end. (i am at a very similar point). cry, yell, scream, kick the door; do whatever you need to help with your wellbeing. i don't know if anything can lessen the pain and abandonment you might feel. if you want to you can PM me. i don't really know whether i can give you advice, but i do have a deep understanding of where you're coming from. i know this might seem third-rate, but seeing a councillor/therapist can really help. i've been seeing one for some time now, simply because i don't have the kind of ongoing support i need at times. he's my paid friend. the key is to find someone you get along with. often someone of a similar age is often good, or someone who reminds you of someone you like.

sure i can appreciate a tidy bikini line. but why is having no bush so attractive? and as for landing strips...they seem to be the worse of both worlds. couldn't a little tactful trimming be enough. me, personally, i love a bit of bush. it's so lush and much more fragrant. mainly it's just so much more natural. and nature, to me anyway, is beauty. it just seems so much more...womanly...mature. in fact i'd be trying to convince her to keep it. (yes, i also appreciate a little underarm hair. no, i'm not a hippy)

intersting. he seems somewhat the bohemian -- the romantic artistic type. would you describe yourself as "normal": dress like your friends, share the same musical tastes, etc? it could well be that he [weird guys ingeneral] represent (subconsciously) something that you've always avoided (because it's not popular just, you know, weird"), but it's within you, under the surface. it's not a new idea.. what is imporant to realise is that perhaps you could investigate some of his intersts yourself; away from the comments of your friends. e.g. find out what music he likes (types/styles) and listen too it. don't tink be too quick to dismiss it (unless you find the content/feel really disturbs you; not just makes you feel a bit uncomfortable/unfamiliar trust your insincts on that). try other things as well: authors, food, etc. look beyound Cleo, cosmopolitan, or what ever magazines you read. possibly you might not like his interests entirely (don't expect to be a carbon copy oof his likes), but you might find ideas and books and music and food and art on the way that you like. your friends might turn their nose up at you; they might not. don't ket go of everything you know at present, straight away. if you like somethig keep it. if you have it just because it's popular, admit you probably didn't like it anyway. an all of this you might find that your circle of interests is really much broader than you ever imagined. another aspect is that these guys have qualities that you admire, but you're just not famialr with. e.g. reading intellectual ideas for pleasure. he's romatic, passionate even, but not smulchy, intelligent, but not a nerd, creative, imaginative, quite whilst you're loud. he could bring alot of balance and excitement into your life; kindle passions you never new existed. helping you to learn new things about yourself (like maybe learning how to be quieter. there is valuable in that). there could be costs. loosing friends and popularity, for example. how many weird guys make it to be class president, or are invited to "the best parties"? not many. but does that count for anythig if you have a meaningful and exciting life. perhaps. it's your call. one more thing: take your time. he's probably in no rush. he could also be a bit anxious. allow him that

now i find this whole shyness thing really interesting, in that i like myself, really genuinely care about and enjoy my ow company (i've had to learn to enjoy it after spending most of my life alone). and now i can say that i really appreciate my own company; appreciate myself. there are just so many things i enjoy about myself. i'm not talking about conceit here. i'd love to enjoy the company of other someone who is enthused by their own personality as well. where i struggle is that i don't see any opportunity to share that enthusiasm. so after some time i start to feel quite depressed. not because i don't like myself, understand (because i do, immensely), but because i have no one to sharethat joy with. i have to say that i am shy initially, and it does take a degree of enthusiasm from someone els to feel connected. and i do struggle with small talk (it seems just so meaningless) because i have no idea about sport or cars or celebs (that bores me senseless) . i want to wade into profound conversation (now that's probably to intense), or to be inanely silly. i like "playfull", but it's hard to be when you don't know the person. and i get the sense that fishing for approaches gives off the "desperate." signal. anyway the point is, some people are still shy, even though they do have quite a developed sense of self worth, certainly a balanced self-knowledge.

now this may seem fairly obvious to some, but i'm really struggling with being able to balance my relational/intimacy needs with the need to complete my study. this is the last year of my B.Ddesign, and it's going to be a pretty frenetic exciting time. i know now, before even beginning, that beginning a relationship is quite out of the question, to be fair to myself, and to any interested parties. i'm tying to make a deal with myself: no pursuing relationships this year. even if someone does show interest try to develop a friendship. this has often been my ideal. but i know that as soon as someone comes along i'll just melt. i do know that friendships are by far the best way for me to get to know someone, but the reality is that although my friends are amazing, i only have a couple of really close friends locally (i'm quite introverted), and the circles i move in are quite settled (i'm the only person i know who is not married). tech (college) is made up of much younger people (i'm 32.5), who whilst being great fun aren't really appropriately close. hence two reoccurring themes: a) intense longing for connection/intimacy (not necessarily sexual;certainly touch and affection though), and a difficulty in not being "on the search". b) a hope that somehow i can develop a friendship with a great sounding (quite authentic) woman through online dating (i am aware of one such person. the prob. there of course is no guarentee that she'll even respond. sometimes it's really difficult not to feel "desparate" a sense of being alone is pervasive. ideals are great, yet sometimes make me feel weak for not being able to carry out my intentions. P.S. another factor is a recent revelation has been that of an "empty" life, one which is not filled with unnecessary stuff (distractions like t.v, maybe even relationships, or the hope thereof). perhaps then is not so much a question of how do i sort this whole thing out, how do i end this internal (even eternal) struggle, how do i end the pain? perhaps it is more "how do i live with this (very real) pain in my life?" any help appreciated, especially the"how do i not be on the hunt?" very unappealling, right? oh and also " how do i meet real intimacy needs?": (not really sex, but) affection and touch/affirmation though

I read that article you recommended, and yeah, in many ways I do relate to what is being said. But I don’t even get to the whirl-wind romance stage in practice. In fact at 31 I’ve never so much as gone on a date. Sure, I’m finding that more woman do find me attractive (certainly more than ever before), and I enjoy feeling attractive (who doesn’t?). But I have almost no ability to develop relationships. So that while my relating is largely emotional, I don’t feel that I have skills to begin to develop a friendship or relationship. (I say ‘begin’ because I know that through friendships and counselling I have learned to talk openly and in the present moment, about my life, and I find thisreally helpful). It is always the beginning that causes the biggest problems. (And even then it is not true. The same thing has happened whenever I have begun to like someone — even ‘a friend’ . What I struggle with most is that I so rarely receive the touch and affection that I feel I need to get by (certainly less than most people I know). I receive touch about once every 1-2 weeks; a hug from a close friend (of which I am immensely thankful). But I certainly don’t receive a daily dose of touch and affection, and that is something that I miss (I see it in the lives of others and I get a little sad for that lack in my life). I really do like myself a lot now, and I’m always learning new and fun things about myself, but I want to be appreciated by someone else as well. Somehow it seems that no matter what I believe about myself, at times there seems to be so little correlation to what other people believe about me. I know that can’t entirely be the case because I’ve got some exceptional friends. But that ‘real world’ seems so hostile; I don’t understand how it works. I` don't understand relationships. Anyway the upshot of this is that I spend an awfully large amount of emotional and spiritual energy fantasising about this ‘ideal woman’ who might actually be willing to love me. When in actuality what I probably need more, I believe, is a sense of belonging in a family*. If I feel that I could be more myself (which I certainly am becoming) then perhaps my desperate clinginess and need to worship would subside. But really only if I were able to receive and give love in a safe environment/group of relationships (of various types). I also have a sense that while the ‘finding that special someone not to be perfect’ might come as a dreadful shock to me, I have a sense that at least part of me wants that, is looking for that, not to escape, but to somehow celebrate the life and humanness of a real other person in my life, who loves and is loved and screws up also. It does scare me though — real relating. I’m scared that no matter how much I like myself, that there is no one else who might be willing to live their life with me. I have contacted a person online (that was scary for me), and I’m taking it easy (she lives about 1200km away), intend to write about once a fortnight to begin with. *I’m about 400-500km from my birth family, and giving and receiving affection is something that needs working on with us all. Oftentimes I’m embarrassed because sometimes we seem quite dysfunctional. So I guess that part of ‘the ideal woman’ is that she’d be quite ‘whole’, and be from a functional family. I guess that sometimes I just want to not relive my family’s past (be aware of it, but not relive it).

It seems that whenever I find someone that I find attractive I get really confused, not so much in thought (although that happens also) but all of my emotional and spiritual needs are placed in the situation (transference). I don't necessarily want that is happen, but it ends up that I pretty much make her into a goddess. Suffice to say that there is a lot riding on this, and I never even get close to being able to develop a relationship. It’s getting to the point where I’m just so wearied and alone, because I always build things up (emotional fantasy), and I’m scared that I’ll never be able to relate properly, because no matter how good things are going, as soon as I find someone attractive the whole thing begins again. Does this mean tat I will never be able to be in a relationship?

I'm a bit old to be new to this thing (relationships), but I am anyway. Really I've never been in the [emotional] position to relate properly to another person on an intimate level. And while I'm by no means great, I know that I have a lot going for me (I really like myself as a person). Certainly I have close friends, and there is quite a whole level of relating here. But these are with guys; I'm talking 'with women' (I'm aware that woman are certainly - just like men – human, but relating is, at times, still awkward. There are mysterious underlying dynamics that do change things). I'm also aware that being able to develop a friendship is fundamental -– at least for me – in developing a healthy long-term relationship. So the dilemma is: on the one hand I really long to be able to relate and build a healthy mutual relationship with someone, to give life to another person. On the other, I really need to develop a more thorough sense of self (to be able to sustain and maintain my own life), and also the fact that although I really like myself, there seems to be little correlation with a deeper 'likeability', in the eyes of other people (from experience). So the question is: how do I balance developing friendships (which I may want to be more intimate) with the need to be develop a sense of self that is not dependent on others ?