Jump to content

overcorrect

Members
  • Posts

    84
  • Joined

About overcorrect

  • Birthday 03/15/1969

overcorrect's Achievements

Contributor

Contributor (5/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done
  • One Month Later

Recent Badges

3

Reputation

  1. In 1996 I sent my wife of 3 years out of town and off to OU because I wanted her to get a better education then what was offered in southwestern Oklahoma. I remained at my job and would visit her on the weekends and days off. I was rarely jealous of new people and new friends she met. A riff developed between her and I and bad things did occur that caused betrayal, serious complications and discussions of divorce. I tell you this story because I did and still do trust her. We are still married (she's a lawyer now) and we have worked past our differences and misunderstandings. The problems had run both ways in the relationship. You are correct to assume that other guys will look at her. If she is as pretty as you say she is then they inevitably will. The deal is this; if she does take the bait from one of these guys you have to understand that if you two were honestly meant to work and both of you want to work it out, then it can be done. Been there, done that. It is not her fault that some other guy thinks she's attractive so don't torture her with the jealousy and end up driving a wedge between you two. College years are the years that people find themselves on a much deeper level and their view of what life should be and who should be in their life might change. The deal is that you adapt to the change she might go through and understand that sometimes people grow up and move on in life. You will find that years down the line you will probably have a child go to college and you will be excited for them and the new possibilities that are opening up for them and the new life they are about to discover. Not to say a relationship cannot survive from the pre-college life to the post-college life. Don't get me wrong, I married my wife when she was 18 and she went to college and law school and we only had that one problem just one time. We are still married and she and I are talking kids now. We are living proof that relationship survival can happen through college. She discovered herself in college and she truly is one awesome woman.
  2. The story you just portrayed to this board is going to just get longer and longer and more complicated if you continue on the path you are on now. This is a classic "string-you-along" story (it's like someone wrote a book on this cheating stuff). This relationship sounds like it is dying a horrible death and nobody wants to remove the life support no matter how dire and decayed the situation is. It sounds to me that you have gone to countless measures and extreme lenghts to salvage any last inkling of a relationship with him and each time he has rejected you flatly. He has done this by making you feel at fault I bet. It is also obvious that when the relationship fails that you have expended all means and it will not be your fault. I just thought you needed to hear that. There is nothing wrong with someone trying to salvage their marriage by fighting as hard as you have but you have to realize when it's hopeless. It's like trying and trying to fix a flat tire when it has been completely blown out, driven on the rim for miles, and unrepairable. It would be quite destroyed. He should have never destroyed this marriage the way he has done. There are more "manly" and dignified ways to end marriages without him treating you horribly. There is no way this man can explain or excuse away why the relationship failed without fabricating and omitting key information about what went on. I feel very hurt for you because I understand this kind of pain (though, not recently). Right now I know that you are expending great amounts of energy and thought on what to do. The fact of the matter is first you must realize that 3 months of separation is not a long time. 1 year is not a long time. 2 years is not a long time. The rest of your life is. I really think that (correct me if I'm wrong) that you will not be pining over him when your 70 and I know you don't think that either. He knows your feelings and intentions and he knows who you are (even though he is acting like an alien now). His mind will not allow him to blame you for the failure of this relationship no matter what he says. He knows believe me. Right now, re-hashing over the decay of this relationship with him will not solve the problem. Remember this, there is a reason she is his ex-girlfriend. There is not a justifiable reason he can just up and be gone to another state and expect everything their to be hunky-dory. Life is not that simple. While he is figuring that stuff out (he might not ever) I would suggest to you that you do something each day positive and take steps to move on and learn in this difficult stage of your life. This journey will take years to complete because it will require one step at a time in the right direction. If you stand still or move backwards now it will take that much longer to complete and be the person you once were. 12 years ago when she broke up with me for another man I was laying in bed in the middle of the night sobbing and dearly missing her warmth. I missed her (and a little part of me - 1/100,000th - still does). In the dark I heard my clock tick-tick-ticking and I came to the realization that those simple little ticks were one less second in my life I would have to think of her. One less second that I would have to feel the pain. Each tick was also one second closer to 12 years later like it is now. In the interim, do things for yourself to make yourself better. Do things that make you feel better about yourself. Join a gym, get a new hairstyle, meet new friends are just some example. Strenuous activity has a way of not only toning your body and refreshing your mind but it also relieves the agony you feel about yourself and life. I say these things because I have been there. Working out is the one thing that you will be able to fully control and it will feel good to you to be in control again. I worked out everytime I felt bad about her and I ended up working out 6 days a week. The things I accomplished were incredible! The last thing to remember is that the only thing that will heal this wound is time. Time is your ally. Remember that. Good luck. (as for the post by |OCS|Virus in your second post on this subject. I am not sure he is replying to the right post... did he make sense to anyone? Did he even read it?!? Where did this "smash your computer you spend too much time online" thing come from???)
  3. Not to be sarcastic but perform the love spell all you want. It will just be a performance. It's not going to solve the problem at all. I am assuming that you mean some type of magic spell or something? That's desperate. Being in the same shoes you have been in and being dumped I can tell you that you will do nothing but expend energy in thinking of every aspect and angle of what the relationship you had was like or is like. You will never know all of the answers you seek from her.... never. She will never tell you or anyone else because people have a way of rationalizing their actions in their own mind basically to keep their sanity. I got to hear about my ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend about 10 years ago and how "miserable and mean" she was to people and how he "controlled" her life and made her do things she didn't want to do. After years of wondering and wishing I finally saw her again and realized that none of that was true and she was truly happy to be with him. She loved him and not me. No way to change it and I didn't want to change it. The realization of that fact actually set me free indefinitely. The bottom line is that she has made her decision and there is no point in rehashing it over and over with her. She is getting angry because she knows that every time she talks to you there is that possibility that you will confront her about issues that she knows are closed in her mind. It will take time before this realization sets in. Now, you can rot away in your dorm room and nobody will know the difference or the better or you can get out and do things with new people you meet while you are bettering your life by college. There is nothing like knowing 5 years down the line when you run into her again that you have definitely moved on and bettered yourself. In this ex-relationship you are the pursuer and she is the distancer. You need to know that the harder you chase her the harder she will distance herself from you and the farther away she'll get from you both emotionally and physically. No need to waste you time driving her away right? If you want any chance at all with her you will definitely need to cease all communication with her. If she wants to talk she will call you. You need to "get on with your life" and get around this obstacle and learn from it. The only person you can control in life is yourself. Make yourself get out and do other things, you can still think about her and wonder but make that for a specific time in the day and not 24/7 like it is now. Set aside personal time for yourself but do not be consumed by it. Time will heal this I promise but in the interim you need to start acting yourself again and control who you are. When you do get out with friends, no matter how much you want to, do not constantly harp and wail about her with them. It makes you no fun to be around. Just have a few select friends you can confide in about it and NEVER let some female you are interested in know about how much you were hurt or how much you think of your ex... it will poison any chances with her pronto because you won't be "over your ex" yet. Last but not least is to leave your ex alone and don't be labeled a stalker or something by her. Chances of her wanting to get back with a "stalker"... none.
  4. Men (like ourselves) have a tendency to put off what should have been fixed long ago. If this situation truly bothers you then you might consider seeing a doctor about this condition you describe. You are not the first person to have a problem staying aroused and you are not going to be the last either. The anxiety you face is real. This anxiety is kicking your butt in the bedroom and that just escalates the anxiety more. Imagine what it would be like for you to not have that anxiety anymore! Schedule an appointment today. In the interim, if you are concerned about her thinking you are brushing her off I would suggest that night in the hotel that you dim the lights considerably and tell her you want to "take it slow" because she is special to you (she obviously is since you wrote this here). Give her passionate and non-rushed stimulation all over her body with your mouth and hands and take your time about it. Have fun with it and show her you are having fun with it. Don't be all stiff but being a little nervous is okay, she will see it as excitement. Be creative but don't be outrageously kinky the first time. If she begs you to make love to her you can devilishly tell her "next time" and continue. She'll get the point if you are sincere enough and will appreciate it more later. You might be surprised of your reaction after playing with her this way and not stressing on it. You might find things happening that you didn't quite expect but definitely wanted. Keep your appointment no matter how the night goes... you might find that you can be more of a stud than you thought.
  5. That was a quick turn-around from what you describe. "Too rushed" sounds a little understated here. It appears within a matter of a few days you have TOTALLY ceased feeling a certain way about a person and now are debating whether or not to follow up with another person. It's tough for me to think that this turn-around is in fact what it is. Time for yourself would be more like a few months instead of a few days. Relationships usually don't happen (I said usually) that quickly and the on/off switch usually doesn't work that way. Take some true time for yourself and it will come without you trying to figure out if it's real or not. From this outsiders point of view I would say that it appears that you might just be entertaining the thought of using #2 to see if you can get #1 all worked up and jealous. That is not fair for #2 and if you cannot place value on him then you will quickly learn that you will reap what you sow. Be careful... if no value is placed on #2 then how can you expect value to be placed on you later....? Good luck.
  6. Your own words: "then later that night.. she text messaged me that she had a lot of fun." It's obvious that when you two are apart she thinks about the time she spends with you... You ever stop and think that perhaps if she would have found this forum before you did that she could be the author of this exact same type of post about you? She's interested in expanding her horizons with you no question about it. The interest exists.
  7. Unfortunately, I think that all marriages reach a point where without some type of counsel there is a communication breakdown that could ultimately lead to speculation and resentment. This relationship you describe has not deteriorated overnight and it won't get fixed overnight. You cannot change how he is acting or the things he is saying, ever. There is only one person who you have complete control over and that person is yourself. Self-value and self worth are the two most important components you could have about yourself to get past this. It is obvious that he places no worth (right now) on how you feel because I believe he doesn't care (and might not ever again). It's pretty evident that right now he is going through some type of crisis about his life and unfortunately your pain is the byproduct of his problem. Something (probably with no foundation) is fueling him to act this way and I believe it is probably another woman. I'm almost willing to bet that once this "fuel" has expended itself or is removed then being single to him will not be so much fun anymore. I'm almost willing to bet that if this fuel is this married woman that you mention then when the opportunity develops past the novelty stage that she will remove herself without any prompting because it's too much baggage for her to deal with. There are two ways you can deal with this crap... you can crawl in a hole and give up or you can do something constructive and positive. I learned a long time ago that once hurt I had a tendency to just feel like I was worth nothing and I would drive my car aimlessly around at night until I got so exhausted thinking about it I would almost pass out behind the wheel from being tired. The only thing I ever got out of that behavior was massive amounts of mileage on my car. Then I learned years later that whenever I felt like crap about being dumped I would expend that negative and emotional energy into something that was positive for my self worth. I began working out at an incredible rate (6 times a week) and instead of feeling like someone had kicked me in the stomach I would feel invigorated and alive beyond what I ever expected. I started feeling good about myself even though I missed her and eventually I found that I was past it. I changed and controlled myself for the better. Guess what... it sure made her curious about me years later but it was too late for her. I believe things happen for a reason. I have found that the darkest hours in my life are the times that I learned the most about what I could accomplish and myself. You could too. For real. Make this time the moment in your life where you try new things and new activities that you've always wanted to do and have never had made time to do. Find something that would increase your image of yourself. I have to say it again... things happen for a reason. DO NOT accept that your life is "ruined forever" now that he is doing what he is doing. In essense you are saying that when you are 70 years old you would still be pining over him. That's not realistic. Make him eat the fact that he told you "I don't know, maybe" when you asked him not to see anyone else. I had a girlfriend one time tell me that "maybe" she didn't love me anymore and guess what I did... I recognized what kind of worth she placed on me and I broke up with her instead... the empowerment was incredible and what's even more funny about it was I still loved her at the time and we are still friendly today (even though I will never want her in a relationship again). I believe that he needs you more than you or he knows, but that doesn't mean he knows it now... burn fuel burn... I'm curious as to what happens. One last thing... if he does come back and you two decide to work it out you must both realize and agree to seek some type of marriage counseling. We were not taught in school how to communicate in a troubled relationship and without the counseling, then the relationship will be doomed to repeat this type of incident.
  8. A realist would say two things: Nobody gets online and goes to AIM just to sit there and read what people are talking about and nobody would really believe that he's busy doing work on the computer and just is logged in to chat for nothing... I hate to tell (because I'm afraid it might upset you) that he is probably chatting with someone else and doesn't want to make time to chat with you. This is nothing you can control. Evidentally, that someone else is more interesting to him for some reason. You cannot control him or who he talks to and I don't think it's such a good idea to dwell on it and confront him about it. Just be cool, be yourself, and continue being the person that people know you as and you won't have to work that hard to get someone to talk to you that can appreciate you for what you are worth. Everyone has something to give in this life and obviously he hasn't figured that out yet.
  9. Though I have never been in your shoes and I have no children I can only give you what I think you need to hear. People are not put on this earth I believe to be alone. You are absolutely blessed to have two children that you obviously have a good relationship with or you wouldn't be writing this post. I do not believe that you are being selfish because it sounds to me that you indeed have your own life and you deserve to be happy for your's and your children's sake. I don't believe that you will treat your children any different if you move in with your boyfriend and if you don't treat them differently then they shouldn't have trouble adapting at all. I mean, you are not taking love away from them to give to your boyfriend because neither your children or your boyfriend could replace each other in your life right? There is a huge difference between being a loving partner and a loving mother and I'm sure you will agree that you don't love your children less because you have found someone that fills you up emotionally from a different angle. At 7 and 10 your children should be able to make up their own minds about certain matters... why not discuss your feelings with them and assure them that nothing will change between you and them? You might be surprised at the results and come to find that your apprehension was all for nothing. If you do meet resistance, you have to realize that the fear is that they are "losing" you to him... assure them and show them through actions that isn't the case.
  10. This sounds like a bad situation but I don't think it impossible to correct. You need to quit jumping through hoops to appease him when he's not even bothering to hold the hoop for you in the first place. He obviously doesn't know what he's got and you know how the saying goes; "don't know what you've got until it's gone". The total disregard for your feelings by being vague and locking you out of his life by planning around you is what I would consider a fair sign that he is being deceitful. Decide to be proactive instead of reactive. Let me give you an example from my life (when I was 24, almost 10 years ago). I absolutely loved and adored my girlfriend and I thought that she had the most incredible personality and body that I have ever seen. I knew her approximately 6 years before I started dating her and at first things went very well. After about a year she started acting like it was a friggin' chore to show any affection for me in any way and it was like it starved me of my self asteem. Only when it was "convenient" would we be intimate and it was usually after some severe begging. I started being reactive to the way she treated me and much like you know you are doing (deep down inside) I started losing control of who I was anymore. I actually resorted to offering her money (which she accepted) for affection (how pathetic is that on both of our parts?!?!). My self asteem was in the drain and I knew it but I figured to myself things would change eventually. Our relationship continued in this path for 7 to 8 more months and I was somewhat sure she was seeing one of her co-workers but I could never pinpoint when. Back then (1993) there was no such thing as "check cards" and my primary source for getting cash was an ATM. One day she called me from work and asked if I could bring her something to eat. I would have to hurry though because the mall she worked at was accross town and she only had a certain amount of time to eat. I rushed to get her some food from a bar-be-que place on the way and I was starving too but I only had enough money to get her food and there was no ATM close. I got her the food and took it to her work and we sat down together and she began to eat the food I brought. It was in the breakroom at her job. I casually put my arm around her as I sat next to her and she told me to "quit it" because she was at work. Reactive changed to proactive and I decided at that moment that I would have myself and my self-asteem back and I would not be treated like this anymore. I left before she was finished eating and I didn't say a word. She didn't say anything either as she figured she would see me again, I'm sure. That was the last time I was ever with her... ever. I drove away very mad at myself (not sad) that I had let it go that long and I had been so weak. I drove to an ATM and got money and I decided to go to the Grandy's drive-thru and get some food. I decided never to go back and see her or call her again. Now, this is the reason I told you this story... this is real and it really happened. As I drove up to the Grandy's drive thru I saw that there was a car exactly like mine in front of me... a girl was driving it. After she ordered she drove around the corner I ordered and soon followed around the corner. She stuck her head out of the window and told me I had a nice car. As I began driving home after getting my food she was driving home the same way... she lived in the neighborhood right next to my apartment complex. I started seeing her and we started dating about 3 weeks later. During that dating we joked about "telling our grandkids" about meeting in the Grandy's drive thru. That was 10 years ago... and she is my wife now. (If you are not believing this story I can e-mail you pics of our two cars and even a pic of the drive-thru... we took pictures of the drive-thru because Grandy's eventually closed and we thought they were going to tear down the building). Things can happen unexpectedly when you decide to control your life and not let anyone else control it for you. As for Amy (the ex-girlfriend).. she caught wind of my new girlfriend and came over begging and told me she "had always loved me" and even though I still had feelings for her, I didn't get back with her (obviously). Proactive won her over but I didn't want her anymore. Things happen for a reason... If Amy had never told me to "quit it" I would have never met my wife. Things happen for a reason.
  11. From reading your post it is very obvious to me that you are very articulate and intelligent. My opinion on this situation is that you continue to talk to her on the phone and "break her in" to getting to know you. I believe that if she is truly interested like you say she is and she is as enthusiastic when she speaks to you on the phone then it is just a shy/insecure thing on her part. Have you ever thought that perhaps she thinks the same thing about you and she is afraid that she will mess up saying something to you in person and blow the chance of getting to know you? Set her at ease and take positive steps to talk to her. Make sure you are reading her right when you talk to her on the phone though... you don't want to be perceived as a "stalker".
  12. I read this entire post with some complete intrigue! You women are very insightful! From a guys point of view let me tell you what I think... I personally believe there is nothing wrong with watching porn. What I find is that what is depicted on the screen is what I fantasize my girl would do for me. It doesn't mean I want her to be that girl on the screen. A woman dressed in a business suit is completely incredible and sexy and at the same time very professional and classy. A woman dressed in a business suit with some provocative lingere underneath it for her man's eyes only is just over the top!!! Of course, I am not saying to be exactly like the girls on the videos... I'm just saying add a little spice to it. For example: say I see some "hot" chick dressed very provocative to the point it's almost inappropriate ("I like inappropriate" is my motto)... I don't fantasize necessarily about that woman, I fantasize about what my girl would look like dressed up for me like that. Of course, fantasizing about my girlfriend dressed like that (or in the case of porn, undressed like that) could lead to other private things if she wasn't around or readily available. i.e.: Yes, men are very visual. I agree wholeheartedly with cookies (again). The fact that men want a classy and respectable woman in public and a sex-fiend in bed is exactly right... The most awesome awesome Valentine's present I ever got from my girl was the complete surprise when I came home and she was wearing red panties, red thigh highs and red platform high heel shoes and waiting for me. The surprise was the best part of it all.
  13. Yes, Cookies I agree with you on your point... I also think that it has to be something that he mentions over and over without regard for her feelings that would make it wrong. It has to be something he does though and not something she perceives him doing... Alpha females.... gotta love 'em!!!
  14. Well, I'm sure it's not so easy to drop him like a bad habit... I guess that I'm fixated on certain types of women (brunettes) and according to previous posts I guess that catagorizes me as objectifying women too. I'm also fixated on women who are very strong willed and self motivated and can mentally and physically slam-dunk any chauvanistic man when it comes to his shallow thinking (I call them Alpha-females... like the Rosie the Rivoter poster)... does that count as objectifying? I think that the average strong-willed and self-assured woman is much more attractive and interesting than the average weak-willed woman. That said... Perhaps when I see a "hot" woman (regardless of nationality) I might just mention to my girlfriend casually that my observation is that a certain type of woman is "hotter" than another type... It DOESN'T mean that I want to break off the relationship the first opportunity some "hot" woman comes along. From a guys point of view... if you keep "flipping out" on him... you're going to end up with out him. It sounds to me that you need to figure out this jealousy issue before you start burning bridges. I know I would get tired of walking on egg shells with every statement I made.
  15. One word..... "playa". By reading your post I think that she is already in a relationship with someone and you interest her... that explains the "we need to hang out" statement. I also believe that she probably lives with some guy and the only times she has talked to you was when he was not at home or something. "My sister's got to use the phone." could be interpreted into "My boyfriend is pulling in the driveway." You will be wasting your time with her if you believe that she wants to leave him for you... at least for now I believe she doesn't. You won't be able to convince her either. Look back and recall the time of day and the day of the week that she has seen you in person... were they roughly about the same time? Another sure sign that she is on a schedule (his schedule).
×
×
  • Create New...