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StillSmiling

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  • Birthday 08/30/1954

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  1. StillSmiling
    I'm glad SOMEONE finally asked this question. I've been wondering with every post being made how it was NC. LOL
  2. StillSmiling
    I have not read your story, but my Ex came sniffing around at Day 36. I got weak when I saw that he had been checking on me and IMed him. It opened a canof worms, lead to a phone call, then a meeting and a drink ... and offer to do somethingin the future. And now he has gone totally silent again. I don't regret the final meeting as I feel I understand the breakup better. I also understand myself better and what I want better. BUT, he now has me watching email and my damn phone again waiting to hear from him again. I'm sitting quiet. So just be careful of what you wish for.
  3. StillSmiling
    Thanks Yankee. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I at least feel like I am not as stuck.
  4. StillSmiling
    Day Done Well, I am going to say farewell to this challenge now. Going through this, falling down, and than having this final meeting last night I think has finally brought me to the place of being able to start moving forwards again ... for me. There is no more reason for a forced NC; it is what it is and I can see it clearly now. As predicted, our meeting was bitter sweet, respectful and very insightful for both of us. I am very grateful for the time we had last night, and for the year we had together. Just as in the death of my sister years ago, I have somewhat moved it from being sad that there was not more of it ... to being grateful for ever having it. Some are never so blessed. I did see him with those different eyes. Clearer and more understanding of what happened and why it happened how it did. And I was able to let him know I forgive him. I understand now why he ended it the way he did. And I was able to tell him in all honesty that I think he made the right choice, even though it hurt at the time, and at time still hurts. Thank you to all that have supported me with such encouraging words in the journey. I still have much healing to do and much to learn. But I don't feel as stuck anymore. It's time for me now, no longer holding onto a hopeful "us".
  5. StillSmiling
    Dave: I'm not sure how you can't keep going back to Day One when you have kids to pick up and drop off. I'm so sorry you are hurting. We're going to get through this. Remember how bad yesterday morning was? But it got better? It's going to again ... Megken: Your friends were right to have to you to have gotten rid of it. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he has "gotten to you". What he has done is SO wrong. No one EVER should be put through what he has put you through. StillSmiling: What the hell were you thinking? =) OMG I am SO scared now! 3 hours and counting until I am in the car ...
  6. StillSmiling
    Shock seems to be the first part of it for most of us. It sure was for me. And while I am putting my hand back into the fire tonight, I managed a few periods of about 3 weeks NC and then did a solid 36 days. It did give much of the insite I needed to be able to handle tonight. And tonight may or may not be one of the biggest mistakes of my life .. but I have to play it out. Do NC for YOU. To step back and understand better what was really happening. We can't see it in the heat of the moment. We're here for you, but you have to be here every day too. Hugs
  7. StillSmiling
    Oh the clarity we get, huh? I will forever watch out for that Mom Bomb thing in the future. Deadly.
  8. StillSmiling
    Day 0 / Again Bag of mixed emotions thinking about seeing him tonight. I think I am ready for this. - Trying hard to have no hope. Don't really think I do but ... Yes, there is a tiny tickle I have to admit to. - Praying for new eyes to see him through. - Grateful to now be able to now be part of the ending, and not just him walking away. - Confident now that it WAS NOT all my fault. We just had different boxes that we didn't fit into. - Knowing he made the right choice for us, when I was too weak to see it. - Admiring the warrior in him for being able to end it in the midst of the love and the passion and the fun we were having; knowing it was not right. - The chance to blast his ass for HOW HE DID IT! =) LOL - Asking him if his band can play at my upcoming wedding. (Just kidding Dave! LOL)
  9. StillSmiling
  10. StillSmiling
    Day Whatever The Hell It Is / 0 Was getting more pissed off by the moment. Ok, a few tears thrown in there, but still mad. Felt he was playing some sort of friggin game with not letting me know about going out or not. I HAVE HAD IT! Like I am suppose to keep my life on hold while he decides which day, or if ever he is going to tell me when??????? So I just walk back into my office. He's online right now. No email yet. No phone call or TXT. So I just wrote him: (and trust me, I am really trying hard to stay nice) "You still up for that drink, or decide it was a bad idea? Had not heard anything back from you, (except you were stalking ... and was trying to plan my week. Thoughts?" Well ... He replied, so let's the games begin: "Hi Sweetie, I'd love to have that drink with you. How about tomorrow night about 7? You pick the place. Love-R__" YIKES! Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of us meeting .. and I picked the place last year! I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I wrote back and suggested "perhaps a new annual tradition - Elephant Bar?". This is going to be one hell of a ride. After not seeing him for almost 2 months, I have to look in those eyes again. I just have to know one more time, for me. Wish me luck in seeing him with different feelings and knowing I can now break this awful cycle.
  11. StillSmiling
    Great job! You made me laugh about being on fire while calling his name! LOL
  12. StillSmiling
    WHY in the world do we do these things???? It's like a damn drug. I hate this! Please give me back MY life now! Hang in there ...
  13. StillSmiling
    Day ???? I can't even figure out what day it is anymore. I suppose it is back to Day One since I emailed him yesterday to agree to that drink. This morning I am pissed off. STILL no response from him. Why the hell did he torture me with the flowers and the offer of going out, only to not respond when I said yes? He is really fighting to "fill that hole" as he is now on 4 dating sites that I know of. The latest one being an obscure site that I am on. Yet, he won't turn back towards me and make another go of it. I am sick of this game. It now feels like a game he is playing. I always felt him to be so straightforward and admired the way he was never afraid to show his softer side. Now I feel like he is screwing with my head. I've gone back to jumping at the phone ringing and incessantly checking my email for a response from him. Just like in the beginning. He is putting me back through the torture again and I can't allow him to do it. I have thoughts this morning of writing him and telling him to just drop it all and leave me alone. I suppose I wanted the chance to correct the thoughts he has of me having moved on. And to see what his reaction would be. I had hope. And I don't want to have hope any more. And I don't want to want him anymore. It's time for me to take care of me only now. Too much time and energy and pain has already been spent on something that is not going anywhere. I swear these tears are going to be the last I shed for him ... EDIT: He just replied to my joke on the dating site of me asking him "Are you following me? LOL". He wrote "Yes, I'm stalking you. Don't look out your window " Great, yet no answer on the going out. This is beginning to get really sick.
  14. StillSmiling
    First, I can relate to all of the memories and pictures and how it triggers the hurt ... continue to clean what ever space you have to. Secondly, why would you want someone back that has cheated on you? How could you ever trust her again? Don't you think you deserve someone that will respect you more than that? Hold that head up a bit higher, and hold on for the one that properly care for a relationship. You'll make it.
  15. StillSmiling
    Hugs babe. I think we need a I'M THE PRIZE thread! In time we will KNOW this every day, every hour. Till then, we will remind ourselves here and know we are right. We ALL deserve the freedom in the heart to move forward from those that can't accept us as who we are.
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