Raistlin

Will you sticky this one in this forum, please?

Day 7 Today was easier than the last few days. I decided to let my friend convince me that I need to be going out more and meeting women. I am a conceptually spiritual person, and I realized that I was holding my spirit inside myself. I've always believed that I was able to sense her spirit, because I could tell how she was feeling and have actually told her what was going on around her without contact for over 16 hours. When I opened my spirit, it fled to her. Her spirit recoiled at the sudden contact of mine, but has accepted it and it feels like she is thinking about me. Sparingly because she is busy at work, but still. I decided to actively seek my own spiritual solution and not to hold myself in from the world any longer. I will concentrate on allowing my spirit to be free to interact with others as I do, as well as work on building my own self confidence. I already have plans for next month to go out with a lot of single women, so hopefully I can make a positive impact and make new friends at the very least. I hope that by releasing my spirit from inside and trying to let go of the past, that I will no longer feel like I NEED her. I know I don't want her anymore, just some special attention... the want to be loved. And by letting go and freeing my spirit, I hope to be able to find that within myself, and then being able to allow someone else to love me as well.

Today was a very, very bad day. I cried a whole lot because I realized that I want to protect her from herself and the guys she draws in so badly. I know I can't and I know I shouldn't even waste my time or energy worrying about it, because she broke up with me and she abused me. But I still care for some reason.

Day 5 Today was kinda hard as well. I started wanting to call her or text her hardcore, and I broke down and cried for over 45 minutes. However, I was able to hang out with friends tonight and I had some drinks and calmed down. I'm feeling OK right now because I am kinda drunk, but I can still think about her, which is a bad thing. I just want these thoughts to go away.

Day 4 I spent some of today feeling sad because of the same question 'what if she's with someone else'? IT's all because she's a b**** and had to go out of her way to 'be fair to me' and mention she's flirting with another guy, while we're trying to repair our friendship. 4 days in (again) I feel like I'm running myself in circles. I know I'm addicted to her because I spent hours with friends tonight and found my phone in my hand about 6 times wanting to text her. Each time I would text another friend just to see whats up, or would strike up a conversation and put my phone away. However, tonight found me in my fantasy setting for my home. I was in a dark, dimly lit back yard with a lit pool light that reflected off of a stone wall, looking over a dark, empty street. It was perfect in my eyes, and I wanted nothing more than a girl of my own to cuddle with and share it with. It was so perfect that I couldn't bring myself to swim and enjoy myself like I should have, because I wanted to connect... personally.... with anyone... so badly. Of course, I was thinking about her the whole time, but in a detached kind of way. If there were other females in my life that I could hang out with and/or flirt with, I would probably forget all about my ex. I did get invited to a friends' friends' 21st birthday next month. I sent a pic, and one of my friends's friends' is going to 'play matchmaker' and talk me up. Hopefully, I can flirt with some girls that night. At the very least, this will be an opportunity to make new female friends to hang out with and I can distract myself with new interests.

Day 3 Today was a little easier than day 2. I thought about her quite a lot, but would try to replace my feelings of wanting to talk to her with the reminder that I initiated NC, I do not need someone as mentally and emotionally abusive as she was, and that once I'm finally ready to accept me, I will meet someone better. The hardest thing I'm dealing with is not thinking about her with someone else. I keep getting slammed by images and thoughts "what if I saw her with _____". It takes a LOT out of me to regain composure and try to convince myself that it doesn't matter. She threw me away. I endured the crap she put me through for years, and she 'needs more'. Fine. Get 'more'. And when you get screwed over, b****, because it's inevitable with the way you are, you'll try to come crawling back to me again. But guess what? My phone number will be different. You don't have access to my social page anymore, so you can't check my pic and status. And where will you turn when you're so low? You don't have any friends, because you abuse them all. And you wonder why people don't like you. Sorry for the rant. I deal by rationalizing the fact that I am better off without someone like that. And I can only wait for the day that I will meet someone that makes me feel as happy as I know I can be.

Day 2 Today was a bad day for me. All day, I wanted to text her so badly and just.. say anything. I realized that I am addicted to having her pay attention to me, and I think she already knew that when she called me on 6/2. I didn't break under the stress, which is good. I almost broke down and cried a lot of times, and didn't enjoy The Incredible Hulk when I saw it with friends, because I felt like the 5th wheel. I was incredibly jealous that my friends are in healthy relationships and happy, and I was in a bad one for so long and I'm very unhappy right now. Tomorrow is dad's day though, so I'm going to try to keep my spirits up for him. Hopefully day 3 will be a bit better.

I'm going to accept the challenge here, starting today, 6/14/2008 at 12:24am PST. Day 1 Today has been very hard. We have been broken up since Apr. 6, and were NC for about 2 weeks before she contacted me the day after my birthday (6/2). She said she loved me, and wanted to be with me. Now, she wants to be friends and is flirting with a guy from work. She's going to get hurt because she draws guys that emotionally and sexually abuse her... except me. It's been torture to not text her and see how work is going. I think I'm going to change my social network page and get a new phone number so she has no way to contact me. I am also going to get therapy, which I will include updates for (if it starts during these 30 days). All I ask for from this community is support.