dr_loomis7

Day 30 - It's hard to believe it's gone by so quick. I've seen her once just by chance to be at the same place at the same time. It was awkward for both of us and she left immediately. The pain is not there anymore but the memories still are. The places we went, the conversations we had, the mistakes we both made. I play over in my head the things I wish I could've changed but know I can't. My friends have been gracious enough to not talk about her even though I know they still see her. I do miss her and think about her a lot but I'm at the point where she's not the first thing on my mind when I wake up. I've toyed with the idea of dating but it almost feels like cheating to start to even talk to someone else. I'm sure I have a lot of healing left but so far, I haven't broken NC and not sure when or if I will. One side effect of this breakup is seeing where I messed up and one of those was a major aspect of my lifestyle. Unfortunately, all my friends are tied into that lifestyle so having a support system has been non-existent. I feel alone with nothing to do. I'm pretty much starting over in a lot of ways so moving on has been a little difficult than in the past. Looking forward to the day when this is just a memory.

I've thought about you everyday since we broke up...I hate that I still think about you. We started off this relationship in the wrong way and we both paid for it but I paid more. I waited for a year and a half for you. I'm also angry at myself. This morning I was thinking about us and I saw so many times where my selfishness and addiction drove my choices. I thought I really wanted that but I waited so long for you only to take you for granted and lose you. There were mistakes on both sides but I'm seeing mine and it's showing me a lot about myself, a lot I don't like. I'm hoping this will be the wake up call to change and do more with my life. I just wish you were still part of my life to do it with.

Day 24 - It's been exactly 4 weeks since she ended the relationship and 24 days since we spoke via email. I still think about her a lot but it doesn't hurt like it once did. Sometimes I find myself going hours without thinking of her where a few weeks ago it was constant. As much as I want to think I'm ok, I know I'm really not. Last night I went out with some friends, got drunk and started talking about how much I missed her. Fortunately, I didn't break NC and actually didn't even think about doing it but it just showed that I'm not there yet or even as far along as I'd hoped I'd be. There are so many things I need to work on about myself it seems a little overwhelming but hopefully in time, I'll be able to. I'm also considering some sort of therapy. I'm really glad I don't have to see her right now and she's not trying to send me breadcrumbs. This is helping me keep moving.

Day 20 - I just got back from traveling for a week for work. It was good to get away from the city, from the chance of seeing her. We were supposed to go to Chicago for her birthday, see her favorite musical and her favorite band. Instead, I went to another city by myself. In the airport, it hit me...this is really over, she may never come back. I think I'm now in the anger phase of grief. I'm angry I waited so long for her, angry it ended like it did, angry I contacted her so close after her breakup instead of giving her real time. I'm also seeing where things went wrong, not just on her side but with me. Things I need to work on including being a better listener and not so focused on myself. There's also some aspects that weren't directly tied to the breakup that need to be changed. This is going to be a long road...

Just found this thread, great idea, especially since I'm sure my friends are tired of me talking about her. Day 11 of NC...In a way, I understand why the breakup had to happen. It was necessary. Out of this, I've seen a lot of things I need to change both for the next relationship and just quality of life in general. While I'd love to try to work things out, she needs to grow as well and start being her own person. I hope this happens when she starts therapy in the New Year. I've seen her once unintentionally and it hurt she didn't even acknowledge me, just ran out. My biggest fear right now is she thinks the door may be closed because of my actions and wording in my final message to her but I also realize she chose this course of action as opposed to trying to work it out. There are days I get super depressed and want to call her and days I'm hopeful. I look forward to the day when she's not the first thing I think of when I woke up or last thing I think about before going to bed. I've been through enough of these to understand the pain won't last forever but this one hits me particularly hard because this is the first woman I even considered wanting to spent my life with. For now, I'll get my life back on track, start doing things I once enjoyed, work on myself and continue to surround myself with friends.

It's been almost 3 years since you broke up with me a week after I gave up my life and moved a thousand miles to be with you. Your last letter said you couldn't live without me and "I was the one". How quickly this changed when you said “we have a difference of opinion. You think you are the one, but I don’t see it yet.” You gave me a full week before it was over. You said you weren't sexually attracted to me and you were ashamed to be seen with me. I laughed at you for 20 minutes after you said it. But it was not the laugh of joy or happiness, it was pain. You were my first love and you tore my heart out that night and in a few statements, crushed me more than anyone. But you were a fool. You see, since that time I have gotten my life together. Your words pierced my heart but they also let loose something inside of me. Something that made me realize what I had feared all my life: you were right. If I had not met you, my life would not have changed. Since I met you I've lost weight, moved on to a better and higher paying career, started dressing better, and realized that I could be a great boyfriend. I would never have hurt you, embarrassed you, made you feel like you weren't appreciated, been mean to your or your kids, stopped taking care of you or been ashamed to be with you. You will miss out on this. You once said to me that I was weak, but you fail to see that you are the weak one. You emotionally took everything away from me. For four months, I lived in a hotel room with no one to talk to while you moved back in with your ex-husband, but it didn’t destroy me. I got back up. You couldn't handle one week alone before you ran back. You are so afraid of being alone, so afraid of feeling anything, so afraid someone will abandon you that you can't sustain a meaningful relationship with anyone. The pain you feel will never leave you because you are too afraid to face it. In all of this, I do not hate you. Strangely enough, I have never hated you. 3 years now and you still text me that you miss me and think about me. I've gotten over you. You are not even a thought in my mind most days. When I do think about you, it is to thank you. You are the catalyst that was needed for me to change. Nothing and no one else could have done it. The pain I felt was intense, but the outcome has been worth it. One day, I will meet someone who is 100x better than you and she will reap the rewards of the seeds you sowed. So with all that, I want to say thank you. Yes, thank you. Thank you that I will no longer have to put up with someone who doesn’t appreciate me, thank you that I am not stuck with someone who wanted to change everything about me, thank you for releasing me from putting up with your bratty kids, thank you that I don’t have to listen to you criticize everything I do and try to control me, and most importantly; thank you for being honest because your honesty saved me.