Hi! I need some advice to help me sort out my feelings and actions. 15 years ago I had a brief affair with a man that I felt I really loved. I was married, young, had 3 children and didn't leave my marriage. After the affair ended I never had contact with the man until 9 months ago when I saw his name on link removed. I emailed him and have been in contact with him off and on since. At the time of the affair 15 years ago my marriage was terrible; we argued all of the time, my husband had been physically abusive in the early years of our marriage but had gone through treatment for alcoholism and hadn't been abusive to me since. I stayed because I wanted my kids to grow up in the same house as their father (dumb choice) and because I was stupid enough to believe my mother when she said I wouldn't find anyone who would treat me better. But, the strange thing is that for the 6 years before I initiated contact with my former lover I thought I was pretty happily married. We didn't argue, we traveled, did things together. Physically our sex was great but I never had sex mentally with my husband - it was always someone else or some kind of fantasy. If I tried to make myself focus on the fact that I was actually having sex with my husband I wouldn't get aroused at all.
So here's my confusion. I left my husband for about 5 months this spring hoping to rekindle a romance with the former lover. That didn't happen - the former lover is very cautious, having just gotten divorced and didn't eant to go into a relationship with me while I am married. We met for coffee one time but other than that we haven't seen each other. I know he has feelings for me and I definitely have some feelings for him. I moved home for the summer because I missed my house and yes, things my husband offered me - like companionship and acceptance. But, I still feel empty inside, think about the lover all of the time and still have issues with sex. Has anyone else out there experienced any of this? Does anyone have any good suggestions to help me to decide to leave or stay in my marriage?