EyesOnThePrize

I think a lot of it is echoed in this thread already, and I am using link removed as a guide in working on a reconciliation. For me right now, the toughest thing is keeping things at LC. Since my ex and I have started talking again, I have this urge to talk to her every day, to send her texts and pictures, to really be a big part of her life again. I think that would be counter-productive at this point. I am leaving the ball in her court. She has yet to go more than 5 days without contacting me, so I have little fear that will stop. Today is day 3 (she called me Wednesday) so I expect to hear from her in some form (text, picture, e-mail or phone) by Monday.

Day 27 - In the immortal words of Kramer..."I'm out." There's a long thread about it, and I decided to contact my ex today. Yesterday I said it wouldn't be a problem to make it to 30 days...that's before she called in tears. I have no regrets about my decision and, frankly, I think NC was having its desired effect. The convo went very well, and I realized that I'm a heck of a lot more healed than I thought. I'm at peace with myself and with her. I'm going back to NC/LC, and I'm not going to count days. I don't see that it would serve any purpose for me now. Best of luck to all!

Day 26 - I'm not going to have an issue getting to 30 days...I'm in real flux as to what to do at that point. There's a lot going through my head now. Today was the day the pet transport service came to pick up the cat I'm sending to my ex. It was tough. I love that cat, but I love my ex more, and I did agree she could have the cat. I hope I'll see it again and the possibility exists that I won't. That would suck. And I remind myself that my ex isn't seeing the other 4 cats or the dog, and I'm sure that sucks for her. My ex's sister called me today and we talked for over an hour. I got a bunch of background on my ex that I really didn't know, and that confirms and amplifies some things. I said to her "Well, I think the ex has more than just depression. I think she has a disorder." She says "You mean borderline personality disorder?" It turns out my ex's sister has a degree in psychology and is also very sure my ex has BPD. And she's known her a lot longer than I have. She is also sure that slimeball is a temporary thing. The funniest line was me saying something like "I don't think slimeball has really seen the crazy yet." And she says "And I think when he does, you'll hear the skidmarks!" Her sister is a good person and I probably would have been closer with her if my ex wasn't so anti-everything to do with family. It was a good talk, though. She's having a baby tomorrow who would have been my nephew. Well, I still wish her well. I saw Iron Man this evening...it lived up to the hype, as far as I was concerned. It will be on my buying list when it hits Blu-Ray. I got a terrible seat because I was talking to my ex's sister and got to the theater late (in the middle of the previews) and that's okay...the phone call was worth it and the movie still kicked butt. Tonight, I'll watch dumb TV shows on Fox and then crash early...I need some sleep!

Day 25 - The 30 days are almost up. Although, as I keep saying, I'm not sure what I'm going to do when they are up. Today was busy, I was out playing boardgames with some friends most of the morning and afternoon, I really didn't think about her much during them, although we talked about her a bit afterwards. One of the guys laughed when I said she already said the weather was "interesting." His reaction was "And the heat and humidity haven't even gotten there yet." Yeah well, its what she said she wanted, so whatever. I agreed to give her one of our cats (my cats?) and the service coming to pick her up is coming tomorrow. I thought they were coming Monday, so its one day shorter with her. I guess the end was coming anyway, so I guess I say goodbye one day sooner and then life will go on. I love this cat, its the one that slept with us on the bed almost from the day we got her almost 9 years ago. I know she my ex's favorite cat, too. I'll really miss her, and I know my ex misses her a lot, and I love my ex more than I love the cat, so I have no regrets about this, even though is still very sad. Some have said it will remind her of "home" more. I don't know. I hope so. I feel like sending a note with the cat saying "The other cats and the dog miss you and want us both to come back home", however at this point I think that would be a good move. I want to make a live journal post regarding her leaving, and I don't know if I could do it without saying "Now, 2 of the three females I love most are in Texas", and I don't think now is the time to say it. In fact, I don't see how I can make any post that wouldn't really end up with me really expressing feelings towards my ex, and I don't want to do that yet. Nonchalance is my ally, or so I've heard. I think my ex will know that it shows a lot of character to do this and that it is an act of unconditional love. I'm leaving in a minute to have a belated birthday celebration with nickbroken, that will hopefully be fun, and get my mind off things. I did hit the gym earlier tonight, that makes 3 times this week, the first time I've made 3 times in a week in several months. Its nice to be getting back into this routine. The endorphin rush is always good.

One of Al Turtle's signs is "You will never get love by chasing a lizard." IMO, your line says much of the same, and is much more poetic.

Day 24 - A week to go. Maybe...who knows...I'm of very mixed feelings today. I'm tired today and when I get tired, I get depressed, and I was depressed earlier tonight. Just thinking about what a loser her new bf is, and how bad things got with me so that he looked like a good alternative. I'll feel better after a good night's sleep. Ate way too much food tonight, which means extra time at the gym tomorrow. Actually, tomorrow will be busy. Getting together with friends in the AM, going to work for a few hours after that, I'll hit the gym for a couple of hours, then a belated birthday celebration with nickbroken. I was really down earlier, decided not to go the alcohol route, instead watched some really dumb stuff on the DVR that has seriously cheered me up. I'll be fine. But damn, I really miss her. I'm so totally of two minds of what to do after the 30 days. If she wasn't seeing slimeball, it would be easy. With him there, I'll probably stay in NC more. Or, since she keeps feeling the need to contact me, I'll switch to LC by at least acknowledging some of her communication. I keep thinking "If things are so wonderful with him, why does she contact me every other day?" And I know the answer. But, that was her choice, and she has to deal with the consequences.

Day 23 - 1 week to go, unless I decide to go longer. I really don't know. Once again, the ex reached out to me today, and this was the first time it had zero to do with me. She sent me a picture that made me laugh. It was something that related to an inside joke we have. There are a couple of other people who would probably get the joke, too. She might have sent it to more than just me, and frankly if I cared enough I would check the cell phone records (our phones are still linked) and see to whom else it went. And that doesn't really matter. I think the fact that she sent it to me period is evidence that she still is thinking of me and that's nice in and of itself. She may be frustrated by my lack of response. Heck, I'm frustrated by my lack of response. I really had to resist responding because the picture was funny, and because its an inside joke. I miss her, and its good to know she misses me. Other than that, it was a busy day. I was at a client all morning, then had an appointment with my therapist. We even talked about ENA a bit. I'm starting to talk to him about some of the anger I have, especially that towards my mother. I also got into some of my self-worth issues and how they took a beating during the divorce and how I'm working on building them back up again. I finally got back to the office late, and spent most of the rest of the work day talking to Nick on yahoo. It was not productive. Then it was off to the gym, which is good because I had fallen out of that routine, and then home to relax. I'm going to make it an early night, maybe soak in a bath for a bit, do some more reading on BPD, have my nightly "talk with the ex" (I'll thank her for the picture then) and get some rest. After the gym, I should sleep very soundly. Onwards and upwards!

Day 22 - I'm getting there. Today the ex calls me and e-mails me. I actually sent her back a very terse response because I believed if I didn't, the text messages would be next. And since she was partially contacting me about "business" (our taxes and the cat getting sent to her), I think I had to give her some feedback. I don't consider it breaking NC. In fact, for the first time, I didn't sign an e-mail "Love, Eyes." I just signed it "Eyes." It has nothing to do with me not loving her, I'm hoping maybe she'll get the hint that when I told her I wouldn't be in touch for a while, it meant she shouldn't be in touch with me, either. She e-mailed me Saturday, I got a package from her Monday, and today was the voice mail and the e-mail. I believe she's leaving me voice mails because she wants to talk to me (twice during the voice mail she said she wanted to know how I was doing) and she can live without knowing that for another 8 days...or more, depending on when I feel like I want to initiate contact. From another standpoint, each day I don't have contact is another day she gets to see slimeball for who he really is. In her eyes, that could be good or bad, and either way hopefully it lets her get closer to sorting out her mind. Plus, from her voice mail, I suspect she's not loving Texas as much as she thought. But enough about her. I flirted with my physical therapist a bit. During the appointments we spend a lot of time talking about our past relationships and then the work we are doing on ourselves. Ironically, her latest ex (Lit would like him, he's a commitmentphobe) has the same name as my ex's bf. She was talking about how she has a profile on link removed. She thinks I'm not ready for a relationship yet. I told her if I was healed enough, I'd probably be checking out her profile. Which I would, because she's intelligent, funny and kinda cute. Very short, though. I was amazingly unproductive at work, which is typical of me after tax season. I really think I have to step it up. I scheduled another phone consult with Al Turtle for next week. I'm looking forward to it. I'm full o'questions. I was supposed to go out with nickbroken for his birthday tonight, but he got sick, so we're rescheduling. I did get him a card and a present, though. So, its a relaxing night. I'm watching American Idol now, I'll go upstairs after its over, have my nightly "talk with the ex", do some reading and crash. All in all, not a bad day.

Get to day 7. Here's something I heard when I was early in recovery. A woman said that someone told her in a meeting. "All you have to do is not gamble today." And she thought "Heck, I can do anything for 24 hours." And she just reminded herself of that every morning. Hearing that story was great for my recovery. I think it applies here, too. All you have to do is not call her today. If you tell yourself that every morning, it might be easier for you. Just a thought.

I lost mine for a while. I went last night and felt great, as I should have known I would. The endorphins and everything are wonderful for me. Plus, I had only put back 6 lbs of tax season/divorce stress! Hey, given that I lost over 75 lbs over the last 8 months, I can knock these 6 back off in a week or two.

I keep meaning to ask...why did you pick 45 days?

For the first few days, every time the phone rang or a text came in, I hoped it was from her, even though I wasn't going to take the call or respond. Just to know I was on her mind. Now, it would shock me. I think she's respecting my wish for NC to the best of her ability, and I'm sure she has things going on in her life, so it really doesn't bother me. As I was typing this, a call came in from the fraud prevention unit for one of her credit cards. I took the call, thinking I'd get a live person so I could give them her cell number so they could contact her directly. It was an automated line, and it was going to ask me to verify some charges. I hung up before I heard what any of them are. Its really none of my business, and if they call again, I'll see if they have a contact number I can use to pass along her new information. If not, I hope she gave them alternate contact information, because I won't break NC just to let her know they called.

Day 21 - 21 freaking days without seeing her, without talking to her. I honestly didn't think I'd make it this far. I got my butt back to the gym today after about a 2 month layoff, which was as much do to a shoulder injury and tax season as it was to the divorce. It felt good, and I'm going to take a nice bath as soon as American Idol is over. Well, I guess a few minutes later, since its ending now. Overall a good day. I missed her, like always, and reserved the day to work on myself. That's more important to me right now. She knows I love her, she'll reach out to me if I want to. Still frustrated in my attempts to act out this other woman. I'm having trouble getting in touch and may resort to asking her out via e-mail. That's classy. I had some drama with the ex-employee I fired yesterday. She took some swipes at me that I think were unfair. This woman makes my ex look stable. She is a mess of problems, and won't take responsibility for them. She had some valid points, IMO, but mostly she was going the "poor me" route.

I've decided to pass. I'm going on a little 2 day trip next week, and finances wise, doing both trips doesn't make sense. I may catch the races in Detroit later. I don't think Detroit compares to SD, but what the hey.