alwaysafraid

Well you guys seem to understand and maybe you can help me with mine. I found after getting dumped the internet was a good way to have a connection with people at the same time it seemed like you aren't likely to get hurt. You all know there are people you talk to for a little bit and then they disappear you are like ok whatever and you deal. Then there is that person who just gets you, the one who everytime you get on the computer you hope they are there. I met this guy for me in October he was great we talked forever. Then one day in november he was upset, I still don't know why. I was like I am sorry and it was weird and he disappeared. I emailed him once and he never replied I was like ok, but I thought about him all the time and it hurt me I was like how can someone I have never met hurt me so bad. I thought about him everyday, then out of nowhere he imed me on a different screenname I was like hey. We talked I said I never thought I was going to hear from you again and he was like why? I said I missed talking to him he said he missed me too. We talked a lot again he lives in CA I am in the midwest. I had a trip out there and we were planning to meet and all the days we were supposed to didn't work out I don't know if he was scared or what the final time we didn't meet was a huge mistake I got a phone call he was supposed to be out of town that day I didn't expect it to be him I have another friend that lives out there (just a friend I would move the earth for this other guy). So I got this phone call and it was a sh**ty day I was like I will call you back. I called my other friend back and he wasn't around and I found out a month later that it was the guy I was supposed to meet and I felt terrible like he thought I had all these people I was going to meet and I explained what happened, and since then things have been weird. I offered to fly out just to see him and I like everyone else am so guarded and afraid to get hurt but I like this guy so much. And then things have been a little weird and I was talking to someone else who said oh he is using you (which I think is so stupid and a waste of time) and I started thinking maybe he is. So I emailed him on Fri this is what I wrote suprisingly I have not heard back. Part of me knows he is never going to talk to me again and if I believe what I accused him of I shouldn't want to talk to him, but since friday all I want is for him to say you are wrong and talk to me I miss him so much and I just I don't know am looking for help from people who understand some advice on how to forget about him. I have always liked talking to you, you seemed to me someone who was honest and not about games and I thought I knew where I stood with you which to me was a friendship, until it became apparent that you couldn't care less about me. Unless you needed help or to have your ego stroked I wasn't worth your time. I don't know why the hell you started talking to me again. Didn't you have enough of the mind games the first time you did this to me? I hope it feels good cause you are very good at this. Saying what you think I want to hear, when all I want is honesty and you aren't even capable of that. If all you want is help with sh*t fine don't pretend to be my friend or pretend that you have any interest in me. The last time someone did that to me I was in high school and she just wanted my homework. I have always been upfront with you so believe me when I say I hope that you find what makes you happy and eventually learn that no matter what you think of someone, no one deserves the head games. By the way I have had enough of the mind f**king so you don't have to worry about me bothering you again>> All I want is to talk to me. I know the things I said needed to be said, and even if they hadn't been he still wouldn't be talking to me. I am just so hurt I feel like I got played and I am so mad at myself for letting someone treat me this way at the same time I want him back in my life so much

Miniwan, Guys and girls both have the same problem. I read an article one time that compared relationships to going out to eat. I don't know what you like to eat so whatever it is you order that and then your friend orders something completely different. When your food comes you wish you would have gotten what they ordered. You really like what you are going to eat, but there's just looks better, why? Because its not yours. People need to be in a place in their life where they can let someone else in and be able to say ok I will eat fried rice everyday know and be ok not trying the other things out there. Its not so much about playing the field and fooling around as something within them they have not found and they won't until they know who they are. You could be with the greatest person in the world and have insecurities or doubts about your own life and look around and say hey I would like to have the single with a side of all my weekends free, because its what you need at that point. I don't know if this makes much sense or helps, but I do the same thing I am happily single right now and don't even want to think about a relationship(trust issues thanks to my ex) but its not about him anymore its me I am doing things I couldn't do or WOULDN'T do if I was in a relationship. Not that having someone around wouldn't be grea, but it would put my life on hold. I hope this helps a little

I apparently will be taking on the pessimistic role of the devil's advocate here. You are 25 she is 18. That is not a huge age difference and in most cases it wouldn't matter except for the fact that she is under 22. Women change a lot from high school to about 21-22. I can tell that you care a lot about this woman, which in turn makes her feel incredbly special. Here's the kicker though she is using you. She likes the idea of two men competing for her saying the right things to you to keep you around, and what does she tell him? Did you wonder why her new bf wanted to beat you up at the club. Its a game and unfortunately a lot of girls and guys play it. To have you doing anything that she says holding on to a glimmer of hope that you may get back together makes her feel important wanted loved sought after. Not every woman has men fighting over her. For all you know she calls her new bf up and says yeah my ex keeps calling me messaging me blah blah blah. In an effort to make him very jealous of you. So not only does she have you on your knees doing whatever she asks, he is so enthralled with her that the thought of another man(driven deep into his mind by your lovely ex girlfriend) makes him insanely jealous why. Because that is how great she is. She is 18 years old and the thing she needs to feel in her life is wanted and chased and to know that she can get whatever she wants by asking. It is immature, but so is she. In 6 years she may regret her behavior or thrive on the dissention she causes. I know this is not what you want to hear. We all want to hear that our exes love us and secretly want us back but there is this great chasm keeping us apart. If that were true your ex would not be playing these games. Look at that night at the club she KNEW you were going to be there and that you didn't want to see them. She brings him in and makes a point of telling you how much he wanted to beat you up. You do not deserve that. Not all women are like that but between 18-22 watch out for what they say or do because honestly they are not trustworthy. Tell her off that you don't deserve to be treated that way. You want to know what she will do? She will call you and say she is leaving the other guy. Because now you are the one who she isn't sure if she can have. It isn't about you or the new bf its about her and she is playing the two of you against each other and no matter what she wins. You decide you are sick of her crap she still has him, he decides he is sick of it she still has you. For right now though she is pulling both your strings. I am sorry to be so harsh about this, but her behavior makes me sick. You sound like a great guy and you deserve someone who will see that, not f*** with your head to get attention. The only thing I hope for you is that you move on because she sounds like trouble and a waste of time. No one who really cared about you would make you do this bullsh**. It is the most difficult thing to do realizing the person you think you love is not right for you and moving on but look at it this way No one is on here telling of how great our relationship is as an inspiration most people came here because someone they love hurt them. I love the advice I got and think this site is incredible, but the number one sign that the person you are with or going after is wrong is asking advice on here. You don't need our help if they aren't hurting you. And if they care about you they aren't hurting you. Most of us came to this site for the same reason our issues may have changed and our outlooks improved, but we all understand what it feels like to be hurt and want to do anything to never have to feel that pain again. This is just my opinion for all I know she is a perfect little princess. Always take any advice you get with a grain of salt. You are the only one who can make up your mind on this one. Keep playing her game and getting hurt or move on and hurt for awhile but you'll heal. I really am not trying to be hurtful I am basing my opinion off of what you have said. ---- Man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest

It sounds like you two are both insecure about where you are at in the relationship. You think she wants to move on, by asking her these things she may think you are trying to move on without her. You two have been dating for 3 years you should be able to sit down with each other and discuss the situation. Do not do it over the phone you tend to make assumptions if you can't see someone's face and it is easier to say somethings that neither one of you means. If it has been two weeks since you two have talked I think the best thing all around is to quit playing games with each other waiting for the other one to bail first. Before you talk to her ask yourself a few questions 1. Do you love her, 2 Is there room to grow together in this relationship 3 Are you still together just because you have been for so long 4 When you think about your life do you see her in it. You have to decide if you love her for her and what she brings into your life or just because you two are comfortable with each other. Sometimes a relationship starts so fast that you end up finding out that the two of you are really only good friends, but don't want to hurt the other one. A friendship is a great base of a relationship but if that is as deep as your feelings run then you two should maintain(if at all possible) the friendship and then move on. Think about the questions and when you two get together be honest with each other don't tiptoe or be worried about hurting the other persons feelings that only makes things worse. I am not a fan of games and in a relationship you should not have to play the I am not going to call him/her lets see what happens. Just be upfront with each other you may find that you have both been insecure and that being together is what you want so you can build on that or you may find that you make better friends. The only way to know is to talk to each other about it. I hope that it works out. If you two had already broken up I would suggest NOT calling, but you are still together why should you be worried about calling someone who supposedly loves you? Best of luck.

First of all who is prescribing the antidepressants? A primary physician or a psychiatrist? Are you going to counseling as well? A primary care provider knows a little bit about a lot of things they try and do what they can and when that doesn't work they should send you on to a specialist. Counselors are the best people to talk to a a psychiatrist will still have to prescribe your meds, but they don't spend much time counseling you. A good provider wants to help you and make you better starting you on meds so that you can come out of the place that you are in then they work to heal you so that you don't need to be on drugs anymore. The most insightful thing any of my friends ever told me was "people are supposed to be happy' I have a lot of friends who like me spend their time wanting to do nothing more than sleep or watch tv. We are not lazy we just can't make ourselves do anything. You wake up with plans of what you will get done and by the end of the day you haven't done any of it. You have been through a lot at your age and you should not feel that just take a medication will make you better. The meds won't take away the memories or the pain that you experienced, and if you lay around all day you don't have to feel pain because you haven't done anything that can hurt you. There are a lot of people who feel the same way you do. I am one of them my alarm goes off at 6 and I get to work at 11. I can't make myself get up and I am working on that. Is there anything that you have ever really enjoyed doing? Maybe you should find a part time job like twice a week so that you can spend more time around people your age you wouldn't have to get daycare if you did it when the father was home. Finding something that you can enjoy might help. Like after you take your daughter to the park and get some things done that you know you need to finish then you can rent a movie or treat yourself some how. Use a reward system as corny as that sounds to motivate you to start doing other things. You won't get better overnight and for people like us it is a constant battle to get up and face the day to the point where it seems worthless, but there is a lot out there for us and you want to show that to your daughter. I hope this helps a little. I suggest counseling or group therapy and then maybe change the meds you are on they may not be working. Best of luck

People experience pain and suffering in very different ways. Your ex may love and it may be hard for him. He did suggest the break up and that doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you as a person and may even love you, but wherever he is at in his life right now it doesn't seem like you are really part of it. When you love someone your world seems so right and it is hard to think that you have met someone that completes you so much and they don't feel the same in return. It isn't fair and it makes things that much harder that he doesn't see that you didn't mean it when you said that you wanted to break up to him that may have been what he was hoping you would do. I don't know you or him so I can only make assumptions based on what you have said and my own experiences. The hardest thing for me to get over was loving someone who didn't love me back at the time I couldn't believe it. Everything is great. Understand that even if he doesn't return the same feelings and this doesn't work out there is someone who will appreciate and love you the same way that you do. I can tell you all the cliches like you kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. The only thing I have found helps in a situation like this is time and finding confidence in yourself. He will never give you the answers you seek. The ones he does will only confuse and hurt you more. I hope for everyone on here that they find the love that they are looking for, but I feel the person that brings people to this site is the person you will learn the most from about love loss and regaining your own perspective. I wish you the best of luck

One reason he may be keeping your stuff is that he may still have feelings for you and seeing you before he feels over you will make it harder. You are talking about school so I am assuming you two are young. Believe me the person you are is a different person than you will be in five years and so is he. Break ups are hard not only because the person is gone from you as a partner but also as a friend no matter how hard you try to keep them in your life it is difficult to maintain a friendship. I agree with princess go get your stuff. Then start to look at the person you are what are your goals what things do you want to do. Take this time to realize your dreams and make a plan how to achieve them. Because you aren't together doesn't make either of you bad people it just means you aren't right for each other. No matter how much you think that he is the one for you. If he was the one for you then you wouldn't be looking for our help right now. Good luck.

Max I think a lot of people on this site can relate to your situation. There are a few possibilities with this guy. One he is being completely honest and needs to get his life together before he can think of including someone else in it. Two he wasn't the person you thought he was all along and has decided the relationship is not what he wants and doesn't want to look like a jerk so is trying to make you feel a little bad so that it is easier on him to break up with you(my ex did a similar thing great relationship holidays with the family you are the greatest person ever bla bla bla but he left me for another girl) Three he is confused and maybe testing your relationship. These are my theories and he is the only one who knows his motivations. The hardest thing to accept I have learned is that you will never get the answers that you want. He may come back to you. It happens, but don't get your hopes up because if he doesn't you will get your heart broken all over again and then it is that much harder to trust the next person who maybe the one who is right. If you are worried about the issues he is having call him ONE last time. Tell him that even though this hurts right now I want you to know that you are important to me and that if I can help or you just need a friend I will be here for you and if you feel there is anything else you might want to say as though this is the last time that you will ever talk to him again. Then try and realize that the choice is more about the chooser than the choice. It is him you did nothing but offer yourself to someone you thought felt the same way about you only your actions are in your control. At this point all you can do is think of this as a happy memory and don't let it bother you or weigh you down go out have fun. You have told him what you needed to say and there is nothing left to do. DO NOT call him again. Sometimes people say that they want to be friends because it seems like the right thing to do. If he means it he will call you. I don't know how you are feeling right now, but do not let what he has decided make you feel bad about yourself or that you did something wrong. As hard as it is to believe it is him not you.

If you have read any of my other posts this one is quite different. I have come a long way personally and learned a lot about myself. Most importantly that I never do anything challenging. I am 25 years old last year I moved away from my friends and family for the first time. It was very hard and it took a lot to get used to. I now know one of the main reasons I left was because of my job. Its weird I know why not just get a job in the same town. I loved the people I worked with, but the job was killing me I had to go to the doctor and I had such high levels of stress and anxiety. In order to leave my job and not feel bad I moved(there were other reasons). Well I started working ina clinic and when some of the people there found out my research background I was moved back into the same job, I should have known it was a bad idea, but if you read my other posts at the time doing something familiar was what I needed. I took the position because it was the easy thing to do. I have never been happy here and have made the decision to leave. If you have made it this far thank you for staying with me. I have applied for school in the fall full time I don't know if that is going to happen yet I have also looked into joining the army national guard. At this point in time I feel that would actually be the best thing for me. Everything to me has been fairly chaotic and the sense of order and regiment that it involves appeals to me. I don't know if I am just looking for anything to stimulate me anyway that it can for the past year I feel I have been walking around in a daze my mood being depressed to apathetic this is not the person that I am and I hate it. I see this opportunity as something that would help me at the same time I question whether I am making the right choice. I know the right thing is to leave my job, but what do you think about someone like me joining the military. I know only I can make the decision, and right now I feel that I would thrive in that environment but I also now that I am prone to act rashly. I have talked to people in the military and non-military people and their responses are divided. I know thise is terribly long and probably not as clear as I would like it to be, but I have sought advice here before and found comfort and help and this seems like a good place to go to. Thank you for anyone who read through this far and more thanks if you have any advice.

In reply to Boromir you said but I have a hard time believing that a guy can be married for 40 years and never have the desire to have sex with another women REGARDLESS what is wife is doing for him. I don't believe that man are all that different in sexual urges and to assume that in that same period of time a woman has never thought or had the desire to have sex with another man is naive. We can find other people attractive and look at them, but that doesn't mean that the person we are with is less attractive to us or less deserving of our love and devotion. Understanding and accepting the fact that their are other attractive people out there of both sexes is something we all need to do. I know that the guy I am with will find other women attractive as I will find other men attractive. I don't feel that there is an attack on porn here, if so then my previous post though clear as mud does not portray what I had hoped. The issue that I saw is that BarbieDoll feels less attractive when faced with her boyfriend looking at other naked women. And men and women don't normally look at porn because their partner is unattractive to them. If that is why you are looking at porn then do your partner a favor and let them find someone else who is willing to accept them flaws and all.

When I was younger and dating I found out that my ex looked at porn. I was so hurt because to me it meant that I didn't really do much for him and these were the kind of people that he was looking for. Over the years and various experience I learned that I was wrong. I spent a lot of being jealous over something that I could not control. He was not looking at them because he wanted me to be them. He was very happy with the way that I looked, but also from coming from bad relationships I don't see that I look good, the little self-esteem I have doesn't come from the way that I look. He did not want me to be those women or need me to look like them. My last boyfriend then dumped me for a hooters girl further confirming that I am not good enough(translation attractive enough for anyone to love me). For some reason all we can focus on are looks. It took me along time to get over how I need to be like her to find someone. The thing is I don't want to be like her, she works at hooters(no offense), but at 25 through hard work I am a Research Coordinator for hepatology and I have a pretty decent body, ironically pretty big hooters myself. I have accomplished so much in my life to get where I am and to compare myself to a woman and always come up lacking, is wrong. And you shouldn't feel that you aren't good enough because you don't look like those women, looks are what people see not who we are and you yourself have said that you are attractive, on top of that its everything else that your boyfriend loves about you. I have my own issues for spending a lot of time on the internet, a good deal of it is spent in sex chat rooms, looking at porn, or exchanging pictures of me and others. I could go into the psychology of due to past relationships I am afraid to meet real people now, but I have rambled on more than enough. I started a few months ago and now when I do its mainly to kill time or out of boredom. Believe me your boyfriend wouldn't choose the women on their over you. . Viewing the pictures on the internet is an idle time filler, if he started to make plans to meet people, which he doesn't sound like he's doing then its different. And more importantly you have no reason to jealous of them or worry about not being like them, though they are attractive (believe me there are plenty of unattractive naked people on the internet) you are who we loves, being with you mind body and soul is what ultimately turns him on. I am sorry that this is so long and I hope it makes sense, but I am speaking as someone who porn has made feel bad about themselves(i.e. not good enough) and also as someone who spends a good deal of her time looking at porn now, our perspectives change I guess. I think that the fact he is willing to not look at it because it makes you uncomfortable is a sign of how he feels for you. Though its extremely hard to believe not everyone will hurt you by waiting for him to hurt you, when clearly that is the last thing he wants to do, will cause exactly that to happen. You can only say to someone you can't possibly love me or find me attractive so much before they look at you and say you're right. Be happy(again extremely difficult)with who you are physically as well as everything about you. When you can start believing all the good things that everyone around you feels about you then it shows and changes how you see everything. Best of luck with everything.

I don't know why. I have been doing really well lately almost even happy with myself and where I am. Last night I was afraid to go to bed because I didn't want to have to get up today. I have been at work for over and hour. I am terrified to move like if I do something bad is going to happen. I think this all sounds entirely crazy because I can't think of a reason why I feel this anxious. I don't know if anyone has ever felt like this or knows what I can do. I just feel like there is something terribly wrong I can't put my finger on and eventually it is just going to suffocate me. I don't know if anyone can help me not feel this way, but I appreciate your taking the time to read this.

I dont feel that she is saying that she wants to make someone feel inadequate. I think that she is what she says she is inexperienced. Hearing who knows what from everyone about size and how great sex is all the time. It sounds as though it was difficult with the first guy and if he had a hard time how will a smaller guy be able to make her cum. To me it is inexperience, lack or resources, and misinformation

A few things to think about was she seeing anyone else, has she recently been left. To be the devil's advocate here think about these things. After all this time is she trying to get in contact with you so that she can be friends with you or because she thinks you two can work out. Or is it because she is using you so she isnt alone. She knows that you are a nice guy and will likely take her back. If her motives are unselfish and this is something you want to pursue then do it. You will have to start over and learn to trust her again. I hope this helps a little and good luck

In High School there are so many issues and so much drama that everything that happens is contsrued as a betrayal. If your friend is really still into him but you really want to go out with him you owe it to her to tell her. Before you go out with him tell her that he likes you and you like him would it bother you if we went out. If not then go out with him if it would that is your call to choose between a guy and a friend. Because in High School friendships are ruined over a lot less. Girls especially are very hard on one another and can make school miserable. You never know. You have to do what you feel is right. In situations like this someone always gets hurt so you just have to lay it out for everyone and see what happens.