lostandhurt

This is why couples counseling is so important. There is no way of avoiding anything sitting in that room talking with a professional. It gets real super fast for both of you. Many times on this site we see someone like you that is in a relationship that is not doing well and then they meet someone and a spark is ignited. Is it real or is it just you have been starved for that feeling for so long? Then they decide they never really loved their partner or some other justification for what they are doing. Like I said the first lie a cheater tells is to themselves. Put in the effort with an open mind. It may only last 3 or 4 sessions before you both realize the marriage is over or if it is worth saving but at least you BOTH will be involved in the discussion. Every time you pick up your kid for your visitation and then drop them off again you can at least look them in the eye and know you tried your best before you broke the family apart. You might see it as a waste of time but if your wife sees what you see in counseling then the chances of a non adversarial divorce are a lot higher. She gets blindsided and who knows how this could go... Lost

These are your words right from your very first thread on here. "even though I'm the perfect guy with very good qualities. Girls should desire me and want me. I am the epitome of perfection! I am absolutely fabulous yet somehow, I still find myself on the sidelines while other guys who are not as good as me have more girls and are doing very well in the dating world." The common denominator in all this is YOU. It doesn't matter if it is in real life of on a dating app. You are still the center of this situation and having this grandiose vision of yourself is not attractive. You might think it doesn't show but it does. So what you have been doing hasn't been working for you. Instead of blaming women and the apps how about you take a step back and take a good hard look at yourself and see what you see. Yes women have options and they do not owe you or anyone else a chance if they are not attracted to you. How many women have you talked to or met for a drink that you are not attracted to? I would guess zero. The good news in all this is you can change and grow as a person and become more attractive. There are so many of us that know some guy that is less than attractive but has a great personality and is funny and they seem to be with attractive women a lot. Women can sense things in men and if a guy is putting off the kind of vibes you are then they will take a pass most of the time. Get off the apps, get into some self discovery and STOP blaming others for your failures. This is the only way to succeed. Ask the lovely ladies here what they want most in a man and see what they say. This is fixable but you have to work hard on it. Lost

I am sure some of you are curious as to how it is going so here is an update: Spring has sprung so I have been super busy on the property, you tube channel and yes seeing her. I have seen her a 3 times since I last posted. The other night we were cooking dinner together and I brought up why she asked me (in a text) if I was losing interest in her. Like all of us she can be insecure and not sure exactly how this is going which seems to be where the question came from. It lead me to bring up some questions I had for her. I let her know I see this getting serious but I did have some concerns so we talked and got it all out in the open. My concerns were her passion towards me as it seemed very subdued. Others were stemming from comments she has made about intimacy and the like. Basically she wants to be in love with me before she can truly let go and show that type of passion. This is all new to me as I am used to having women all over me fairly early on and I do really like that she is holding to her convictions. I don't feel like this is wrong or not a good thing, it is just new to me. Our communication is the best I have ever had in my entire life which is so nice and I am unafraid to bring up anything and talk about it and neither is she it seems. I can feel myself falling for her and she has told me she is falling for me. It feels good and my heart is open. Lost

Did you ever love your wife? Were you ever In Love with her? If so why can't you try and regain that BEFORE throwing it all away? Yes it may seem impossible right now but that is because it took a while to get where you are and yet you have put virtually no effort into getting back there. Let me be perfectly frank with you. You owe it to your vows and your daughter to at least try and by try I mean paying a professional couples counselor that knows what they are doing to help you both figure out how you got here and if you can find your way back. When you are divorced, lost most of your stuff, paying child support and alimony for a long time and are alone struggling to go day to day the one thing you can look back on is that you tried your best to save the marriage. If you don't the question will always hang over your head. If you both try and save what was once built on hopes and dreams full of love and it cannot be saved then you both can divorce knowing you tried and then neither is the bad guy and you can face your daughter and each other knowing divorce was the right choice made together. As far as this other woman is concerned. Cheating is a choice made by selfish people. You state it could happen again because of the state of your marriage but that is a lie. Cheaters lie all the time and the first lie they ever tell is to themselves. You cheated but it was not due to the state of your marriage, you cheated because you are selfish and only thought of yourself but you lie to yourself to make what you are doing less of a bad thing. Own it and while in therapy figure out why you so easily betrayed your wife, daughter and your character. You cheated because you chose to just like you can choose not to cheat. It is all on you either way and nobody else. Keep posting it will help and do a search on here and do some reading. Your story is pretty common so you might glean some insight into your future by reading others threads. Good luck Lost

Thank you I would say I have got this more now than any other time in my life. If we could all be as wise as we are now when we were youngsters... Lost

A quick update: I met her daughter and son in law briefly and it seems I got a passing grade which I knew the daughters approval was important. I didn't kiss her butt or anything I was just me like I always am. We ran an errand together, got some dinner and then went for a walk in a very large park nearby. As we sat and watched the sunset we talked and talked like we do so easily. Back at her place cuddling I did ask "I assume you hid your profile(s)?" To which she grabbed her phone to show me she had deleted every single app even as I protested that she didn't have to show me as her word was good enough. In my gut I knew she had. Her walls are coming down as she can see and feel the connection between us growing. She made a statement or it was a question "I am sure most of the women you have dated you would have had sex by the second of third date right?, but I am not like that" I acknowledged that she is correct then kissed her softly and told her "I like that you aren't like those other women" I feel really good about how things are going. Lost PS I cannot stress enough how nice it is that you all are worried I might get hurt and are looking out for me. I do really appreciate it and I don't view it as you being negative towards my situation. I am a big boy and can take the hit. Remember my wife of 20 years cheated on me and went sideways leaving me to care for our disabled son all those years ago. I came out of all that stronger and wiser in many ways thanks to this forum.

I totally agree. There are jerks out there, users, people using dating apps as a form of entertainment, scammers, players, gold diggers, narcissists and on and on BUT there are also really good people out there searching for that someone special. It is wonderful that you met your bf and are happy. If you were to only watch the news to form your view of the human race it isn't hard to think the world is 90% horrible people but there are way more good people out there than bad. Lost

No you are not but I have been down this path more than a few times. I was auctioned off as a Bachelor 2 years in a row and met tons of women while doing that. I have done OLD several times, met women in real life and been on countless fix up blind dates. I know exactly what I am looking for and only agree to meet someone that I see potential in. In a nutshell I have a pretty good picker. I am not most men. If you have read anything I add to threads on this forum you can probably see that. I have been single for 9 years with lots of dates and lots of time between just me living my life hoping to meet someone IRL. OLD is not therapy for me, it is not a way to hook up or use anyone. I am really good emotionally, physically and financially and want to share my life with someone special. I have mentioned earlier I am not afraid of being hurt as I know it will not destroy me. I am strong and confident and trust my instincts. If this doesn't work out it will be disappointing but my life will go on as it was before we met. I have a very full life and I do thank you for looking out for me but I like being smitten with her and I like that she is smitten with me. Being unafraid of taking a leap of faith in someone is not a weakness in my mind, it is one of my strengths. Having a good picker helps 😉 Lost

She has commented several times how safe she feels with me. Of course she is comparing me to several other guys she had met previous to me that wanted only one thing and kept pushing for it so the bar wasn't too high. I know everyone is different and have unique needs before that wall comes down. I am content and happy as things move forward at a pace she is comfortable with. Lost

His answer when you confronted him is also your answer. He sees nothing wrong with it even though he knows it hurts you and the relationship. This is all you need to know. The man that says he loves you and wants to devote his life to be with you is doing the exact opposite. You aren't even married and this is what is going on. Can you imagine what it will be like 3 years in? I know you want to save this but it is pretty clear you are the only one that cares. You cannot change him, beg him to be an honest man or teach him how to respect and honor a relationship. All you can do is look after yourself and move away from a relationship that is nothing more than a shell of what you had hoped for. I am sorry but it is over, the only question left is when you kick him to the curb. Lost

It all depends on how you use it. Since you need more than what you see on the apps you will have to take the next step and swipe right on the few that do give you pause. A quick coffee and discussion will tell you all you need to know. In your case a first meet is mandatory more often then someone that falls for a few pictures, talks on the phone or texts back and forth and then meets. You would do best to accelerate it to meeting as soon as possible somewhere public. I don't know how popular it is but E Harmony is a question based app where if I remember correctly you can't even see their pictures until the app matches you with a pretty extensive questionnaire with 80 questions. OLD is a tool to meet people you might no otherwise run into in your day to day life. How you use that tool should be your own unique choice. Lost

I agree change apps, this one is not working for you. I know it can feel like that but I assure you there are men out there looking for more than a hookup. The older guys sending you messages is just what happens but it shows that the demographic you are shooting for is not on that app. When you search how many men do you see that you would seriously like to meet? Lets say you looked at 100 profiles how many in that group on that app would you be willing to meet for a drink? Lost

We cooked dinner together at her place last night and I totally forgot to ask. I see her again towards the end of the week so I will bring it up then in person. Lost

I agree. Simply taking yourself off the market so to speak by hiding it early on is a good choice. Lost

I agree but she didn't need to grab her phone that second to validate our discussion. In fact letting her choose when and where without me looking over her shoulder is a sign of trust on my part. Either I trust her or I do not. I choose to trust her. Lost