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Guitarguy_82

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  • Birthday 01/01/1980

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  1. Saw an old photo of you ever so briefly after finding an old camera in a box I was moving around. Looked for a fraction of a second and it immediately took me back to that place. Things were so good back in that moment in time when that picture was taken. It was all new, fresh, fun. I immediately turned the camera off, removed the batteries, and stuffed it in a drawer. Maybe I'll find it again in a year...but hopefully not repeat that mistake. For a moment, I cringed and wanted to reach out. It's been 8+ months since we last spoke. Obviously I miss you. Clearly I still have deep feelings for you. Maybe I'm not ready to be indifferent. I'm sure if I went on social media and saw what you were up to, I'd lose it completely. I wonder how you are. I wonder if you are happy. As much as I miss the good memories, I can't help but also remember the bad ones. It's a cruel, double edged sword, these memories. I wonder if you feel the same. Maybe one day I wont feel this way, and will be able to look through all of our old pictures and simply smile with fondness. I'm sorry things didn't work out. I really miss all the little secrets we had and shared. I miss your mind and your voice. I'm trying to improve myself slowly. My health isn't where I want it to be and sometimes I feel a lot older than I am. My goal is to be healthy by next year and maybe that will open new doors for me socially. Maybe I'll find new friends. Maybe I'll meet someone new. Who knows. I have to keep focus on the "new". I must press forward. If I reach out and go back now...I won't feel like I accomplished what I set out to do. I realize I'm betting on myself...but its all I can do. Only I can make myself happy going forward. I hope one day, if we ever re-connect, you'll see that and be proud.
  2. First just let me say I miss you and hope you are ok. I know its only been a week or so...but I feel like time is precious. I feel bad how our last conversation went. Obviously I didn't expect you to say that you wanted to be alone...but I understand. I know I didn't answer your question the way you wanted me to. It's a question I still don't know how to answer. I love you...(at least I think I do. I am not sure if I its just a word we got comfortable saying and never truly realized what it meant)...I know how happy you have made me in the past and how much fun we can have together. You took me on a journey into a world that I was just beginning to be aware of and showed me how much more it could be. How much more special it could be. I know that you are a special and one of a kind person. I don't know if I will ever find something like that again...so it makes this difficult to understand why I was unable to give you the answer you wanted. Does it all come back to attraction? I imagine you in these fantasy settings in my head...but its not you. It's a version of you that doesn't exist....even though I might want it to. I feel like you didn't understand me...and I know you felt the same way about me not understanding you. I know you wanted to move forward fast. I know you wanted assurances. I know you also wanted your cake and to have it too. It was just a lot to accept at once perhaps. So if I reached out...what would happen? We would discuss these same things...and I would reach the same conclusions...and we would continue the up and down back and forth. Maybe this time is needed. I need to find a way to get back to center and let go of some of these things that have a hold on me. You are the best thing that happened to me in the last few years. I need to understand why I wasn't able to go through with it.
  3. I'm missing you so much today. It's always when I let my mind wander too much and think about the what ifs. You change and contort in my head as I remember things that did happen, and things that I think are going to happen, and of course all the things that I could have done differently. Some days I feel good about where I'm at, and confident in my path, and to a large degree I'm still optimistic. And of course on the other end I feel loss, confusion, doubt. I miss all those good happy times. All the nights of just us doing our thing. Sharing that special part of our lives that only we got to do. It's been a week since we've talked, or rather, "communicated", as you are so fond of doing via snapchat, which to me is only kinda communicating. It's just window dressing. We aren't actually talking, person to person. I miss our real conversations. When our minds were one. I don't know really how to proceed sometimes. I know NC is the general way to go, but my god is it difficult. I'm fairly isolated as it is and now you are removed from my life, which makes this space feel even more hollow. I can only read so many uplifting quotes and calming passages. There's only so many distractions. Obviously at some point I need a new social circle besides seeing my family once a week. I'm ready for something new. The prospect of "new" is what keeps me going. New music, new places, new food...little things that remind me that life is going forward and not backward. You, however, decided to fall in with your old click, the ones you said caused you so much turmoil and drama, and yet it would appear to be that they are more than happy to pull you back in and provide an easy, quick comfort for you. Just like when you cheated, and it was quick and easy for you. How convenient, right? I know I made mistakes too. I've gone over them over and over and I think I just have to acknowledge what I did, what you did and forge ahead. I'm just so sorry that things turned out this way. I really didn't want it to be like it was. I thought I could be better and who you wanted me to be...AND who I wanted to be. Maybe there was just too much on my plate to even attempt to be both when I didn't have a solid foundation to even figure out what I needed first. There's so much I could have shown you about how I could love you. I regret not showing you more of that. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be...and I should have gone with my gut on day 1. Again, more what ifs... When I pull back from the situation I know that I will move on and do better and will love myself first. I know that I have a task ahead of me to be strong for both of us and not let the black hole swallow me in like before. I know that there is a future. ...but for right now, this instant, I just miss the hell out of you.
  4. Funny how I've ended up on this thread again. I guess that is just a testament to its usefulness. I miss you, and I miss the way you made me laugh. I miss the way you made me think and how you supported me and wanted me to succeed. I know you still do, and I know I can reach out to you whenever I want. For now, I can't. At least not right now. You messed up, and I caught you. I messed up too, and you caught me before. Does that make us even? Was it all a lie? What part of it was ever the truth or were we just playing each other the whole time? We had good moments, and lots of bad ones. I think deep down, I know that you weren't the one. You are a sweet girl, and I still care deeply for you and want you to do well. I know you will have a great life. But this needs to be about me. I have a lot I need to fix and resolve in my own life before I can be in an adult relationship again. The fact that I cheated and you cheated and we both lied to each other was just proof that we both had a lot of issues with trust and respect. I don't think we knew what love was. I want to be happy, just as I want you to be happy. Maybe we will end up being friends down the road some day. I hope by then I will be in a much better place emotionally and be able to handle a friendship with you. I miss all the silly little things. Dumb texts, snapchat, things that only we shared in our little world. I will try to look back on the good times and not focus on the bad ones. I want to be better going forward. I need new friends, a new job, a new life. I just want to be at peace.
  5. This is looking like it could be a disaster waiting to happen. YOU told me that you wanted to be friends. I accepted, probably naively, because I thought it could work. Silly me. Lying and manipulating and petty jabs...is that what you think friends do? Oh and let's not forget to include a wink with every F**king text you send. Really?? Are you 13?? To be brutally honest, its no wonder your "best" friend deserted you. It's no wonder your family doesn't talk to you. It's no wonder you crawl back to your old ex's and your precious "community" of losers for safety and comfort. (as you so mockingly stated, you are a creature of habit, right?!?!) You are just a scared little girl. Insignificant. Weak. Broken. I believed in you, and I still hope that you'll go on to succeed in grad school. You have the brain for it, but you choose to revert back to your old ways oh so easily. Is that what you think "changing for the better" is?? What a joke. I shouldn't expect anything from you. Ever. It hurts me to say these things. But its how I feel. Yes, I'm angry and upset with you. I'm also angry and upset with myself. On day one, I should have turned around and walked away. I'm grateful for the experiences we shared that were indeed good, and we did have some good times. We both learned a lot about each other. I guess I shouldn't really say much negatively at you, since I screwed up as well. I'm not perfect, and I know I have my own issues to work on. I don't know anymore if the truth even matters. We are both going to just lie about it anyway.
  6. I've been so so for the last 24 hours...but i'm starting to get those same feelings of panic coming up every now and then. I really want to reach out to you and tell you how sorry I am. But what will that accomplish? I know how you work. You will use it against me and tell me how its not fair that I could send a text so nasty, and then a few days later turn around and I'm basically on my knees begging for forgiveness. What kind of message does that send? My options are to either do nothing, wait a little longer and then maybe contact you, or contact you now and risk putting the nail in the coffin. I want you in my life. Even with all your flaws and quirks....I want you. But then I wonder....were we ever really friends? Or were we just trying to keep the flame alive because we don't want to be alone? We never really had much in common. Whenever we went out all i wanted to do was kiss you. I rarely agreed with your opinions, and you never agreed with mine. You always had such indifference towards anything I said or brought up. ...oh but if you have something to say, I sure as hell better pay attention and make sure I acknowledge that you said what you said. You need positive reinforcement. You thrive off of ego boosting. That's just how you are. I'm wondering if this was all for the best at the end of the day. I could never really be myself around you. Well rather, I was always one-type of version of myself around you. I was always on eggshells, always trying to play it cool, always so "proper" as you said. In your defense, you wanted me to open up...and I have no problem doing that with other people....but with you I just wasn't able to. Is it because I know that at the end of the day I will never see you as a marriage partner? There's so many other potential women out there who I could be with and have a family with.... But I still want you as my friend. I want to speak Spanish with you. I want to talk about stupid movies with you. I want to talk about coffee with you. All those dumb little things, I miss. I want that part of you back. Not the part that digs under my skin and makes me feel like an idiot for saying even one wrong word or syllable. You upset me with your words when you said I would be a bad father, and I lashed out in a very inappropriate manner. The blind rage consumed me and I acted out of hatred. I regret that immensely....but then again it was always YOU who said things like "well if you want to act like that then just don't talk to me" or "well maybe we should just not be friends anymore"...or "if you don't want to talk then just say so and i'll walk away". I mean seriously, who says that? Are you that scared of being my friend? Do you just not like me as a person? Do you respect me that little? That you would give me and ultimatum saying that if I don't want to talk then I should just end our friendship right now? Who says that??? Nobody. Who is that callous and selfish that they can end friendships so quickly just because the other person isn't acting the way YOU want them too?!? You can't control people! As much chaos is in your life...and as much control that you DONT have at your house with your overbearing mother and your huge ass family telling you what to do....you can't turn around and try to control your friends just because you're having a temper tantrum. As of today the general consensus is that I need to apologize, but I'm not going to do that. Especially not today. Maybe in a week or so....but by then, will you even care? Will you be so mad it wont matter what I say? Why exactly should I apologize when you were the one to say such stupid things! You never think before you speak! I'm very frustrated. And as long as I keep typing everything will be followed with a "but" or "though" or "and yet" or some other excuse that I will find to justify whatever logic I'm trying to follow at the time. Maybe that's my problem...I'm trying to use logic when there's this intense emotion backing everything. I hate you and I love you. How's that for messed up....
  7. I've been very confused the last few days. It is not a fun feeling for me. I go back and forth between hating your guts and wishing you were right here in front of me. What you said to me hurt me. A lot. That kind of insult just threw me over the edge, whereas if it was any other normal conversation, I would have been able to brush it off. Then again that's the kind of person you are, aren't you? You enjoy getting under my skin. You've said on numerous occasions that you laugh whenever I get mad. You feed off of people getting upset when you end up with the upperhand. Basically you're just a selfish *****. The way I "ended" things probably, no definitely, should have been more civil. I sent you that text and basically shut the world off. I have no idea if you even received it. I have no idea if you replied. I have no idea if you are alive or dead. I really did give you a piece of my heart at one point, but now I'm not sure why. It was always this cat and mouse game with us. We'd always take jabs at each other...but yours always hurt just a little bit more. Everyone has been telling me "don't sweat the small stuff" or "don't take things so seriously"...and yes, in hindsight, that is a great philosophy to follow. But when I get those moments after a bad day and you push me just over the edge....I lose it. I explode. and in this case, you were the target. Interestingly enough, everyone also says I need to apologize. I agree. I said some nasty things. I insulted you as a Christian, as a person, and I meant every single word.....at the time. I'm not your ego-booster, I'm not your pick me up, I'm not your backup plan, I'm not your doormat. I may have had feelings for you (and still do obviously or I wouldn't be posting this), but I had to let you know that you summoned the demon inside me that will go to great lengths to get my message accross when my limits have been pushed way beyond anything I'm capable of. Was it childish? Perhaps. I wanted you to hurt for once. My initial reaction was to cause you as much pain in one instance as possible. My initial mistake was not leaving the door open to even see if I caused pain. I send the text, and then went into hiding waiting for the aftermath to clear. At the end of the day, I wish I had not done it. There's other ways of dealing with things. I should have been honest with you, and told you how I feel. I suppose I was always scared of losing you. I'll tell you one thing though, I don't want to be stuck in this whirlwind of negative thinking. I've gotta move forward. Life will go on.
  8. I can almost stand on my own 2 feet again. I'm not plagued with thoughts of you 24/7. It all seems so trivial too, since we only dated for 3 months, I feel like I should just be over all of this already. Just be done with it. I'm even tired of talking about it!! I'm ready to break down the walls that I've built around myself...preventing me from living the life I deserve to live. You really had nothing to do with it, you were just the catalyst. I should thank you! Yes I still miss you. Yes I still love you. But come on, it was 3 months, I shouldn't have been in such a mess because of this! I've got my own thing going now, maybe in time I can let you back in and we can move past this. I wonder if you've changed? I wonder if you're still selfish and immature? If that's the case, then it's unfortunate for you. I accept you for who you are though. I can't force you to change. A part of loving you means that I want you to be happy, and I know you were not happy. I hope someday we can be in each others lives. I'm not holding my breath though.
  9. Not sure what day it is...its somewhere close to 2 months. For some reason today I feel like reaching out more than ever. I heard a Sublime song on the radio and thought of her...back before we even met...just getting high all the time. Seems so stupid but that's what I was thinking of. I miss her....but I won't give her the satisfaction of knowing that. Some of my friends say to follow my heart, some say I need to leave it alone. I'm confused...but I know I need to heal and move on regardless. Maybe I can open the door one day and be open to the idea of contact...but that is not going to happen today.
  10. You're starting to fade...ever so slightly. It's about time! Mornings are hard because my defenses are down...so you creep in and then take over for a few minutes. But things are getting better. I don't dwell all day like I used to. Don't get me wrong, a large part of me still misses you...still wants to connect...still wants to let you know how much I loved you and how much it sucks not being with you...but I know I deserve better. I know you acted the way you thought was right, but guess what...it wasn't good enough. It is sad really how you view things. So cold, so lifeless...but enough of the past. I wonder what you're up to. I wonder if you're dating. I don't feel indifferent to you...but it's almost getting there. I need more time to process a few more things and really clear my head out. I think going back to school will help with this. So that's how it is...we go our separate ways. We had horrible timing and the relationship just didn't work out. I tried...but not hard enough. You barely tried at all. I am sorry that I didn't try harder...but it's ok now. I can't keep beating myself up about it. You know why? because it doesn't matter anymore. It changes nothing. I get to walk away with clean hands and a lesson learned about myself. That's the positive from this. So much negative that I had been swimming in, and now I can see the positives. Maybe one day I will reach out...or unblock you...or let you know I'm still alive...but only when I've worked on myself more. I must kill all hope...for myself. I must let you go...for myself. Because I loved you...I must release you. I deserve better.
  11. For some reason I said "goodnight *****, i love you" right before I went to bed. Must have been delusional! I hope that's just my pre-sleep brain purging any remnants of you out of my system once and for all. I'm really sick and tired of being reminded of you at every corner and how little you really cared. All lies. All just words. You say you loved me....but now I choose to believe it was all a lie. And yet there you are...right where I left you. I can't tell you how bad I want to reach out...I feel like the ball is in my court. But I won't do it. I will never give you the satisfaction of knowing that I'm even remotely thinking about you. You don't deserve it. I'm doing my best to move on...and remove any source of love I once had for you. Maybe one day I'll get over this resentment. Maybe one day I'll be able to not care...just like you never did.
  12. Day 39 of NC...actually manifested the guts to block her and her best friend on FB... of course with that comes actually looking at their picture to verify that it is the person you want to block... I still can't look at pictures of the ex. As I blocked the friend I inadvertently found out some info from her page which leads me to believe that she is now living with the ex....meh...I figured something like that might happen. I hope the both of you rot in hell. I've had a few setbacks...I'm still in a haze....but it's getting better.
  13. I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore. Yes, I miss you. Yes, I still have love for you. But at the same time, I am realizing that I need to move on. We were at the wrong place and at the wrong time. You screwed up as did I. We both didn't set enough expectations for one another. I can't tell you how many times I go through the day thinking of you and things you said or did..or your stupid little FB posts. (God...you practically LIVE in facebook)...and it always makes me hurt. I hurt at the memory of you not being here, and I get angry at you. Angry for lying to me. Angry for deceiving me. And then I get angry at myself. Angry for not being vocal enough. Angry for not being able to properly talk things out with you (even though you are damn-near impossible to talk to) and see if there was some solution. All this anger. I want to lash out at you and just "tell you off"...but I know it won't ever matter to you. You're broken. You have no feelings. It's not an accusation...it's just the truth. And yet for some reason here I am beating myself up everyday for not being able to deal with your problems. What does that say about me? Why should I have cared so much? When you said you loved me, it broke down my defenses. I got too comfortable. I got lazy. I was just so happy to be in love again that I looked past everything else going on in your whirlpool of destruction. You were the sexy "bad" girl that I had wanted for so long..and I did everything I could not to screw it up. As it turned out, my caution was my undoing. You don't like caution. You like danger. You like strife. You like people as damaged as you are. I have my flaws, but there was no reason you needed to know about them. I should have kept my guard up around you at all points because you verbally attacked me and anyone else within hearing distance with your venom. It's funny too...I (at this moment in time) want that. I want to be as careless and reckless as you and have a "f**k the world" mentality. But then I realize how pathetic you are. I realize that because of your messed up past, you wallow in misery and hatred and you try to spread it to all who try to get close to you. So here I am, missing you, wanting you, feeling love for you, remembering all the good times, and at the same time knowing that I need to distance myself once and for all and learn to love myself again. I've done many things wrong in my life, and I did many things wrong with you....but for my own sanity, I cannot let them define me. I am beginning the journey to do what I can to work on myself and learn from the mistakes I made with you. I wonder if you'll think of me in time and remember only the good or only the bad...or perhaps you won't think of me at all. I suppose it shouldn't matter in the end, right? It's been 32 days since we last talked. A part of me wants to break NC...and a part of me doesn't. Needless to say, I've been very confused lately. My family has shown their support, I know I'm loved. My friends care, but I can tell they are tired of hearing my sob story: I need to heed their advice and move the hell on. Stop beating myself up. Walk away and never look back. Learn to live with myself...because at this very moment, there is no way I could sit in a silent room and deal with what goes through my head. Until I can do that, I won't ever talk to you. Good luck with your nursing path. Good luck finding a new job. I shouldn't care, but I still do. Please, leave my brain. Let me let go of you. Don't let me be fueled by hatred and anger like you. Let me be fueled by my own desire to be happy and experience all life has to offer.
  14. It's been almost 10 days since I sent you that text...asking you if you were ever going to grow up and keep your promises or just continue to be a cold-hearted * * * * * to anyone who gets close to you....I foolishly re-friended you on FB...only to see you so "happy" with your life now. Talking to other guys. Everything is just so peachy keen, isn't it? I know the truth. I know you're a miserable pile of secrets. I took the bait you threw out and fell hard when you left me high and dry. No more of that. You already know I love you and want you back. You win, OK? I know I screwed up. It wasn't just me though. You had your share of problems. The thing is that I actually wanted to work through them. I wanted to put in the effort to make things "right". You didn't. Apparently spending time tending your crops in Frontierville and taking pictures of your cats was more worthy of your time. Hanging out with other guys and keeping it a secret was more worthy of your time. What did you think was going to happen?? I would just be OK with it?? You don't keep secrets. If you want to hang out with friends, fine, but at least let me know. The fact that you thought it would cause a problem would lead almost anyone to think that something suspicious was going on. The point is this. We both screwed up. I wanted to give things another shot. You failed to follow through, just like you always do. You're a waste of a person. I don't know why I gave my heart to you, but you have it. You're "moving on" like you want everyone to believe and out screwing some other guy to make you feel loved. You don't know what love is. You said so yourself! I flat out asked you and you said you didn't know!!!! LOL how stupid can I be? Yet here I am. In love with you. Missing you. Wishing I was holding you. Your favorite songs stuck in my head in an endless loop of pain. I'm doing everything I can to banish them from my thought. I play my own music. You won't take that from me. I'm in control, not you. I was prepared to share my whole life with you. I know I wasn't perfect, but I wanted it to work for "us". Now I can't wait until you are completely erased from my memory. Rot in hell.
  15. Simply amazing. I felt like I could substitute the situation with my ex for yours in every single sentence. I wish I had your results!
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