einsteins_girl

I came accross this again today. I found it long ago. After we broke up. I still wish today, like I did then, that I could force you to read it. “You are not brave because you said no, or brave because you ran away, or because you looked love in the face and said “not today.” There is nothing courageous about the way you left me, open handed, palms outwards, waiting. I was standing at your door and I was saying “I will take you as you are if you will do the same for me.” You didn’t know how to. No one had taught you that wanting someone desperately is like sliding out of your clothes and out of your skin and laying yourself at their feet. All skin and no walls. All soul and no teeth, no metal, no keys. No one had shown you how lovely vulnerability can be. How proud it is to be naked in front of someone. Fully clothed, naked. Arms full of heart. Heart full of rain. Body like an olive branch, I am telling you that I love you today. I am telling you that I am not scared to be fragile in front of you. I am telling you that I trust you to look after my gentle. Keep it safe, don’t keep it hidden. They say that giving your name to someone is giving them power over you. I wrote my name on your wrists. I wrote it in your mouth. Whispered it into your ear. I said “here, this is who I am, do what you will with it. I am not scared. I am not frightened.” Even then, even after that, in that quiet rain filled room I watched you stitch yourself back up again and turn away, I watched you do it without me. I kept my hands open anyway, just in case. Here, the mattress is asking you what you’re doing. Here, the walls have known how you sound when you murmur my name. Here, everything is wondering where your brave is. Where has your courage gone? Where is your wolf? I know that you can feel in colours that haven’t been invented yet. I know that you’re trembling beneath your soldier body. I would have loved you enough for the both of us. Until then, I will run through the streets after dark holding a sign that says ‘I SURVIVED LOVING A MAN WHO DID NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME BACK AND IT WAS GLORIOUS.’” — Azra.T “not leaving your heart wide open was the most cowardly thing you’ll ever do”

Today would have been our 9-year anniversary. In four days, it will be the 3-year anniversary of our breakup - and the 3-year anniversary of the last time you spoke to me. I still don't understand how someone can love you one day and be gone the next. I suppose I never will. It's why I don't bother with love anymore, I guess. I don't like how fleeting it is. I don't like that it can't be trusted. You taught me that.

It's been almost three years now. I'm so much better, but the sadness always hits again at this time of year. The time of year when we first met and also when we ended. It's always bittersweet to remember it - the high and the low. I still wonder if you think of me. It's hard not to wonder. I think of you. All the time. But I suspect you know that. Happy Winter, P. Think of me fondly, okay?

What is it about winter that makes me want the things I no longer have? Why do my thoughts always turn to you, no matter how long it's been?

After posting the above, I went back and read some old threads about my ex, and I'm sort of sitting here in disbelief. I mean, he was not good to me so much of the time, especially at the end. And then it began to devolve into emotional abuse, and I ended things. And yet, two and a half years later, I'm sitting here, still pining for him. A part of me is definitely wondering what is wrong with me that I can't move on from something that was clearly bad. But a larger part of me just thinks he's an effing idiot. Because I read those old posts, and I saw how much I loved him and how much I wanted to make things work - and I saw how little he did on his end - and I'm just thinking, "Wow. He'll never know the love he gave up. He'll never know what he lost. What a sad, sad soul." I honestly, truly don't seem to know how to move on from this... probably because I had tied so much of my self-worth into making that relationship work for six years that I don't know how to stop even though the relationship is long over. It's like I still think my worth depends on us somehow mending fences. But honestly? What fences do I have to mend? If anyone should be pining and begging for forgiveness, it's him. Does it hurt that he clearly isn't? Absolutely. That's part of why I'm convinced no one cares about me. But I also know on some level that this says more about him than it says about me. At least I know I'm capable of loving someone. At least I know I have a heart.

This doesn't really belong here, but I don't want to start my own thread. I just feel like no one gives a s**t about me. It makes me wonder why I should give a s**t about me either.

JFC, why am I so sad today?

Remember during our last conversation when you said it didn't seem like I was into you anymore? [video=youtube_share;dsL8E2v2ay8] ]

Infatuation is so hilariously ridiculous when examined closely. In the early, early days of our relationship, when we first decided to be exclusive, you told me that you couldn't imagine meeting a girl more attractive, sweet, funny, interesting and intelligent than me. Seven and a half years later, I think it would be fair to say that I'm more attractive, sweet, funny, interesting and intelligent than I was when you first met me. Yet, now, you want nothing to do with me. It's hysterical, isn't it?

Wow, soon it'll have been 18 months. You have made an amazing commitment to not contacting me. Did I really matter so little to you?

I wonder what would happen if we saw each other now. Would you see the change in me or would you still be attached to those ideas you had about who I am? Would I notice a change in you or are you the same? Would we work better now than we did then? Would we still be attracted to each other? Would it still feel so easy to be in your presence? Would there be anything left? I know everyone would think I'm crazy if they knew, but I wish so much that we could have that encounter. Just to see what could be.

For months and months and months, I didn't hear a word about you, and now your name is popping up everywhere. It's weird. And while talking to my mom about that tonight, I realized how very worried about you I had been and how relieved I am to see indications that you're becoming you again - the you I liked, the you I loved. You're writing again. You're taking photos again. You're hanging out with the group of friends I liked, instead of the other group you gravitated towards after the breakup. It almost makes me want to cry with relief to hear these things. I really didn't realize just how much I was holding on to concern for you. I told my mom this all made me feel better - these little glimpses of your return to normal. I told her I guess I was worried about you, and she said, "You would." I know she thinks I'm too nice. I know she thinks I shouldn't care. But I do, and I think I always will. Whether you know it or not, you'll always have me in your corner. Thanks for making it an easier place to be these days. Take care of yourself. I miss you.

Oh gosh, I keep learning about wonderful, exciting things you're doing, and it makes me so proud!! I hope you know that, even though I can't tell you!!

Honestly, though, why do I still even care about this? Why do I still even care about you? I think everyone has been right, and I have blinders on, and while I do see the ways in which you didn't treat me well, I don't feel them. I only let myself feel the positive emotions towards you, and that's bullsh*t. Because clearly you only feel negative emotions towards me AND I DON'T DESERVE THAT! I didn't deserve any of this. All I did was stand up for myself and tell you that calling me useless wasn't okay! I didn't deserve for you to just leave and never look back. I didn't deserve for you to ignore my olive branches. I didn't deserve for you to f**king disappear. What kind of effed up person are you that you can shut someone out like this - someone who was good to you - even AFTER the breakup?!? I mean, you are just... I don't even understand how someone can be like you. I think I've been trying to figure you out for the past 7.5 years, but it's a lost cause. I'll never understand someone like you. Because I can't even fathom someone BEING LIKE YOU. It's like you're not even a human being. What the f**k are you?

Are you really still that mad at me? Really? First, you have no reason to be. If anyone should be mad, it's ME. Second, REALLY?