Slypknot

Hi Becky! Your msg really saddened me. It's very hard to be in that spot - wanting someone so badly yet they refuse to go with you. It's a painful cycle which rarely ends in the couple reuniting. There's not really a cut/dry answer. Things to ask youself are: 1. After 6 yrs of marriage why would your husband rather look at porn on the net and chat with online girls (who could have been men!) than to try and spend this time with you? There's probably more there than just his issues and chances are whatever was missing there will be repeated in the future if you two got back together unless both change. 2. You sound like a really nice woman who cares a great deal and has a spiritual background. Is this guy REALLY that good - it sounds like he had quite a bundle of issues? Or are you wanting him back because you can't imagine being on your own....divorced and alone? SF seeking SM? I only ask because at 30 I was faced with this same decision.... I seemed to believe somewhere that even though my wife had her MANY faults - that she was the last woman who could ever make me happy. How wrong I was. I had completely forgot that I am the only one who can make ME happy....a woman in my life would not. See I used my marriage as a distraction from myself. I didn't like who I was but was able to focus on my wife's problems and our issues and that distracted me. By her no longer being in my life I was forced to face these things...which I still deal with today. But by growing through them it can only make me a better person - one who may meet a wonderful woman in the future who will appreciate it.....

I'm not sure if I'm a CP or not (never been diagnosed..hehe) but I have cheated before and have also been scared to commit to someone - though not proud of it by any means. My experience is - there's much more to cheating than just being afraid to commit to someone. Usually there's a time when things are not going very well with a couple. That's when it can happen, someone else steps in and starts providing one of the SO's with something their relationship stopped giving them. Usually a woman who is not being 'appreciated' is approached by a guy who gives her all the attention she could want - and she falls into it. Same thing can happen for a guy.... The question now is - will they repeat it again? Relationships are hard - meaning they take work when things are down. Personally, when I was cheated on, I could not continue in the same relationship because I knew that when things got tough, if I made mistakes or got caught up in my own life - she would repeat it again. It's a toughy.

Hi Dguy - and welcome to the board.... lots to be gained by the peeps here. Your story is - sadly enough - very very common. One person gets comfortable and takes advantage of the other until they leave. Then when they leave the person says they'll change... the other comes back and things are good - for a little while... then the bad behavior returns again. This is what battered/verbally abused wives/husbands go through and most would call it insane to return to such a relationship without some MAJOR-long lasting-changes taking place. It sounds like you've said all these things before to her - and didn't follow it up. Maybe what you're feeling is not a longing for her, but a fear to be by yourself. I'm 31 and know that feeling very well. I was/am crazy inside at times for my X-wife, wanting her more than anything when she doesn't want me...but the moment she wants me back in her life I suddenly change and now see it for what it really is - something which doesn't make either of us happy. It's a combo of a fear of being alone, a self esteem problem and an issue with someone NOT wanting to be with me! It makes me wanna pursue em even more.... odd huh? So my advice is - start LIVING what you're telling her. Hopefully the things you've told her you'd change don't all have to do with being with her. Most, I assume, are things you need to change about yourself such as the things you listed in your post - well start living them. Don't be selfish (with her), be kind, understanding, listen to what she says, etc... showing her your changing means WAY more than just telling her.

First off - welcome to the board! Your situation is a toughy to guess on for me because it's hard to read what someone else is thinking (the girl you're pursuing). However, it's pretty obvious that when she told you she liked you, and you blew her off, that she probably is not completely over that yet. I know when I get up enough to tell a girl I like her - if she blows me off it's like a serious slap in the face. Then, months later, if she suddenly calls then I suspect she's in a rough patch in her life and wants to use someone...mainly me. It's a hard thing to overcome - best bet is to leave the ball in her court some. Try doing this (it'll let you know real fast where you stand with her) - DON'T CALL HER, DON'T MSG HER..... and wait. If she calls you then you know she feels something for you - but if she doesn't then you've saved yourself the time and energy of going after a girl who isn't interested anymore.

Hi everyone! Time for me to get some help from all of you out there.... My situation is probably close to most. I was with a woman for 10yrs (married for 5) and due to many many many reasons - we got divorced about 1yr ago. So I'm still feeling the pain of all that and dealing with the loss as best I can. My delimna is how shallow my life has seemed to become. It started when I decided I was no longer going to sit at home and sulk! I was going to go out with friends, go club'n, do all the things I missed out on when I was with my X for a large part of my life! I feel fantastic when I go out, meet a few girls, and one of them shows interest in me. For some reason I'm on top of the world, life could be no better, I am a true man! The night is complete! This feeling lasts for quite a while and I almost dont mind spending a few nights at home, cleaning up, working out at the gym, etc.... I'm "fulfilled" in a retarted kinda way. BUT - when I go out and get no leads, or the girls I met before fall through one by one - I feel horrible/empty....like I'm a loser or something. I start questioning everything about myself, am I too fat? am I boring? what's wrong with me? I get to where I almost dont wanna bother dating anymore - like what's the use??? I guess I don't understand why I don't feel 'happiness' in my life unless I have leads into another relationship with someone. I mean it's silly - but for some reason I base my own self image on what other women say/do to me.... yuk. Any advice on this would be most appreciated! I'm up for trying anything to get over this....

IMHO - It depends on how your last relationship with him ended. He'll probably call if he's interested in pursuing either a friendship or relationship with you. Or maybe just cause he can't get you outta his mind... hard to say. Not really enough info to make a very educated guess to what his next move might be.

Welcome to the world of dating! It'll be the best/worst time you'll ever have! heheh.... It's easy to start... Just make yourself available! Don't stay at home all the time. Go out, spend time with friends, join some clubs, etc... get involved with things which require other people. Doing things like this will give you plenty to talk about with girls. Another thing which seems to work for me is get the girls talking!! It's funny how I can go out with a girl on 2 or 3 dates and when it's all said and done she really doesn't know much about me but I know her life story. People love talking about themselves and their own interests - so use that. Just keep asking questions and pay attention to her responses so you can ask more... To be honest if you're still in school (based on your age) then you're seriously in luck! School is one of the easiest places to hook up with girls. You see em every day, know if they're single or not, know if they're your age, etc.... nothing like meeting someone in a club and not knowing if she's married/single/psychotic/etc...hehehe

Wow - I can really relate to your posting - pretty close to my own experience with marriage. Right now it seems like pursuing him is just going to push him away even more. Give him space. Trust me, it's not like he's just going to forget about you.... you guys shared too much for that to easily happen. Not saying he's not going to go out with other people, that's possible - but I'd guess there's still some strong feelings in him towards you (which is why he'd return your phone calls and still be willing to talk to you). Getting dumped is one of the worst feelings ever. It tells the other person they are not good enough for you. That you got to know them inside and out and realized you just didn't like them as a person. Getting over this pain, as I'm sure you know, is one of the hardest things to do. Regardless of how many promises you make to him now, the pain is obviously still fresh enough in his mind to not trust you enough. Give it time and see what happens. Life can sometimes be ironic... who knows, the day that he decides you are the "one" for him - you may think otherwise.... but pushing the issue is probably going to just make things worse and you'll end up looking desperate (which is always a turn off).

Sorry - but it's probably the classic move of him needing you as a fallback girl. It's much easier to date other people, stay at home some nights, be 'single' when you know that there's a girl out there who you could easily hook up with.... just waiting for you. Chances are the more interest you show in him the less attention he'll show you... but lemme tell ya - show up to the club with your arm around another guy and just watch all the attention paid to ya! So ya need to decide - do you want someone that 'flighty' as your man? Or would you prefer someone who only has eyes for you, in love with you, wanting you? I'd assume the latter....

It's kinda funny in that almost every relationship I've been in the girl has mentioned how badly she was hurt at one point or another by a past boyfriend. I always saw it as a challenge. For a girl to say she was hurt by another man makes me want to show her that I am NOT that guy and can please her like no other man could. It's a challenge thing which invites me more than pushes me away. Now if the girl starts throwing a lot of her past pain/distrust on me - that's another story. By you hiding your feelings, I think this is a good thing in the beginning. No reason to show your hand right away...keep things mellow and light and see how they go. Now if you CAN'T show your feelings that can be a serious problem for the future...cause you'll end up treating your partner the same way you were mistreated - by not returning the feelings they show you.

Of course you feel that way which is why trying to make something like this work is near to impossible. Personally I don't believe 'shady' people change that rapidly - unless something seriously major has occurred in their lives to make them stop and change....like prison, getting sued, car wrecks, near death, etc. Just getting caught is usually not enough to make someone stop cheating. But I wouldn't suggest doing the same back to him... cause then you're no better. It's best to either swear it off and try to work through the distrust - or leave him and start something new with someone else.

I feel for ya Sweety... Doing what you're doing is not only a serious challenge (overcoming distrust) it's also very emotionally draining. To be honest though - if you feel that much anger you may not really be ready to 'start over' with him. I know for me personally I can't do what you're doing. Once I'm burned, I'm burned and will never truly regain trust for someone that close to me. I've tried before and found that when it really comes down to it - I can't trust them like I did before..ever again. So I end up beating my head against a wall trying to overcome this fear I have of trusting them again...which is silly - there's a reason I'm afraid of trusting them! Sorry to be so bleak - I do relate to your frustration as I've tried to do it myself before - just never had good luck at it I'm afraid.

I have to agree with Sweetie on this one. Being a guy who has done this before to a few girls I can honestly say that at the time I was doing it - I wasn't really conscious of how much of an ass I was being. This guy sounds open in that he's told you all kinds of things about him, his feelings, his life, etc. But at the same time he's shallow in that he's telling you things that he just doesnt seem to want. Marriage isn't that hard to do if you want it so chances are he's saying this stuff to you because he knows it's what you WANT him to say. The other side of it is the ole come here/go away syndrome. I seem to be going through this now with an X of mine. While she wants to be with me, I want nothing more than for her to go away and move on. But the moment I see her moving on, dating others - basically doing what I have been for a while - I get an instant need to pursue her again.... to say and do whatever I have to to get her to want me again. Then, when she does, the challenge is over and I no longer want her around. Hopefully this is NOT the boat you're in with this guy....cause if you are - RUN and don't look back.

Shyness has, and still is, one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. It stems from low self esteem and is very difficult to treat (IMHO). One thing I've found which helps (other than taking drugs) is doing small tiny things to overcome it. A major one is when a girl makes eye contact - SMILE at her - then look down at the floor (which is usually what us with low self esteem do). After a while of doing this you'll get more comfortable and will be able to maintain looking at her while smiling. What I tried to do was put myself in the girl's shoes. If I look at a girl and she immediately looks away I take that as her NOT being interested in me. But if she smiles back...you get the picture. It's small stuff like this that will slowly help you to overcome being shy. So keep on trying and take baby steps....

Bottom line is I think this decision should be based on your own personal esteem. Do you honestly believe that you DESERVE to be with someone who can't seem to keep their pants on? How would you feel if you suddenly discovered one of her 'nights out' she brought back some gifts that keep on giving? (STD's) Do you believe that she's the last girl on the planet that will love you and make you happy? Hopefully not. Hopefully you'll see that this girl is bringing you nothing but drama, pain and distractions (from what it sounds). Sure, when things are going well they feel really great. So does air to a drowning man, so does food to someone starving. If things are horrible/painfull most of the time then a little bit of relief feels like a world of goodness!...but it's not and you deserve way better. Me personally - GONE. No if/ands/buts....gone. People who cheat are scared little people who can't handle being single but at the same time wanna shop like they are. They lie, are undependable and in the end almost always cause the other pain.