Emmylu
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flyguy, I read your post. Maybe the best thing is to stop looking for answers? People are irrational. I thought there was a possibility your gf was using you to get over her ex. I may be wrong. In any case, don't feel too bad. The really great girls all have many guys available to them, as you would expect. If you think she's so wonderful, other guys probably think so too. You might win her heart, or another guy might win. I am not sold on this NC thing. I think you should put forth your best effort, which doesn't mean sticking to her like Pepe le Pew. You might want to show her a different side of you. A happier you? Maybe a bit more mysterious? A side of you that she hasn't seen? I dunno, whatever you think works. But if you still can't get the girl, well, that's life, isn't it? Some guys never even got to go out with her like you did. Oh, and this be friends thing. It's just talk. Don't take it literally. Your game plan is to get the girl. You might not succeed, of course. But you know that won't be your first and last defeat in life.
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No, the whole point is: I don't care. There is nothing to win or lose. I have no feelings for the ex. It's like... who cares. No...there is no superiority. Really, trust me, there isn't. You only think others feel superior when you're feeling inferior. Anyway, I'm just trying to help you feel better. If you're offended, well, ...whatever...
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May I offer my point of view as "the other girl"? I sometimes see my ex-bf, who is now married. We have common interests and have dinner sometimes. Yes, I can understand if his wife feels bad about him seeing me. But so far she has not objected (as far as I know). I have no feelings for him, and I know he has no feelings for me. We don't think about each other when apart and there's zero attraction when together. And if there's any problem with the wife, I could stop seeing him right away and not miss him at all. I think the reason we get together sometimes is just because he doesn't have a lot of friends. So yes, ex's can be just casual friends. But in your case, I think the biggest problem is that your bf has not been considerate of your feelings. Even if they are just friends, he should stop seeing her just because you asked him to stop.
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Don't prove anything to him. Prove it to yourself. You are not proud of the way you act. It was below your own standards. If you're gonna make changes, do it to make yourself proud. Regain your self-respect. Your bad emotions hurt the baby too. Next time you're about to lose control, imagine your baby is witnessing that behavior. You're gonna be a proud mother so hold your head high.
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He does not care about you. He does not care if you leave him. Doesn't matter what he says. Action speaks louder than words. Even if you don't leave him, one day he'll leave you. He's probably sick and tired of hiding things and having to explain himself to you anyway.
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Your only problem is that you stayed with him for too long! Anyway, the past is the past. Can't turn back time. Just be good to yourself from now on. I think part of the hurt right now is that he's acting like you're so forgettable and replaceable. Don't let that get to you. You already broke up, and that's the right thing. Remember: You don't need him to be miserable in order for you to feel good. You should feel good on your own. He is irrelevant. He can sleep with whoever, and your happiness is always your own. Sometimes when people break up, they still want to be wanted by the one they don't want. Once you recognize that mentality, you'll be at peace and ready for someone new.
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I do not think she is psycho. This is definitely a cultural problem. I know something about the Asian culture, and I really do not believe that was an actual threat to kill herself. Some of the popular Asian romances involve one person dying out of grief from losing ther other person, then they continue their eternal love in the afterlife. Are Asian people in love committing suicides left and right? No. It's just the talk. Problem happened when she expressed her devotion to you in her way, and instead was given a slap in the face in the form of "you are crazy". What she did next was wrong and immature. She didn't let it go and went too far when she talked about killing the children. Now THAT is not Asian culture. That was obviously just to spite you and continue this fight. But then you also didn't back off when you tried to corner her with the "what if there are children" question. You are being this logical guy and she can't explain herself. Did death HAVE to play a role in Romeo and Juliet ? Well, kind of... I mean, Shakespeare didn't write about two people having kids and then growing old. It's not a story about logical and practical people. You should be careful with someone you haven't met. But don't be too quick to judge.
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Rabican, I think you misunderstood. Souffle is not to blame, but understanding where your partner is coming from is the first step to fixing the problem. Or, okay, if you don't want to fix the problem, then understanding your enemy is the first step to winning. I did say she needs to be firm. In fact, I would have divorced the guy myself. And I don't mean talk, I mean action as in serving up papers. But that is very different from kicking someone out on the spot. My philosophy is to always keep money out of the picture. That way you know the person is staying for the right reason. You know, people handle things differently. We each offer advice based on our own styles.
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Sorry to hear what ur going through... Can I ask for more details? Did he agree to moving to a new country, or did you just up and go without him, and he joined you later unwillingly? Maybe he felt you betrayed him first. What were those "other issues" that he wanted to talk about when you wanted to talk about Karen? My take on this is: If not Karen, then Sharon. Your husband needs a JOB, not friends. He feels inadequate, useless. Counseling is fine but he still needs a job. If he gets a job, he can connect to the new country, make his own friends and stop resenting you. Souffle, I don't agree with the ultimatum you gave him. He was wrong to have done what he did with Karen and I think you were right to be firm about what he did being unacceptable. But threatening to throw him out was not right. You knew he had no money and very little options. I know you have already been through a lot, been very hurt, and out of ideas what to do. Sorry to be hard on you, but don't you see that right now you are stronger than him? Work on ending the battle, not winning it, cos nobody wins.
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Chances are, you will find someone better and probably quite soon. Believe me, the love you feel for her now, you will feel again, only stronger, for your future wife. No one wants to be lonely. But staying with her prevents you from being completely available for the real woman you're supposed to be with. Shouldn't you leave this cheater now, for your future true love ?
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Don't worry too much about this one. I have lost things like hair band and lip gloss in male co-worker's car when I go a ride (carpool to business lunch, many other people in car). But you should worry if you find lady's underwear in car, or lipgloss/hairband in bed.
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Same happened to me some 15 years ago. My bf was putting personal ads in the paper and calling women through this service which charges a lot per minute. When I confronted him, he always had some excuse. I think some men do it because (1) he can fantasize the girl to be anything he wants and (2) he can pretend to be anything he wants. This is why it's so addictive, cos it's not reality. So, I was with this guy for three years and then I left him. I moved on to better relationships. We send Xmas cards and such, so we're kind of in touch and guess what, for the past 15 years, he never found anybody else. He moved from ads in the paper to ads online, always searching. He is 55 years old this year, and he is still living alone, sitting at the computer. Sad picture. But that's the life he chose for himself. You should know that what you are seeing is his destiny. We each have our own path in life. Our weaknesses and strengths decide our failure or success in love, work, family, etc. If he can't get on the right path, you can't save him. Find your own happiness.
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If the person has to hide it or lie about it, then it is cheating. This is sneaky behavior and I think someone who's sneaky is by nature will likely cheat (physically) if given the opportunity.
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Words can do a lot of damage even if you said it in a fit of anger because it shows what you really think of her. For example, she will always remember that you think she's pathetic. Don't bother apologizing until you realize what you have done. How do you know you really love her if you think such bad things about her? If you apologize without understanding, then it is not a genuine apology but just a way to win her back. And it's not a matter of forgiveness on her part. If she believes you think she is pathetic, then there is very little future and I guess that's why she broke up with you. People can forgive a lot easier than forget.
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PLEASE save me from my own insanity..
Emmylu replied to confused70's topic in Trust and Relationships
Hi Confused70, Maybe you already said this and I missed it: How old is she? And did you get married so young because she got pregnant? I have heard that people who are extremely obese get treated badly everywhere they go and some of them end up having a lot of unexpressed anger. But for you ... I think she hates you. It's not that unusual for people to direct their anger at those who love them, as if they feel they don't deserve anything good and try to destroy it. Anyway, you can't help her. But you can help your daughters.