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hsanderz

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  1. Great advice...thank you. I've already left my Dad a voice mail since reading your post. He's an alcoholic too, although not abusive, so his volunteering to go to AA with my brother might do the trick. If not, we'll do what you said.... Thanks again!
  2. I'm no doctor, but I don't think you have anything to worry about. For one thing, sperm can't survive outside in the air for long and it sounds like they stopped "swimming" (for lack of a better word) long before you touched yourself. That's just my though on it...if anyone else out there knows differently, please correct me so she won't be mislead.
  3. Hi. I recently cut ties with my Mom after a lifetime of abuse. She abused me physically and my brother mentally. My brother does not speak to her now either. The problem is, he is becoming her. His girlfriend came over the other day to talk to me. My brother broke her nose (supposedly an accident with his elbow). He spits on her, calls her names, forces her to have sex (angry sex), punches holes in walls...you name it. I suspect that he's also an alcoholic. He has admitted to me that he gets out of control when he drinks. What do I do to help him? I've talked to my Dad about forcing him into rehab, which we might have to do regardless, but how do we force him to get help with his abusing behavior? And what do I tell the girl who LETS him abuse her? When he hurts her, she says she doesn't stand up for herself at all...just tries to make it all go away. Please help. My brother is so young. I don't want him to spend his life this way. He's going to end up really hurting someone someday.
  4. Thank you so much. He said he did it because: 1) he didn't undertand how much I meant it when I said "no porn" (when we got together and when I found the porn in the bathroom). 2) we were 'having problems' (he was having a tough time looking for a new job...one where I was not his boss). He is really a great guy and together, we've become better people. I'm older than him and a little stronger in my communications/relationship skills, but he's learning. So, we have talked about it, but I can only vouch for how honest I have been. He's also lied in the past. He used to have a drug problem, which he overcame shortly before he met me. He has taken drugs while we were out with friends (twice) and denied it, even when I already knew he had done it. I never judged him or yelled at him...I've been very supportive about it, so I'm not sure why he chose to lie.
  5. Thank you so much for your reply and for your honesty. I know there's a big split with how people feel about porn. I can tell you where I'm coming from (the why). It really doesn't matter though - it was the one thing I ever asked of him. I'll tell you anyway, just so you can see it a little more from my shoes. I was molested as a child and raped as a teen. I have an intimacy problem and never allowed myself to get close to anyone, emotionally or physically. I had sex, but it never meant anything to me and was never 'intimate'...just a physical act that felt nice for a few minutes. My husband came out of nowhere and blew all of my theories and protective shields to bits. When I met him, I WANTED to have sex, to be intimate...to explore. I have no problem with people looking at porn if it's okay with their significant other. But, it is a problem for me. I'm almost 30 years old now, and finally learning how to enjoy sex. I'm very confident and self assured, except where it comes to sex. He's not a very patient teacher, but I'm learning. I admit that it hurts my self esteem that he looks at porn. But it also hurts the core of who I am and what I've overcome. He knew he was getting a sexual novice when he met me. He knew there was baggage coming along for the trip, and because of the rest of who I am, he chose to accept the challenge. Can you understand more now why it's more than just my self-esteem that's damaged? I can deal with this and get over it. I just need to know if I'm deceiving myself...is he going to just get better at hiding it? He cried for hours when I found out...he swore he wouldn't do it again. But that's what he said last time. I can forgive him, if I can believe it's over with...I just don't know which is stronger - his fondness for porn, or giving it up to help me. Sorry this post is so long. I'm new to message boards and etiquette.
  6. My husband and I've been married for 2 years, together for 4. In the beginning, I set a boundary: no porn. He agreed to respect my wishes. A month before our wedding I was looking for toilet paper and found porn photos. These women were in positions that he always asks me to be in – I felt stupid, betrayed & heartbroken. He vowed to never do it again out of respect to me and the 1 thing I ever asked of him. 2 weeks ago my computer died and I had to use his. It was filled with porn. He hid it by putting it in his work folders, but the virus scan pulled them up. What stood out were the dates: until recently we were rarely out of the house at the same time (we both worked from home), and the dates & times of the downloads matched almost EVERY time I left the house. I almost left, but I stayed. He said this time he said do whatever it took to stop. But now our sex is impersonal and usually in a position that keeps us from looking at each other or in the dark. We rarely hug or kiss. Part of me is glad for the lack of affection, but part of me needs it now more than ever. My husband is a wonderful man and aside from this, he's never hurt me in any way. I forgave last time and I'm prepared to forgive again, but is this something he will be able to stop, or just get better at hiding? Am I a chump setting myself up for more heartbreak? Thank you for any advice you can send my way.
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