Thank you so much for your reply and for your honesty. I know there's a big split with how people feel about porn. I can tell you where I'm coming from (the why). It really doesn't matter though - it was the one thing I ever asked of him. I'll tell you anyway, just so you can see it a little more from my shoes.
I was molested as a child and raped as a teen. I have an intimacy problem and never allowed myself to get close to anyone, emotionally or physically. I had sex, but it never meant anything to me and was never 'intimate'...just a physical act that felt nice for a few minutes.
My husband came out of nowhere and blew all of my theories and protective shields to bits. When I met him, I WANTED to have sex, to be intimate...to explore.
I have no problem with people looking at porn if it's okay with their significant other. But, it is a problem for me. I'm almost 30 years old now, and finally learning how to enjoy sex. I'm very confident and self assured, except where it comes to sex. He's not a very patient teacher, but I'm learning. I admit that it hurts my self esteem that he looks at porn. But it also hurts the core of who I am and what I've overcome.
He knew he was getting a sexual novice when he met me. He knew there was baggage coming along for the trip, and because of the rest of who I am, he chose to accept the challenge.
Can you understand more now why it's more than just my self-esteem that's damaged? I can deal with this and get over it. I just need to know if I'm deceiving myself...is he going to just get better at hiding it? He cried for hours when I found out...he swore he wouldn't do it again. But that's what he said last time. I can forgive him, if I can believe it's over with...I just don't know which is stronger - his fondness for porn, or giving it up to help me.
Sorry this post is so long. I'm new to message boards and etiquette.