Baffler Meal

Ok. Thanks everyone. I am going to lay down now and give it a try. I know that I am going to crash hard at some point-hopefully right now. I will ask my doctor and psychiatrist (I saw her Tue so it was only one night then-not unusual) about this.

I hope this advice request makes any sense at all. I will try not to ramble too much (No, seriously-please don't laugh). I have not been sleeping well at all since [link removed 2 , but this is really ridiculous. I have been awake for three days and I am not tired. I am having minor visual hallucinations (like when you're trying to stay awake driving-not safe I know, but if you've experienced that, it's what I have have now) and muscle spasms. I took Desyrel (Trazodone) last night but it had seemingly no effect. I have been able to work very productively, even today. My concentration and memory are bad, but certainly no worse than if I missed one day of sleep. The only really bad effect is that I feel sick from gorging myself on high calorie foods in a desperate attempt to stay within 20 lbs. of what my weight used to be. I was down 30+ lbs. I put on 10 eating more than I wanted and am horribly scared of losing it again. I felt very weak. I know from previous experience that I need much higher caloric intake to maintain my weight when I don't work on sleeping ( I have never been good at it.) This started Monday night after I lifted weights. This will give you a boost of testosterone, epinephrine, GH, cortisol, etc. I believe that I have either become drastically more sensitive to hormonal changes or I'm producing vastly higher plasma concentrations of some hormones. Also, I cannot tolerate confrontation or aggravation of any kind in my life. This is a major change for me- I once had a summer job taking irate calls all day ("supervisor escalations") and I loved it! Anyway, here is my question (finally!): Do you think this could be from 100mg/day Zoloft? I have been taking it 6 weeks, I think. I know it can take that long to start working for some people, so maybe it started working, and this is the result. Or could this be part of my response to my GF leaving? I have the majority of symptoms of PTSD, although my psychiatrist has not told me that she made this diagnosis (or any other). She does write a lot when I talk about them. Sunday was a signifigant date for me and I had really bad days emotionally on Sunday and Monday, so maybe this is not drug-induced. My psychiatrist doesn't seem to think Zoloft could cause really bad insomnia and my sister (an expert on pharaceutical drugs) didn't think so either.

1. I HARDLY EVER SING BEER DRINKING SONGS -Johnny Cash I hardly ever sing beer drinking songs And when they play them cheatin' tunes I never sing along I never ever sing the blues- I've forgotten "Born to Lose" And I hardly ever sing beer drinking songs I hardly ever walk the floor and cry And I don't think I've ever said I feel like I could die I don't ever lay awake I never think my heart will break I hardly ever walk the floor and cry I hardly ever sing beer drinking songs I can't put much feeling in saying love is all gone wrong I don't lose no sleep at night cause things with you are going right And I hardly ever sing beer drinking songs I never call your name out in my sleep You never make me worry and you never make me weep I never wonder if you're true I spend a night curled up with you And I never call your name out in my sleep 2. The Warmth Of The Sun- Brian Wilson/Mike Love What good is the dawn That grows into day The sunset at night Or living this way For I have the warmth of the sun (Warmth of the sun) Within me at night (Within me at night) The love of my life She left me one day I cried when she said "I don't feel the same way" Still I have the warmth of the sun (Warmth of the sun) Within me tonight (Within me tonight) I'll dreams of her arms And though they're not real Just like she's still there The way that I feel My love's like the warmth of the sun (Warmth of the sun) It won't ever die (It won't ever die)

Happy? You want happy? Sorry we're fresh out. Seriously, it's too bad no one had a story like the one you wanted. I could really use that sort of thing myself tonight.

What a great topic. It has really made me think. Thank you. First, I'll say that you are absolutely right about the sorry state of broken families today. It is so frustrating and disheartening to see people with children behave in such destructive ways. Yes, men can be happy with just one woman, if they have the right strategy. Being with one woman made me happy. Did I want to have sex with other women? You'd better believe it. But I never would have as long as my agreement stood. I want to try to discuss my thought process on this, since I was able to do it successfully. It seems to me that there is a belief that love is just like a type of magic power that will take care of everything automatically. But to make it work in the long run, it takes work. That is a cliché and everyone can recite it by rote. So why are there so many problems? I don't think can be attributed to laziness. Look at how much effort people will put into cheating-it's unreal. Nobody wants to brag about cheating on a partner who is good for them unless they are really sick. I think that they just don't know how not to cheat. I would hope that most cheaters who are not total troglodytes make a calculated risk, even if it's a very fast thought. Is it worth it to give in to their desire and risk losing their primary relationship? I think that it is the wrong question entirely. You ask your brain to generate an answer, but when your hormones are raging and you feel that chemistry, it's like a magic 8 ball where every panel says "HELL YES!" It's going to prove your feelings to be valid, and no matter how convoluted the argument, you're going to buy into it. To me it's about integrity. If I make a verbal contract with a friend, I can't imagine a scenario where I would violate it. If I was so tempted I couldn't stand it, I'd have to tell my partner that I need to see other people first. Some people keep a picture of their partner in their mind and when tempted imagine this person gone forever. The problem with this is that on some level you know that there are other partners in the world. In fact, one of them is right in front of you and wants to have sex! The picture is instantly replaced by a more exciting one. I keep a concept of my personal integrity, and when tempted to break a promise, I imagine it gone forever. What's left? Emptiness, regret and sorrow. There is nothing in the world that can replace your integrity. It is absolutely unique in the universe, and once you throw it away, it's gone. So, that's how I did it. Like I said, I definitely wanted other women, but I can say that I was never tempted to go out and do anything about it. It isn't just about having values, it's about living up to your values. Anybody can espouse values. Cheaters who cheat on good people may even really believe in their values, they just haven't learned how to live them.

I read your earlier post and I agreed with everything you wrote but I didn't want to just post a one-liner. It was a good post. Please don't be hesitant to keep on writing like that. I'll share my experience with forgiveness. When I was at the absolute lowest place I can imagine, writing my suicide letter, I experienced some of the release that forgiveness can bring. In crafting this letter, which was written only to my ex, I was able to forgive her to some extent. I had wanted her to know that my suicide would not be her fault. I didn't want her to feel guilty for it and I wasn't doing it to punish her. I just wanted to stop the unbearable pain. I felt that she caused the bad feelings, but it was me who couldn't handle them effectively. My actions subsequent to her leaving me were in no way her responsibility. After I wrote this, I started feeling better and trying to find ways to cope. You are absolutely right regarding our feelings as a form of undetectable punishment we exact on those who have hurt us. I think that just because you forgive someone it doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want something bad to happen to them or don't hope that they will reap the consequences of their actions somehow. Family members of murder victims have been known to express forgiveness towards murderers, but it doesn't mean they want them out of prison. They just have to get on with their lives. Forgiveness the way we are discussing it is not about the other person, it is about us. It is not some universal pardon where you wish the person the best suddenly. You just release the blaming because the object of the blame can't help the recovery-it's just an impossibility. As far fetched as recovery seems at times, the chances that you can manage it far infinitely greater than the chances of the person who hurt you being able to fix it. Even if my girlfriend came back to me, and wanted to help, I know that she would not be able to heal me. It would still be up to me. Forgiveness dissolves a blockage in the healing process. You ultimately must deal with the problem by yourself, and only by feeling forgiveness can you understand this. I can't answer the question of how we can forgive. For me it just happened without planning. I had reached a breaking point when the realization that blame wasn't going to get me anywhere occurred.

It depends on what you mean by "relationship". If you and your guy are not communicating enough it is possible that you are not mentally and emotionally in the same relationship that he is. The boundaries must be discussed and clarified. Where do you want this relationship to go? How committed can you be to a man who acts this way? Do you want a guy who will be doing this in 5,10,or 20 years? If not, act decisively now. Even if you aren't even thinking that far in the future with this guy, by putting up with it now you will teach yourself to put up with it in the future. My opinion on this situation is that it is really wrong. I would have a major problem with it. Yes, it is normal for people to want interact new people-as friends. If you have expressed commitment to someone, it just is not acceptable to be trying to meet people for the stated purpose of a possible romantic relationship or for sex. This is not at all comparable to someone looking at attractive members of the opposite sex. It is perfectly normal to talk to people as friends, maybe on a site having to do with a person's interests or hobbies. To present yourself as "looking" or have a profile on a singles site or whatever is on whole different level than just "meeting people". There is just no possibility that I could trust a woman who was doing this sort of thing while in a supposedly committed relationship with me. It sounds like you have a lot of doubts about this. I think that if it makes you feel bad and distrustful, you need to clearly communicate that. I would advise against tellling him that it's OK if you don't like it just to smooth things over. If you have to decide to trust him, you shouldn't trust him about an issue like this. You have got to protect yourself emotionally and the only good way to do it is to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend about your feelings. If you have a problem with it, you will build up resentment It is going to come out in your behavior toward him and he will react. It could cause some real problems that show up only after you both have forgotten why or how you have fallen into negative behavior patterns.

That's a tough one, when you're begging to see a counselor and she won't go. It sounds like she may not understand how important this is to you right now. Also, since you seem to be ashamed at being thought of as shallow, you probably have a hard time just being blunt with her. But I think you have to sit her down and just communicate your feeling honestly and calmly. Let her know that is is bad enough that you are seriously considering divorce. Then suggest counseling again. In my opinion you have to try to save your marriage and only divorce after all possibilities are exhausted. So try something else first, anything else. I'll bet their are some things or some ways in which you haven't tried to communicate the seriousness of this with her. I really think that segagirl has once again hit a home run with her take on giving your wife a choice. It's only fair to someone that you promised a total committment to be totally honest before calling it quits. Good Luck.

I'm just updating this thread with some information. I finally went to EA. Thanks Genesis! It was different than I expected. I don't have a problem with the "higher power" stuff there at all. I still don't know what to think, so I'll be there a few more times. Here's what happened. We read passages out of their book, and people talked about what parts really meant something to them. since I was new, I just said breifly what brought me there. This was followed by going out for nachos. Some of the people did seem to have a kind of cult-like attitude towrds the 12 steps, while others told me that they didn't really care for the strucure of working with the book. After one meeting I just think that there needs to be some kind of structure, so I guess the book is OK with me. Every other week they have a free form meeting where you can just discuss your issues at length, if I understood correctly. The people there were not "my kind" of people at all. I would never consider striking up a converstion with any of them if I saw them somewhere. That is a great thing to experience, talking to people you normally just filter out. It's very interesting. I post on this site and have never seen any of you, but to be forced to overcome your bias to reach out when someone is right there, and to watch them overcome their bias-you can see it for split second-is kind of fun. This is why the strucure is good. I'm glad I went. It certainly didn't hurt

You are not alone here,sweetpea35. I am taking your suicidal desire seriously and am worried about you. I have had times when all I thought about was killing myself for days with no sleep. Get help right now if you are feeling like a threat to yourself tonight. If you haven't already link removed Call 1-800-suicide, go to the hospital, but do not hurt yourself! Do anything that will make you feel better and just get through one more day. If you just need to share, keep posting. It helped me a lot. PM me if you want to. Since you are a student, there are probably resources to help you through your school. Do not be afraid or ashamed to use them or ask about them. This is just my opinion and experience, but you do not need to be happy first to want to live, although it probably feels that way. You just have to want to live. I know it sounds impossible, but living with the pain may have to come before feeling happy, and it is possible. Just get through this time. Just survive. I will warn you about something and I'll be blunt. Since there are so many good things in your life, many people will not understand your pain, even some professionals. I know now that "suicidal" is kind of its own emotion, and people can't understand unless they have felt it. If you are not getting the help you need, look for someone, anyone else. I was told that I "look good" and not taken seriously because I was able to calmly articulate my thoughts, but I was getting worse and had written a note, had a plan and a time. Please post again sometiime to let us know you are OK.

mermayd, I hear you. I've been thinking along the same lines lately. Waiting is not the answer. I'm sure that there are couples who got married in a short time and had it work out. There are plenty of arranged marriages that work out great. I was in a ten year relationship that just vanished one day. I lived with her seven years. Everything was completely normal until one day she kissed me goodbye in the morning and never contacted me. Ten years. I met a man this weekend who said he was married 33 years and in his words "it went straight to the gutter" suddenly. Giving it time won't work, You never know. I'm 25 and this was my first girlfriend, so people right away told me to "just go have fun". I still can't fathom being in a relationship that isn't pretty "serious". Now that I'm really considering what another relationship might be like, I have equal concerns over another long-term committed relationship. I went to a big party spot this weekend, just to get out and do something. There were numerous bachelorette parties stumbling around and I ended up interacting with a few of them. These girls were younger than me, and I just felt so sorry for them. I hope they don't end up like me. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. This feeling set off some alarm bells for me. On the one hand I desire a long-term relationship, but I found myself feeling sorry for these brides-to-be. Obviously, I'm confused. There is nothing that would make me happier than a relationship like the one I had. I'm convinced the only way to achieve that level of depth and comfort that I felt is by going through a huge amount and variety of experiences together. Basically, it takes time. But I cannot be hurt like this again, because it damn near killed me. I have to find some way to protect myself, which of course will be sensed by the other party as being distant and afraid of commitment. I don't have clue number one about what the hell I want. But I know you can't assume that because you have a great relationship for a few decades that it will be there when you wake up tomorrow.

Wow. That's a great post-interesting and useful. I really like the advice you've shared. I think you came to the correct conclusions and tried to learn something positive from your bad experience. You must feel pretty used. It seems like that you were just like a movie character for her and the whole thing was just for her entertainment. Some "special connection". I'm so sorry to hear about you losing your job due to this. Your english is really good. Don't worry about it. It's superior to a lot of native speakers who post on the Internet! Good luck, herve.

Just do whatever you need to do to get through tonight. If it helps to keep writing here, do it. Write about anything at all that you need to. A lot of people will read it, and some might just give you a word of advice that helps even for just one night. When my girlfriend left, I really lost it. It's been about two months and I'm still pretty screwed up, but I promise you it will get easier to handle. I wrote a huge amount of material, and posted some of it here. It helped me a lot on those nights and I know I really appreciated the responses. Some of what I wrote I consider to be pretty embarrassing, but I don't regret posting here at all. I got a lot of support and great advice here. If you want to communicate, but don't want to post, feel free to PM me. If you feel that you are a risk to yourself, do not hesitate to seek professional help. I don't know what country you are in but hopefully there are hotlines or emergency mental health centers. Go to a hospital, go anywhere. I went to a place twice just to talk. In retrospect I know I probably should have went into a hospital for a while. Good luck, room302, and if you find a way to get over her immediately, please let us know!

You should go see a doctor about both of these problems. Your fertility can probably be checked with a simple hormone profile (FSH and estradiol) but a fertility specialist may be required. Since you were so young at the time of chemo, I think that improves your chances. Since you didn't mention it, I assume you began menstruation and have normal periods after the treatment, so that is a positive sign. Your other problem hurts me just reading about it. Go see a doctor!

Genesis, you know my story so you know I am wholly inexperienced in the realm of adult dating. I will tell you how I think I would/could handle it, but of course I am not entirely certain. Keep in mind that my judgement may be clouded because my sex drive is nil as of late. I could handle an exclusive six month relationship with no sex, as long as the frequency with which I must take matters into my own hands was fully accepted. A year is really pushing it. It would be strained, but by no means impossible. Sex is important, but comfort, affection, understanding, stability, and companionship, and fun are more important in the long run, and a pre-requisite for marriage. The question to me is "Could I reach those states with a woman without having sex?" I think that I could if two things were true about the relationship: 1. We were both 100% committed to honest communication. This is fairly self-explanatory. 2. Both parties have an understanding that just because there is no sex does not mean that the relationship isn't sexual. I'll try to explain what I mean without rambling too much. A lot depends where you draw the line. The further you are willing to go, the easier it will be to wait for the real deal. I would fear that a woman with your beliefs on this matter might think that she would frustrate or tease the man by compromising a little, and try to shut down sexual feelings altogether to protect against what she sees as the guy being too pushy for sex and creeping infringement on her wishes. This would probably eventually lead to a lack of affection by both partners. I think that could be a fatal flaw in the relationship, because there ought to be some sexual feelings and they need to be acknowledged and celebrated as part of being human. I think uncomfortable discussions and arguments over this would be tolerable to me, if I were to agree to such a relationship. On the other hand, if a guy was not pushing for sex earlier in this situation, he is not being honest about his needs with the woman or maybe with himself. Sorry, but that's my opinion. And in the slight chance that a guy really thinks that he doesn't want to have sex until marriage, probably that guy will be no good in the sack. I am wildly stretching my imagination here, but if I were you, I think I'd want a guy that is admittedly as horny as a three-peckered billy goat, but deeply in love and very dedicated. I think the idea is not to "put off" sex until marriage, but to wildly anticipate the sex after marriage. Probably this is not a really original idea on my part. I'm sure that this is the sort of thing that is written in religious literature dealing with celibacy, but since I'm not religious at all, I don't really know. Of course the religious literature doesn't discuss three-peckered billy goats like I do, because most likely there are none in the bible, but you get the idea. Another result of trying to ignore the sexuality of the relationship might be becoming uptight about the topic of sex in general. This would without a doubt, kill the relationship for me. To not be able to talk frankly about sex, make sexual jokes, or watch sexual situations in movies without discomfort would drive me away a lot quicker than lack of sex would. I think I could respect a special woman who wanted to wait and was standing firm on her values, as long as she had some sympathy for how firm I would be standing. With that being said, I'd like to discuss what I feel is an assumption on your part that may not be true: Maybe the guys say that directly to you, or maybe you assume it. I don't know. In any case, it's not just sex you can't give them when it's long distance. It's physical intimacy and bonding by community acceptance of the relationship, i.e. being seen in public as a couple and being treated as "coupled persons". I don't know a damn thing about doing the long-distance thing, but I just wanted to throw that in.