dabbledave

I drunkenly sent you an email tonight with "Thank you!" in the subject line and a smiley face in the body text. You probably wonder what it means. Well it means I'm thankful for everything you've ever done for me. I'm thankful that you ever loved me. I'm thankful for the good times we shared. I'm thankful for the deep connection we once had. I'm thankful for breaking up with me and giving me the wake-up call I needed. My email also means that I wish we could talk. But I can't talk with you in case you inadvertently hurt me with news about your new life. Yet because we were friends; because you were my best friend; I hurt anyway, because I can't talk to you. I love you sweetheart. I love you unconditionally. I also love myself now -- more than I ever have. Ironically that means I also have more love to give. And right now it's focussed on you. But you don't want to know. I respect that. Thank you for everything. DD

bump ... for those who want to smile

The auto-respond message I drafted and set up yesterday before I broke NC with a couple of silly emails this morning: Needless to say I won't be setting up an auto-respond message. I will deal with any message she sends me on its own merits and after consulting with the good folks on eNA who have been following my thread. DD

Dear X, Please ignore previous emails. I'm happy, everything's perfectly fine here, except that I've still got crazy love goggles on! I'm still getting used to not sharing things with you. So nothing's changed. Let's not do this any more. Call me if ever you want to plan our wedding day at [place we talked about] Ha ha! ;-) Take care, be happy! DD

Dear X, You've massively affected my life both positively and negatively. Please see the eNotAlone discussion thread I started. You can find the URL in my sig below. FYI only. Best regards, DD

You strung me along for months after you stopped loving me; spent Christmas with my family after you stopped loving me; accepted my proposal after you stopped loving me; watched me quit my apartment and move myself and my worldly possessions to another country in support of YOUR dream ... AFTER YOU STOPPED LOVING ME! You explain all this by saying all you wanted to do was give me a chance. Well at no point during that time did you listen to me, respect my opinions, or try to understand me, my issues, my dreams, and aspirations. Of course you didn't because you stopped loving me. It was all about you and your selfish needs. No wonder I was insecure. No wonder I behaved the way I did. It was my instincts trying to tell me something. But I had blinkers on. Even with the blinkers on I walked out a couple of times after you said hurtful things about me being selfish and your not having any respect for me. (How ironic! It is you who was selfish during the months you pretended to love me. And now it is me who has lost all respect for you.) When I walked out I was quite prepared to let you go. They were perfect opportunities for you. But no, your ego wouldn't allow it. Even though you had stopped loving me, you had to end it on your own terms! And then what happened? Less than a month after our move to XXXXXX, before the shipping container had even arrived, you dumped me and told me that you hadn't loved me for months! I go on a backpacking trip; an amazing journey of forgiveness and self-healing; and return ready to re-engage with you as friends before going back to XXXXXXX. But what do I find out? Less than a month after I left your apartment, you brought a married man home and * * * * ed him on sheets I used in the bachelor pad that I gave up for you. For so long our relationship meant NOTHING to you, which is why you can jump the bones of some random work colleague; a married man, no less; as soon as I'm out of the picture. You checked out of our relationship a long time ago. There was no grieving process you had to go through. There was no healing needed for your cold heart. Any "friendship" we have in future will be as fake to you as your accepting my proposal for marriage; as fake as the last two years of our "relationship". So enjoy your shallow, selfish life. I want no part in it.

You * * * * ing * * * * * , * * * * , slapper ... kept me strung along for months after you fell out of love with me; accepted my proposal after you fell out of love with me; watched me quit my job and move myself and my worldly possessions to another country in support of your career move long after you fell out of love with me ... and then what do you do? Less than a month after the move, before the shipping container had even arrived, you dump me and tell me that you haven't loved me for months! I go on a backpacking trip; an amazing journey of self-healing; and return ready to re-engage with you as friends before going home. What do I find out from you? You've been having an affair with a married man! Less than two weeks after I leave your apartment, you bring a married man home and * * * * him on sheets I used in the * * * * -hot bachelor pad that I gave up for you. * * * * * ! I hate you now. I * * * * ing hate you!

Ask your god, spirit, universe (whatever it is you believe in that's larger than yourself) for the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference. Live one day at a time, and enjoy each and every moment.

Perhaps because you continue to think about it? Stop counting the days since NC started. Fill your mind with thoughts other than the ex or the break-up by engaging in activities that require some concentration -- work, hobbies, reading, studying, meditating, whatever. Take the lessons you learned while you were going forwards and reapply them now. If you find yourself coming back to ENA, instead of counting off the days, offer those lessons you learned to those just starting out in their post-BU life. It helps reinforce the lessons in your own mind and gives you a sense of helping others, which is always good for the soul. Take care of yourself! DD

You won. You have everything now. You strung me along. Packed me and my things up and brought me to this continent. We disagreed; we fought. You found the excuse you've been looking for "months". And you called it over. After only one month. I'm still on this continent; with a backpack, a laptop, and a camera. That's all I've got. Everything else is in the shipping containers still on their way. It's all yours now. I can't afford to ship it all back. Anyway, ship it back to what? I dropped my apartment for this. I dropped mu job for this. I even dropped my friends for this. This. This dream move of yours to live and work on another continent. You're living your dream now. Now I'm living a nightmare. It's an opportunity for me to travel, but I can't enjoy it. I'm a sad, depressed, wrecked excuse of a man. Homeless, because my home was with you. You did this to me you heartless, thoughtless, insensitive * * * * * . I did this to myself by thinking that you were better than you are. I kept coming back to you. What was I thinking? What's worse is that you've stripped me of my pride, confidence, sense of security, and heart. It was nice knowing you. It is hell leaving you. * * * * you.

Great thread. (bump) This thread has helped a lot, however I started NC two days ago and just now broke it with a text. " always thinking about you. Hope everything is great with you The smiley is a nod to keeping it light, however i only sent the text in a moment of weakness (one or two beers too many). My advice to anyone trying to go NC is stay off the drink. D