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Yeah, it was very frustrating. If you also add in the fact that she was hypersensitive and often misinterpreted my intentions in the worst possible light, you have an explosive combination of a quick trigger along with the unwvering resolve to be right all the time. Glad I could help articulate that for you.

Well I do and I don't want to be with her still, although if the opportunity presented itself I would be hard pressed to turn it down. The thing is, I could probably get her back if I really wanted to. I broke up with her, she did not want to end things, but she also knew that there were some pathologically contentious aspects of our relationship, so she couldn't completely say I was in the wrong. So, to answer your question simply, I guess I would still like to be with her because I love her and I always will. She has her faults and has pulled some really selfish crap over the years, as my rant highlights. However, she is actually a really good person. She is dedicated to her family. She is generally openminded. She is generous. She is loving and sweet most of the time and although she had infidelity problems in the past, she respected me and never in 3 years cheated on me. Not that that is some monumental accomplishment, but considering she cheated on almost all of her boyfriends before me, it is something. Generally he biggest fault is her tendency to allow her pigheaded stubbornness to turn into selfishness and lack of understanding or perspective. I would say that character trait resulted in many many many of our fights and I just didn't see a time when we would stop butting heads. So, my situation is kind of strange. I broke up with her over a year ago, and she tried to get back together with me. I said no, and I have avoided persuing her ever since, even though not a day goes by that I don't think about being with her. I do it for my best interests, and becuase I really don't believe in that relationship as viable. But that doesn't mean I am not tempted to call her and tell her I made a mistake. I guess that is the burden of being the dumper. As others have pointed out, when you are the dumper you are always going to be saddled with the possibility that you made a mistake, especially when you didn't end the relationship for lack of love, but rather because it was probably the right thing for both of you. It is really hard to stay disicplined about it, but I think long term it will serve me best. That doesn't mean she isn't the love of my life, and that doesn't mean I don't still wish I could just hold her in my arms and know that the problems of our past are behind us. It is a contradiction to be sure, but one that discipline and objectivity creates. Hope that helps Oatmeal

EDIT - oops wrong thread (ignore)

thanks everyone for taking time to reply. I just needed to get some things off my chest. Since I live fairly close to where she lives now, it is inevitable that I will run into her again. Hopefully I can continue to take the high road even though it kills me to see her with her new boyfriend. I feel like it's my fault obviously, because I am the dumper, but that doesn't change how I feel about her. It is a crappy situation. I want to be with her, but I have no confidence in our mutual ability to not drive each other crazy. So, hopefully next time I see her it will look more like this: than this: Hope everyone is having a great wednesday!

because I have too much tact and concern for your feelings... Sorry I broke up with you 3 times, but you said yourself that it was the right thing to do, and was something that you could never bring yourself to do. Sure sometimes we were on shaky ground, but I never once cheated on you or even dated anyone when were on one of our "breaks." Why do you have to love contradiction and strife so much? That doesn't work in a relationship. Of course you were in love with me, your pathology guaranteed it. Every guy you ever dated was entranced by the fact that you are a powerful, self assured beautiful confident woman. They ALL did whatever you told them to do. Of course you loved me like none of your previous puppies. I didn't put up with your nonsense. We were equals. You learned from me, I learned from you. And of course I was in love with you. You're beautiful, intelligent, fun, caring (most of the time) and the sex was fantastic. So why do you have to let your b.s. pathology get in the way of everything that could be good and right with us? I mean %$#@! Even when we try to be friends your pathologically selfish behavior screws it up. You think I never considered you to be a long term option, but you're out of your mind if can't see that I was and still am in love with you. I didn't break up with you because I don't love you, I broke up with you because you are wholly incapable of having a modicum of perspective or self reflection when it comes to "us." SSOOOOO...... Thanks for always assuming the worst of my intentions Thanks for acting jealous and childish about the fact that some of friends happen to be women. In case you didn't notice, you're the one with the history of infidelity, whereas I have never cheated on anyone in my life. Thanks for projecting your personal foibles on me. Thanks for starting a fight with me at the airport because I forgot to bring my camera instead of being appreciative about the fact that I was about to spend 5 grand to take to Europe when you had never before been further than Tijuana. Thanks for not caring enough about our relationship to stop guilting me about imagined slights and projections of your insecurities. Thanks for making me feel bad about being friends with certain people. Oh and lest we forget, thanks so much for asking me out to dinner last month after a year under the guise of trying to catch up and be friends, and then not only informing me that you were moving in with the new boyfriend THAT NIGHT, but also trying to make out with me in the bathroom! Thanks, that was awesome, nicely done. Did you really need to try to mind trip me like that? Was it necessary to cry and ask me if we might be together one day? What the hell kind of question is that? You're moving in with your boyfriend!!! I am sorry you're feeling uneasy about moving in with a guy who is obviously a rebound and whom you have only been dating for 4 months, but don't use me as some ridiculous science experiment to see if you still have feelings for me, and then deny what happened in an email when you didn't like what you found out. I am sorry that your new boyfriend is yet another in a long line of invertebrates you have dated, but wasn't it obvious to you that pattern would rear it's ugly head once again? Clearly you're rebelling against finding another person who might have the intestinal fortitude not to put up with your demanding inflexible impulses, but did you deliberately seek out the biggest weakling you could find, or did it just work out that way? Does he ever disagree with you? Does he ever say no? I doubt it. I didn't plan on running into you and him and the rest of the crew the other night, but at least I was cordial, made friendly conversation, and didn't make everyone feel awkward about the situation. If anyone had a reason to feel uncomfortable it was me, what with you groping him and kissing him right in front of me. What a childish ploy that was. Thanks for being so respectful of my feelings. Yet despite it all, there I was offering my hand to him and saying "nice to meet you" while he gave me a weaker handshake than my 4 year old nephew, refused to make any eye contact with me whatsoever, and said 2 words during the entire conversation. Am I really that intimidating? Anyway whatever, I hope you are enjoying your new lapdog, but I was disappointed that you decided to replace me with such a spineless tool. At least he hasn't realized yet that you still have stronger feelings for me than for him, I don't know what that would do to his fragile ego. That said, against my better judgment, I will always love you and I know you feel the same, so if you ever decide that maybe "we" could be more important than your "id" gimme a call, but that's probably not gonna happen, so have a nice life. I hope you enjoy your time with your brand new jellyfish friend and all the invertebrates that follow.

Point taken, but my right hand it would never take me back 3 years ago when I left it for my now ex-girlfriend. Guess I'm outta luck.

thanks snowgirl. Good advice. I am totally clear on that. I didn't mean for it to sound as if I own her. I simply meant that I still feel like this other guy is an interloper; like he doesn't know her, doesn't know what she is like, how to please her, etc. I also am totally aware that who she dates is none of my business. I wouldn't have made it my business if she hadn't offered up the info in the first place. I am honestly not interested. But now that I know it is killing me.

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yeah, I see where you are coming from, but it is definitely over. We both agree that we have given it a good shot and that it didn't work out. I mean if I really wantd to get back together, I could convince her. But that would totally defeat the reason that we broke up in the first place. We would inevitably fall back into our old patterns anyway. During our previous breakups of a month and 2 months, we did not talk at all. That difference I think is further evidence of it truly being over. We both know it, so we can talk in a mature adult fashion, even though we just broke up. I think we are able to remain friends enough to continue talking because we both love each other veyr much and feel that it is more important than our pride or hurt. Thanks Confusedwon

A little background. I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years 3 weeks ago. It was the third time we have broken up. This one is really it though. There is no going back on this one. I love her very very much and I think she is an amazing person. If it wasn't for the fact that we have had the same problems for years and they never seem to improve I would have considered marrying her. We are both pretty stobborn and despite talking to a relationship counselor and honestly trying to work out our issues, I think we just had some sort of intrinsic personality conflict. We fought pretty much once a week. I don't mean a little tiny argument, I mean a full on yelling match. In the end, although I love her very much I knew things were just never going to change. I did what I had to do for both of us. I just couldn't deal with the fighting anymore. It was starting to depress me. I guess she never did fully trust me. I am not sure why she felt that way either, I never gave her any reason to think I was going to cheat. I guess in the end that lack of trust was a huge problem in the relationship. It wasn't that I didn't love her anymore, but I did what I felt was best for the both of us, something that she would NEVER have done. So in the end I came out looking like the bad guy, but I honestly did the right thing. THE BIGGER ISSUES: I can't seem to pull the trigger on dating or even getting laid. I REALLY need it, and there are multiple girls that I know like me, but for reason I am just feeling a little gun shy. Hell she is already dating someone else and I am the one that broke up with her. I guess that's to be expected though, she is a very attractive woman. She actually called me the other night and wanted to sleep over (adamant that she was not calling to get back together, but that she just wanted to get laid). She was drunk. I told her it was a really bad idea. I mean that would really complicate the line between being broken up and not. She claimed she could separate her feelings from it, but I told her that even if she could I didn't think I could. She then complained that when we were together I told her if we ever broke up we could be friends with benefits. She is a very sexual person, not a cheater or anything, but she needs sex, especially when she is in a relationship. It sucks because I really wanted to. I still love her and I am very attracted to her, but I I know we are a bad couple and that would just be a bad idea. AARRRGGG, it is very frustrating. I am also incredibly jealous of whoever she is dating (at least she isn't sleeping with him yet). It kinda pissed me off that she talked to me about the other guy, but I know she didn't do it to be spiteful. She was just missing me and wanted to talk like friends. We both want to be friends with one another, so she was just updating me on her life and that came up. Unfortunately I think it may just be too early. I don't know why, I but I really want to beat the crap out of the guy she is dating. I feel ridiculous about that, it is totally irrational. I broke up with her, she SHOULD be dating. It is good for her. I know being broken up with her is the right thing, but I still feel like she is MY girl. You know what I mean? Anyway, I guess I am just feeling a little confused. It seems like I am having a harder time with this than she is, and it sucks. Anyone have any advice or experience re: sleeping with your EX, or jealousy and moving on, when you are the one that did the breaking up? Thanks, G

My girlfriend and I broke up three months ago. She was and is my first love and it killed me. Basically, she got scared by the commitment and had to bail out on the relationship. She said she felt like she wasn't attracted to me anymore and that she thought we should date other people. I obviously was not happy with this, but I said ok because I love her and I wanted her to do what she needed to do for herself. Eventually,she started dating someone else and I tried to be friends with her, as we were best friends before we started dating, but ultimately it just didn't work for me. Finally I told her that I couldn't be friends with her as long as she was dating someon else or until my feelings for her changed. She cried, but said she would respect my wishes. I have to say, that was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. To face the possibility that I would never see her again was petrifying, but I did i and I am stronger for it. We didn't talk for over a month and just this past Sunday, she wrote me a letter telling me how much I mean to her and that she was so sad that it took another person for her to realize how special our relationship was. She said she just wanted her best friend back and that if I was willing she wanted to come over to talk about it. I thought about it for a day and finally agreed. It was really wonderful. She apologized and said that she missed me so much. I told her that it would not be easy for me to get over the hurt she had caused me, but that I loved her and that we could start slow and work on rebuilding our friendship. I also told her that she would have to break it off with her guy and try to be alone for a while (she has issues with needing male attention), as well start seeing a therapist to work stuff out. She agreed and we are going to hang out on friday. I think she eventually wants to get back together, ubt knows that we have to work out our issues first. I feel the same way. Two weeks ago, I was desperate and depressed, but you see, things can change if you do what's best for you. Remember, she broke up with you. You offered her the world, but she rejected it. By breaking off your friendship, you are not betraying her or not being there for her, you are doing what you have to do to find peace, just as she is doing what she has to do to be happy. If you are there for her during this, she won't truly feel the experience of not having you in her life. Only whne you are gone will the both of you truly know her feelings. It is difficult to do, but it was necessary for me. There is one caveat though. You have to come to grips with the fact it is possible that you will lose her forever. That has to be an acceptable outcome or else I wouldn't do it. I had no choice. I had to risk losing her to end the horrible pain I was feeling. I leave it to you. Good luck!!

I am going throuhg the exact same tihng right now. My girlfriend and I broke up 2 months ago and it has been a living hell ever since She says she doesn't really know why she can't be with me right now but that she loves me and thinks I am the most amazing person she has ever met. We were best friends before me started dating and both know that we are soul mates. I have tried to stay friends with her but she is dating other people and it is just too painful. I have since told her that I cannot be friends with her now. I hope that one day we will have some sort of relationship but that is truly up to her. She needs to decide if I am important to her. I am confident that she will realize what she has given up, but I fear that my trust in her may nave been too violated. I will always remember her as my first love and as much as I want to be with her, I know it could not be a healthy relationship. She has commitment issues to work out stemming from a fatherless childhood. I would rather risk losing her forever than get involved in a cycle of betrayal and hurt. It is in her hands now and there is nothing I can do about it but move on and hope that she is OK. In my opinion, the best thing to do is to truly love her and truly wish her all the happiness that she deserves as a great person, but realize that you deserve to b with someone who can love you the way you love them. I n my heart that she realizes her mistake, but sometimes these things have nothing to do with us, it is all about them. It hurts more than anything, but such is life. I have to say that Jack's poast is right on. Exactly how I feel.