Chesnick

My problem: I was dating this girl before summer for about two months. I hadn't been in a relationship for about, oh, 2 years, and I met her through my brother's girlfriend. We hit it off, blah blah blah, things were great between us. The thing is, she was planning on moving back to her hometown for the summer, where she would take community college classes and get a job. Her hometown is about a 4 hour drive from where I live, and I don't have a car, and she would be living with her family (which means NO VACANCY for me), so visiting her was nearly out of the question. Naturally I was worried, because I knew that she has a lot of friends and ex-boyfriends in her hometown. And she likes to party. But she told me that I didn't need to worry, because she would keep in touch over the summer, and planned to visit me and her friends a few times, when she could. Besides, she would be coming back to school (University) at the end of summer. On top of all this, she often called me "perfect", and we really cared about each other. So now it is August 19. She has not come to visit, and she hasn't contacted me in about three weeks. The last couple times I spoke with her she mentioned hanging out a lot with one of her ex-boyfriends, a guy who we both know still has a thing for her ('hanging out' includes drinking and drug use). As you may have guessed, I am feeling quite forgotten and abandoned. I even traveled up to her area a few weeks ago, hoping I could visit her, but in a short telephone conversation she told me she was busy and "wouldn't really be able to hang out." As I normally do in such a situation, I have been trying to move on and not think about her as much. The problem is, I know she will come back in September. And when she comes back, there is a good chance that she will want to resume our relationship; we haven't formally broken up. But even though I will probably still have feelings for her, I feel like she let me down. She did everything I feared she would, even after she said she wouldn't. And even though she may want to be with me and continue our 'good times', now I get the impression that I am just one of many- just another guy that can buy her things and give her attention, like her ex-boyfriend. Suddenly she will need me, while all through the summer she didn't give a * * * * about me. Then again, part of me thinks that this is just the way she is; she will party it up with someone else, and expect me to do the same, under the pretense that it's nothing serious (whereas we ARE serious). I know that the obvious response is "don't take her back! She's done you wrong! Move on!" But it will be hard to do that with someone who I still like, and who still likes me (sort of). Anyway, if she does come back and throws herself at me, should I turn her away, and choose loneliness on behalf of my principles? Or should I let what happened in the summer stay in the summer? Thanks a lot for your opinions.

You seem to expect girls to look at you. Just because they don't doesn't mean they are intimidated or that they don't like you. They just have no reason to look at you. Christ, it would be great if every girl I walked by on the street checked me out and said "hi hot stuff!" But it just doesn't happen. You said that you have no problem getting girlfriends, and that girlfriends in the past have said you are "hot" or "cute". So what more do you want?

It's hard to say if you will get back together. 16 months is a long time; however, my best friend recently broke up with his gf of 4 years, and now he seems happy as ever with a new girl and has no intention of getting back with the old. I can only say what I'm sure everyone else has said: try to move on. If he has decided that he doesn't want to be with you anymore then you have to give him that freedom. Don't let your own thoughts drag you down; your life is not based upon him. You can live perfectly well without that person, but thinking about getting back together is only making your life hard. Just identify the thoughts that make this so diffucult and look at them from a rational standpoint. You have the power to get over this. Everybody does. Everybody has to go through this sometimes. Just remember that you can be okay and you will be okay. In the meantime, do things with your friends or family and just try to keep your mind from obsessing over him.

I used to be really shy. I was just pretty much a natural introvert, never seeing any reason to draw attention to myself. And truthfully, I still am that person. I don't consider myself an extrovert. I would say that I'm quiet, but not shy. Shyness comes from fear, fear of talking to people, fear of embarrassment, that sort of thing. They key is getting over any little fears you have that cause you to be shy. I think I got over my shyness by realizing that it was doing more harm than good. Shy people tend to miss a lot of opportunities, and I also got sick of carrying the reputation of a "shy guy". I figured that I would probably be better off not being shy, elusive, fearful and such. I suppose you could start by playing defense, so to speak. Be more responsive when others approach you. If someone strikes up conversation, don't be afraid to talk. Voice your opinions, share your interests, comment on random things. Remember: You will be a lot more interesting to people if you talk about stuff than if you don't say anything. Take any opportunity to let people know who you are. Project your persona! Let them know how cool you are, or at least let them know that you're not intimidated by them! (those are things I tell myself) I hope I was of some help. You'll do fine.

Get this. One of my best friends, since kindergarten, got married last month. He wanted me to be a best man or something like that, but suddenly he moved his wedding date up a couple months, and I was unable to attend because I was taking a class and I didn't have the money for a plane ticket. I told him that I wished I could go, but it didn't look like I could make it. And you know what he said? "I wish you could be here, but I understand if you can't make it." The moral of this story is, that's a good friend. Your friend is not acting like a friend, she acting like a, dare I say, b*tch.

I would suggest backing off from your friend for a while. It's good to be friends, but maybe you guys became a little too good of friends. I have a theory that a good friendship requires respecting each other enough not to get so close that you feel you don't have to respect them anymore. Does that make sense? It seems like some people get so close to each other that they feel like they can say or do anything, no matter how rude or offensive, and everything will be fine. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how strong a friendship is, if you antagonize each other enough then your relationship could fall apart. Friendships aren't unbreakable; they must be maintained by mutual respect. I would say to just ease off on hanging out with this guy for a while. Hopefully soon you will both remember why you became friends in the first place, and start having fun again.

Sex is good. Sex is alright, yeah. But I have to agree with his comment on the female genitalia. I have only 'tasted' two female genitals in my existence, but I'm not very anxious to taste anymore. I can't say I enjoyed the smell or the taste. And it's not like these were dirty drug-addicted wenches- these were nice, clean, normal girls. I love to please my lover, but I'm just speaking on behalf of the guys who don't dig the tang flavor.

Seeing a therapist is a good idea. Social anxiety disorders are very real, and very common, and they can be treated painlessley by professionals. I know it might seem like there is something wrong with you, but the truth is that it's all psychological stuff; associations and conditioning and reinforcements. Talk to a counselor or therapist about it, and you will feel much more confident.

Portland. Cool. Anyway... I have a friend who was in the exact same position a while back. She was 21 and a virgin, and she didn't want to be anymore, but she didn't want to lose it to just anybody. So you know what she did? She lost it with a friend she's known for a while, who she thought was attractive but didn't really want anything serious with. She doesn't seem to have any regrets...other than that now she's 'tasted blood', and wants to have sex again but still doesn't have anybody to really do it with. I'm not saying this is what you should do. I can't tell you what to do, really. The thing is, losing your virginity is a big deal if you THINK it's a big deal. Yes, you are always going to remember your first time, but remembering doesn't mean regretting. It's natural to want to wait for someone special, but you really don't know who is going to be 'the one'. now I'm rambling. Look: if you want to be a sexual being, go ahead. That's what humans are. You don't have to lower your standards or anything; just do what you think feels good.

I would really love to think that she's trying to start something again, but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up. This thing has been going on for so long, and I feel like I have given her many opportunities if she is interested. I'm afraid that if I tell her that I still have feelings for her she is just going to remain indecisive and nothing is going to change, and I will continue to feel like crap instead of getting over her. I don't know. Where does one draw the line between being pessimistic and being realistic?

It's been a long while since I posted my own problem, but now I really need some feedback. A little background: I met this Girl. We started hanging out, we became good friends, I thought she was interested in me, I told her I was interested, and she said she was too. THEN she withdrew from me, didn't see me as much, I figured she didn't want to start anything with me, she told me that wasn't true but she continued to distance herself, I decided nothing was going to happen, her behavior verified that, and I've been trying to just be her friend again. Several months go by. So recently I've been feeling good, because I thought I finally got over this Girl. One night last week a friend of her's came up to me at the bar and asked me if I still love her (the Girl). I was a little drunk, so I just said "maybe a little bit." And I didn't think anything of it. But the other night The Girl came over to my place and we were talking (we always have these long philosophical conversations about stuff). Suddenly she said "I know something about you" and chuckled a little bit. I asked her what was up, and she said that she heard about my little conversation with her friend at the bar. I asked her to elaborate, but she wouldn't go into detail, as she is a very shy person. Anyway, I became very angry, hurt, confused and unresponsive until she finally got tired and left my apartment. I've just been thinking and brooding these last couple days. The question I want to ask her is, why did she bring up that conversation? Does she think this is some kind of joke? Does she enjoy knowing that I still have feelings for her, and have been tearing myself up because of them? Does she get some kind of sick satisfaction from being unattainable to me? The reason this hurts so much it because we really are good friends, and I hate to think that she enjoys leading me on and perpetuating this stupid drama for her own pleasure. Any opinions? I would really like to hear a female perspective.

The neck is a great place to start exploring. I was surprised to find that girls go crazy when you kiss them on the neck. But you must know how far this girl is willing to go. Many girls will enjoy their chest being touched, but still others may get uneasy and think that you are simply trying to 'get somewhere.' So always be wary of her reactions. You will know when you are doing something right, and then just keep doin' it.

So you're asking how does one know if he is "inside?" Well that's part of the fun, son! Seriously, though, the girl will know if you are in or not. If you are pushing up against her thigh for ten minutes, most likely she will do something to...ahem...correct the procedure. And there's nothing wrong with that. If you two want to get down to it, you should both be putting in the effort to make things happen. As for the feeling...Just imagine that your penis is inside another person. It feels like that.

You either reminded him of someone, or he was checking you out. Hell, I've done it before. But if you saw him, that must mean you were looking back yourself. So why were you watching him? Do you think he's hot? Anyway, guys check out a lot of girls every day. He probably did like what he saw, but there'e not much else you can say.

Hmm... First of all, I don't like the sound of this guy. If he doesn't like you, he should leave you alone. The fact that he follows you and gets jealous doesn't mean he loves you, or even that he is interested. It sounds like he is keeping you as a safety. The fact is, all guys like to hear that someone is interested in them, even if they aren't very interested in that person. Here's what I think: you boost his confidence and self-esteem. He doesn't really want anything serious with you, but he likes knowing that someone cares about him. He doesn't want to lose that good "at least that girl likes me" feeling. It's pretty selfish of him, and you have a right to be pissed off. So how do you know he's the only guy you will ever love? That's a pretty bold statement. I fell in love with someone in high school and thought she was the only one, but here I am, 4 years later, and I've fallen deeply in love with another girl. She doesn't like me, but that's another story. No, wait... actually, I have a very similar problem. Anyway, my advice is to continue dating other people, and try not to burn it in your head that this is your one and only love, because it probably isn't. If he continues to follow you and get jealous, call him on it. Say "what the hell are you doing?" and get him to make up his mind. Most of all, be optimistic, and don't let this guy ruin your life.