benzoingum

I now hate the man that I once adored. I see nothing sentimental of our relationship but the deceit, controlling, immature and selfishness that this man now represent. He used me like a commodity. He used me as an experiment and entertainment because I am a 'fun girl'. He wanted commitment but became cynical about a future with me. He only wanted to talk or see each other whenever it was it was convenient for him. He never appreciated of my daily fight against my parents and the sacrifice I would take just to be with him. He only thought of his mission in his country and would blame me for his unhappiness if I questioned the practicalities off it. He would look down on me for my lack of ambition when I wanted nothing in life but to be with him. He wanted a break because he lacked the courage to break up. And when he did, it was on Valentine's day (breaching our 'break' rules) with a simple explanation,"It's too hard'. He didn't give me the full closure that I deserved for my understanding because he was tired. These were his actions. I want him to know how much he hurt me. I hope he will feel the same or if not more pain as I do.

I opened the newspaper today and saw the advertisement for the lunar new year celebration. The day when we first held hands...

I sold all of your books including that friendship book that you brought to justify our breakup. How could I possibly be your friend? You mislead me. You manipulated me. You hurt me. I don't care if you never had a close female friends because I am not your experiment. I don't care that you cared. If you regarded our friendship as the important factor why didn't you keep it that way? Oh, that's right, you never had a girlfriend. I was the most easy prey. I was 10,000 miles for your entertainment, without the serious commiment that a LDR wouldn't ever ever impose. You ran away because you didn't want to work things out because it's """TOO HARD""". You said our brief time of friendship before we became lovers was the best because it didn't require any commiment yet. I'll never forget those words... and I hate you for it.. I cannot regain 1.5 years of wasting everything on you. You broke my heart and many others by using them and you admitted that you didn't care about them. I will not rest till you feel the hurt as much as I have. I want to publicly denounce your name by referring you to as a selfish, love cynic, serial commitment phobic heartbreaker. I want to create a BIG billboard with your photo and place it near your graduate school when you start this fall. I will not rest until then.

Dear J, Today would be our two year anniversary if you hadn't decide that the relationship was "too hard". I still feel the injustice of how you initated and ended the relationship. You misled me and only pursure me, regardless 10,000 miles away for your experiment of never having a serious girlfriend. You stated that you were young and a different place back then. Those words hurt me because I percieved that you used me. Didn't you ever think the effort, time and sacrifice in a long distance relationship?? Why couldn't seek a local girl to use then break her heart. Unfortunately, I'm not the stage of enlightnment to say that everything we did together was worth it. I feel that it waste of time, waiting for you to show the commiment of the next stage. You weren't ready and lied about wanting it. My life was stagnant for 1.5 years because of you. I want to show you how you hurt me by cursing your name in a public domain for everything to see so that no one will ever be near and trust you. You may wanted be friends after our breakup and write about sentimental things, but don't deserve to be in my life for hurting me. I'll never forget about the first love (you) who was selfish and lied about one's intentions. I'll never trust you again!!!! I condemn you!!!

"It's too hard!" Well, I shall apply your mantra of our relationship to everything I do in life! I give up everything! The increasing crying for the past five months have attributed a growing tumour below my brain where the pituary gland lies, anaemia and three nose bleeds in one month. You never understand the suffering you have caused, Mr. its-too-hard-ex boyfriend.

It's been 5 months since you left me on Valentine's Day and I'm still feeling hurt and crying. I don't know what actions to take to minimise the effect of these emotions. I write write write... all the time with inconhesive words and smudge the pages with ink or rip through paper with a pen. I'm on my fifth book since January. I don't know who to talk about it. I left my old therapist because she thought I was doing 'better'. I'm seeing a new one now who is getting to know me. My doctor has doubled my dosage. I think about you all the time. Going back and forth. Especially to that fatal falling out. I now realised then that you didn't had the same feelings anymore in the last few months. Oh the signs that I failed to interpret. Anger phase: I don't miss you. Sometimes I think abut vengeance for you not being honest about your needs in the beginning. Was I some kind of experiment for you? 'I was young and in a different time. I wanted to pursue dating you because i never had a serious relationship'. - I want to break NC and tell you how much you ruin my life. My parents are wary of any man that would enter in my life and you know, I rather be isolated and confined in my room to remain a virgin. Sometimes, I should be grateful that you left me now than six years later - I would be agonizing over if you want to be with me for life in your country. I pity our LDR because the effort, time, energy and money - yet with no goals and LT plans on your behalf mostly. You only selfishly cared about graduate course to pursue your life long dream when you only could outlined sleeping arrangements with me. What was I to do in a new country with the possibility to be banished by my parents? I'm not the same now, but this my own self responsibility. It's no use blaming on someone, you, that I intentionally cast off from my life. I can't seem to past the past. I still don't understand the closure you tried to give me: 'it's too hard' and 'our relationship didn't get any better because of commitment'. I feel things for a few seconds and can't go back to the autonomy of life. I'm trying now... more than before by distracting myself with 'stuff'that I lost interest in a few months ago.