A friend decided I should go to a party he was at last night, just to see how I would feel. It was a party he was having for his brother's 21st, but it was being held at someone else's house.
We got there and I started feeling nervous, but I saw a group of people I knew and started talking to them. They said they really hadn't seen him that much that night, which was disconcerting. Why hadn't they seen him? Where had he wondered off to? I just convinced myself he was mingling about, not to assume the worst--that he'd gotten drunk enough to rebound off some random girl. He promised me he wouldn't do anything like that.
I saw him talking to a girl, I don't think it was anymore than talking, but my mind was over-thinking and trying to convince me it was more. She's a friend he reconnected with recently, the timing being the week we broke up. She's not his type, but they seemed chummy and were laughing and at one point she leaned in and they hugged briefly. It made me sick to my stomach to witness all of it. Eventually he wondered off and mingled with more people. I know he saw me. I saw him so he had to have seen me. But we didn't say one word to one another and he left a little while later.
I realized then and there that I wasn't even close to ready to try and be friends. And all of his friends were just solidifying that he was being a selfish jerk and that ever since they met me they thought I was too good for him. Why are they telling me this? Why aren't they telling him? He knows, though. When we were breaking up, he admitted that he was being a selfish jerk. I just wish he cared more.
I briefly told someone, a hopeless romantic, the situation. That he still loved me, but he needed some time to find himself. And he said that that wasn't love. It felt like a punch to the stomach.
I just hate him and love him ay the same time now. It's so confusing and I hate these feelings. My stomach has been feeling all nervous all day . . .