knightingale

That's such a sweet, wonderful poem. She will love it. Congratulations on your long, successful marriage!!!

That's really amazing. I love bluegrass, too, and I think it would make for a perfect bluegrass song.

Beautiful.

Contact broken. Again. I think I'm just going to stick with LC for now . . .

A friend decided I should go to a party he was at last night, just to see how I would feel. It was a party he was having for his brother's 21st, but it was being held at someone else's house. We got there and I started feeling nervous, but I saw a group of people I knew and started talking to them. They said they really hadn't seen him that much that night, which was disconcerting. Why hadn't they seen him? Where had he wondered off to? I just convinced myself he was mingling about, not to assume the worst--that he'd gotten drunk enough to rebound off some random girl. He promised me he wouldn't do anything like that. I saw him talking to a girl, I don't think it was anymore than talking, but my mind was over-thinking and trying to convince me it was more. She's a friend he reconnected with recently, the timing being the week we broke up. She's not his type, but they seemed chummy and were laughing and at one point she leaned in and they hugged briefly. It made me sick to my stomach to witness all of it. Eventually he wondered off and mingled with more people. I know he saw me. I saw him so he had to have seen me. But we didn't say one word to one another and he left a little while later. I realized then and there that I wasn't even close to ready to try and be friends. And all of his friends were just solidifying that he was being a selfish jerk and that ever since they met me they thought I was too good for him. Why are they telling me this? Why aren't they telling him? He knows, though. When we were breaking up, he admitted that he was being a selfish jerk. I just wish he cared more. I briefly told someone, a hopeless romantic, the situation. That he still loved me, but he needed some time to find himself. And he said that that wasn't love. It felt like a punch to the stomach. I just hate him and love him ay the same time now. It's so confusing and I hate these feelings. My stomach has been feeling all nervous all day . . .

Ugh. I accidently pressed the invite for audio chat for my ex boyfriend tonight on iChat. I tried to cancel it before he saw, but a couple of minutes later he IMed me, "Did you do that on purpose?" and I said, "No, it was an accident, sorry," and hoped he would just leave it at that but he said, "No worries, how was your fourth?" And from there we started talking again, not a lot, just a little. I didn't even make it two days! I tried, I didn't mean to break the rule. I feel like I should tell him I can't do this right now, that I'd like to not talk for a little while, but I don't know if I can... Back to square one. I guess tomorrow is Day 1 of NC all over again.

It's been a week since I've seen him. It's day two of actual NC, since we talked online for a little bit yesterday. It feel likes it's been longer since we said anything to one another. I'm not doing well today. I keep remembering that this month my parents were going to meet him and I was going to meet his grandfather, which was really important to him. I keep remembering a lot of things we had planned . . . It hurts not to have those things to look forward to now, but I'm trying to stay strong. It's taking everything in me not to go to his house and ask him to just hold me, like he used to. He always made me feel safe in those arms. I'm both really sad and kind of angry today. Those are an awful mix of feelings to have inside of you. I haven't been able to keep myself from looking at his Facebook and Myspace, so I think I'm breaking a rule there but it's close to impossible to not do, especially since I am not willing to unfriend him. In all other respects I am doing okay. This is torture.

I'm going to give this a shot. I don't think it will go over very successfully, since I told him we could be friends and we just spoke today on AIM. But it was a painful conversation, however casual it was, so I know I'm not even close to ready now to just be his friend. He says, and I hope, that one day we can be together again. It's just going to take space and time right now. I want him to miss me, so that's why I'm giving this a shot. I'm reluctant but mildly willing. Here goes everything! Consider this Day 1.