dfcannon

Before I answer your question directly, I want you to answer one question: do you find any value in this friendship, or has it been simply a case of this person ordaining herself a friend from the start? If there's something to salvage here, then talk to her first and give her a chance. There certainly are people out there who will selfishly latch onto someone else and be like a parasite, and if that's all she is, you are CORRECT in getting rid of her. The most polite way would be to totally ignore her, as you have tried, and when she manages to track you down, be busy, keep ignoring her, and tell her she needs to learn to respect your space. You should feel free to tell her why you don't enjoy her company, if she presses you on it. But anyway, the time-proven "polite" way to blow someone off is to be "busy." Hope this helps. This is a very difficult situation, since she's in your sorority. Try to band together with some sorority sisters on this and help plan things together that exclude her. If she becomes downright hostile, you should consider blackballing her from the house.

Yes, many women value stable and mature...women who are themselves stable and mature. Many confused and/or immature women confuse stable (which along with it comes a certain polite and non-hostile demeanor) with weak. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that stable and mature go hand-in-hand with lack of confidence, or too much "niceness." In fact, it's just the opposite. A stable and mature man can turn into one very rough and tough guy if someone is taking advantage of him. A girl who treats a mature man badly will find out very quickly that's he's not a wimp who will sit there and take it. Question is, do you want a selfish, immature game-player, or a real woman? If you want the real thing, continue being your mature and stable self and actively dump any women who are less than what you want. This is the only way to eventually get a good one. When you have this selective approach, you are also guaranteed to not come on too strong too early, because you are evaluating them as much as they are evaluating you.

The best way to prevent him from thinking you're easy is just to not be easy. It's impossible to know his true motivations, but he sounds very worth getting to know better. Here's the thing. If you approach every guy as someone you want to get to know better, then you can gradually let your feelings grow as he proves himself. If you leap to conclusions based on how he "seems," then you're always setting yourself up to maybe get hurt. So, take things one step at a time.

If "flaked" means she stood you up, that's always a deal-breaker for me. If she called and told you she was scared for her safety, then consider changing the venue. It depends on the context, in other words, but a broken date should be a deal-breaker in most cases.

Best thing you can do for this specific set of images is focus your imagination on a new woman. Trying to "not" think about something is tough, because you have to think about it to not think about it, you know? So you can't escape. The T.V., snacks, etc. idea is another avenue, but the best approach in my opinion is to develop new passions that draw you in, rather than trying to fill this hole with stuff that's, well, not too interesting, anyway.

You and he sound very young, and young people do things they regret and learn from them, so it's not "wrong" to get back with him. This is a time of life when you do not need to have deep commitments, anyway, so a boyfriend does not have to be your perfect dream man. There's a lot more going on here, though, that you're not saying much about. You say he broke up so that you wouldn't be hurt, which sounds nice, but he really did hurt you, right? That's the main thing. Could he hurt you again? Maybe, and you're scared about that...that's why you say you will never forget. That's the funny thing about relationships. They build and take on a life of their own, and have their own histories. Your best bet, in the long run of your life, will be to find a guy who cares enough about you to NOT cheat, ever, and then you will not have to live with these doubts and insecurities and concerns. If you want to date him now because you have a big crush on him, that's okay, but you should think in the back of your mind that he's not necessarily "The One." If he ever treats you anything worse than you want, or cheats again, then you should honor the importance of your own feelings and break up with him for the last time.

I'm a little confused here. He's been convicted of a white-collar felony, but will be put in prison with violent criminals? Shouldn't his lawyer be fighting to make sure he gets into a low-security prison designed for people like him? If the criminal justice system in this jurisdiction is barbaric enough to thoughtlessly throw him into a cell with a convicted sodomist, well, he has a problem. I would suggest he find ways to appear tough...less like a victim...and read the books linked earlier in this thread. If I were in this situation, I'd grow a beard, hit the weights, read those books, generally do everything possible to not look like a target. Tell him his life is worth a lot, and that he'll get out on the other side. Suicide will prevent him from all the GOOD things that can still be ahead, and he needs to focus on this. Personally, I doubt he will ever be raped. I think he is exaggerating the risk, because again, typically guys like him are not mixed with violent offenders.

If that's the case, what is preventing you from moving to an area with a strong gay community? No one says that you cannot maintain your Christian practices and beliefs. I have been active in several churches, and remember there were active, respected, gay members. I accepted them, and so did other non-gay members of the church. Now, there is a fierce debate about having gay clergy members, I know, but I see this more as a reflection of the growing acceptance that anything else. No TRUE Christian will ever condemn or shun someone for his "sins." Jesus said "he who hath not sinned shall throw the first stone." I think that's a wonderful expression of compassion and decency. Also, I'm not an expert on the Bible, but I don't think there are explicit condemnations of homosexuals in the Bible. These attitudes you are facing are actually more secular and emotional in nature...they are not the "word of God." The people who call themselves Christians and shun you are not real Christians, in my opinion. It sounds as if you are caught up in some kind of sub-sect of Christianity, and once again, I think that moving and broadening your horizons and options would be a great thing for you, if you're willing to do it.

Therapy is an admirable and honorable thing to try, in order to save this marriage and live up to this commitment. However, as a guy, I know that some women drive me wild with desire, and others give me little or not desire at all. It's kinda chance, too, because it has more to do with sexual chemistry than body type or hair color or anything like that. What I'm saying here is that nothing is turning up at the doctor's because he sounds perfectly normal. I suggest that you, as a mother, need to be supportive of his efforts to change, but be careful not to put him down or say he has some kind of "problem." The biggest problem he has, in my opinion, is that he overlooked sexual chemistry when he chose a wife, in a well-intentioned but NAIVE attempt at caring only about the person underneath. That sounds fine to say, but it's not reality, I'm afraid. I've seen studies showing that sex is the #1 deal-breaker when marriages fail. In my opinion, again, I think therapy may work if the therapist can reorient his thinking, but if the focus on therapy is finding out what the heck is wrong with the failure of a man, well, the therapist will only succeed in planting some false thoughts of inadequacy in his head. Therapy...getting inside someone's head...is tricky and requires a very delicate and sophisticated therapist. So, please be careful in how you talk about and handle this situation. It may be best to end this marriage and let these people be with people who satisfy their sexual needs.

A few of your comments were hard to follow, but I think the gist of it is that he comes on very passionate and sexual with women and sometimes, in the heat of the moment, he blurts out stuff like "I love you" or "I never want us to ever be apart" and then subsequently, when he realizes that he's not compatible with her, dumps her, and she says he's a total jerk, making him feel guilty. He runs ahead of himself, such as when he called you "My girl." He has trouble controlling his mouth, because he gets overwhelmed in the feelings of the moment, such as when he suddenly told you about his plans when he had originally said he would not. So, now he's giving you BIG warning signals that he has left a trail of destruction behind him, and while he's seductive and charming, he's also very dangerous. It's up to you how to deal with him, but he's making it quite clear that this hot new romance could end very abruptly, and probably will.

First of all, your sexuality is your sexuality, and you shouldn't feel demeaned by whatever your tastes are. Your sexual identity is also not something preordained by family history, i.e. you don't need to choose a gay lifestyle just because others in your family did. Starting from a point of acute self-awareness, which you seem to have, you should seek out a partner who understands and accepts who you REALLY are. In your situation, it seems an ideal match would be a bisexual woman. As for whatever fantasies you may have about men, you are free to have them and do not need to act on them. I hope I have helped. Yours is a complicated and subtle question. You may want to seek some kind of counseling, not to try to change your sexuality, but to learn how to live with it.

I did not read your last post until now. The whole "isn't it weird" thing is her way of bringing up the big problems you went through and trying to get some sense of where you stand now. Weird comments like this one are going to pop up out of the blue until you finally have the big talk, and then I suspect it will gradually become more of a joke than an issue. Remember that chicks forget nothing, so when your "weird comment" meter starts to blink, ask yourself what happened in the past to make her say that, and find a way to bring it up without ever sounding like you're accusing her.

Thanks for getting back on your progress. You must be feeling pretty good about yourself, having turned around a nearly-impossible situation that would have left most guys stranded at the side of the road with their suitcases. Anyway, I agree with the other posts that you have a good grasp of the situation. Now, the question is really about tactics, i.e. how to go about it. I suggest you find the frustration in yourself and let her have it a little, but never in a way that demeans HER, instead, demean her BEHAVIOR. Big difference. Get her into a comfortable setting where you can have a talk, but kinda slip the whole thing into a conversation. Don't make it seem as if you took her somewhere to have "the talk." Make the whole thing a little abstract, then bring in examples of her behavior and why that's not acceptable to you. Example: "I'm the kinda guy who thinks it's cool to have a steady gf, and it takes strong and special people to make a relationship work. Some of the things I think make or break a relationship are (fill in things she has done wrong, but don't specifically name her jjust yet...lol)..." Then say, "for example, when you previously...." By doing it this way, you still have wiggle room, because you're still not asking her to be bf/gf. You'll drive her even more crazy by making things a little abstract. Nooow she's gonna get riled up, or cry, or whatever. It's critical that here you don't back down or wimp out. Play off your own emotions here. Be firm, but caring, and if she starts to get angry or upset at you, this is where you need to find that frustration and raise your voice right back. This is where her friend talks about her wanting to see the real you asserting yourself. The key is to never, ever, put her down. Focus on her behavior, because these words will be etched in her mind until she's 120 years old, so make 'em something you can defend. This is all I can think of at the moment, but again congrats on your big 4th quarter comeback. ;o)

That's interesting, because it's often us guys who are complaining about women getting colder when we are nice or close to them. One thing on your side is that she seems to have some of this hot-and-cold herself. Your feelings are your feelings, so I suggest you allow yourself to fade in and out at times, but don't verbalize this to her. It would drive her crazy. Love is not always a burning passion. I even read once that long-time lovers have the strongest feelings after a loved one is lost, because the dominant feeling, if that's what it is, in a long-term relationship is calm and inner peace. If she's giving you that, then recognize it and focus on that when the fire and passion seems at a low point.

It's tough to say how much he likes you, or whether he has romantic feelings at all. Based on the info he has given you, anyway. What I CAN say with some confidence is that he's a little hard-up, okay a LOT hard-up, and he hopes you'll relieve him of that in the most graphic and clear of terms. I find this a little disturbing, though, because he seems to be so heavily focused on issues of sex and jealosy (the other bf), and doesn't seem to have any sense of how to have a relationship with you. Furthermore, his obsession with oral sex makes me think he's a domineering control-oriented guy, which is exactly what a somewhat innocent and inexperienced-with-guys virgin does not need in her life. One more thing...I'm a guy and lemme tell you, I can go longer than a year without a girl giving me a BJ. Truth is, in my opinion, most women have no idea how to give a good one. It's usually some sort of aggressive "attack," as a favor or obligation. Rarely is it sensual or mutually enjoyed. Yet, this guy seems to love that feeling of power he gets, which is what most BJs are about. Do u get my drift here? This guy's a little "off," if you ask me. Be very careful!