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guaydaddy

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  1. it's been two weeks, since i've seen her. tonight she is coming over, not because i envited her or anything like that, but becasue we happen to be apart of the same comedy troupe of which, i am the guy in charge kinda. we had been together for a good six months, until two weeks ago she just threw me away. everything was good. i honestly fell in love with this girl and it was the first time in my life that i felt a pure emotion in this form. i had been in love before, but it was always forced, most of the time by me. i would make myself feel in love, when it wasn't natural. this time, i took my time, never thiking about it, just letting things go and just flowing with it as it came. this girl was something very special. beautiful, sexy, smart, pure, decent and honest. not to mention the first girl that really made me laugh and the first girl i felt close too as a friend as much as a lover. she told me that there was this 2% missing for her. that everything was there in the relationship for her, but there was this 2 % missing that she didn't know what. but, she figured she'd never be able to get it, hence she would never be able to fall in love with me. we had just had a great weekend up on the coast. we had fun and things seemed good. we were listening and understanding each other. then we got back and she just threw me away. i really miss her. most of the time, i'm ok. i just don't think about it, but whne i do, i am overwhelmed by an intense sadness and longing to have her back. tonight, i see her again. in my dreams, she pulls me aside, asks me to join her in the other room for a moment, away from everyone else. we go into the room and she hugs me as tight as she can, gives me a kiss, and tells me she was wrong, that she misses me and wants me back. she made a mistake. of coarse, this will never happen. she is gone and i can accept that, but i still miss her and do long to be with her again. she is very special to me. she is my serendipitous affliction. a constint reminder of a love that was never meant to be my. an affliction, i'm afriad i'll never want the cure for. sure, sure i have been asked out since then, and i will probably date again, but it will be a long while until i can accept that she is gone from my life in that role. i'm sure we will always be friends, which will hurt, but i am strong and i really can't allow her not to be in my life. she means too much. i will always miss her as she was, when she would lay next to me. when i would brush the back of my hand accross her face and dance my fingers through her hair and around her ear. she would look up at me with those eyes a powder blue and i would be gone from all my probelms and worries. she could always make me laugh with the most mundane things she would do. i wish only the best for her. i hope she finds no pain as she carries on with her life. when she finds love, i pray it is with smoeone who will really know how lucky they are and what a wonderful soul that they have found. the thing that saddens me the most these days, is that i'm not the one. the one she will be with. the one she will fall in love with. the one she wants. i'll never be the one that is for her. the one she is to meet and be happy with. as much as it doesn't make sense why she left me, i guess it just wasn't meant to be. it's frustrating to feel that something that felt so right in every asspect, can just end because "it wasn't meant to be". it's like some cosmic joke. you can get so close to the real thing, but then "no". it hurts that only i fell in love, when it felt like she did, too. perhaps she was just scared, i would think. but what's the use in fighting it. i can't change her mind. i do have one hope with this, and that is that after not being with me after some time, she will realize what we had and maybe, just maybe, she will want it back. i don't think having that hope is a bad thing. i know i must carry on with my own life and my own dreams. but getting her back would diffinatly make my life a whole hell of a lot more worth wild. she is without a doubt, one of the most amazing creatures on this planet. a very special soul. a very pretty girl, that i will always love.
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