Sara_M

Yes, as a matter of fact, I have been cheated on. My husband cheated on me and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I chose to forgive him and stay and work things out. It was far from easy. Maybe my situation was different because he told me about it because he said he felt guilty and we'd always promised to be honest with one another. Also, because it was a one nighter (as opposed to a full blown affair where he'd lied to me repeatedly to keep it hidden). So you have the added pain of knowing he slept with someone else AND is capable of lying to you. Anyway, I'm not naive, I realize that most relationships could not survive this. But there are some that have. In fact, a very good friend of mine who says they are happier and closer than they ever were before the affair. I think that people who don't understand WHY they cheat, will lie and cheat again. But I believe that people can evolve and grow... if they choose to. With self-understanding, evolution is possible. The odds may be against it. And that is where none of us here can help you, Kyky, because none of us knows your boyfriend as you do. At most, we can only generalize and give advice based on our own painful experiences. We may have done things as children that we'd never do as adults because now we understand the full repercussions of certain actions. Isn't there anyone here who's ever done something they later regretted because of the pain it caused. Wouldn't you be able to say with confidence you'd never do that thing again?

I don't believe in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" philosophy. People can change, but only if THEY want to change. The first step to change is understanding WHY you've done something. That's why we study history -- so that we can learn from it. If we don't understand our history, we're doomed to repeat it. I believe you can honestly forgive infidelity and move on to have a stronger relationship. I also believe you can cheat on someone (a very selfish act) and come to the realization that it didn't solve the problem that lead you to do it in the first place. You can emerge a wiser person. Though, it's true not everyone learns from their past experiences. Remember, there are no sinners without a future and no saints without a past! Can you honestly understand why he cheated on you? Or are you blaming it all on this other woman? IMO, that's not dealing with the "real" issue -- which lies squarely between you and your boyfriend. In other words: Focusing on her only deflects from the real problem. IN this way you'll never get to the root of the problem.

Kyky, I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through. I've been in your shoes and I also made him tell me every single detail, as painful as it was -- there must be a psychological reason for this, but I also couldn't let it go. I think the reason you're "obsessing" about it is because you can't understand WHY it happened. Somewhere inside you know there IS a reason. You're unable to let it go because of the fear it could happen again and you'd be just as clueless as you were then. He has to be honest with you about what he may not have been getting from your relationship. Understanding that he was sorry for his actions and forgiving him is only one part of the equation. But getting to the heart of the matter, what was going on in your relationship at the time of his infidelity. Painful as that kind of conversation may be, that's the only thing that will help you let this thing go. The truth will set you free... Best wishes, Sara_M

You've got a great attitude -- you're definitely on the road to healing and I'm so glad you shared your inspirational thoughts here for others who are in pain to see. I think we always tend to think that each person we're involved with is "the one." The one we'll spend our lives with forever. But not every person we're involved is meant to be that. Sometimes we have relationships just to help prepare us, so we'll be ready for "the one." Best wishes to you~ Sara_M

Life is fascinating ... I've been through what you're experiencing and I've seen it happen to lots of people I know. Someone here (I forgot who) wrote that they think it's God's way of punishing us by making us regret what we gave up, but I look at it as God's way of TEACHING us. What better way to learn, than to experience a situation from the opposite perspective! I've been smothered, and I've been the smotherer (is that a real word?). Anyway, I was really needy in a relationships and eventually my boyfriend left me for another girl who was just the opposite. I'll never know if he regretted what happened, but she was definitely a more independent type and they broke up very quickly. I've had lots of relationships since, with guys who were needy and ultimately it drove me crazy. I liked it in the beginning, because it let me know I was loved and I felt totally secure, but after a while it always would get on my nerves. The last two guys I was with who were smothering like that, told me after we broke up that they got with women who were more smothering than them and it drove THEM crazy! Of course, they then said they understood how I must have felt. Lesson learned. As for me I realized that I'd be happier with a guy who loves me, but also gives me space and isn't so needy. Every once in a while I miss the constant reassurances you get from the smothering types, like my last boyfriend. If I start to compare them, I start to feel like I'm missing something. But when I remember how much it got on my nerves -- I thank God for the one I'm with, he loves me AND he gives me space, he's perfect for me! The most important lesson these things bring us is knowledge of what's most important to us in a relationship. Sounds like you just need to choose which "style" of loving works best for you and choose someone who's compatible with that. Another lesson I got from all of this is that what's most important is fulfilling your own needs *yourself*. That's why smothering never works -- that person is trying to get you to fulfill all your needs and no person outside of yourself can do that. Sara_M

Sounds like your marriage has gotten to a crisis point and nobody is willing to face the issues directly. From your perspective your wife doesn't want to sleep with you and finds you sexually undesireable. I don't know your wife's perspective, but in my experience, when a woman (or man) doesn't want to have sex with their mate the situation's usually been preceded by unexpressed anger or resentment that's been around long before your sex lives went out the window. In other words, it's hard to feel sexual desire for someone when you're angry with them. It's hard to tell from your post, but it doesn't sound like the two of you have been communicating much about your feelings. And now you're feeling like you may have a chance at happiness with your old girlfriend. For many reasons I think it would be a mistake to see her and start up an affair. The most important reason is it will only complicate the real issue here ... how to fix what's wrong in your marriage. This is going to be difficult, but I think you and your wife need to have a real, honest discussion about your feelings. It's said that the truth will set you free. Maybe if you told your wife about your old girlfriend and how you don't want to cheat on her ... she'd probably be angry at first, but after the anger subsided, maybe she'd realize how important you are to her. Maybe it would be a "wake up" call that things have gone horribly wrong in your marriage but that it's not too late. If you could find a way to initiate a real heart-to-heart talk with you wife, you're going to find out some very valuable information, one way or the other. Someone has to do it, or you'll never how if your marriage ever really had a fair chance of survival. Something to think about ... Sara_M

Hi Allan, I agree with Holeinmysoul33, i think it seems easier for her because she's already done her grieving (while you were still married). Once she decided that the marriage could not work, she started going through the stages (mentally) of accepting your break up. You probably had no idea that there were serious problems in the marriage and that is very unfortunate. As a result, she's already much further along than you in terms of healing and making peace with what has happened. She probably already started feeling like a single person long before your separation (possibly years). That's why she could become involved with someone else so soon. She probably wants to move on as quickly as possible and that's why she's so enthusiastic (happy?) about signing the document your lawyer suggested. It will make official what's already "finished" in her mind. I know this is painful for you. That's mainly because you're understandably way behind her in terms of accepting the reality of your situation. I hope talking to friends and family and posting on enotalone has at least, brought you some peace, compassion and understanding. There's an amazing book I'd like to recommend which will explain a lot of what you're experiencing. It's called "Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships" by Diane Vaughan. The author really makes sense of what happens when people break up. There are lots of quotes from divorced people (from her case studies) Reading this book was extremely helpful to me when I was going through my divorce. Sara_M

I was wondering -- is this your first time dating someone of another race? I used to only date exclusively within my own race (african-american). It wasn't a conscious choice, it's just what seemed "natural", I guess. But as I grew older and more self-confident, I opened up to the possibility of dating outside my race. My reason for asking if this is your first experience in interracial dating, is that the first time I dated a white man, I noticed people giving me strange looks when we'd walk hand in hand on the street, in stores, etc. and I felt uncomfortable. That relationship didn't really last very long. I've been with my current boyfriend (also a white man) for over 3 yrs. and I have to say I never notice people looking strangely at us. And no one acts "weird" either. And I believe the *true* reason is because I'm totally comfortable with it. If there's any weirdness, I don't see it. I believe that when you become totally comfortable with dating this woman, you won't notice people being weird anymore, either because it's no longer happenening or because better yet, you'll no longer care. Be happy~ Sara_M

As i understand your situation it sounds like you already know exactly what's going on (I believe that deep down, we all know exactly what to do for ourselves). You said that you know what he loved about you in the beginning was your confidence and the fact that you were independent. But as the relationship progressed you became increasingly dependant and needy. You also said that is a pattern you've recognized in yourself in past relationships. So, in a way you can't blame him -- in essense, you're not the woman he fell in love with. It's almost like false advertising So, ask yourself -- what happened to her? And which one of you is the "real" one? First off, I believe things keep happening to us so that we can become aware of our "issues", and then we know what we need to work on. I think you should take this time to work on yourself. You'll need to figure out why you change in relationships. If the "needy" one is the REAL you -- then fine -- that's who you should be when you meet a guy. You won't change and he'll know who he's getting involved with. But if the "confident" person is the REAL you, then you shouldn't be sacrificing that for a relationship. Pay close attention to your behavior and notice when it starts to change. It will probably feel weird but you'll have to force yourself to maintain some independence. It's important for your relationship and also for your self- respect. As for this guy, if he doesn't call -- I know it hurts -- but just look at it as an experience, a "wake up" call, to work on your issues. And when the next guy comes along (and he WILL), you'll be better prepared to deal with him. Bottom line is, we really can't love someone until we truly love ourselves. Best wishes, Sara_M

And like any habit, or addiction, it can be overcome, but it takes serious committed work and maturity. I don't like general statements, because I believe there's exceptions to every rule -- so while the "once a cheat, always a cheat" idea has some basis in truth, it doesn't leave any room for those who might overcome those odds. If someone cheated on me, I couldn't stay with them until they could give me a satisfactory answer as to HOW it happened. Not only that, but they would have to be able to tell me how they'd intend to prevent it from happening again in the future. That takes some serious self-analysis, or even professional counseling to come up with honest answers to those kinds of questions. In other words, "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. People who cheat are people who have dealt with things in the past that probably took place in secret. This creates a personality that falls easily into deceptive circumstances. They've already had lots of "training" in keeping their behavior hidden from discovery. There are many other signs that a person might cheat, including coming from a family where cheating has taken place. I'm speaking from experience, I've been cheated on, I've also been a cheater and I've been the "outside person" who someone cheated with. I am not proud of any of this, but I will say that I have learned valuable lessons about life and relationships. I realize how destructive this behavior is, and never intend to participate in it again in the future. Not only do I realize how much pain it causes for all involved. It also doesn't give your primary relationship a fair break. It doesn't do anything to address the real issue -- what's causing you to feel neglected, or dissatisfied with your loved one. If you're truly unhappy -- it takes courage and maturity, but the right thing to do is talk about it. If you then decide to split up, you can do so with a clear conscience that you've done all you could do and you haven't caused anyone any unnecessary hurt. People who cheat, are much like a drug addicts, or alcoholics. They need to recognize when they could be drawn into a possibly dangerous situation. Just like a drug addict shouldn't continue to hang around his friends who use, or it's not a good idea for an alcoholic to hang out in a bar, or even a pedofile to work with kids (ok, you get the picture). A person who's not inclined to cheat can probably slow dance with someone they're attracted to, and not worry about it going any further. A cheater would be wise to avoid that situation or any situation where temptation could be too great. I think that might be part of the problem too. People who cheat get a thrill out of seeing how close they can get to the "flame" of cheating without getting burned. But are they being honest with themselves???? So, in answer to the original question, should you forgive your girlfriend? I think much honest discussion needs to be had between you. I was cheated on and I thought the "noble" thing to do was to forgive him and get on with our relationship. But, inside I was full of resentment, and ultimately our relationship was damaged beyond repair ... we split up a few years later. So, you'll need to take your time with this one before you decide what you ultimately want to do. But if you decide to get back together, let it be because you honestly feel this is the best person for you. Don't get back together because you're afraid to be alone, or are worried you'll never find someone else. IN other words, do some serious soul searching. Hope this helps~ Sara

You're obviously in a lot of pain and desperately searching for answers. Unfortunately, there are no easy ones. But I felt compelled to respond and hopefully I'll write something that may help in some way. One thing that struck me about your post is your honesty. You seem to want to accept the part you might have played in your relationship getting to the point it is now. You wrote that you probably took her for granted and that you were controlling at times. You wrote that looking back it's clear to see she was probably depressed. That's good, you're making honest accessments and they sound reasonable to me. Many people would find it easy to just blame your girlfriend for her behavior and play the part of the innocent victim. That really doesn't lead anywhere -- unless all you're looking for is sympathy. I like your honesty and I feel because of that you might have a chance at getting back together, but that's only if she is willing to be equally as honest. I have to point out that one thing, however, that's not in your favor for getting back together. And that is that you got together so young. I'm sure you've heard this before, but it might bear considering. There is so much change that happens in people especially in their teen years. At such a young age, most people aren't even close to developing their views on life, or their feelings about what is important to them in a love relationship. So, your girlfriend is probably being honest when she says she's not in love with you, or she's confused. In other words, it would be the exceptional person who would not change and grow apart. Still, there are people who have pulled it off ... but it takes a lot of work and so it all boils down to whether or not you BOTH want to take that on. It requires a commitment on both parts. If she is not willing to put in the work it would take to work things out, you'll have to accept that ... at least for the time being. It may be the kind of thing that time will reveal so you will need to be patient. If she is confused, you don't want to push her, or she'll pull away. You want to let her know you're commited to your relationship and so you're willing to give her some time and space to get her feelings together. Maybe you could suggest coming back at an agreed upon date -- maybe 6 mos. -- to get together and talk about your feelings. That may be a painful option to consider, but it might be necessary. Like Sting says "if you love someone, set them free." So, if this is what happens -- what do you do in the meantime? I would suggest working on your self and your own life as an individual. That's what I meant when I wrote in the subject line of this post: "everything happens for a reason." You wrote certain things in your post that lead me to think you've been stunted in your personal growth in certain ways because your girlfriend took care of those things. That struck a particular chord with me, because I experienced the same thing in my marriage. When we split up, I realized for the first time how little I knew about things that most people would think everyone knows. He took care of paying all the bills, so I knew nothing about credit cards and how they work. I knew nothing about leasing/buying cars because he handled all of our major purchases. The list goes on and on, and as a result, I had to become knowledgeable in my own right. And though it was scary, embarrassing at times and painful, I did it. And you know what? I feel better. I feel good about myself as a person. And I wound up attracting the most wonderful guy into my life. But that's another story You wrote that you "can't cook... can't clean", etc. well, now you have time to learn. IN the process you'll make yourself into a better person, for YOU. And when you get back together in 6 mos. to talk, she'll notice the difference too. And so will everyone else around you. Maybe it's already begun happening as your friends have hinted that you're a lot more fun to be around than you were before. So, I agree with the people who say don't keep trying to contact her and convince her of your point of view. You'll only aggravate the situation. I say "actions speak louder than words". SHOW HER by example, that you can be a better person. You'll be amazed at how powerfully this can work. I'm not sure I addressed all of your points, but I've commented on what struck me the most. If marriage in the cards, you'll both know. And if it isn't, well, it's better you found out now before you were legally involved. There are many people however, who have gone through tough times, such as you've described, and gotten back together only to find their relationships even stronger. Wishing you all the best ~ Sara