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Upinmyhead

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  1. Tell her the truth. "Look, I like you, but not in that way. I'm sorry, but I really don't want to lead you on." She might avoid you, that's good. She might keep trying, whether that annoys you or not, you can handle it. She might just decide to be friends, that's good. Whatever you do, DON'T make it a friendship with "benefits". It ALWAYS comes back to bite you on the ass. All you have is your dignity. Keep that healthy, and people will KNOW it.
  2. A while ago, a male friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend of two years. I was quite friendly with both of them. Apparently the guy thought I was a good sounding board for the 3 months it took him to work up the guts to break it off with her; during the time he asked me a lot about what he should do. I told him to be honest and not jerk her around about it. He told me I was one of his best friends for always helping him. I didn't think it was a big deal. Don't be dishonest with your SO. Simple rule. After he finally worked up the bloody nerve, he ended up giving her some bs story about how he loved her, but couldn't be with her anymore. Anyway, she told me one night (by email) that she was seriously depressed and thinking of killing herself. All thoughts of staying the F*** out of the situation kind of went away for a while. I talked her down and went to her house the next day, took her to a nearby park and told her to vent. She told me he'd said he meant he loved her as a friend (knowing the guy, he was bullshitting her the night he broke up), and didn't want to see her anymore. Anyway, I told her he was confused (I figured it was true enough if not completely honest) and that he wasn't going to turn around and get back with her once he'd sorted it out (going nightclubbing for three months with him getting drunk and grabbing asses left and right kind of made me figure he was attempting to move on). I continued talking to her via email or phone occasionally while my guy friend told me how happy he was for dumping her, although he was going for dinner at her house still and felt like jumping her (reeeeeeal smooth, ain't he? A month later I heard he'd gotten with some chick at a party. I wasn't actually at the party, because the bastard had forgotten to tell me about it, and then told me it was my own fault for not asking him about it (work out that logic). Anyway, having been asked by Ex-gf to ring her during the week, she told me he was going over for dinner again and I said "Oh? Okay." She asked me why and I said "Nothing.", which was clearly weak as piss. So she kept asking and eventually I told her he'd gotten with a chick at a party. That's my stupid move, I admit it. She was suffering from first-love syndrome, where he'll jump back into her arms if only she waits for him to miraculously change his mind... maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, but at the time I just ended up telling her after she dogged me about it. It was honest. I thought it was something that she should know (from what I gather, he wasn't telling her of his exploits on the weekend). I wasn't trying to upset her, that's why I tried to avoid her suspicions. But I knew it wasn't what she wanted to hear. Anyway, what's done is done, she said she was okay with it, I asked her several times, told her I was sorry, phone call ends. Twenty minutes later, I'm listening as her mother berates me for upsetting her so badly, tells me that honesty isn't as important as I'd imagined it to be, made frequent reference to her age (and wisdom), and told me in no uncertain terms to NEVER contact her daughter again. Three days later I find out through another friend that the guy was told about the phonecall, told her he 'wanted to tell her but hadn't gotten around to it', then fed a story to his (and my) entire group of friends that I was a stalker, had tried to feel up his ex, was chatting up his ex and constantly telling her what a miserable shit he was (Now THAT's smooooth... bag the ex she's still in love with, that'll get her leaping into my arms NOT), and many, many other dirty lies, including calling her mother dirty names on the phone. The list of bullshit goes on, but I'll spare you. Bottom line though: it isn't true. Hideously regretful and embarrassed about the whole bloody ordeal, I pretty much didn't get in touch with anyone but 3-4 of my mates, who told me they didn't believe his bullshit (I later found out no-one did, but unfortunately that was 3 or so months down the road). Two months later, said ex-gf invites me to a weekend getaway with a bunch of our group of friends. I asked her why she was suddenly talking to me again, she said she never wanted to stop communicating and her mother had told her to (while in psycho motherbear protective mode). She was apparently unaware of the rumours the guy had told everyone (coughbullshitcough), and told me she was really unimpressed with him. I also later found out that another friend in the group pretty much did the same thing as me (told her he wasn't gonna come back for her) a month or so after I had; she hung up on him after yelling at him, and a few days later rang up crying and said he was right. He didn't get the "filthy stalker trying to feel up ex-gf etc etc." treatment. Lucky me From what I've seen in the two months since she started talking to me again, he's using her as a substitute gf. He's too chickenshit to go out and get himself a new gf, so he just always hangs around her and tells her guys she's interested in are all wrong for her, then ditches her to go get shitfaced and feel up more chicks. Incidentally, he's never once said ANYTHING to my face, although he rang me one night at 1am on another friend's cellphone, said little other than "hey mate", then hung up after I said "So why are you ringing me, mate?". Several minutes later, the other friend rang me up to say sorry, and I heard the ***head verbally abuse me in the background. Like I said, chickenshit. Social occasions are a complete bitch recently. There's clusters of friends. I don't talk to him, he doesn't talk to me, our friends intermingle, but I always feel a lot more uncomfortable than I used to. Like I'm disturbing something, or that I'm constantly being watched for what I do around the ex-gf. I'm told that I'm not and that everyone knows the guy is a dishonest chickenshit ***head, but it's hard to shake the feeling when people are hanging with him and laughing, hugging him and the like. Sure, they do it to me too, but I don't make dirty shit up about him being a stalker, so I'm probably just being paranoid. Anyway, the ex is still in love with him and ends up driving home sobbing almost every time she's not giving him a ***ing lift home from the party; she just can't understand how he's so two-faced. I've heeded the advice of other friends and not tried to comfort her, but it always makes me feel like a complete rat-bastard. She talks to me as long as he's not in hearing distance, cuddles and tickles me at times, and yet if he can see her, it's like I don't exist. And I haven't worked out how to tell her to stop talking to me without having everyone else hear about it. Honestly, I'd rather not say it, she's great and I like her. But great is not worth shit when her interaction with me completely depends upon whether her ex is around. She's invited me to her 18th in about two weeks time. (the vast majority of the group is 20-21) She's really psyched about it, but I can't help but feel that I should tell her her behaviour towards me really shits me. I haven't, of course, because I can't think of a way to say it without sounding either whiny or needy. And we're all putting some money in to get her personalized numberplates. I have already, so I don't know whether I should go or not. Oh, and Mr. Lying ***head's going to be there, as well as Ex-gf's parents, who I haven't talked to since I got chewed out on the phone... I mean, honestly. It's been suggested that I either confront him and beat the shit out of him, confront him and ask him why he's spreading dirty rumours about me, ignore him, try and make up with him.... The solution that sounds best to me is the one where I recognize him for the filthy chickenshit bastard he is for not even ASKING me what happened and beat him till candy comes out, but that's more anger than common sense talking. Comments? It's been a long read, I know, but I would really appreciate some advice, or just anything you might want to say, whether you think I'm a nice guy or an asshole. Hey, I KNOW I made a mistake. I really put my foot in my mouth, but I had good intentions. Better to look a person in the eye and say what you really think, not just smile and say what you're supposed to think, right? That's what friends are for, right? To not just tell you what you want to hear?
  3. Shy people tend to become less shy, with a familiar face. I would talk to this person for a few days/weeks until you see them open up somewhat. This will have the added effect of (hopefully) making the guy feel a bit more self-confident It's true that guys are generally acknowledged as the ones to initiate these things. That doesn't mean a woman shouldn't, it just means it's unusual To put it simply, the guy will either be flattered, or intimidated. If he's imtimidated, then what do you mind? He's shy anyway... far too much effort needed
  4. One of my best friends, John, has recently broken up with his girlfriend, Cindy. I've been friends with John for quite some time and met Cindy after they started going out. I immediately liked Cindy when I met her, and I'm attracted to her. I love her personality more than anything else, and I get along with her really well. During the course of their relationship, I let Cindy know that I wanted her to be a friend, not just "John's girlfriend", and at the time, she agreed fully and said she really wanted to get to know me better, and to have me as a friend. Anyway, John came to me with many of his relationship troubles. They've been fighting for months now. John kept a lot of his feelings hidden from Cindy during the relationship, in particular, things he wasn't happy with. John's a bit detached, I suppose, and would rather not cause any conflict in the hopes that a problem will go away, and I think that this detachment meant he was dishonest to Cindy. In any case, I told him to be honest with himself and to make a decision based on that, because they were fighting almost constantly and I believed that he wasn't being fair on himself or Cindy when he kept things to himself. John told me he'd broken up with Cindy. They'd had a big fight at her house, and he left. She called him on his cellphone, and he returned. They then broke up. Cindy was really upset. John had told me that she had 'let go' of many of her friends during their relationship, and I know that being alone after a breakup is bad. I sent her an email letting her know that I had made a big deal of her friendship before the breakup, things had changed, but I still wanted to remain friends. She replied saying that she was really appreciative, and really thankful that I'd sent the email, and that she too wanted to 'get to know me better'. About a week ago, Cindy was really upset, and in an online conversation we had, she said she was feeling alone, felt that nobody cared about her and felt like she wanted to be dead. I'm naturally a very empathic person, and hearing this from her worried me deeply. I let her know that she was not alone and made arrangements to talk with her the next day. During that talk (which was in person), Cindy told me that when John and her had broken up, he had said he loved her more than anything, and had cried. Considering the sort of person John is, I wouldn't have expected him to cry; I suspected he was letting Cindy down easy, so as to not hurt her. She'd talked with him on the phone the night before, and he'd told her he meant he loved her only as a friend, and that's all he meant. She was extremely confused, was questioning just how much of the relationship was real, and felt very upset. I told her that it was best to assume that John's phone statement was his real feelings, that he felt the relationship was over. Cindy also told me about many of the fights they'd had, said that John had unceasingly concentrated on her body and was very distant. That she told him everything, had believed him when he said there was nothing wrong, etc etc. She said once again she was alone, that no-one cared, and I said "I care about you, hey. I'm not just saying that, I wouldn't be here today if I didn't." Cindy worried that she would make things weird between me and John, and I replied that I could separate them in my head and that they were both my friends, and I would be there for both of them whenever they needed me. She thanked me for being there for her. I felt that our friendship had gone an extra step after this, I was really happy that I could help her. I told myself that I would ask her to do something every week, to try and help her understand that she still had friends. I'll point out here that I didn't try and set up a date with her; the things I suggested included doing things with my older sister, who had previously met Cindy and liked her. I'll stress here: I do like Cindy, I do feel attracted to her, but I don't think she's ready for another relationship, I'm perfectly happy just being her friend, and I honestly am not ready for a relationship myself. Yesterday I rang Cindy and asked if she would like to do something on the weekend. She said "I'll have to say no for now, I have a lot of study to do. Ring me tomorrow because right now, I don't know." I did, today, and she once again said she was busy with study, so I said "Okay, I'll talk to you sometime later." This evening, I was planning to go out with John, who told me that Cindy had sent him a letter saying that she loved him, but could accept his decision and was happy being friends. By complete accident, he was telling me this when his cellphone rang, and Cindy talked to him and mentioned she was having lunch with some mutual friends of ours, Jess and Becky, the next day. I didn't mention that I'd asked Cindy if she'd like to do something on the weekend to John; I think he'd make a wrong conclusion on it that could affect our friendship for now, at least. In any case, he was aware that I liked Cindy as a friend very much before they broke up, and I'd rather not bring up his ex-girlfriend with him around for a while. But now I know that Cindy wasn't being honest with me earlier, and right now I feel quite annoyed and hurt. I spoke with Jess about what she was doing on the weekend, and she said she was going out with Becky to 'see a mate'. At the time I thought it was someone I didn't know, but I now know it's Cindy. So... Cindy lied to me about her weekend. I don't know why. Telling me the truth wouldn't be a problem for me in any way. I know Becky and Jess, they know Cindy too, that's perfectly fine. But I find myself really upset that Cindy didn't tell me the truth, and I can't explain why. I'm also a little worried about Jess, because Jess knows I know Cindy, probably a little better than she does, and yet she never mentioned her name at all to me, which my admittedly pessimistic mind is already a vague, conspiratorial way to keep me clueless on this. Once again, Jess telling me she was going to have lunch with Becky and Cindy is not something that would upset me in any way. What should I take away from this? I mean... I don't want to sound like the kind of person who does a favour to get a favour in return. I helped Cindy because I like her, I don't want to see her upset, hurt, and feeling alone. She seemed grateful enough before; why be dishonest about this? I am really clueless, not sure how to approach this, and quite frankly my first reaction was to call Cindy on it, which I don't want to do, and haven't done yet. I can't seem to stop myself thinking about this. I've got this scenario in my head that I've done something to upset, annoy or irritate Cindy, and she's told Jess and/or Becky, and now they're both trying to keep me in the dark. I just have no idea whatsoever what I've done wrong, if anything. And I know I'm beginning to overreact the more I think about it. What do you think I should assume from this? Should I distance myself from Cindy? Should I call her on it? Should I ring her while she's at lunch and inquire how study is going, and then ask who she's with? (that's the most evil thing I can think of, and personally, I don't like that I'm thinking it right now). I just... I have this thing about honesty with my friends, and this is kind of like, really testing me on the fact that it was just last week that I even made a conscious effort to be honest and caring with Cindy. I feel almost betrayed. It's just lunch, but it's the dishonesty that I can't explain, and it's the dishonesty that is upsetting me. Please help. What can I do to fix this without hurting anyone? Should I stop trying to help Cindy, and stop trying to remain friends with her? And should I take this as an indication that my help and support aren't wanted?
  5. This friend has made you continually uncomfortable and upset for months; would a friend do this? You've discussed the topic at length with him, so I would assume that without some sort of brain defect he's aware that you find this upsetting, yet he continues; would a friend do this? You've blamed yourself for causing some problem you don't even see, which only one friend out of many has attacked you about, and you've put up with disrespect and criticism for simply being yourself; would a friend do this? My initial reaction would be to say "You're not my friend." I understand that you did once enjoy your friendship with this person, but that was then, and this is now. Now won't ever be like then, I hate to say it. Your relationship with this person now needs to end, for your own good. I realise that's not very comforting, but it doesn't sound like this person gives you much pleasure in life. Friends accept you for who you are, they don't demand you fit their needs and wants. Treasure the good times you had and inform this person that they've hurt you a lot, you've tried to accommodate them but they won't stop hurting you, and you don't need to sustain a friendship with a person who isn't acting as a friend should. You have many, many other friends. If they make you happy, they are the people who should mean the most to you. You're lucky in that you have a big group of friends who don't make demands of you, and appreciate you for who you are.
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