crinklecat

I was left by a guy that I had been dating in december. I thought that everything was going well but I guess he thought otherwise. I recently started communicating with him again in a friendship way in february, after 2 months of no contact. Doing this has been a little difficult for me especially since I didnt really know why he left me, and we hadnt really communicated well during the time we spent together. I finally broke down the other day and called him (most of our contact has been via email) I explained to him that I was very devestated when he left me, something which he did not know. He also explained to me the reason why he left me to go with the other girl, he felt that she had more relationship potential (ie she was more of a challenge and played the game better) and I had more friendship potential. I kind of got gonged with the "youre a nice girl..." thing. Anyhow, I have realized that I care about this fella more than I really thought. Most of my relationships start out af me being friends with the guy rather than dating, which is where I thought this was heading before it was abruptly cut off. Because of the non contact, I'm not as emotionally attached as I used to be. By me telling him my feelings about what happened (for some reason, we never talked about feelings in the relationship at all) I feel more free and feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and all. I'm still not sure what to do with my relations with him. Yes I still care about him and want him to be happy, I'm ok with him being happy with someone else, but deep down inside sometimes I wish it was me. I still would like to keep up a friendship with him, but in light of what I told him, I dont know if thats going to occur as he is seeing someone else. I wont wait around for him, and am wondering if I should just go back to no contact again just for my sanity. I just dont know what to do with myself now. I have been honest with him and myself about these feelings. Should I even worry about what he thinks? I dont know, I feel really confused and scared now, I've never done this before and am not sure what to do, or how to feel. Any advice?

I know much about taoism, It has been keeping me from going mentally insane with pain and hurt from being dumped. I'm just kind of thinking that my personality, the fact that I was eager to do things with this guy and wasnt afraid to call him to do so is what turned him off. I probablly never know the real reason You know, that cat and mouse game that everyone talks about? (I guess I am trying to find some closure) I mean what the heck is this stupid cat and mouse game with relationships? Obviously, by the red flags that I foolishly ignored in the "honeymoon stage"he wasnt fit to give me what I needed. But I wonder if the cat and mouse game (Which I dont play) would have affected anything. I know that I cant control anyone, except myself. I doubt that I will ever speak to him again, but I need to know for my future reference. Sorry about the little vent but I am trying to figure out how this relationship/dating thing works.

I am assertive. Sometimes when pushed I can be aggressive. I know what I want out of life and can make goals to get what I want. Is this not a good thing to be when searching for a potential mate? I just got dumped cause the guy I was "supposedly" in a relationship with met someone else and wanted to date her, or so he says. Anyhow I wonder, do guys not like it when women pursue them? Do they get scared or something? I thought this was supposed to be flattering, but Guys maybe there is something that these assertive aggressive women (like myself) arent understanding. Anyhow, I ended up giving more than I was getting. And I became a bit needy because I wasnt getting what I needed in the relationship. All I've ever known in my life is fighting to get what I want. Do you guys have any suggestions? How about you ladies, since you are most likely an assertive type (if you are reading this) how do you know when to give up so as not to get hurt? (assertive people hurt too!)

In the midst of my roller coaster (which still goes on) vfunkera posted this. I think it is exactly what anyone having difficulty with no contact should because it is straight to the point. link removed

I guess cause I was burned so bad during the past relationships, I kind of sensed it. and yeah, I chose to ignore it. but I guess that's a good thing, that I sensed and wasnt so head over heels that I couldnt see things for what they really worth. I guess trusting yourself more would also help more. Boy what a way to learn a lesson!

He didnt have to tell me at all, well he didnt tell me or anything. I kind of saw it you know when I was thinking of how the play of power in the relationship was...I recall a moment just thinking You know, I kind of feel like I am giving more and not getting enough.... but then I pushed the thought aside (stupid me) I know that there was a reason why I had that thought... a red flag. but by the time I kind of decided I was going to back off and wasnt sure if I wanted to see him anymore, he was gone.

can you sense it at all? does your head rule your heart? I have a possible idea but I wanted to see what you would say first. I dont think I was clingy in my past relationship (the one that just ended) but I just want to better myself for the next great guy that may or may not come along.

hey cid... When you found yourself in the situation, did you become aware of it on your own or was it a reaction to the feedback you were getting? I'm kind of wondering... do you "sense" it and put the brakes on or not? It may help me deal with it if you expalined how you feel when this issue comes about. I am trying to get some sense of how it feels or warning signs or stuff like that.

It's kind of weird when you think of it. It's hard to let go, I guess being hurt many times, makes you wary, You want this person to love and care for you and when they begin to pull away because you are getting "too" close you freak out and grab hold tighter. I mean it's a natural reaction, right? When you are climbing something and the bottom gives out, you dont just let go. How on earth do you deal with this? how do you control that primal need for comfort?

but how do you know if you are truly clingy?? or if it is a healthy way to ask for attention from your potential partner? Like my example, I felt like I wasnt getting as much as I was giving. so what do I do? the wrong thing I try to get more, by being clingy... does that make sense?

I'm sure everyone has their own intepretation of this. What constitutes being too clingy? I know that for everyone their tolerance for clingyness is different. how do you counteract being clingy if you are the one who thinks that you are. I'm specifically seeking information on when you are in a relationship or just beginning one. I think I may have been a bit too clingy in the last relationship that I was in. I was just being myself. Outside of the relationship, I prefer to do my own thing a lot. Is there a way to become less clingy when in a relationship? I cant seem to find anything on the internet about it, (other than insecurity). if you've been burned in relationships before and are insecure because of those past experience how do you"calm" the fear to become less so?

that is straight up and great. I LOVE it!!!

how can guys do this? just move on to someone else withou\t batting an eyelash? I'm more upset of the mdemise of the friendship, cause the email made it pretty clear the he wouldnt be contacting me again.. what gives?

the feeling of loss is pervasive. I guess the lonliness is kicking in. It's weird, I dont feel lonely for him specifically at all, just lonely for a smile. it's the grief, right?

so what happens if the mouse found another mousehole? Should I forget it?